TRANSCRIPT
Matthew: (00:01)
Welcome to the kick couples podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who want to level up their marriage experience, newfound, clarity, hope, and confidence. We’re Matthew and Kim co-host and husband and wife
Kim: (00:16)
In 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never thought could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty, and wonderful world of
Matthew: (00:28)
Marriage. We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real-life successful couples to help you grow and strengthen your relationship. We’ll get started
Kim: (00:44)
Right after this message. If you wanna learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to pre-order Matthew’s new book H husband winning at life, marriage, and sex. You can get it@matthewehoffman.com. Again, that’s Matthew hoffman.com. And now back to the show,
Matthew: (01:08)
Welcome everybody to this recap episode for mayor Frank and Theresa Hibbard. This was episode 13 and we are gonna get into some good pearls and nuggets. And some of those key things that we thought was great about this interview. And talk about that just a little bit. Kim, do you wanna start us off? What was, what struck you about the Hibbards or what do you remember? What, what rock?
Kim: (01:33)
Well, they came out first and foremost by saying what was most important in their relationship was, um, balance and the support that they give each other, especially when they’re having a rough time. Um, and another thing that they said right away, right outta the gate was, you know, we, we see it as nothing is failing. Um, we keep going, nothing is failing. We keep moving forward. Um, and then they bring a lot of laughter when they move forward. So I feel like, um, you know, right, right from the get go, they establish that we’ve got good balance. Um, when we’re having a tough time, we support each other. And, um, we, we make our relationship a, a priority by saying, you know, nothing is, nothing is completely failing here. We’re gonna fix it. We’re gonna keep, keep going and we’re gonna have fun and we’re gonna move on.
Matthew: (02:26)
Right. And I think what’s, that’s important for everybody, any, any couple’s gonna benefit from the, the things that they came out swinging with right away, which I love they got right to it. And I think if you haven’t listened to the episode yet, uh, Frank Hibbert is a mayor. He’s a mayor of Clearwater, Florida. One of America’s number beaches, I think the three, three years of the last five years running and his wife Teresa. So he has two full-time jobs. He’s a mayor, right. Full-time job. And he’s a financial planner, uh, as well. And his wife also works fulltime for the salvation army. So you wanna talk about juggling two, three careers between two people and they’ve gotta have balance. They’ve gotta have that focus. Otherwise they’re just not gonna be able to work in that relationship. They do have kids they’re grown, so they’re empty nesters.
Matthew: (03:15)
Um, but, and they’re both servants of the community. So I think that focus is huge and learning how to prioritize their time. And mayor Haber had a great quote that I want to share with you. All he said about first things first is you have to learn how to give up on the good and save time for the great on a daily basis. Cuz he said, it’s so easy in their lives with three careers, public servants, you can always accept the good, but when you do that, you miss out on the great. So he said, they’ve become pros at learning how to prioritize that time for themselves and making sure that they’re saving room for the great for each other in their relationship.
Kim: (03:54)
And, and, and how do you do that? Right? I mean, that requires a lot of communication, I think between, um, a couple so that they can really sit down and determine, um, while we have so many good things here that we wanna do, we just don’t have all the time and energy and resources to do all of them. What are the great things? How do we prioritize?
Matthew: (04:17)
Absolutely. And so I think that one thing I’ve had to learn in relationship and one of my favorite quotes is just because you can doesn’t mean you should, when people ask you something, it might be a family member, it could even be your spouse, a business partner. Hey, can you, will you just because you can doesn’t mean you should and you’ve gotta really make sure that you’re reserving the best for that relationship. Cuz if you’re not, you get in the leftovers, nobody likes leftovers all the time. Yeah.
Kim: (04:44)
It’s hard to say no. Um, especially when there’s so many great things that you can be, um, or good things that you can be involved in. So you really are trying to sift through and find the great things. And I go back to there being three people in a relationship, right. There’s you and there’s me and there’s we, so is this good for the, we
Matthew: (05:04)
the us yeah. The us us gotta take
Kim: (05:07)
Priority, you know. Exactly,
Matthew: (05:08)
Exactly. And I think that’s when a lot of people run into problems in relationships is when, you know, I mean, one of our key focus is what’s unique about us and what we do is we learn, teach and preach prioritization. And if you’re not prioritizing your spouse as your number one relationship, it’s just not gonna go well, I, I don’t know anybody that has a kick relationship that hasn’t learned how to prioritize their spouse. I know that you, I feel like you do that for me in our relationship. And I certainly strive to do that for you and I don’t have all the answers. I think we’re, we’re both learning and it’s fun to hear like with Theresa and Frank, what they did and how they had to figure out that prioritization. And I think a lot of that kind of went back to learning from their family of origin. It
Kim: (05:55)
Did definitely, um, you know, Theresa’s family of origin was, uh, love does, uh, you know, it, everything that they did, um, in her family of origin was in the doing right, um, act act of services. There was routine, there was yes, lots of acts of nervous. Her dad traveled a lot. He wasn’t around very much. Um, and so I, I think that, um, for Theresa, when she came to the marriage love, wasn’t doing
Matthew: (06:27)
Right. And so that, that was my, and how did that do, what, how did that affect her? Did is so does, was it important to her to say, okay, I gotta make sure that I do in love or did that have the opposite effect on her where she said, you know, I need to get something different from this relationship.
Kim: (06:42)
Yeah. I mean, I think that for her, it wasn’t in the doing, I feel like, um, you know, she made a, a claim that her, uh, love language was words of affirmation. Um, and that’s what she needed. She really needed, um, to hear I’m a appreciated I’m, um, respected. And, um, she just needed to felt, feel like she was important. Yeah.
Matthew: (07:05)
Mayor Hibbard said he had to learn how to give her those words cuz he’s a doer and he likes to solve things. He jumps in he’s a solutions guy. And so that was a new, a new twist for him and his background. His family of origin was a little different. He said that he, you know, he really struggled. He was the youngest of six. He said I was the oops, cuz there was a gap of eight years between number five and him. And I think that, um, he, uh, his dad was an alcoholic and I, that really shaped a lot of his experience growing up and made it incredibly difficult on the, the good side he saw how strong his mom was because she had to deal with that. But it was an awesome story of redemption. You gotta listen to this episode guys because you know, his dad after figured out after 25 years of being alcoholic, he overcame it and then it was a love story.
Matthew: (07:54)
So he got to see his dad redeem and model. What love dedication looked like to his mom for the last bit, the last 20 years of their life. And that really had a lot to do for him, uh, in modeling what he needed to get from Teresa. And, uh, so it was a, it’s a great story and um, learned a lot and really set up what he expected. And um, it led to Frank learning how to be thoughtless thought thoughtful and, and, and selfless for therea. And one of the things that Theresa said about Frank is that he’s so generous with his time and giving to others. And he really learned how to do that from his mom. And then ultimately from his dad. Yeah.
Kim: (08:40)
When we talked to them about commitment, um, what really stood out to me was, um, you know, they both make a proactive decision to choose, to commit to each other each day each and every day they make that, um, that verbal commitment to each other that, you know, it’s a new day and we’re gonna schedule time together. Um, there’s a lot of push and pull on our relationship and um, you know, we’re gonna choose to be there for each other.
Matthew: (09:10)
I think that’s important. It may sound simple and funny, but we do this, uh, the Hibbs do this, a lot of the kick couples. We talk to you schedule time with your spouse, you put it on the calendar. If that’s a weekly date, hopefully you’re getting out at least once a week or that’s our goal anyways, just to have adult time, the two of us once a week when we can, but their schedule necessitates, they have to schedule it and they block it out and neither of them know they can roll over a race or wipe out that time because they know they have to have it together. And so they schedule that time. So that’s, it sounds like such a simple thing, but putting it on the calendar and committing to it and scheduling, it means that you’re, you’re, you’re carving it and making sure that you’re feeding and nourishing that relationship.
Kim: (09:54)
Absolutely. And her comment about that also, um, was that Frank’s loyal to me, um, stands out when that happens. Right. He’s loyal to me in, in any situation
Matthew: (10:07)
He goes to bat for her. I think that’s one of the things that under commitment that she knew, she knows he, she he’s committed to her because he, he goes up and takes the bullets on anything. He’s a fixer and that’s his job, but also they’ve agreed on that. So he didn’t just take that role. And she said, well, gosh, I guess this is how we’re gonna have it, but they agreed and got agreement on it. And he he’s happy to do that. That’s his love language, that’s his forte. And he, he comes to that and that makes her feel that commitment and gives her the security so they can go forward through the rest of their relationship.
Kim: (10:41)
And that kind of leads into the communication part. Um, what did they do for, um, you know, how did they communicate? What did, what did you notice? What stood out
Matthew: (10:50)
To you? Well, I think that one of the things they did and he, I think Frank started this in their relationship is he, he makes sure as busy as they are. And since they’re both working full time away from one another, they have a check-in at least once a day, he’ll call he’ll text and just say, Hey, how’s the day going? How you doing? You know, how did that project come out? Or, oh, this is what happened to me. And it’s funny, cuz Theresa said, you know, there’s days that go by, like Frank hasn’t called me yet. And he would call, she would call him and say, you know, you haven’t called me yet. And he would remind her and say, Hey, you know, there’s phone calls both ways. Doesn’t always have to be initiating. And it’s not, it’s not, if, if one spouse does something in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that they always have to do it. Right. Uh, it can come. It’s a good habit on both sides. And so he reminded her and she agreed, I can call, I can text. And so they have that, uh, daily touch base at least once, sometimes more than that. And, and, and Theresa’s really sweet cuz she said, when I don’t get it, I miss it. And I wonder where it is and that gives her the impetus or the impulse to call and say, how’s it going, Frank? What’s going on in your day? Cuz maybe he needs that support from her.
Kim: (11:57)
Yeah. It’s such an affirmation. I believe of their, of their commitment to each other.
Matthew: (12:03)
When it comes to creating a kick marriage. Do you ever wonder how you’re doing? We found that there are 13 key components that make up a thriving relationship, which is why we’ve created the kick assessment in this powerful free tool. You’ll learn what they are and how you and your spouse are ranking in each one. And you’ll get recommendations that will help you start improving today to get your results simply visit Matthew E hoffman.com. Again, that’s Matthew P hoffman.com. It’s time to start kicking. Let’s go. I think so. I think so. So one of the things that, um, you know, when, when we kind of move out of communication Kim and into conflict resolution, what did you see? Uh, you know, one of the things that I think they mentioned was, you know, Theresa talked about irritability and like what happens when one of the spouses is just not having a good day. And
Kim: (13:05)
I think that’s common with people who have two really high pressured jobs. Um, you know, you come home and sometimes rather than giving the best to your spouse, you’re giving them sort of the leftovers. Um, and I think what they have learned is that it’s okay to have a bad day. It’s okay to give each other some grace to extend that, um, to extend that all of leaf and say, you know, it’s it it’s okay that you had a bad day. I understand. Uh, what’s what you’re feeling right now. And that sort of diffuses an argument or conflict before it even begins.
Matthew: (13:46)
I agree. I, Frank had a great quote. He goes, don’t be the bomb. He goes, you don’t want to be the one that walks in and explodes and sends shrapnel flying. And you know, there’s carnage and people are getting injured in the relationship. And he said, you know, if you defuse it before it happens, then what you’re doing is you are maintaining the harmony and you’re not allowing the carnage right to be there, cuz there’s always gonna be struggles and, and things that people are striving, uh, to do. Uh, but think, you know, one of the things he said is that am I he’s in public service, right? So he is smiling and shaking hands and really has, you know, he, again and again and again, he is forced to be pleasant and respectful and loving even when he may not be getting that from somebody else.
Matthew: (14:34)
So a question that he asked, he said, am I treating the people I love the most, as well as those that are closest to me because you know, he goes, my wife, I love her, my kids, my in-laws my family. He goes, if I’m not treating them better than the strangers, that’s a problem. And, and I’ve, and, and that’s gonna create issues in the relationship. And I love that is so that’s a question. I, you know, everybody, we can all ask ourselves, are we treating the ones we love the most as good as, or better than the strangers we interact and come into contact with every day.
Kim: (15:09)
Yeah. We have to be really mindful of not giving them the leftovers again, you know, what’s, what’s sort of left of us at the end of the day. We should be trying to really give them our very best. Yeah. That’s hard to do. It is. It’s a hard thing to do. Another thing that, um, in, in conflict resolution that they brought up was being really mindful about bringing things up from the past. You need to throw those things away.
Matthew: (15:36)
Yeah. History, I think history in the bed, Theresa had an expression, a a, a, a bring your upper, you know, in, in other words, oh, you’re doing the, bring your upper you’re, you’re hauling out of the past and really that has to do with forgiveness. Right. And, um, I mean, we’ve all been hurt by those. We love those. We don’t love, you know, people may be total strangers to us, but when we rehash or bring, think of it, think of it as going to the dump and getting your trash and bringing it back and throwing it all over the place where you are right now, you would never go to the dump and look for trash. You threw out weeks, months, or even years ago. So if you’re not gonna do it in, why would you do it in your relationship? And I think that she brought that up and, you know, and, uh, Frank said, uh, he, he agreed that you can’t go back for that trash. Yeah.
Kim: (16:25)
And then, um, well, if we moved on to other pillars, one that Theresa brought up that was most important to her is trust and honesty. She really felt like that was, um, an important factor in a relationship. And, um, I know that, um, you know, that’s something that she values from Frank that he extends to her. He makes her feel safe. He makes her feel secure and he makes her feel, um, that she can trust him. And that he is gonna be really open and honest with, with everything with her.
Matthew: (17:04)
Yeah. I mean, I think Frank said maybe to a fault, or Theresa said, he’s got brutal honesty and, and he’s talked to people and work with other couples and they ask him what he, so they ask him for help. And he, he said, you know, one time I said to a couple, I don’t know if you’re gonna make it. And he was pointing at one of the individuals, he said, because you’re too selfish. Right. And those are the things, and it wasn’t sent it. Wasn’t said with malice, he wasn’t trying to hurt him, but he’s being brutally honest and saying, guys I’m concerned. And here’s why, and I think that if you have that safety net of commitment in the relationship, then you can say those things lovingly with honesty and you don’t have to sugar coat it or dance around it and be selective of what you say to your spouse because they need to hear it. And, um, and being willing to accept that influence is
Kim: (17:50)
Huge. Yeah. And I think that goes back to his family of origin with his mom, really portraying that selflessness when there was that 20 year struggle with his father. Um, and, and, you know, he recognized that and sees that, and he really tries to implement that in his own relationship as well. Yeah. And
Matthew: (18:12)
I think that Frank, when we are asking him about the pillars, we have 13 pillars, by the way, if you’re not aware, we’ve talked about these on and off in our podcast, you can find those 13 pillars at, uh, Matthew P hoffman.com. And we think there are 13 pillars of successful kick relationships. And we always talk about the three CS commitment, communication and conflict resolution as that foundation. And Theresa talked about trust and honesty. And I think as Frank was looking over the list, he said, you know what, they’re all important. The challenge is how do you take all of these, combine them and infuse your relat with these pillars? Because if you’re not focusing on ’em or you haven’t, or you’re weak in those areas, or really maybe not sure how they’re showing up in your relationship, it’s an opportunity. And I think that he said that he really works. They work, uh, to go through those and make sure they’re present in their relationship. So he said, the challenge is to you is to combine them and make sure they’re, they’re present.
Kim: (19:14)
I wanna talk a little bit about the, um, advice that they would give, uh, to their unmarried
Matthew: (19:20)
Selves. Sure. What did you learn there? So,
Kim: (19:24)
Um, you know, Frank said have realistic expectations. Um, you know, it’s not like the movies and I think a lot of us go into it thinking happily ever after. Right. And, um, it’s not that simple, it’s hard work and it takes, um, everybody working or both partner partners working each day each and every day hard.
Matthew: (19:51)
Yeah. It’s a commitment. Yeah. There’s, there’s no, there’s no plan B, right? No plan B no plan B. And I think that’s a, a theme that you’re gonna hear again and again, and again, successful relationships and people are there committed, there’s no plan B. It’s not like, well, we’ll hang out here unless right. And we’ve always said that if there’s infidelity or abuse of any kind, those are things that can really rock and maybe ruin or dissolve a relationship. But outside of the commitment issue, if there’s commitment, there really is nothing. You just you’re gonna work it through. Right. You’re gonna work it through and, and figure it out on how, uh, how it has to happen. And I think that, you know, one thing that I don’t think we mention yet, Kim, is that the Hibbs talked about getting outside help. Right. They talked about when things are tough or not going well, or if they’re struggling in something that they, they don’t have all the answers and they’re, they’re willing. And they have looked to others to help give them that perspective to work on things in their relationship. And I think kind of the greats that we’ve all talked to to a T have said, we need outside help. Right?
Kim: (20:58)
Yeah. It’s a reoccurring theme where a lot of our couples have said, you know, we don’t have all the tools. We don’t have all the of answers. And we have sought outside help to really give us some strategies and a plan on how to be better partners to be better communicators.
Matthew: (21:18)
Great, great, great advice and a good resource. And I think that, you know, we’ve created kick couples nation, as part of that, we’re we have on our website, you guys can go for find out about a community that we’ve created for like-minded people, imperfect couples that wanna level up. And there’s all kinds of great resources that might be helpful to you to help achieve that. And you know, one kind of a closing thought I wanted to share that Theresa had, and she made the comment. She said, you gotta understand the diff friends between happiness and contentment. She said, what are you choosing? She said, happiness is fleeting. If people are judging the quality of their relationship by am I happy or not? She said, well, that’s a choice. And circumstances change all day long and you can decide I’m happy, I’m unhappy. But she said, what’s more important is are you content? And contentment means that you understand the relationship where it is good or bad, but you’re content in it because you’re working, your spouse is working. And that contentment is something that you can choose and that you can have where happiness is fleeting and mallable and changing all day long.
Kim: (22:27)
Yeah. This is a great episode. I really appreciated, um, their openness and, um, what they brought to the table during this interview. If you want to listen to it, it’s in its entirety. It is Frank and Theresa Hibbard may, or Frank and Theresa Hibbard. You can
Matthew: (22:45)
Find that on Matthew P. Hoffman or wherever your favorite podcast are listed. And we thank you guys for coming to this recap, uh, come check us out like us subscribe. And if you found any value in this podcast or any others, please forward it to a friend so we can share the love, share the wealth and keep on going. And remember at the end of the day, that happily ever after does not just happen.
Kim: (23:10)
That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the kick couples podcast. If you like the content of this show, you’ll love Matthew’s upcoming book, kick husband, winning at life marriage insects to receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate this show and leave a review and hold podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune in to listen. Then email us a screenshot of your review at podcast kickass couples, podcast.com. And we’ll get it over to you right
Matthew: (23:44)
Until next time. Remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.