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casey, talked, marriage, relationship, commitment, great, kim, feel, parents, listen, divorce, caston, triggers, work, modeling, cortes, therapy, shared, conflict, love
Matthew Hoffman, Kimberly Hoffman
Matthew Hoffman 00:11
Welcome back to the kick ass couples podcast. We are excited to be doing a recap episode on a kick ass cool couple, Meygan and Casey Caston they are the founders of Marriage 365 coming up on 20 years of marriage and man we had so much fun with these guys you are in store if you already listened to the episode some incredible insights on relationships, communication, the work they do together and just what a fun couple.
Kimberly Hoffman 01:58
Yeah, they were super authentic. I really appreciated how genuine they were and hey, we’re in the same space working in the same space.
Matthew Hoffman 02:07
We are in the same vineyard.
Kimberly Hoffman 02:08
Yeah, try and really support marriages. So I love that.
Matthew Hoffman 02:14
And they were real. They had some great stuff to share for us. And you know, I think like all couples they had things haven’t always been sun shines and rain, sunshine and rainbows. I mean unicorns, they’ve had some issues and challenges. They were open with us and really had some fantastic things to share. Kim, what was you know, like, what was your first takeaway? What is this is a recap right? And we’re talking about some of the pearls. What was one of the things that stood out to you with our time together?
Kimberly Hoffman 02:39
I really love that they came right out and said, What made them kick ass was that they fight for each other. They fight for their marriage, they really work at it. They know that it takes intentionality and constant work to have a thriving marriage.
Matthew Hoffman 02:56
Yeah, yeah. And I think I love Casey. And you know, Meygan, kind of follow up with that she talked about she said, sometimes we think we’re going to do something. We think we’re going to film for marriage to be 65 we think we’re going to plan an activity and she said, we put the brakes on and go wait a minute, things aren’t right between the two of us. And so we’re going to pause and take care of us because we know if we let it go and we put it off, it’s gonna get someplace dark and scary.
Kimberly Hoffman 03:24
Matthew, you said earlier that it wasn’t always unicorns and rainbows and hearts floating everywhere.
Matthew Hoffman 03:33
No, they both had some really tough backgrounds came I think, you know, Megan talked about she said that. All she she never really witnessed love Express between her mom and her dad. And she said, you know, her mom is she focused on her father and everything else. So does she care about us and the kids. And she wasn’t really sure she thought her mom was pretty abusive and aggressive towards her father. So she grew up in a home where her parents fought. And she was not seeing a great relationship model than she wanted so much more. And she shared that where she found solace. And she found like she had somebody she could count on was in therapy as a teenager because she was dealing with so many issues. But that therapist that relationship was her safe spot, which allowed her to understand the circumstances she was going through and figure out what she wanted to have some day in her own relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 04:27
Yeah. You know, mom and mom was in and out of the house and eventually ended in divorce when we think she was in middle school, and so she didn’t have that continuity of two parents being there for her. She said it was toxic. And so that’s what was modeled for her and similarly, I believe that Casey had sort of the same upbringing with his family as well. Parents who said he was just out there left to do whatever I wanted to do never needed to check in no one checked in on me. They And I just kind of went about life assuming that people didn’t have dinners together and people didn’t say I love you. And that families just were not close.
Matthew Hoffman 05:09
Kimberly Hoffman 05:10
So both of them came from families who are little had a little bit of a disconnect.
Matthew Hoffman 05:15
But also everybody listening, think about your own history, your own background, what you grew up with, I, I had two parents all throughout my childhood. So to Kim, her parents are still married. My parents got divorced after 26 years. But for most of my formative years, I had a mom and a dad. And I was able to see some good things. And some things I wanted different. And Kim’s parents are still together, think they’ve been pushing over 60 years together. So when you don’t have that, when you can’t look at your family of origin, and have a healthy thing model, what do you do? And I think each of these two had to figure it out. But when they came together and got married, there was no blueprint, there was no game plan of how they were going to synthesize this. And I think after three years in of marriage, Kim, one of the big takeaways for me is, is Meygan said, Man, this is not going well. And do I want to divorce? And is it gonna work? And she really had to
Kimberly Hoffman 06:10
There was a lot of pain there.
Matthew Hoffman 06:11
Kimberly Hoffman 06:12
And I believe that she had a friend that said, you know, before you mentioned divorce, I think it’s really wise for you to take a good hard look at things and have you done everything that you possibly can to save this marriage, which was terrific advice, because I think that believe the answer was no. And she went back to realizing how important that was when she had therapy. That was the best thing that her family did for her was put her in therapy when she was 13 years old. And she went back and remember that that person was her mentor was a guide for her inside. This is what we need. Casey came along because she began modeling later, after going back to therapy, what she wanted, the person she wanted to be in the marriage,
Matthew Hoffman 08:00
Kimberly Hoffman 08:00
the way she wanted to show up for him for them. And so I love that story. Because I really believe we believe the same thing. We believe that before you can start pointing fingers and really wanting the other person to change, you have to be willing to change yourself.
Matthew Hoffman 08:18
Yeah, I think she said I started to take the focus off of him off of Casey, you know what he was doing wrong or what he wasn’t doing and the problems he was bringing and say, You know what, I was just finger pointing and blaming him. She said, I had to take responsibility for my own actions. And for myself, and initially for any of you out there that are having issues, and you feel like you are the Lone Ranger or that you’re doing things on your own. She said, I can control me, I can control what I do. And I’m going to do what I know and think is best for the relationship. And eventually he’s going to see it and feel it. And the beautiful part of the story is is that he did and he shared the story. This is a great story. He said I remember the day I was so angry, and I was coming chart battle I was came into battle come and charge and Meygan and she calmly said, Whoa, wait on, wait a minute, hold up. You don’t seem to me like you’re in the greatest headspace right now. You’re pretty angry and charge. Why don’t you take a break, go outside, connect with nature, pick a timeout. And when you’re ready to come back and for us to have a great discussion. Let me know and we’ll reconvene and talk about it ready? And he said it was like the Iron Curtain coming down. And he said that was the first time he remembered there’s a change. This is something different because they’re both strong personalities. They were both winners. And we’re gonna win this argument. Right? A lot of us think we have to win arguments that she said not it’s not going to happen this time. And that was a huge turning point in their relationship. And they talked it out and we’re able to communicate without accusations and also by dropping that desire that I’ve got a win. I’ve got to be right, in my opinion has to win the day.
Kimberly Hoffman 09:56
Yeah. And then what it really boiled down to Matthew is it came back To you, no, we’re not going to finger point, we’re going to take accountability. We’re going to learn how to communicate, we’re going to have intentionality about communicating. And that, you know, we’re going to have boundaries. And that’s what really turned things around.
Matthew Hoffman 10:14
Yeah, beautiful story. And so, Kim, I think kind of the next thing is, as we talked about commitment, I think that Casey shared for us, she said, you know, my commitment to Meygan is founded in trust, it’s founded, in fact that we’re a team team Caston. And he goes, I know that we’re better together than independently. And so, and I love this, I’m going to quote it. He said, If he said, it requires commitment requires courageous choices throughout the week. I’m feeling distant from her, my natural tendency is to run away and avoid conflict at all costs. But courage is choosing what’s right over what’s easy. And that was that stuck with me. And I’m just going to repeat that again.
Kimberly Hoffman 10:56
Matthew Hoffman 10:56
courage is choosing what’s right over what’s easy. And we all man, we all have that path of least resistance, avoiding the conflict, not having to say something that might not be popular and might not be received the best way or coming out and saying, You know what, you might be right. I think I was wrong there. I could have done that better, or I take responsibility for what happened there. And I think that commitment in a relationship, they were modeling and talking about it is making those right, but sometimes not easy choices.
Kimberly Hoffman 11:28
And I love what Meygan said about commitment. She said it is when we show up for each other during the hardest of times, during the challenging times. They’ve had a son who was diagnosed with autism. They’ve had toxic family situations, job losses, and the list goes on and on. And it’s the commitment of being there for each other during those times that really has made a difference in their marriage.
Matthew Hoffman 11:58
Yeah, I think that, you know, Casey said, as he thinks about commitment and their relationship, if you are not 100%, iron clad concrete in your mind, about commitment, you have conditional, we talked about conditional commitment, where sometimes you are and sometimes you’re not, we’re variable, that it will go right to the wave of 80%. There 90%, there are 100% there. You can’t be willing to throw your hands up and say I’m gonna go do something if it doesn’t work out. But once you give that unconditional commitment to each other Kim, and you and I talk about this all the time in our relationship, neither of us have to question if the other is committed, and that takes so much concern and worry and stress off the table. I know that unequivocally she is there for me. So in my decisions in our conversations, I’m not thinking well, what if she? What if she wants to bowl? What if she’s not gonna stick around? What if she’s so angry or upset or frustrated with me? She’s gonna bag and knowing that’s off the table is really freeing. It’s not restrictive, it’s freeing,
Kimberly Hoffman 13:05
It’s freeing, it’s safe. And it feels good to know that you can come to me in with your authentic self. And I’m going to accept you just as you are. And I’m gonna listen to you. I also love that they brought up again, communication and we talked about communication and the three C’s all the time the commitment is there. Communication is there. It’s intentional. You know, they tried to work hard on understanding each other’s perspectives when they speak, which keeps them from having a lot of conflict.
Matthew Hoffman 14:45
Yeah, yeah. Casey had a great example I’ve kind of used this before to about Cortes landing in Mexico. He was a committed explorer and committing to this new world. When Cortes landed he told the story that Cortes burned the ships, meaning his commitment was so strong, he said, we’re not leaving. And in our relationships and our marriages, your commitment has to be that strong, you have to say I’m in it no matter what. And we’re going to work together and figure it out. And they did that. And they work through lots of hardships came through that communication. And through a relationship that didn’t look like it was gonna go anywhere. And they were repeating the habits of what they saw in their parents that they swore they would avoid. But they righted the ship, and they started going in the right direction.
Kimberly Hoffman 15:31
They also take time to work on themselves. And Casey pointed out that it’s really important for him to have quiet time and downpipe reflection time. So that he can really work through whatever may be going on with him. And, you know, he’s not been it keeps him from being triggered emotionally. And he’s able to process things. And so I really appreciated hearing how he sort of takes that time to pull away and reflect and just sit and be quiet. And listen fully.
Matthew Hoffman 16:09
Yeah. And I think he did that in the interview and some of the questions he he said, I want to think about that.
Kimberly Hoffman 16:13
Matthew Hoffman 16:14
because he’s not, he’s not, you know, people process differently in relationships. And no, I’ve never met a couple where I think that each of them are exactly the same in so many arenas and Meygan, and you know, Megan is very, Casey said, she’s very matter of fact, off the cuff, tactical, and here’s what we’re going to do. And Casey likes to think about it and kind of come at things in a different way in a different angle. And he did that. In our interview, so it was a beautiful kind of a symphony of singing, seeing the two of them operate the way they need to not apologizing for it or not getting after the other one and giving each other the space. And you and I are very different that way as well. I like to have quiet time in the morning for prayer and meditation study. And you do too, but I get up before anybody in the house because it’s quiet, because that’s what I need. And you do what you need. And it’s similar, but you do your own thing as well.
Kimberly Hoffman 17:08
Right. Yeah, it’s important that we gave each other the time in the space for that, I want to move on to conflict resolution, because they said something that I really loved. When they when they feel like they’re getting a little heated when they feel like they may be having some conflict or some challenges, and they’re kind of maybe getting a little bit louder, and they have a code word. And as soon as one person says the code word, it means that we’re done, no one else can say a word.
Matthew Hoffman 17:36
Kimberly Hoffman 17:37
It’s an adult timeout.
Matthew Hoffman 17:39
Kimberly Hoffman 17:39
And I love that.
Matthew Hoffman 17:40
Go take a break and come back.
Kimberly Hoffman 17:41
And their code word was where they the place that they met. So they use something that was very tender and sweet to them as their code word so that it wasn’t enough front to the other person. But yet, it just said to the other person, stop, take a breath. We’re not gonna say anything else, we’re gonna walk away.
Matthew Hoffman 18:00
Yeah. And that’s a great way to say, hey, you know what, I’m getting triggered. Or I’m getting, you’re getting a reaction out of me, and it’s not going to be good. So why go through it? And we’re talking about landmines, right, and triggers. If you don’t know what triggers your spouse, or your partner, what gets them angry, upset or frustrated or causes them anxiety? Why would you intentionally want to take somebody you love on a path that don’t want to go down? So I love that. And I think that’s a great trick. And a tool, not a trick, a tool to use to let your partner know, I’m full, I’m flooded. I need to take a break. And it doesn’t mean you’re ignoring or not coming back. It means you’re saying let’s table it for another time. And we’ll come back and address it when we’re both ready.
Kimberly Hoffman 18:46
Yeah, I cannot encourage our listeners enough to listen to this whole episode. It is a great episode. These are experienced people who are working in like I said, in this same space that we are, they care about marriages, they’re very intentional about their own. And I think it’s a great interview for anyone to go back and listen to the entire thing.
Matthew Hoffman 19:13
Great episode. We all have warts, we all have stories from our past that we bring into these relationships. And that dance of marriage is about learning how to do and they’ve done an incredible job of modeling that in their own relationship. And they freely talk about because we all have big pieces of furniture in the room that we run into. And the reason we do this kick ass couples podcast for you, is to help you so you can avoid some of the pitfalls, learn how others are doing it, and work on getting back to your own relationship Nirvana.
Kimberly Hoffman 19:45
Thanks for listening in everybody. And remember that happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.