TRANSCRIPT
61: Recap Jillian & Joe-Create Honeymoon Bliss By Setting Re…
Thu, 7/21 2:52PM • 27:42
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
relationship, jillian, couples, joe, kickass, kim, conflict, marriage, hear, business, parents, life, talk, partner, interview, love, modeled, critical, handle, studio
SPEAKERS
Kimberly Hoffman, Matthew Hoffman
Matthew Hoffman 00:02
Welcome to the Kickass Couples Podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who want to level up their marriage, experience newfound clarity, hope, and confidence. We’re Matthew and Ken, co-hosts, and husband, and wife.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:16
In 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot, and never thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty and wonderful world of marriage.
Matthew Hoffman 00:28
We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage, and each week, we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you grow and strengthen your relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:43
We’ll get started right after this message. If you want to learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to order Matthew’s new book, “Kickass Husband: Winning at Life, Marriage, and Sex.” You can get it at Amazon.com or visit Matthew’s website, www.matthewphoffman.com. Again, that’s Amazon.com or “www.matthewphoffman.com,” and now, back to the show.
Matthew Hoffman 01:18
With her beloved husband Joe Vego by her side, Jillian Flodstrom has several seven figure businesses in three different industries. Joe has worked hard to develop his real estate business and became successful selling dream homes. For Jillian, between feeling overwhelmed and extreme exhaustion, it was always a struggle to juggle life and work. Until one day, a life changing car accident forced her to rethink how she was doing business. Inspired to scale down her life and business, she created a course and product line and began producing her own podcast; “Scale Your Small Business.” Now, Jill help small business owners mitigate the feelings of being overwhelmed, chaos, and confusion so they too can grow and scale their businesses. In today’s recap edition episode, Kim and I will share our key takeaways from our interview with this dynamic couple. We’ll break down concepts relationship qualities and key pillar points that they’ve used to build their rock solid relationship that will stand the test of time. Welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast, today we have the pleasure of doing a recap episode for Joe Vego and Jillian Flodstrom. A couple who really didn’t find love till later in their lives, but had some great lessons to teach us about being a kick ass couple.
Kimberly Hoffman 02:41
I really enjoyed this episode, and before we break it down, I think it’s really important to note that this really kind of hit me hard when we were reviewing the episode because it was actually our last episode that we are at last interview that we did in Maynard, and so that really hit me hard watching to think that wow, that was the last time we got to enjoy our studio and interview a great couple in our studio. So, a little bit heartbreaking, and certainly struck some emotional chords with me as I’m sure it did with you as well.
Matthew Hoffman 02:42
It did, and it’s funny. So, technology on on these episodes you’re hearing is not the same as we’re used to. So, we’re adjusting until we’re able to replace and rebuild our studio, we have a green screen. So, our video image you’ll see has come in and out on occasion. It’s not intentional, but it’s going to happen, but the quality and the integrity and the meaning is still there and, we’ve got a little homage to Maynard in the background. So, you can see what our beautiful studio looked like. But, we’re coming back; We are going to work through the insurance process. We’ll be getting another studio. So, stay tuned for that exciting announcement as it comes out, but we’re gonna keep bringing you great articles, great pieces, wonderful interviews with pearls of wisdom that you can use to strengthen your number one relationship, and I like this couple, because they’re different than a lot of the couples we’ve interviewed, because they’re started later in life, and I think that in there, and I think the biggest difference Kim and I saw, just kind of generally about that, is that brought a real sense of maturity to their relationship because, they weren’t messing around, and they knew what they liked. They both had successful businesses, and I think they were ready for something meaningful.
Kimberly Hoffman 04:39
They were, and I think what makes them kick ass is that they really believe that goal setting both within the marriage as well as individually has been a big part of their relationship, and is what really keeps them grounded, and so I love that they’ve gone into this relationship with intentional goal setting for both of those realities in their life, and so I think that that is what makes them kick ass is that they, they are seeking that out and trying to meet those goals on a daily basis.
Matthew Hoffman 05:22
I think it’s important to note you mentioned it, but a lot of us have individual goals, personal goals, business goals, and Jillian talked about having an annual meeting like a shareholders meeting, right, and they do it for their businesses to hold each other accountable, but they do it for their marriage, too, and they sit down when they do their business and personal goals,and they say, what are the goals for this relationship, and how are we doing, and let’s raid each other, so, and that’s intentionality, and I love their intentionality, because we can all talk about what we’d like our relationship to be like, and think about the concepts, and philosophize, and dream about it, but unless we are taking the time to take specific action, and work on it, and in it, it never happens, and so, it’s great that where the rubber hits the road, Jillian and Joe, they’re doing it, and they’re walking their talk, and they’re being intentional in setting those goals, not just for business and personal, but for the relationship as well.
Kimberly Hoffman 06:20
They are, and I think another notable thing is that they’re always adjusting as well. So, while they’re planning, and while they’re setting goals, they realize that things change over time, and that they may need to maybe abandon one thing, and move on to another. So, they’re adjusting as as time goes by, and I think that it’s really great for couples to be able to sit down and see where they are, and then look at the future, but also be able to adapt to change, and different circumstances that may arise.
Matthew Hoffman 06:20
Yeah, I think Kim, kind of one of the big things that I jumped into, or I, what I thought, they both had very unique stories about their background, candidate families of origin, and they were different, yet they both came to the table where love was beautifully modeled for them. They each saw their parents prioritizing their spouse, they had different roles. I think Jill’s parents, you know, the mom primarily worked full time in the home, and the dad worked full time out of the home, but she said, man, they had date nights, every single week, and come hell or high water, they planned, and booked, and spent that time together. So, they got to invest in their relationship, and, so that was modeled for her, and she said they took vacations. They had a cabin or a summer place they went to, and she said halfway through the year mom and dad be like, it’s our vacation, and they left the kids, and so they went, and had vacation on their own, because they knew they had to have those connection points, and kind of similarly, Joe growing up his parents, he, I think he said there was a 30 year age difference, um, between his parents, and he said, he goes I was the oops so the oh my gosh, we’re gonna have another child, and he said that worked to his advantage, because both of his parents when he was born, were retired, so he had two full time parents raising him, and he said beautiful relationship, faith, and he got to see what prioritisation looked like, how they worked with each other, and I thought that was beautiful. So, it’s interesting, because I don’t know if we’ve had too many couples where they both had a similar modeled experience where they came from a secure home, parents modeled prioritization, and they both came to the relationship with a similar viewpoint of what love should look like, and I think that’s why, even though these guys have only been married two years, there’s so much further along, and so mature in their relationship, because it was modeled for them, and you and I talk about it all the time. It’s so critical how we experienced love growing up, because it’s what we bring to the relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 09:07
Yeah, I can only hope that we have been those great role models for our own children. You know, we try, and we strive, and you know, I want to I want to see our our own children have an incredible relationship, so this is such a gift that her parents were such a great role model for her and, you know, they came to their marriage later in life. We talked about them being in their 40s, when they found each other, and got married, and they’re newly married, and so they’re still sort of in their honeymoon phase, but they are very mature in their relationship, and they went into the relationship discussing, you know, we’re going to come into this, but and we both realize that there aren’t any outs. We’re not going to take, there’s no exit strategies, you know, we are in this for life, um. We are committed, and we’re going to do whatever it takes to have a successful marriage.
Matthew Hoffman 10:12
Yeah, I Like that. There’s, there’s no Plan B, I think Joe said something like till death do us part. He said, I took that seriously, and you know, that’s my plan, and I’m not gonna waiver from it.
Kimberly Hoffman 10:24
Yeah, yeah, I think that, it’s important for couples to really sit down, and have those conversations, before they get married, really sort of dissect where they are, and where they want to be, and what their commitment looks like to each other, before they actually get married, and make that a lifelong commitment.
Matthew Hoffman 10:49
Yeah, I think that you know, they phrased it as breaking bread together, and I love that visual of, you know, breaking bread, not just sharing a meal, but sharing of ourselves as well, so making time to connect. We know that we need to make that a priority in our relationship. You know, I think they did that, and I think, you know, something came. The next thing that really stuck out to me when we’re talking about communication, and we know how critical communication, we’ve got commitment, communication, and conflict resolution, our second C, which you hear us talk about all the time, and one of the traditions that they’ve established in their relationship is they said, we will always have at least one meal together a day, and it sounds silly, or maybe like that’s not a big deal, and they said typically it’s dinner, but, Jillian was talking about she said, hey, there was a time when I had a huge meeting in the morning, and she said, Joe made a really nice brunch/breakfast, and when she got out of the meeting, they sat down, they connected, they talked. What’s our day look like? What are we doing, and they just made sure they had those touch points, and we talk all the time about communication, and touch points, but so my question to you, to our listeners today is what kind of traditions do you have set up based on communication? Kim, and I love to walk together, you’ve heard us talk about that before, when we go for long walks, because we’re away from the house, there’s no technology, we’re in nature, and we go for about an hour and 15 minutes, and it gives us a great opportunity to connect without influences, and so that’s one of our traditions. Another, where we work out of Maine for the summer, and we have a front porch with rockers, and we’ll go out in the morning with our cups of coffee, or be inside where the sun’s coming in, and we’ll share about our inspiration, about our study, but those are really just touch points, and anchors, and ways for us to make sure that we’re connecting, and that we’re in sync with each other, and that practice is just critical, and they’re doing that, and it’s over a meal,and they have fun, and they enjoy that, and that’s a tradition for Joe from his culture, is really communicating, and sharing over a meal. So I thought, what a great thing to do. So if you don’t have tradition set up around communication, and really tethering with your partner, think about what you could start to make sure that communication is occurring. When it comes to creating a kick ass marriage. Do you ever wonder what you could be doing better? Have you ever thought helpful would be to be a part of a like minded community of other imperfect couples who wants to level up and their number one relationship? Come visit Kickass Couples Nation, where you can talk with people just like you who are looking for ways to invest in an increase their joy, commitment, and fulfillment in their most important human relationship. You’ll have access to a team of licensed marriage therapists, coaches, articles, podcasts, live webinars, and more. Just visit “matthewphoffman.com,” so you can learn more about a community that’s ready to help you level up. That’s “matthewphoffman.com,” so you can become of the growing Kickass Couples Nation right now. And they’re doing it, which is great, and I think that’s a attribute of a successful, and healthy relationship, and that’s why they’re happy.
Kimberly Hoffman 14:09
Yeah, we talked about pillars with them, other pillars other than our three C’s, which is, um, commitment, and communication, and conflict resolution. In addition to that, Jillian picked humor, fun, and humor, and it sounds like they have a lot of that in their relationship. They love being goofy and weird, and sort of they have their own little lingo that they use with each other, and the importance of that shows up a lot in their relationship when they’re maybe having some conflict with each other. They will say, Oh, you know, one of them’s feisty, and the other one’s kind of getting on the other one’s nerves, and the next thing you know, they’ll break out in song. Joe typically will start singing.
Matthew Hoffman 15:01
Oh, I have a friend in Jesus. Haha, so Joe knows when she hears that, uh-oh, something’s up, or if they’re together with other people, he might just say that phrase as she goes through things, or they’re, you know, a a danger alert. Right?
Kimberly Hoffman 15:17
Right, right, so that sort of their code word for you know, we’re having a little conflict here, things are getting a little edgy, but I love that, because then they can kind of laugh at whatever might be happening in that moment, and it becomes light hearted, and it’s sort of takes the seriousness out of whatever they may be having a challenge with, and so I love that that’s important to them. Because I believe that fun and humor in a relationship is critical, and I don’t think couples take the time out enough to allow those things to come into the relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 16:00
They yell at you, or break the mesmerism sometimes you’re just so focused on something. We’ve heard another couple we interview, the husband licks her face, you know, Elise Archer, and Justin, her husband, he licks her face, and you know, it totally catches her off guard, and makes her laugh. I’ll do the same thing with Kim, and, you know, kind of an interesting thing. They telecommute. They both have offices in the home, across the hall with doors they can shut, but she, Jillian said, you know, you might be getting a little testy, I might hear some screams in the other room, and you know, the new reality is, is that when you live and work together, you got to be really sharp, because you’re around each other all the time, there’s really no break necessarily. You might be working in the other room, but your other your partner is there, and so having humor, and having those connection points is huge, to make sure that you’re able to navigate that successfully in COVID, and the rise of telecommuting, we’re dealing with that so much more today, and they found a way to make that work, too.
Kimberly Hoffman 16:59
Yeah, and another thing they said is that, they really listen out for each other while they are in separate offices, in separate rooms. They can still, at times, hear especially if things get heated in a conversation, or maybe there’s a little bit of turmoil going on, and, and they’re really aware, and also attentive to the other person’s need should that arise. Checking in, hey, you know, are you okay? Can I get you a cup of coffee? Do you need to take a break? Let’s go take a walk. Let’s go walk the dog. So, I feel like they’re very in tune to each other, and each other’s needs, which is really nice to hear.
Matthew Hoffman 17:41
Yeah, that means they’re connected. That means they’re not in their silos, and you know Jillian said I might be working, and I could just, I hear something going on, and I could be selfish, and say, I’ve got to keep working, I gotta get through this, or ooh, I think my spouse needs me. I need to go lighten the the mood a little bit, or Joe will say, ooh, he might tap on there, or say, hey, babe, can I get you a cup of coffee, something cold to drink? You know, because they’re aware, and they’re taking those active steps in the moment to show the support, and help defuse, and even if they don’t, your spouse doesn’t say yes, I want or need those things, they feel a lot better, because they see you’re prioritizing them, and you’re aware of them, and you’re trying to be part of their support which is which is critical, and that kind of leads in the conflict resolution our third C, and what was interesting is there wasn’t anything crazy, or new about how they resolve conflict, they like to face it, and do it right away, and like most couples we talk to, and Kim and I in our relationship I’m a pursuer. I want to handle stuff. I want to get it off the decks. I want it resolved and over, and Kim likes to think, and process, and feel, and take a little bit more time, so we have that classic distance or pursuer relationship, and Jillian and Joe are the same way. Jillian said, I want it done. She’s like me, I want it taken off the decks. I was handling and Joe’s like, ooh, let me think, give me some time, and they learned how to respect that difference, recognize it, and give each other what they need so they can work through it, and also, they’re not always trying to resolve conflict. They know hey, we may just have to say we’re not going to see eye to eye on this, but at least we understand each other, and I think one of the important things that we that came up in the interview with them Kim, is we’ve used this acronym halt, H A L T, and these are conditions if you’re facing conflict. We’ve talked about this before it’s a Gottman theory that we subscribe to, and we love. If you are H hungry. If you are a angry. If you are L lonely, or T tired, H A L T. If, those are any things that are front and center in your cerebral cortex, or they’re getting in the way, they gotta handle those needs first, before you should handle, or approach, or disgust conflict, because if you’re hungry, and you’re trying to work out a conflict, that hunger is going to make you a different person, as you’re loving, and speaking, and talking to your partner. Same thing, if you’re angry, if you’re lonely, or you’re tired. I go to bed a little earlier than my wife, she’s more of a night owl. I’m a morning person, and one of the things that we had to learn how to handle, so 930 10 o’clock, 1030, I’m in decline mode. I want to read, turn the lights off, and go to bed. She’d be just warming up and go, hey, honey, I only got four things I want to talk about, and she used to get really upset with me, because she said, you don’t want to talk about these issues, that’s what she felt. I did want to talk about them, I was tired, and the timing wasn’t right, so what I had to learn to say is not shut down, roll over, and go to bed and say, sweetheart, are these critical things that we have to handle right now? Would you mind if we schedule a different time, perhaps earlier in the day to go over them, and if they were critical, she’d say, well, there’s one of the four that I really liked to talk to you about, and we could do it, or we could reschedule another time, because I learned she learned when we’re tired, neither one of us can be effective in seeking understanding, or resolving conflict, so that’s, that didn’t used to be the way in our relationship, she’d get angry, I’d get upset, and there was a conflict, because I didn’t want to talk when she was ready to talk, and we had to learn how to negotiate that, so it worked for both of us, and I think that, um, they’re doing that well, and uh, we talk about that acronym halt, H A L T.. If you’re not familiar with it, check it out, but it’s been really helpful in our relationship to make sure, are all my basic needs met, before I bring myself to discuss any issue that could have some conflict.
Kimberly Hoffman 21:41
That’s a great example, because it says really, as simple as that. It could just be one of those other underlying things that are really agitating you, and adding to whatever conflict there may be, so.
Matthew Hoffman 21:46
And you can’t take it personally, it’s not, you know, we, we always want to think it’s about us, and we have to step outside our own reality, and be willing to go, okay, they may need to have to handle something here To be best prepared. That’s what the dance is all about.
Kimberly Hoffman 22:10
Yeah. I think one more thing that stood out to me,uh, before we close this interview is, or recap, I should say, is that they met online, and we haven’t really talked a lot about online dating, but it’s really the way of the world right now. A lot of people due to COVID, due to maybe, they are not, they are not extroverts, and they don’t feel comfortable going out, and meeting people in that way, and so there’s a lot of online dating going on, and this couple met in I guess, some online dating service, and they you know, they just said, if they had to go back, and give themselves advice, that they would say, that person is out there, don’t be afraid, and know that you are going to find them, so if any of you are pursuing online dating right now, I think that’s great advice. Your partner, your significant other is out there, so don’t be afraid to jump in, and um, really open yourself up and find that special someone.
Matthew Hoffman 23:26
Yeah, that’s what Jill was saying. She said, You know, she said, I’m a little geeky. She said, You guys may not know this, but I used to work in the coroner’s office. She goes, I am a science nerd, and geek, and she said some people find that off putting, and she was ready to throw the towel in, and ,but through her faith, and you know, I always the person that you need needs you, and so it it’s kind of part of the I call the divine economy, right? Your need is someone else’s want, and you know, the two of you can get put together, and Joe said also, his piece of advice to his unmarried self is to communicate your needs early, your wants, and your desires. He said, that’s my advice to somebody that’s looking for a relationship, because if that other person, that partner’s not willing to meet those needs and doesn’t share the desires, that’s a red flag, and even if you’ve decided to build that life together and make that commitment, or even if you’ve been in a relationship for 25 years, if your partner doesn’t know, and you’re not communicating your needs, and your desires, and your wants, and I’m not just talking about uh, you picking up your socks off the floor, putting the toilet seat down, and the cap on the toothpaste, it could be in the bedroom, it could be intimacy, it can be how you like to be talked to, or don’t. It can be how you like to be touched, or don’t like to be touched. All those things are just part of the inventory of asking the right questions, so we get to know our partners more intimately, and in a way that brings us closer together. We talk about love languages, and I don’t think couples realize how vital it is to know your partner’s love language. It’s so important to know how that person likes to be loved, and so I would encourage our listeners if you don’t know your partner’s love language, talk about it, figure it out, know it, learn it, and express it. Yeah, and it’s primary, secondary and tertiary. I mean, it’s not just about getting number one all the time. It’s not about one, it’s not a it’s not a single note language. It’s got a lot of different nuances in it, and although lat Kim’s last love language might be getting a gift, doesn’t mean I never buy her gifts, I do. I just know that that’s not going to light her up the most, so I’m looking at our top three, and saying, and I we we talk about this all the time, I’ll ask her how well am I filling your love tank, one to 10. She’s never said 10 think the highest I gotten was a nine, five, so I’ve always had opportunities, and if you’re, you know, that’s an easy question to ask and touch base, so, you know, a lot of great stuff from this couple. Married two years, married later in life, and we appreciate the time they took to share with us so we can share it with you, and if you’re in a relationship, if you’re out of a relationship, if you love your relationship, if you’re treading water, or man, you just want to know how you can take it higher, we’ve developed a platform not only in this podcast, but in Kickass Couples Nation, so please go to “matthewphoffman.com,” look at Kickass Couples Nation. We’ve got monthly webinars. We’re doing one this evening online on security, and we’re gonna spend an hour with our panel of licensed marriage therapists talking about what is security in relationship? How do you strengthen it? How do you make it better, and what can you do with our support to get there in your relationship, so thanks for tuning in. We’re glad you’ve been with us today, and we look forward to seeing you out there.
Kimberly Hoffman 25:42
That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the Kickass Couples Podcast. If you liked the content of the show, you’ll love Matthew’s newly released book, “Kickass Husband: Winning at life, Marriage, and Sex.” To receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book, all you have to do is rate this show, and leave a review on Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you tune into. Then, email us a screenshot of your review at “podcast@kickasscouplespodcast.com,” and we’ll get it over to you right away. Until next time, remember “Happily Ever After Doesn’t Just Happen. It’s On Purpose.”