TRANSCRIPT
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
relationship, kyle, ariel, talk, commitment, magnify, communication, work, differences, kickass, thought, committed, learned, marriage, love, kim, feel, figure, dynamic, great
SPEAKERS
Kimberly Hoffman, Matthew Hoffman
Matthew Hoffman 00:02
Welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast. We are excited to be talking to you today on a recap episode for Kyle and Ariel Tresch, a young, dynamic couple who is getting a lot of things right firing on all cylinders, and has an exciting business called ‘Couplepreneurs’ where they work, live and have everything together.
Kimberly Hoffman 03:09
Yeah, I really enjoyed talking to this couple. They were young and energetic and have really figured things out in terms of being able to work together play together, and to have a successful marriage relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 03:26
I know I loved seeing a different generation with so much vigor, and energy and dynamic in everything they do. I have a lot of respect for anybody that work together. Kim and I work together not full time we live together full time we have one child at home still. She works on the podcast. And so we spent a lot of time working together but not full time. So we don’t have to deal with that incredible dynamic in our relationship. And I thought you know, one of the things that made this couple So kickass is that, you know, Ariel talks about they have a high level of appreciation, Kim for each other and they really that goes back and forth to them. And that’s what she mentioned in kind of the get go from about them being kickass and Kyle said that they approach everything they do as a unit. So right out of the gate, they were each firing on two pillars, we have a pillar of appreciation, and a pillar of unity. And they each commented on those different pillars that they feel. That’s what makes them kickass and ties them together.
Kimberly Hoffman 04:22
Yeah, and you know what I really believe makes them kickass later on in the podcast. They actually admitted that they hit a wall and they had plateaued in the relationship. And they were almost just like two roommates living together because they were just not nurturing their marriage and they had, you know, just like become best friends almost. And I think that what really resonated with me is that they were able to figure it out and really say this isn’t what we want for ourself, for our marriage, for our business. And it wasn’t until they really went in and dove into the relationship. And were committed to really learning how to appreciate each other their individual talents, the fact that they could work together and not separately, and come together in the relationship in a very intimate way that everything else fell into place for them.
Matthew Hoffman 05:26
Yeah, they did it great.
Kimberly Hoffman 05:28
I think it’s really important to note in this relationship, their pasts because they both came from similar, yet different backgrounds. In Ariel’s case, there was a lot of divorce, a lot of separation, a lot of resentment. And she just came from a really divisive, not well modeled history. And so for her, I think that made it really tough going forward in her own relationship. Kyle had a little bit of that, but I think more so, he had a lot of good things that came out of his parents relationship with each other. So, while there was some tension and some chaos and some craziness in his family, there was good too. And he was able to take some of those things, and bring to the relationship, the things that he liked, and the things that he thought were good and important, and leave some of the other things behind. But for Ariel, I think it was more difficult and more challenging, because she really did not have a very healthy model to follow.
Matthew Hoffman 06:45
Yeah, I mean, I think that Kyle shared, you know, we we’d have arguments, they’d be hot and heavy. And then in 30 minutes, they’d be we’ll be through that. And they’ll say, they’d be talking about where they’re going to dinner after having a knock down, drag out. And she thought, wow, you know, this has relationship ending power. So when they had those own things, those own arguments in their own relationship, it concerned her because she thought, wow, he doesn’t love me anymore. And it’s over, we’re done.
Kimberly Hoffman 07:08
Yeah. We’re gonna get a divorce.
Matthew Hoffman 07:09
And they had to figure that out and learn. So the each radical backgrounds that were different, right? Differences they had to deal with, and figure out what that dance was going to look like in their own relationship together a lot, a lot, a lot of family history coming into play here. And they had did a beautiful job, I think of navigating and figuring out what that blended thing was going to look like for them.
Matthew Hoffman 07:09
Yeah. And so commitment. Do you want to talk a little bit about? Yeah, I think that they what they felt on commitment,
Matthew Hoffman 07:40
That’s our first C. And we always start off with that. And that’s kind of the cornerstone of any relationship. And we think of commitment, you think of prioritization. And, you know, thinking of yourself less, and Kyle said that what commitment looks like to him was that it was a daily choice for him to put Ariel first, and it is a daily choice every day, you got to make that active decision. And he said, commitment is not just commitment to this relationship and this thing, he goes commitment is that I’m committed to staying in love. And I’m going to keep looking at ways to come back, how can we stay in love together? And I thought that was a beautiful example that he said, you know, day to day, what do I need to do to make sure her needs are being met, and that we’re staying in love? And for Ariel is a little bit different. She said, You know, for Ariel, she said, it’s not an obligation. I don’t feel I’m obliged to be committed to this thing. But I’m committed to coming back to that feeling of love. And I thought that was great. Finding your way back to the feeling of love Kim, and
Kimberly Hoffman 08:42
Yeah.
Matthew Hoffman 08:43
what else did you get?
Kimberly Hoffman 08:44
Well, she actually would ask questions like, what do I really love about this person? Why do I love them? What am I grateful for? So she would ask yourself those questions to get herself back to that feeling of love. So a more along the emotional appreciation, gratitude, you know, those things showing up in terms of commitment, rather than just like a contractual obligation of commitment.
Matthew Hoffman 09:12
Yeah, I think they each had a good personal sense of what commitment was it wasn’t this inanimate thing. It wasn’t a contract. It wasn’t a marriage. It was to each other. They personalized it and said, We want to stay in that relationship, that commitment that brings us close together with each other, and about the qualities that we love and cherish and appreciate and magnify in each other. And I thought that was a great example of making it personal.
Matthew Hoffman 09:38
Sure.
Kimberly Hoffman 09:39
And when it came to communication, as you can imagine what their different backgrounds, I think communication was a little bit tricky at first as well, I don’t think that Ariel was, Oh, I think it was difficult for her to be vulnerable and to be open. And so she was a little more closed off. And it wasn’t easy to talk a lot about her feelings. And I believe that, you know, Kyle was able to show her this is a safe space. This is a place where you can come and you I you can be trusted in or I can be trusted, that you can share with me whatever you need to, and I’m going to be there to listen and to support you.
Matthew Hoffman 11:11
Yeah. And she was open to influence. She said, Kyle had to point out to me and say, babe, you know, you got to tell me what you’re thinking and what’s your feeling. I can’t help you. I can’t be aware. So she said that Kyle really helped her learn how to be vulnerable and how to have that deep communication and get that sense related to her and share it so he could be let in on it and be aware of it. So they learned how to work through it together. And I thought that was that was great. And then Kyle kind of went on to say in communication, Kim, you know, in their, in their business, ‘Couplepreneurs’, they teach people how to have good business communication. And Kyle said, We got to bring those lessons of business into our own relationship. And he said, what was interesting, and a lot of the clients and people they’ve talked to with issues, he said, it’s not an issue of their business. It’s an issue of the relationships. So he said, let’s go back and talk about how you communicate, you know, you have daily check ins, weekly check ins, you do strategic planning, quarterly reviews, annual reviews, and Kyle said in their own relationship, they have those touch points, they have those that visioning they have. We talked to another couple Sean and Renia Orr and they said, we use the same business principles of communication, in our business, and in our relationship, because what works in one, works in the other and if the relationship is solid, the business is going to be solid. I think that Kyle and Ariel really kind of echoed that from the clients they work with and in their own relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 12:38
And I think the people that we have interviewed that are masters at this do the same thing. They have a really similar stance on their relationship and treating it at least the communication part, a lot like you would a business. Setting goals, having those planning meetings, making the time to really vision and dream together.
Matthew Hoffman 13:03
Yeah. you have to be intentional. And I think intentionality is a theme
Kimberly Hoffman 13:06
Exactly.
Matthew Hoffman 13:07
We’ve seen in communication. We just interviewed a couple in another podcast and they said we have scheduled time every day. For them it was coffee talk. For another couple it was a walk on a beach for another one. You know, it was sitting in specific chairs, whatever it is, it’s okay to establish those rituals, something that feed you that nurtures you, that you look forward to. Kim and I, one of our rituals in communication is going on a Ruck, which is a weighted backpack walk, usually an hour an hour and 15 minutes, and our bodies busy doing something. So we’re getting some good exercise as a two for one. But we have some great talks about a lot of things. Because it’s quiet, uninterrupted time. And it gives us the opportunity to have those check ins and connect.
Kimberly Hoffman 13:51
Yeah, well, I you know, I would ask you, our listeners, what are you doing in your relationship to cultivate that time together and to really make sure that you’re being able to have the that connection?
Matthew Hoffman 14:08
Yeah. center around something that you enjoy something that you need. So you don’t look at it has a duty and an obligation, but an opportunity is something that you like it’s time together, and you’re able to feed and reconnect those synapses on communication and make sure they’re firing.
Kimberly Hoffman 14:22
Yeah. And this couple had talked a little bit about conflict resolution. And you know, I love that they said we don’t fight we just have heated debates. That’s what they call him. We don’t call it fighting. We just have heated debates. But you know, they really learned how to handle each other during those heated debates. I think in the beginning, like we said earlier, it was soon as things would get a little heated, she was like, Oh, that’s it, it’s over. He’s gonna leave me or divorce me. But that’s what she knew from you know, childhood. And so she really had to work through that, but they learned that they we can have have heated debates and we can disagree. But we can work through it and talk through it and really understand what we each need in that moment to work through, and talk it through it and be able to, you know, come out better on the other end.
Matthew Hoffman 15:17
Absolutely. And I think that Kyle had a great point, he said, we’ve learned to disagree with each other’s intellectual points, without ever attacking each other’s integrity, or personhood, and
Kimberly Hoffman 15:29
That’s huge.
Matthew Hoffman 15:30
You’re gonna have differences. These two are very different people. Most couples are not the same person, you know, one’s an early riser, one goes to bed late, one might be more organized, one might be just out there and messy and disorganized, you’re gonna have differences. And I think that differences are critical in a relationship, because it’s really about finding those things that you have in common, that are good. But looking at the differences and expressing gratitude and magnifying those things, where you got to be grateful for those differences, because it makes you different, instead of focusing on what is not the same and picking it apart. Think about how can you magnify the good instead of pick apart the differences because you don’t want to marry your identical twin? That would be horrible and boring. And I think we’d lose interest in each other. And my wife and I are incredibly different people. But that’s what allows us to compliment each other. And we really work hard to magnify our goodness. And it took me a while and I still struggle, when she’ll pay me a compliment, i’ll go what’s behind the compliment? Like, why is she doing that? Instead of being able to say, Well, thanks, babe, I appreciate you recognizing the goodness, because I need to trust and know that she’s not doing it to puff me up. But she’s recognizing magnifying that good. And me being able to receive it makes me a better person. And it makes us a stronger couple.
Kimberly Hoffman 16:53
I would just close with saying I really appreciated their advice, which was similar to their unmarried self, and that was commitment is freedom. And so by them really, truly 100% Being able to commit to each other. Again, not contractually. But emotionally, they felt a lot of freedom in that. And we’re able to really feel safe, vulnerable, and like they could conquer anything within their relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 17:30
Yeah, that was great. I love the quote Kyle said, I would say that commitment is freedom, not restriction. And a lot of people feel, if I’m committed, I’m gonna lose out or I’m gonna miss something else, or I’m gonna lose part of myself. And I think Ariel even shared a little bit, I was worried about committing to something because I thought I’d have to give something up to do it. And that’s, that’s not true at all. Because what she learned is by committing to the relationship and committing to Kyle, she was getting his love, support and the freedom to pursue her passions, wasn’t missing out and wasn’t losing. Because it’s that synergistic part right in commitment in a relationship. When you commit to an individual, you’ve committed to the individual, but you’ve committed to the relationship. And the synergy of two is always greater than one because together, you can reach out and overcome and take on so much more, when you take the combination of the good that’s in both people that are in the relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 18:24
Agreed. This was really good stuff. I hope you’ll go back and listen to this episode in its entirety. It was a great one full of good pearls for all of our listeners.
Matthew Hoffman 18:37
Yeah and we hope that you will listen to the full interview and see what this young dynamic couple has to offer. We loved our time with them and are so grateful for the work that they’re doing, not only with other couples in business, but other couples in relationships and being successful there as well. So until next time, we want you to remember that happily ever after does not just happen. It is on purpose.
Kimberly Hoffman 19:00
Take care everybody.