TRANSCRIPT
Matthew: (00:02)
Welcome to the kick couples podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who want to level up their marriage experience, newfound, clarity, hope, and confidence. We’re Matthew and Kim co-host and husband and wife
Kim: (00:17)
In 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never the thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty, and wonderful world of marriage.
Matthew: (00:29)
We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing and extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you and strengthen your relationship. We’ll
Kim: (00:44)
Get started right after this message. If you wanna learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to pre-order Matthew’s new book, kick husband, winning at life, marriage, and sex. You can get it at Matthew P. Hoffman com again, that’s Matthew hoffman.com. And now back to the show, come to kick couples, podcasts, episode 13, recap with Jason and theres Benedict. The Benedict are principles of the automation age agency, a company that they both run together. Theres is an author. And this is a really great podcast because I feel like this podcast in particular really rose up to overcome and really, um, being able to meet head on some really serious challenges, um, that happened before marriage, right? And then bringing those challenges to their marriage and overcoming and bringing to the surface, a lot of things that needed to be dealt with. And they were able to do that in a really great successful way. So I feel like this podcast is for you, if you have had trauma or any kind of real challenges that you have brought into a relationship
Matthew: (02:24)
There, and Jason were, were open books and they shared really from a tough past that, uh, you wouldn’t wish on anybody and they were open and honest and really talked about how these challenges transformed them individually. And also as a couple and Teresa came right outta the shoot, and she’s said, you know, we’re kick because of our communication and our respect of each other, and they nurture it and she says, you’ve gotta be willing to break the routine. And that’s so true. We get into routines of how we do things or how we approach our spouse, especially communication. And when communication becomes rote, you know, it becomes automatic. There’s not necessarily a lot of emotion and passion there. And I think that she and Jason both recognized that and works really hard to make sure they kept their communication authentic. She said, that’s why we’re kick. It’s because we are wholeheartedly committed to each other. And the way we communicate is respectful and fulfills and leans into the other spouse.
Kim: (03:31)
Yeah. And Jason said we are active listeners. We have learned probably the hard way to embrace hardship, to face it, to work on it and to not turn away, but to do it together, run to the challenge. And let’s just hit it head on and, and deal with it.
Matthew: (03:54)
And they didn’t shy away from anything. I think that, and there’s man, I gotta, Jason shared, we, one of the questions we always say, you have to go back to go forward and let’s look at what love looked like growing up. And Jason talked about growing up that he was abused for three years from the age six to nine, that his mother’s boyfriend raped him and molested him. And, uh, that obviously left. He huge scars, a lot of physical and emotional damage. And he, uh, really was struggling with that. And for years told no one. And he learned there was his, there was his life, uh, his lifeline that he met her and he learned how to talk about this, to bring it up, to understand that it wasn’t his fault, how to frame it correctly and really use it as energy and strength to grow not only in their own relationship, but to learn how to help others.
Matthew: (04:54)
And he’s so proud of that because he can talk about it now. And he said, you know what? It was too deep for him to handle. He got help. And that help came in the form of theres and anybody out there, any of our listeners, if you have struggled or been the victim of any atrocious behaviors or actions or crimes like this, you gotta get help. And you can’t, it’s, it’s gotta be impossible to Wade through on your own. And that help could come in the form of your spouse, come in the help of a counselor, a therapist, but you gotta unpack that stuff because he admits in our interview with him, if he’d not been able to unpack that he could not have moved forward in his life, he was, uh, self soothing and, and with alcohol and drugs, and he thinks he would’ve killed himself by overindulgence of just trying to find a way to escape and forget. But instead he was not a victim. He took it and used it as energy to move forward, and now he’s able to help others. And, uh, he just knows that he’s a better husband, a better lover, uh, and that he said love definitely overcomes because it did for him.
Kim: (06:00)
Yeah. What a beautiful story of being able to, um, have a spouse come in, truly love you and see you who see you for who you are, and to really help you be able to work through the trauma. And like you said, not, not everyone is equipped to do that, right? So in this case, theres had that ability and that just happens to be one of her gifts. And, uh, if you don’t have that again, as Matthew had said, uh, if you’re not equipped to handle that, we definitely suggest that you do get help to do that. There are people out there who specialize in, um, people who have been victims of trauma. And I feel like that’s really one of the, one of the ways that you can heal and help unpack all of that. Um, I think there also, Matthew came from a really difficult situation.
Kim: (07:09)
She had a dad who was unfaithful to her mom, her dad chose the other woman. Uh, mom was scorn and not only was she scorned, but she didn’t give love because when she was younger, she wasn’t loved well. And so here you have this sort of domino effect, right? You can see it happening in a couple of generations now. And so Theresa did get the love and the security and all of the things that she needed to be successful and to love other people well in life. So neither Teresa or Jason came to this relationship, really equipped to be able to love well and to, um, just be strong right in their relationship. They had to learn how to do it. And thankfully Theresa really had the gifts of being able to do that deep within her. Teresa
Matthew: (08:16)
Was a, a great example of, and I think she shared, said it’s possible to overcome, to change and to break the links. She talks about those links, uh, that were formed both in hers and Jason’s experiences as ones that would want to bind you and keep you down. She said, we had to learn how to work it out and to break those links. And it led to some, those things were big for them to, and, uh, work with each other on how do they make their relationship work. And that was another kind of a, a wedge between them and his family. And I think there, you know, there was not welcomed into that family. She was not, uh, wanted there. And I think because she kind of shed the light to Jason’s family about what were some of the challenges and how they didn’t step up and accept responsibility for the past pain and hurt that had happened to Jason. So she really shined a lot of light for his family, which made another difficult situation, but, uh, they had an aid gap to deal with and, you know, so gosh, so many things stacked against them, but they were able to be successful in rectifying those things and helping each other out of those dark holes and using the negative for good.
Kim: (09:28)
Yeah. And that’s just a Testament to, um, our pillar of commitment, right. They were always there for each other, no matter how difficult it got, uh, when one was down the other lifted, um, the other went up, so they were constantly, um, taking turns, really supporting one another and, and helping one another. And I think that at this is just a beautiful demonstration of truly seeing someone and truly loving someone. Um, and, and I’m saying that for both Jason and theres as well, they both came to the relationship with trauma, but said, we’re gonna work through this and we’re gonna deal with this. And we are gonna be better for it.
Matthew: (10:20)
And commitment was the thread. Yeah. Like their commitment to each other. And the relationship was that thread that they said, I think tree said it. She said it was woven throughout everything. We did everything. We said, everything we did. And we were, we both had to be that nothing that we said, or did no deed or word would break that thread of commitment, and we’re gonna be intentional about it. And that kind of led into them talking about the rest of our pillars, right. That they experienced and what they thought when it comes to creating a kick marriage. Do you ever wonder how you’re doing? We’ve found that there are 13 key components that make up a thriving relationship, which is why we’ve created the kickass assessment in this powerful free tool. You’ll learn what they are and how you and your spouse are ranking in each one. And you’ll get recommendations that will help you start improving today to get your results simply visit Matthew E hoffman.com. Again, that’s Matthew E hoffman.com. It’s time to start kicking. Let’s go.
Kim: (11:30)
Yeah, they really were intentional about the bond and that that bond was not gonna break and that they were gonna put their love in each other’s hands for safety and for nurturing. And I really love that. Um, they did have a strong sense of commitment and, and do have a strong sense of commitment. And one of the things that they said is that if there isn’t the commitment, then there is no trust. And doesn’t that ring so true.
Matthew: (12:04)
It does. You have to have that foundation of trust because you’re really in, in, in a relationship on a daily basis, you’re putting yourself out there, especially when are coming from an experience of trauma and you’ve been hurt and you’ve been burned. You’re really reticent. You don’t want to put yourself out there because you’ve seen what happens when you do. And that you’re, you’re not, uh, taking care of in that. And I think that one of the things that theres said, she said, the language of how we communicate is so important, because this is a, a dance and you have to communicate and learn to do the dance. And that it’s action it’s action versus concepts it’s due versus discuss. And it’s lived versus just thought about, and she said that communication is based on action. And I loved when she talked about that be because it’s not, it’s an active, it’s not a, it’s not a, a philosophical discussion, right. About what things should be, but it’s kind of building a framework and then choosing to work within that framework. And that, that was a big takeaway for me, for them.
Kim: (13:08)
And I appreciated so much the way that they said when we really do have things that we need to, to communicate about issues. Maybe there are challenges that we grab hands. We talk about the issues, or maybe we had a reaction to something during the day. So we talk about what that may have been, and we are aware, um, of how we talk to each other. And we are aware of how we are speaking to each other about these challenges. So we’re intentional. We look into each other’s eyes, we hold each other’s hands. And we’re very intentional about how we speak to
Matthew: (13:53)
One another. I think that’s important when you’re talking about conflict, when conflict arises, kind of having a way to deal with it. She talked about pausing waiting, and I loved it when she said winning the moment is not worth hurting your spouse. So when there’s conflict, it’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong, but it’s, it’s about seeking that understanding first and then being supportive in a love and tender way. And, you know, she said, you have to honor the person you love by reconnecting to the person that you fell in love with. So when those times are difficult, it’s not taking the personal hurt or that circumstance or that argument, or whatever’s in front of your face, but taking the time and saying, how can I honor my spouse by reconnecting with what I love about them? And so that makes you go back and really difficult to be angry or upset when you’re focusing on love and gratitude.
Kim: (14:49)
Absolutely. They also talked about, or, or theres. I love, she said, you know, sometimes it isn’t personal at all. Sometimes it’s just a, a, I have the need to vent, right. Or maybe Jason has the need to vent. And so tell me, I need to vent right now. I’m gonna sit down and I’m just gonna vent. I’m just gonna get it all out. Because sometimes I think, especially for women, we need to get it all out. We just need to say it. And, um, I love that, how they said, you know, we’re just gonna have our vent time.
Matthew: (15:20)
Yeah. And giving each other, the grace and the space, right. To do what you need to do. And I think that, um, one of the, when we’re talking to them a little bit more about what their favorite pillow were, um, I think Jason said, you know, what struck most of him after the three CS was servant leadership, because he said having a servant’s heart, that’s the greatest gift or the greatest thing you can do for somebody else. It transcends time and years and people, you know, they’re gonna forget a gift. They’re gonna forget a, an occurrence. They’re gonna figure an argument. But if you serve them in a loving way, that gift is gonna stand the test of time. And he talked about how that’s so important to him because he sees that in his spouse and he strive to do that for her and all the relationships that he has, whether they’re work or personal.
Kim: (16:09)
Yeah. And for Teresa, it was selflessness. She always asks the question, what can I do for you? And she said, this was a quote, sacrifice is a beautiful gift to give someone I love that. No greed, no ego, no quid pro quo, just show people love by loving them correctly. And by being the best example you can be. So she really enjoys just sacrificing her time for others.
Matthew: (16:44)
And they do that for each other, Kim. And it also spilled over so beautifully into their business. And they were talking about, you know, the, the strength of their relationship. And they said, they’re business models, who they are in their relationship. So they’re not somebody different at home than they are in the office. Even though they have offices right next to one another. And that they really take that trust, honesty, and respect that they have for each other. And they use that mindset and to allow them to succeed in their business. And that’s how they’ve been able to consistently take those same qualities into the rest of their business and what they’re doing in their lives.
Kim: (17:18)
What I love that they said about all the pillars really in general, is that they’re not just words on a page that you have to live and apply them. You have to make a conscious decision daily to live by those pillars.
Matthew: (17:34)
They do. And, and I think they realize they talked about a lot of the different pillars and looked at the, the components and said, these things are connected. It’s they don’t, they don’t happen in isolation, but it’s really, they’re different threads of the same fabric. And there’s a lot of relation, uh, in, in all those ideas that came through. And we kinda went to some of the advice that, uh, they would give their unmarried selves. And, and, and I, again, they struck home to me. And I think that Jason said, you know, what I think is most important. He said, if I could give myself, I say, come clean sooner to get clarity and freedom. If there’s issues, if there’s things in your past things you’ve struggled with, or maybe things you haven’t shared with anybody else, get it out there, talk to your spouse about it.
Matthew: (18:21)
Because if you’ve got the commitment, they’re gonna love you and respect you and be there for you. That’s happened to Kim and I, and our relationship, uh, was struggling something. And she put her hand on my shoulder and she looked me in the eyes. She said, I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. And she gave me the freedom and the permission to talk about something from my past that was deep seated and really bothered me, but I didn’t have to worry because I knew she was gonna take it from a supportive role. And I think that’s what Jason was, is come clean sooner. So you can get the freedom and start living it right now.
Kim: (18:54)
Yeah. And there is a lot of freedom in that. Wouldn’t you agree AB for sure. Unpack it and, uh, let it come to the surface, deal with it, get help dealing with it if you need to. But I think getting it out there and, um, you know, just letting it come to the surface and not suppressing, it is so much more healthy.
Matthew: (19:15)
It is gotta deal with it. And
Kim: (19:18)
So Teresa’s advice to herself, her unmarried self, if she had to go back would be to say, stand up for yourself. And I think what she was trying to explain, she was in a, a not so healthy relationship prior to her relationship with Jason. And she did it out of the need to be loved and out of convenience. And so her advice to herself would be don’t settle. You are worth it. Don’t settle. Have more respect for yourself. Yeah.
Matthew: (19:57)
Yeah. I think that her statement about, uh, about love was she said, you gotta determine, is it real? Or is it just convenient? Cuz I think in her story to us, she talked about, uh, she saw that her mom just settled because it was convenient, but it wasn’t the real lasting love. And she refused to do that in her relationship. And she wants to make sure that she let everybody else know that they not settle. They hold out for the real thing, which is what this couple had so beautifully demonstrated in so many great ways. It’s a great interview. If you haven’t seen the whole thing, it’s a wonderful thing about redemption.
Kim: (20:37)
Yeah. I give this couple, a lot of kudos. They overcame and I’m sure still are overcoming, right? Cuz we’re all a work in progress, but they have done so much to, uh, really have a wonderful, beautiful, healthy relationship. Despite all of the things that happened to them from their past.
Matthew: (20:58)
If you haven’t heard the whole interview, I would encourage you to go listen to it. It’s episode 13 on the kick couples podcast, Jason and theres Benedict a power couple, definitely kick in our book. We hope you’ll listen to that and keep coming back to our podcast because remember everybody that happily ever after does not just happen. We’ll see you next time.
Kim: (21:22)
That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the kick couple’s podcast. If you like the content of this show, you’ll love Matthew’s upcoming book, kick husband, winning at life marriage insects to receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate this show and leave a review and apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune in to listen, then email a screenshot of your review at podcast kick as couples, podcast.com and we’ll get it over to you right until
Matthew: (21:56)
Next time. Remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.