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Kickass Couples Podcast

How To Navigate and Excel in Your Marriage: Episode 2 – Kim Hoffman

By August 12, 2021September 9th, 2022No Comments


Matthew (00:02):

Welcome to the kick-ass couples podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who want to level up their marriage experience, newfound, clarity, hope, and confidence. We’re Matthew and Kim cohos and husband and wife

Kim (00:16):

In 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty, and wonderful world of marriage.

Matthew (00:28):

We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you grow and strengthen your relationship.

Kim (00:43):

We’ll get started right after this message. If you want to learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to pre-order Matthew’s new book, kick husband, winning at life, marriage, and sex. You can get Again, that’s AF And now back to the show.

Matthew (01:08):

All right. Are you ready to talk about this show?

Kim (01:11):

Ready? I’m ready. I’ve been

Matthew (01:12):

Ready. You’ve been

Kim (01:13):

Ready. Okay. No, that’s really not true, but, um, first of all, before we dig in, I just, I want to say that I can’t believe we’re actually here right now doing this and spend a long time and preparing. And, um, I know this has been your baby for the last year, year and a half. Um, and I’m so proud of you and all of the work and time and energy and heart real heart that you have put into, um, doing this podcast. And I’m so excited to be sitting here next to you. And, um, we get to share this together, um, and you know, we’re beginning a new journey and, um, I’m really looking forward to it, so,

Matthew (01:56):

Oh, thank you. I’m excited too. It seems, you know, there’s been so much preparation for what we’re getting into and just to be able to be sitting here, talking with you about something that we’re both so passionate about and what we’re getting into. So I’m grateful full of gratitude. As I said next year, too. My, my number one, the woman who, uh, brought me to why I’m here really that’s, you’re the reason.

Kim (02:22):

Well, I think it’s important to, um, tell all of you why we’re doing this, what it is that led us to, to be here today.

Matthew (02:31):

Absolutely. The kick-ass couples podcast. The reason we’re getting into this is because I think that my wife and I came and I have been able to experience such an amazing marriage and relationship we’ve been together for over 26 years, married for 26 years, over 26 years. And in the last few years, we’ve really started to focus and pay attention and invest in work on this relationship. And I think that we’re the, that we’ve ever been. And we really think that all couples deserve to have an incredible marriage and to be as happy as we are, and they’re all able to do it.

Kim (03:13):

And that’s really the reason why we’re doing it is that we genuinely believe that couples do deserve and are very capable of having, um, an amazing, extraordinary, fulfilling relationship.

Matthew (03:27):

Absolutely. And I think, and it’s, and it’s, I don’t, I think everybody wants to have that kind of relationship and they may have a different idea about what that looks like, but really the problem that this podcast and our brand and everything that we’re doing for couples, what we want to solve is really ignorance and ignorance. Isn’t a bad thing. It just means you don’t know, and we want to help plug those holes and give people what they need to learn on how to do it and how to get there.

Kim (04:00):

Uh, toolbox really just, uh, a box of, um, ideas and, um, things that we can do in our marriage to keep it healthy and wholesome.

Matthew (04:15):

Absolutely. And I think what’s, what’s unique about what we’re doing and how we’re going to do it is we want to teach people how to prioritize their spouse, your number one, who’s, who’s your number one. And I think that learning how to do that is not easy, but it’s so worthwhile. And this podcast is going to be Kim and Kim and I talking to other couples, other successful couples at varying stages of relationships and ask them what their secret sauce is and how are they doing it and how have they met the challenges that we all face and that we all experience and what have they done to, to overcome them in their own experience. And then talk about what works.

Kim (04:59):

Absolutely. I mean, I think the bottom line is give your best to your spouse every day. Is it hard work? Yes. But anything that’s worth doing takes work, commitment, time focus wouldn’t you agree?

Matthew (05:15):

Absolutely. You have to, and it’s an acquired skill. I think when you get married, you’re kind of, you’re, you’re in all, you’re infatuated, you’re looking at this beautiful person and you’re excited about all the wonderful things that are going to happen, but you don’t get a handbook. And then once you’re married, you’re not really sure what to do and how to do it or where you’re supposed to go or what’s next. And unfortunately, I think you would read this, Kim, I want to hear what you say as well, but life catches up to you, whether it’s your work or your growing family, your kids, and there’s a lot of things that want to steal and kind of capture and take your time. And it takes you take your eye off the ball, so to speak and your spouse is no longer your number one priority, your number one focus. And you know, what, what, what do you think happens in the marriage when that happens?

Kim (06:04):

Well, I think often we give our spouse the leftovers and, um, that’s a bad habit and pattern to get into. It’s so important that we bring our best to our spouse, every opportunity that we get. And I know we’re bogged down by work and kids, and there’s so many things that are at us all day long, sort of chip away at us, right? So when we get home, um, the last thing we do want to do is put our energy and our focus and time into our marriage. But I really believe that when we do, when we’re cognizant of that and we’re proactively working on a relationship, um, it just makes everything else outside of that better.

Matthew (06:54):

Absolutely a concept that you’re going to, it reminds me of him. We talked about the whole idea and I don’t think I necessarily coined this, but I love it is spillover thinking. And really one of the major reasons or focuses or points about this podcast and everything that we’re doing together is that concept of spillover thinking that if I, my number one job, if I had to simplify what it means to be a kick husband or a kick spouse, I would say, I want to pour so much into my spouse so much good, so much love, care concern that my spouse can’t contain it and all that good is just bubbling up and bubbling over. And it’s spilling over to everybody that she comes into contact with. And that if, if I’m doing that for her, and she’s doing that for me, it’s going to bless and promote and help and lift up everybody we come into contact with. Would you agree with that?

Kim (07:52):

Absolutely. It’s infectuous when you are pouring into me and I know you’ve got my back and I can feel that you’re, um, just giving me what I need in, in, in moments during the day, throughout the day, when you’re doing that, for me, it definitely spills over and pours into everything else I’m doing. I’m joy-filled, I’m happy. I know you’ve got my back. And, um, it just makes me a better person

Matthew (08:20):

When it comes to creating a kick-ass marriage, do you ever wonder how you’re doing? We found that there are 13 key components that make up a thriving relationship, which is why we’ve created the kick-ass assessment in this powerful free tool. You’ll learn what they are and how you and your spouse are ranking in each one. And you’ll get recommendations that will help you start moving today, get your results, simply visit Matthew Again, that’s It’s time to start kicking. Let’s go. So Kim, if someone were to ask you, why are you and Matthew doing this podcast? What’s the reason that you think you and I, how would you describe that to someone and why are we doing what we’re doing? Why is it important to us?

Kim (09:12):

Well, I think you already said that. I mean, you, you hit the nail right on the head. When you said that we believe all couples are deserving of having an extraordinary and fulfilling relationship. Okay.

Matthew (09:28):

Yeah, I agree. And I think, you know, who is this for, if you want to know if this podcast is for you, if you’re an imperfect couple and you want to level up, you want to get better than this is for you. You know, we, even though Kim and I both think we’re, we’re a kick-ass couple. And we’ll talk a little more about that in a minute. Uh, I, I know I have feet of clay and I make mistakes every single day and I fall short and I get upset and I maybe don’t meet the expectation of what I think I should be doing. But I think that everybody has an opportunity as Kim was saying to get an extraordinary relationship. And Kim and I are passionate about our desire to help other people experience a relationship as good as it can be.

Kim (10:16):

Absolutely. I think we’re most excited about walking along side of all of you, um, learning and growing together as we explore relationships. And as we hear from people, uh, who have been successful in their relationships who have, um, been through all different stages in life in relationships, think there’s a lot of value to be learned from, from those people. I’m really excited about this.

Matthew (10:48):

I am too. I think it’s going to be so much fun for us to explore and talk to people that have been married for years and years, to people that have just gotten married and even to maybe some couples who aren’t married yet, but they’re committed to each other. And they’re thinking that marriage might be around the corner because there’s such great, valuable lessons that we can learn from all those stages and all those people. And I’m most excited because I know that you and I are going to learn a lot from the people that we’re talking to and sharing, uh, all that goodness. And one of the things that we’re going to do that Kim and I are going to talk to these people in order for us to get a good perspective. You’re going to hear us talking to these couples about where they came from. And in order for us to understand where they are now and their relationship, we’re going to talk about their family of origin. And what did love look like for them growing up? What did they see their parents or parents or grandparents, or whoever their primary caregivers ex ex explain and explore? What did they see demonstrated? Because it’s really important because that’s what they brought to the marriage, the relationship. And one of the toughest things to handle is two people’s history and origin coming together and forming that one bond in a new marriage.

Kim (12:03):

Yes. I, I think it’s important that we share with you that we’re, we’re not counselors, we’re not marriage counselors. We have no licenses to do this. However we have experience. Um, and we’re excited to talk to other couples and, um, bring to you what they’ve done, what we’ve done, uh, learn from each other and share. I believe that there’s a lot of, um, a lot of good and a lot of information and a lot can be learned from that.

Matthew (12:38):

Absolutely it came and it’s going to be, you can expect to hear from other couples, what worked for them, what didn’t work for them, what their biggest challenges or successes or failures. It seems, I don’t know why. I don’t know who said it, but we seem to learn more from our failures than our successes, maybe cause they’re a little sharper and tougher for us to go through and we’re going to kind of be pulling back the curtain on people’s relationships and having them share what they went through and how they handle it and hope that we can give some of those pearls to you. And this podcast is actually going to be the first part of the kick-ass couples nation. This is our foray into this together. Kim and I will be working on this podcast together. Um, a few months after this gets going, you’re going to be seeing kick-ass couples nation, which is our membership site that’s going to be coming out.

Matthew (13:31):

And that membership site is for couples to give them the tools and the resources to help them level up and get stronger in their relationships. And then you’re going to hear us talk about my book. That’s coming out, the kick husband, winning at life, marriage and sex. And that’s 52 small digestible chapters, easy to talk about where I share some of the successes and what I’ve learned over my 26 years of marriage as a husband and what it’s going to take for me, for you to be success successful, what it will take for you to be successful in that relationship and this beautiful lady sitting right next to me is the subject of that book. And so it’s kind of like a learning lab of experiences that you get to share. Some of my tips, tricks, insights, and then my coauthor in that book, Chris canvass, who is a licensed marriage therapist, talks about why it’s important to do those things. And what happens if you don’t and kind of gives us a, the counseling viewpoint of what strong couples and relationships looks like. So this podcast is kind of our intro and be, if you, like, if you thought about the foundation or the pillars of a relationship, what are some of the things that come to mind, or what do you think is most important for AC any successful relationship?

Kim (14:51):

Well, I can only speak to us or, and for me personally, but the most important thing for me is my spiritual foundation that comes first and foremost because that’s really the core, the crux of who I am and how I, um, how I conduct myself. But after that, I would definitely have to go with the three CS first commitment, number one, um, and probably most important. And number two, communication, number three, conflict resolution. So the three CS would be, um, I think what have made us a kick-ass couple, uh, we have done those well. I think it’s only in recent years, but I believe that we are really focused on those three things and have not mastered because we’re definitely a work in progress and we are continuing to work on those things daily, but I believe that we’re getting better at it. And we, um, have really been committed to those three CS.

Matthew (16:03):

I agree. I think that the foundation of any successful relationship, but what makes it kick? I mean, the first of those three CS is commitment because if you don’t, if both couples, if both people in a relationship or husband and wife are not committed, both people are not committed to each other or to the relationship. It’s really difficult to go any, any further without that commitment. And I think you and I have done a great job of demonstrating that and we learn every day how to, how to do it better. And, and those three CS are really three pillars that we’re going to talk about with all the couples that we interview and ask them how they approach it and how well they’re doing at it, or what are the obstacles that get in the way of them doing it successfully. And there’s, we have other pillars in our platform and other things are qualities that we’ll be talking about. And there’s about 13 in total, but I, I agree with you. Those three CS are really the focus, the foundation of success, of any relationship, and we’re going to review those and others with everybody we talked to because we want to get a good understanding of how they do it and what they do.

Kim (17:10):

Have you had one piece of advice, um, that you wish we had when we first got married. If there’s one piece of advice you could give that you wish we had back then, way back then, what would it be?

Matthew (17:28):

Oh man, if I could look back at, you know, gosh, I’d say that, uh, Stephen Covey has a concept called the emotional bank account. And when I think about a marriage, a relationship, it’s an investment. You’ve got to invest in that relationship. And I think it sounds so fundamental and basic, but knowing you have to do it and then learning how to do it so that every day you’re putting deposits in that relationship and that emotional bank account, because you’re going to make mistakes and you’re going to mess up. And anytime you make those mistakes in a relationship, you know, if you think about like a bank account, it’s a withdrawal. And if you take too many withdrawals, you become overdrawn and it causes problems. But if you’re pouring in and filling that other person up and making those deposits and investing in that relationship, it’s going to give you the grace and the slack to really navigate those, those trying times, I think, in any relationship. And so I think learning to invest would definitely be for me, I’m going to turn the tables on you and say, what would a, if you could get one piece of advice, or if you, if you had one piece of advice back from when we first started our relationship, what would, what would you have wished that would have been,

Kim (18:49):

I think similarly, um, I didn’t know that you really needed to protect and preserve and nurture your relationship on a daily basis. I didn’t realize that I was very naive to, um, to that fact, I think it’s easy to, um, in the beginning, do those things, but then as time goes on, you become very comfortable with one another, you get a little sedentary, then you start a family and all of a sudden you just don’t do those things at all. You’re not, you’re not nurturing. You’re not watering the garden. You’re not, you’re not taking care of the weeds. And, um, you be, you get in this pattern that becomes unhealthy. And, uh, I wish back then that I knew that I had to work on that and really focus on those things every day. You know, for example, every single day you bring me a cup of coffee and with that coffee normally comes a hug or kiss. And just in those two gestures, the coffee and the morning greeting, you have told me that you have my back, that you love me, that you’ve got my back today and that I’m important to you. And that’s just an incredible thing to take throughout the day with you. That has meant so much to me over the years. Um, just those two little simple things have, um, nurtured me and told me that you’re there for me.

Matthew (20:42):

That’s a great example. I appreciate you sharing that. And it’s my joy to do in my privilege. I, I get to do that. It’s not an obligation, but it’s just something one way that I’ve chosen to show you, uh, a daily act of service, just a little, a little thing, but it’s, you know, when you were talking, I heard you saying about our commitment and what happens over time. It’s you all have heard the term probably, uh, it’s a slow fade. In other words, it’s not, this is not something that happens overnight, but it happens. It’s little adjustments over a long period of time. And I asked my, uh, I have a niece who’s really good at math and science. And I asked her to do a little math problem for me last summer. I said, if I was traveling from California to New York and I took the most direct route and I measured the miles and what that distance and that obviously that angle, it’s a straight line.

Matthew (21:42):

I said, if I’m off by one degree over just that trip of over 2000 miles, where would I end up if I wanted to go from San Francisco to, to New York, how far, where would I end up? And she did the math and she came back and she said, you would be 40 miles off of your destination just by changing your course, one degree. And that one degree are those things that you do every day. It’s all the little things that add up, obviously over distance in time and 40 miles off of your journey is not even close to the end point. And I think that what you’re talking about is the, the little things all added together should make a huge difference in relationships. And we’re going to be talking about what are those little things. Some of them might be practical tips and tricks. Some of them might be conceptual ideas, concepts that are really rooted in science and human behavior. And we’re going to get into all that kind of stuff I think, and just really have a lot of fun learning how people do it and what makes them successful.

Kim (22:52):

Absolutely. I’m excited to hear what other people do, what their ideas are and how they make it work.

Matthew (22:59):

No, I can’t wait. I think, I think when, when you ever you’re asked the question who learns more the teacher or the students, and it’s, we’re gonna learn, uh, Kim and I are excited because we know we’re going to learn from all these people in different stages of their relationships about what they’re doing and how they’ve done it and how they’ve been able to prioritize their spouse and put them number one. And, um, I love the, some of you all, I’m dating myself a little bit. I know, but, uh, Abbott and Costello have a comedy routine called who’s on first and it’s about a baseball player and a baseball manager, figuring out who’s on what base. And I love that idea of who’s on first. Cause it all comes back to commitment and who is your number one relationship? And if it’s not your spouse there in lies, so many problems that happen with couples in relationships.

Kim (23:51):

Absolutely. Um, can you tell us a little bit about the, the 13 pillars, which are really sort of the crux and the core of the things that we’ll be discussing over the course of this podcast?

Matthew (24:05):

Absolutely. We are, we talked about the first three that we think are kind of the core and the foundation, the three C’s commitment, communication and conflict resolution. And the way this podcast is gonna be structured is that every fifth episode Kim and I are going to kind of do a deep dive on one of those characteristics. So we won’t, we won’t be interviewed, we’ll be the two of us talking and bringing up examples, maybe pulling something out of pop media and culture what’s happening with us right now to emphasize the importance of that attribute or, or a piece of what happens in a relationship and what you can do to develop that relationship muscle. You know, we have 13 pillars, um, we’ve got the three, we talked about the commitment, communication and conflict resolution. And then we also have trust and honesty is one. Do you want to share Kim, some of the, some of the others

Kim (24:59):

Just real quick, we can sort of run through them. Patience, intimacy, lasting love, selflessness, unity, servant leadership, faith, and a moral code, appreciation and security.

Matthew (25:24):

And we’ll, we’ll have a chance to talk about those and talk about those with our guests and ask them how they’re using those skills and attributes and how they’re developing them, or how do they manifest or show up in their relationships. And so we’re super excited to be getting into this and Kim, and I don’t know if you notice the surroundings, we’re not going to give you the full tour right now, but Kim and I are sitting in a 1973 sovereign Airstream trailer. This is our podcast studio, and also our camper that we travel with our young son in. And, uh, it has a name. This Airstreams name is Maynard. We, we didn’t, we didn’t name him that, but we, he came with a name registered with Airstream international. So Maynard is our studio. And as part of this introductory podcast, a little later, you’re going to get a tour of Maynard.

Matthew (26:12):

So you can see the ins and outs of this 30 foot home away from home and podcast studio, where we’ll have guests, that’ll be in here with us and w when we’re interviewing them live, and then we’ll be doing our remote interviews here via zoom as well. So you’ll get to know that wherever we go, Maynard goes, and you’re going to get some incredible interviews. And, uh, you can see the aluminum and the shininess, and it’s a little unique. So we’re typically in blue jeans for these interviews are pretty casual. It’s an Airstream interview, and we want you to come in and relax with us and have a chance to talk about the tools, the tricks, the ideas, the concepts, and what you can do to better develop your number one relationship and work on becoming more of a kickass couple yourselves. We said it before, and you’re going to hear us say it again, because happily ever after does not just happen. It’s on purpose. So welcome to the couples podcast.

Matthew (27:21):

Let’s go inside and meet Maynard, our 1973 fully frame off restored Airstream trailer, where all the magic of the kick-ass couples podcast is going to happen. All right, we’re going to step in and you’re going to get to see the studio. First here, we have our road. Mike’s our monitor, our splitting board. And this is where we interview all of our couples for the kick-ass couples podcast, whether we’re on the road, whether those couples are live with us right here in the trailer, or Kimberly, my co-host and I are here. And we’re zooming with people all around the world. As we continue down, you can kind of see the luxurious kitchen that we have here in Maynard, two burner stove for all those delicious creations, we’re going to make a sink. Our convection microwave is right here. We’ve got our full size freezer and fridge, our entertainment center for music and satellite.

Matthew (28:13):

When we’re not recording studios cruising on down on the other end of the trailer, you can peek in and see our full-size bathroom with our vessel sank in our shower. Now we’re cruising back into the bedroom and you can see we’ve got a queen sized bed back here, a little TV for entertainment and storage underneath. Now. We’ll cruise back out Maynard, as he is registered with Airstream. International is a 30 foot, 1973 classic trailer. So you’ve just witnessed and gotten the grand tour. He saw the shots on the outside. Now you get to see what the inside of men are to look like for the kick-ass couples pod.

Kim (28:54):

That’s all we’ve got for this episode of kick-ass couples podcast. If you liked the content of the show, you’ll love Matthew’s upcoming book, kick husband, winning at life marriage insects to receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate this show and leave a review on apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune in to listen. Then email us a screenshot of your review at podcast at kick-ass couples, And we’ll get it over to you

Matthew (29:28):

Right away until next time. Remember happily ever after it doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.