TRANSCRIPT
Matthew (00:02):
Welcome to the kick-ass couples podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who want to level up their marriage experience, newfound, clarity, hope, and confidence. We’re Matthew and Kim cohosts and husband and wife
Kim (00:16):
In 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty, and wonderful world of marriage.
Matthew (00:28):
We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you grow and strengthen your relationship.
Kim (00:43):
And now let’s dive in to today’s episode. Welcome to kick couples podcast, episode three, Matthew Hoffman.
Matthew (00:52):
They looked at each other and said, our relationship stinks or something going on there. I’m not a jealous guy, plates being broken and things being thrown and storming out of the house. She’d immediately start seeking the commonality and not the differences
Kim (01:05):
We’ll get started right after this message. If you want to learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, invite you to pre-order Matthew’s new book, kick husband, winning at life, marriage, and sex. You can get it@matthewehoffman.com. Again, that’s offman.com. And now back to the show, Matthew Hoffman, we’re so excited to have you here today on our kick couples podcast. Um, now I get to put you in the hot seat, just getting a
Matthew (01:40):
Little warm over here
Kim (01:41):
Right now. I’m excited because while we both have this kick-ass relationship, we definitely came from different families of origin and different backgrounds. And I think it’s important to know, and to understand that in a relationship. So I’m going to ask you a few questions today, just about your family of origin and your background. What, what, what love looked like in your family when you were growing up? So I guess that leads me into my first question is what did it look like? How was it, what was it like growing up in your family as a little boy? And then maybe as you got a little bit older. Sure. How did that?
Matthew (02:31):
Well, I was the baby, first of all. So we each, you and I each had three kids in our family. You were the old wise Sage, like the first one, your parents, you broke your parents in, but I was the baby. I had two older sisters still do the boy. And the first I was the first male grandchild on my mom’s side of the family. So a lot, a lot of anticipation of the first boy, I think for my, my grandfather was kind of sad, but grandpa, uh, pain, I never met him, but he said to my mom, I want to hold my first grandson. And I think two weeks after I was born, you had a heart attack and passed away. So it was kinda, kinda sad. So I was a spoil a little bit. My sisters say they broke our parents in and I had the easy life.
Matthew (03:18):
Right. But, uh, love growing up. My mom was a real nurturer, very sweet and tender incredibly well-educated and you, but also authoritarian. So she was tender, loving, sweet, but not a pushover, not syrupy sweet, but uh, kind of certainly the matriarch in the family. Right. And, uh, but, but probably where I get my sense of touch because always hugging and kissing and Hey, come sit on my lap. My dad is also very intelligent. Man worked incredibly hard. My mom worked full-time in the home, so she was always a presence there for us kids. That was her pride and joy for sure. Uh, my dad worked a lot outside the home. I remember many Saturdays, him not being home or going to the office and playing at his office on Saturday. That was a treat. Uh, he expressed love certainly and loved, uh, us kids, um, you know, differently than my mom.
Matthew (04:16):
Uh, not necessarily as oriented to physical touch, I think as she was. So I felt loved certainly. Um, my two sisters, my oldest sister, Melissa, uh, was a holy terror, certainly loved to, uh, beat me up and uh, run rough shot over me. So I had to, uh, took me awhile to get big enough and brave enough to, uh, stand up to her Libby. My middle sister was kind of the, uh, the perfect child growing up great grades and you know, kind of the, uh, the angel for mom and dad. So, uh, and she and I are still close today as well. And we have a great relationship. So I definitely, definitely felt loved, nurtured and cared for.
Kim (05:00):
I had the privilege of meeting your mom one time. And that was when we first started dating. We all went out and had an evening together, a very memorable evening together. And she passed away. I think not, not long after that, maybe a month. It was, yeah,
Matthew (05:19):
You met her. It was December. We were at a dinner theater. We saw performance of guys and dolls and we had an Italian theme. Dinner, went down, saw the show, came back up for dessert and some dancing. And, uh, that was, I think the first and only time you all met, we had just started dating at that point. And then she passed away in February. So,
Kim (05:38):
Uh, the thing that stands out to me the most about her is just her presence. She just had this warm, loving, calm presence. And I really enjoyed spending that evening with her and was really saddened. And obviously later in life now saddened that our children didn’t have the privilege of having her as a grandmother, but I’ve heard things about her over the years. Just what an incredible human being she, she is and how really loving and supportive and wise. And I think just when, when you’re speaking to her, she, you would feel like you were the only one in the room. She would just stop everything she was doing and you would feel so important. And again, just that you were being seen in her.
Matthew (06:37):
Yeah, she was really good at that. She spoke very eloquently and she, um, also my mom was, was a great speaker and she did a fantastic job of presenting her ideas and her thoughts. And also really, as you said, making sure that you felt like you’re the most important person there. A lot of times say you might be having a conversation with somebody and somebody might join and the person looks through you over you or by you and my mom, uh, never did that. And, uh, I’ll never forget that. Yeah.
Kim (07:11):
So it sounds like you grew up in a, in a, a pretty loving, supportive household. Your mom was home full time with you and your siblings. What did, tell me a little bit about the three fees. We’ve, we’ve talked about those before commitment, communication and conflict resolution. And I’m curious, how did your parents demonstrate those things? How did, how did they demonstrate commitment to each other? How did that look for you?
Matthew (07:44):
Sure. Well, I think probably similar to your parents, similar era minor, or a little older than yours, but kind of that traditional relationship. I think my mom was certainly the lead nurturer because she was home with the kids all the time. Uh, I think, uh, having a family meal was really important to my mom. It was breakfast, lunch or dinner. I can remember, you know, most days it was scrambled eggs and bacon and toast, or it wasn’t just, Hey, I mean, we had cereal and stuff like that too, but I think she wanted to make sure that we had not just nourishment, but also that we had those family meals together almost every Sunday afternoon. It was the big after church. It was the big roast, right. And the mashed potatoes and, you know, and then she took the night off because she made such a big meal for Sunday supper or Sunday brunch early in the day.
Matthew (08:35):
So I think my mom demonstrated it by, uh, supplying and providing just an incredible home. She had a great flare for interior design and decorating and, uh, she dressed well. She was a great cook and so a good entertainer, whether we had friends or family over my did a fantastic job of making people feel comfortable, but also being a wonderful host and giving that gift. I think I definitely got that from her about really making someone feel special in the meal. And I think that my dad really, uh, was, you know, traditionally he, he was the hunter gatherer. He was the one that provided for our family and worked really hard to do that. I think he loved it also. I think that was his juice, so to speak. That’s where he got his, uh, a lot of fulfillment for him through his job and his career.
Matthew (09:30):
Um, I think that they were committed to the relationship and committed to the kids. And there was, there was, I wouldn’t say there was some, there was love express between the two of them, but I wouldn’t say it was a full gent or, or overflowing all the time. It was the arm and the pack and the kiss, but I wouldn’t say it was, uh, overtly displayed often. I knew it was there and I knew they cared for each other. But I think as I got older, I began to question or be concerned about that a little bit. And my parents were married for 26 years and then got divorced. They got divorced when I was, or the, or separated, I should say when I was a freshman in college. I remember one of them, I don’t know who told me when I went to college, their first meal was just the two of them. They looked at each other and said, Hey, the kids are gone and it’s just you and me and our relationship stinks. And so I think I, yeah, I remember hearing that from one of them. I don’t know who, and then it kind of, they got separated and after 26 years of marriage, they were, they were divorced. So
Kim (10:40):
That’s tough. I’m sure that was tough on you and your, and your siblings at the time, especially you being maybe a little bit younger and just having gone off to college.
Matthew (10:50):
Yeah. And they both said, Hey, we’re not going to put you in the middle of this, you know, but that, uh, not only lasts, that’s not what happened, unfortunately. So yeah, that was, that was tough. And, um, and,
Kim (11:01):
Um, communication, I’m curious a little bit about, you know, we talked a little bit about their commitment to each other, but how did they communicate with each other? What was that like for you growing up, watching them the way that they, they spoke to each other and treated each other?
Matthew (11:17):
Sure. I think a lot of it was tender and sweet. Uh, not always, you know, I think we probably tend to remember things that are exaggerated, you know, highs and lows. Right. I remember good things. And, um, I also probably remember more, there were some shouting in arguments and, uh, you know, plates being broken and things being thrown and storming out of the house. And I remember witnessing a few of those things. So there, there was certainly some volatile times, you know, as a young kid, you don’t really know what’s going on and you see that expressed and you kind of go, wow. You know, is that, is that what an argument looks like? And, you know, they must be mad at each other. So probably remember those things more greatly in a, in a larger way, larger than life. But I think that, uh, communication was good.
Matthew (12:06):
Wasn’t always calm. There were some screaming and yelling and I think probably they each had, I would rationalize and say, I think they each had their frustrations, whether it was with each other or life or themselves. And I think that came through in their communications. So I think there’s probably some issues that weren’t addressed that just made communication more difficult. And, um, you know, and I think as I, as I got a little older, I think trust led to some of that lack of trust led to some difficult, made communication, more difficult because the commitment and trust maybe wasn’t there. So I think the strain then came out in that, in the communication they had,
Kim (12:50):
Of course we’ve talked about before, how important it is to have first the commitment, because if the commitment isn’t there, if the number one thing is not there, then how can you communicate well and how can you resolve resolve conflict if you’re not committed to each other?
Matthew (13:07):
Yeah. And it’s funny because I don’t really have, my sisters may have some because they were older, maybe a little bit more mature and informed, but I don’t have a lot of knowledge. I couldn’t tell you, I have ideas of maybe what some of the difficulties were. I certainly don’t know the specifics. So, and it’s also, gosh, you know, 40 years ago, 35 years ago. So it’s hard to be clear on just what those issues were, but I certainly knew that through the trust and the commitment and the communication that there were, you know, some, some issues for sure.
Kim (13:40):
So when they have, when they would have these blow ups or there would be arguments and yelling, were you able to witness how they resolve their conflict? Did you ever experience conflict resolution through sort of their, their lens,
Matthew (13:59):
You know, hard to say? I would say probably not completely. I think the conflict resolution, when I think of conflict resolution, I kind of think of three different things. You and I have talked about this, I think as a couple, you’re either leaning in which means I’m getting close to you. I want to understand and be inside your space and relate to you, right. Or I’m leaning away. I, I, I’m turning the other way I’m ignoring or closing out. Right. I don’t want to be close. I don’t want to talk, or I’m leaning against meaning. I’m preparing to do battle. Right. And I’m going to resist anything that comes from that person. And I, unfortunately I saw a lot of, uh, leaning away, meaning I’m just not going to talk to you right. Or blow up. I heard the, you know, the fireworks and the screaming.
Matthew (14:48):
And I didn’t see a lot of resolution. I saw probably more conflict, more leaning against and more leaning away. And there were occasional times, but I, I, I have a, probably a more difficult time remembering the resolution because I think a lot of things just went unresolved. And I think as you know, gosh, if things don’t get resolved, how long can you stay in that space? It’s not happy place for either of them. And I think that, unfortunately, for whatever reason, things just didn’t get resolved. And so there was a break with, and that’s one of the dangers in any relationship, if you can’t resolve the things that are causing the conflict are causing you to lean against or lean away from somebody. There’s not that sweet, tender leaning in where you’re just giving up and surrendering and w you know, loving it out, so to speak.
Kim (15:37):
And it just feels like it sort of drives a wedge in between you and your, and your partner or your spouse. Yeah. Yeah. So how did, how did all of this form, your opinion about the three CS, about your parents’ relationship? Talk to me a little bit about that.
Matthew (15:59):
I think we, I think everybody learns either. I think probably in every relationship, right. You and I can look at both of our parents and we say, gosh, I want to do what they did because it worked well. And I loved what they had, or you say, oh my gosh. I mean, I know our kids say this about us, right? They say never going to do that that way, because it drives me nuts when mom and dad did X, Y, and Z. So I think that I definitely came to our relationship with both of those viewpoints, um, trust and, and, uh, commitment was huge to me. And I could see some, you know, there was some lack of trust and commitment and their relationship. And that really was the tripping point, the stumbling block for a lot of the difficulties that came later in that relationship as they would in any. So I knew I wanted to make sure that that commitment and trust level was high with me. And that’s true, not just in my relationship with you, my, my partner and my, my wife, but with anybody. And, um, it’s, it’s difficult for me to move forward with anybody in an intimate or meaningful way if I don’t feel that sense of trust and commitment. And, uh, you know, that I’m number one at that moment in that time. And I have faith and confidence in that.
Kim (17:16):
What a backup just a little bit, and ask you when things were good between your mom and dad and you were younger. Tell me a little bit about what that looked like. What did your dad do for your mom that showed his love that showed his commitment? What did you see?
Matthew (17:34):
Sure. I saw my dad. He had some level of business success. I know he took a lot of great delight in, uh, getting some special gifts from my mom, whether it was custom jewelry or a car that she maybe wanted. And I remember Christmas it’s seen, and I probably probably didn’t happen every year. Very member of him working with a jewelry designer and having two or three custom things made for her were that were unique and different. They weren’t bought off the rack. They weren’t what everybody else was wearing, but they were high quality and, you know, designed just for her. And you, you have some of those pieces today. My sisters do. And so I think he took great delight by being able to do that through some of he worked hard for the business and the success, and he had the resources that he could do some special things for her, whether it was, uh, jewelry or gifts, uh, traveling together.
Matthew (18:28):
One thing I’ll never forget that I hope that you and I get to do is we become empty. Nesters is my parents would have friends over and entertain. They’d have like retreats and they’d have two or three or four couples come into the home and they’d have someone come have disco, dancing lessons, they’d have a tennis tournament. They would do a contest and a treasure hunt, and some things that w w we’ve done in our experience. And they, they really worked hard at creating these memorable times and experiences with other people that, you know, build relationships and last a lifetime. And I think that you and I have, uh, brought that forward. And that’s important to me. I think, you know, I love food and I’m a chef and you have to eat. Everybody has to eat, but I love creating those experiences that people can share together over a meal that take the mundane and just really make it special
Kim (19:17):
That they could do that for themselves, for each other and for their friends as well. And I would say you are definitely a chip off the old block in terms of loving to cook for your friends and providing those same experiences for, for family as well as friends. So you get that, honestly, that’s for sure
Matthew (19:39):
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Kim (20:17):
A little bit about what commitment looked like to you when we first got married. I’m sure it’s probably changed over time, but when you came to this marriage, what were your expectations of commitment and where were you with commitment to, to me and to us?
Matthew (20:40):
Sure. And that’s a great question. Well, I think that I felt that commitment meant that you were on me. Not that you wouldn’t look at or talk to other men, I’m not a jealous guy, like thinking that if she’s talking to somebody that there’s sparks flying or there’s something going on there, but I wanted, I wanted is important for me to know that you were only looking at me that way and nobody else so that you, not, that you only had eyes for me, maybe that’s a, an old fashioned way of kind of saying that, but that you only looked with those eyes at me, not, not at anybody else. And I think that you’ve demonstrated that over time. And I think for me as well, I think I never, uh, understood and probably struggled with a little bit, uh, it was my first marriage and my first really I’d had other serious relationships, but probably nobody that I thought for a very long time could end up in, in marriage.
Matthew (21:42):
So I didn’t have a lot of serious relationships because I think I kind of, when I started dating somebody, I would say, well, do they have the potential, not, could I marry them today, but if they didn’t have the potential, I stopped dating them. And, uh, you know, just because I could didn’t mean I should or wanted to. So I really, um, wanted to make sure that there was faithfulness in the relationship and that I wouldn’t have to worry about there being competition or having to keep you from wanting to be with somebody else. So I think that weighed heavily on me, just because some of my background and experience. What about,
Kim (22:20):
What do you, what do you feel like that that looks like, what does commitment look like to,
Matthew (22:26):
Oh man, I think that you personify in my experience what I would like commitment to be. I couldn’t, honestly, I can’t I’m I’m I think our relationship is so good and definitely kick, because I think that you do such a fantastic, fantastic job of making me feel loved, first of all, but that you’re committed to me and you’re thinking about me and selfless, right? It’s fun to do things together that are fun for both of us. And I think that you certainly have the focus of wanting to give some times where, Hey, I’m just doing this for you, or I know this is important to you. I know this is going to make you happy. Why don’t you do this? And lovingly not, Hey, I’m doing this for you, but you owe me or, Hey, I’m doing this for you, but when it’s my turn, you’re going to have to really pay me back in spades.
Matthew (23:13):
It’s not a, it’s not quid pro quo. And you that’s a feeling that way is great. But when you have a quid pro quo relationship, it’s almost feels dirty right? In business. When someone says, Hey, I did this for you. Now, you got to do it for me. You know, if they have to say that to get you to do it, it’s almost you feel dirty, right? Or like it’s not based on real commitment. And I don’t feel that way at all. So good commitment to me is, you know, is personified and in my relationship in my marriage and, uh, you know, just because I could didn’t mean I should or wanted to. So I really, um, wanted to make sure that there was faithfulness in the relationship and that I wouldn’t have to worry about there being competition or having to keep you from wanting to be with somebody else. So I think that weighed heavily on me, just because some of my background and experience.
Kim (24:13):
What about now? What do you, what do you feel like that that looks like? What does commitment look like to you today?
Matthew (24:19):
Oh, man, I think that you personify in my experience what I would like commitment to be. I couldn’t, honestly, I can’t I’m I’m I think our relationship is so good and definitely kick because I think that you do such a fantastic, fantastic job of making me feel loved, first of all, but that you’re committed to me and you’re thinking about me and selfless, right? It’s fun to do things together that are fun for both of us. And I think that you certainly have the focus of wanting to give some times where, Hey, I’m just doing this for you, or I know this is important to you. I know this is going to make you happy. Why don’t you do this? And lovingly not, Hey, I’m doing this for you, but you owe me or, Hey, I’m doing this for you. But when it’s my turn, you’re going to have to really pay me back in spades.
Matthew (25:06):
It’s it’s not quid pro quo. And that’s a feeling that way is great. But when you have a quid pro quo relationship, it’s almost feels dirty right? In business. When someone says, Hey, I did this for you. Now, you got to do it for me. You know, if they have to say that to get you to do it, it’s almost you feel dirty, right? Or like it’s not based on real commitment. And I don’t feel that way at all. So good commitment to me is, you know, is personified. And in my relationship in my marriage,
Kim (25:38):
I think we’ve done. We’ve grown a lot over the last half of our marriage. And I would say that, yeah, just not keeping track, just doing it because we love to do it, or we want to give, or we had this idea in the moment. And, uh, I think that’s, that’s what makes it even more special is that I know if I do something nice for you, you’re not going to expect to have to do something nice for me the next day. I don’t really care. I know that eventually that’s going to come back to me. So I think we’ve grown a lot in that respect. Yeah, I would agree. Talk to me a little bit about the, the, the pillars. We talked about the most important ones being the three CS, but we have all this, this whole other list that we haven’t even gotten to yet. And that we will definitely start going over with, with all of our listeners and diving deeper into each one of them. But outside of the three CS, what would you say is most important to you? What, what, what pillar is right at the top of the list for you and why?
Matthew (26:53):
Sure. Well, I I’d have to say something that’s important. Just how I live my life, his faith and moral code. And I think one of the most beautiful things about our relationship, the reason it works is because we both have a strong faith and commitment to God first, before each other. I think that, uh, you know, I, you may, you remember, I’ll tell a funny story. At one point I came across the concept. Somebody had an idea about I am third and I, and I believe that I put the little stickers all over the mirrors in our house. So when you looked in the mirror, you saw a sticker that says, I am third, because first it’s God, second, it’s your spouse then it’s you and everybody else, right? Or someone may say, it’s your kids then your community, your church. So I think that because you and I both strive to put that our heavenly father first, that we know that that’s where our priorities lie.
Matthew (27:46):
And then we look to each other and then our children, we learned early on after having our first child, that our children are welcome additions to the home, not the center of the family, but a part of the family. So we’re not kids centric, but we love our kids immensely and do a lot for them. But that faith and moral code is the foundation of who I am. So if you love me, then you love that about me, I think. And if you know me, you know, that I’m a faithful spiritual guy. And I said this earlier, but I had feet of clay. And, uh, you know, I make mistakes every day. I’m not perfect. And I, I learn everyday. I grow every day and I think that’s part of the adventure. And I really try to commit my morning hours to that prayer and meditation and study time so that I can start my way in a faithful start my day in a faithful way, excuse me. And, uh, and getting close to God as part of that.
Kim (28:43):
And you’re so faithful to that routine, to that daily rhythm. I have to say, I’ve always admired that about you. Um, tell me what, how, how do we do that? Well, tell me how, tell me how we, we do do that well in the, in, in the certain area,
Matthew (29:00):
I think, I think a great way that you and I do that well in our relationship is for faith and moral code is that we’re both Christian and we both are different denominations, but we’ve been able to distill successfully what the commonality is of our faith. And that’s what we focus on. I mean, we’ve had talks and ecumenical and, uh, theological discussions about what scripture means or doesn’t mean or what this idea is, or God and Jesus and all those kinds of things, but it hasn’t hung us up. And we don’t split hairs. It’s one of those 69% that we’re not going to change about each other, but it doesn’t get in our way. I think it really enriches us because we have the trust. We have the commitment, we have the faith and the, in that moral code that ties us together.
Kim (29:47):
Absolutely. So as far as our relationship goes, our, our, our marriage, what, what would you say has been been your biggest challenge or even our biggest challenge and how have we overcome that challenge?
Matthew (30:03):
I think for a while, I think all of our commitments, you know, it’s a slow fade. We’ve talked about that a lot in relationships. And I think it was nothing that happened overnight. It wasn’t like there was, there was not a cataclysmic event, uh, where, uh, I mean we’ve had ups and downs and arguments and things. We’ve had to work on no doubt and some big ones, for sure. But I think that it’s a slow fade and I think the apathy of us getting so wrapped up in other things, not our relationship kind of got in the way. So I think the challenge is to invest and keep it fresh and make sure that we are each other’s number one, no matter what more important this is the most human relationship we have and any good investment you have to give care and feeding to.
Matthew (30:51):
And if we want it to be fulfilling and rewarding, it requires work and work when you don’t feel like it. And I think the biggest challenge that you and I have overcome, I think, or at least from my perspective, is that we realize that we can’t change each other into what we want the other one to be, but we have to love and find the joy and the beauty in what we each are now and magnify that and lovingly support it. Because if I, if I commit to doing it for you, then it’s fair and it’s natural for you to do it to me as well. And so we can respect those differences and, and not, uh, bad mouth each other and say, oh my gosh, my wife will never let go of this, but I can say, golly, she’s, she’s independent and strong in this. And I love it about her and I’m going to magnify it and, and express gratitude for it. Instead of, uh, wishing it was different or trying to make it into something else,
Kim (31:48):
We can either choose to build each other up or tear each other down is what I’m hearing you say. And we’ve learned how to appreciate the qualities and the differences have to learn how to appreciate the differences, because I think that’s why you fell in love in the first place. If we were both the same, that would be boring. What fun would that be?
Matthew (32:08):
I dunno, we compliment each other. Well, I think we, we each have strengths that compliment, and I know it’s hard, you know, you don’t wanna say weakness, it’s just maybe more developed in some areas. You know, I may be more developed in some, and you’re certainly developed in other areas. Uh, you, you are in so much better organized than I am and the way you approach something and, and, and I’m mentally organized, but maybe not physically. So it’s a good combination. And then I can help you maybe not sweat the details so much sometimes and relax about things that might be outwardly important, but inwardly are not. So that’s just a small example. I think of how we’ve been malleable and working in respecting each other. Yeah.
Kim (32:51):
Uh, definitely a trade off. So when you talk about your spiritual foundation and moral code, what do you wish you knew about that, that pillar, that particular pillar going into our marriage? What is it that you know now that you wish you would’ve known them?
Matthew (33:09):
I wish I would have known that I should immediately start seeking the commonality and not the differences because by finding the commonality, you can, you know, when you have converging circles, right? If you have two converging circles and there’s overlap, you can focus on what’s not together, or you can focus on the overlap. And I think it took me a while to understand, not to say that we shouldn’t have discussions, or why do you think this way, and by, by a quest to understand, to better understand, because then you appreciate better. But I think I wish I would have focused more early on of what we had in common instead of wondering, or thinking or hoping that you would think more like me on an issue. And, um, and I can see so many beautiful examples of that that have occurred in our relationship, in the loving and warming and welcoming of your church and your faith experience to me. And I think of mine to you. And I think that’s been not just because we’re both in great, uh, religious and spiritual, uh, situations, but because we’ve attracted those people to us and they’ve each benefited and helped us grow together as a couple.
Kim (34:24):
Cool, thank you for sharing that. I, I, it’s great to, to sort of get those insights from you on sort of what we thought then, and sort of where we are now with, with our thinking, how we’ve grown and matured and developed over the years. So I appreciate, I appreciate that. We talked a little bit about before in our, in our last podcast about the idea of spill over thinking, tell me a little bit about what you believe spillover thinking is and how it has worked in your life or applied to you.
Matthew (35:03):
Sure. Well, when I think about spillover thinking, if I had to kind of distill everything in our platform of kick-ass couples podcasts, the kick-ass couples nation, the book that I’ve got coming out, kick husband, that whole, all those ideas. And really what I did, what this book is about that I wrote is my philosophy that if my only focus or responsibility is to pour into you with love and support and affirmations and all the things that I know you need and all the things I think you need. And if all I do is look for opportunities to love you and magnify the good and glorify who you are as in to me and into other people, then I want to give you feel, you so much full of good that you can’t contain at all. And that good overflows, because if it does overflow, then everybody that you come into contact with is going to experience that love and that goodness.
Matthew (36:03):
And they’re going to say, oh my gosh, Kim, what? She’s just glowing. She’s happy. She’s always got so much to give, but if you are not fulfilled and overflowing and you don’t feel nurtured and wrapped in love, how can you, what, you’re not going to have a storehouse, right? Or you’re not going to have a deep well to give to everybody else in your life. And you’re not going to be full. You’re going to, you’re going to be protecting and holding onto because you’re going to say, man, I don’t have, I just don’t have enough to give. So, and, and it’s not about being a doormat. It’s not about giving, giving, giving, and killing yourself in service, but it’s about actively looking for every way that you can pour into an unconditionally love and fill somebody else’s tank somebody else’s emotional bank account is that I do that for you.
Matthew (36:53):
I know I trust because you’re committed to me in our relationship that you’re going to do that for me. And I’m going to get it back in spades and it’s going to feel it’s always better to get to the then receive for me, it is, I love giving a gift or planning something special for somebody. And so if I’m going to be successful in our relationship, I’ve got to do everything I can to pour into you. So you’re overflowing with love and goodness and trust and dedication and warmth and happiness. Because if you feel that way, then I just equipped you to do the same thing back for me.
Kim (37:30):
There is no doubt that you are a giver and you have a heart of service, and I’m so fortunate to be the recipient of a lot of that. So I’m grateful to you for that. Thank you so much for opening up to us today. And for letting us have a little glimpse of what your childhood was like, what it was like for you growing up, what you experienced as a child, through your parents, and sort of how they model their relationship. Because I really truly believe that, you know, there’s that old thing that grandpa’s in your bones. I think you’ve heard that before. We all have a little bit of our history and our past experiences in us. And we bring those to the relationship that we, that we come to, whether it’s a marriage or partnership, we bring, we bring all that with us and it does impact our relationships. So I think it’s really important for us to know that and to acknowledge that and to sometimes in some cases, unpack that when, when it has maybe impacted our relationship in a negative way. So thanks for sharing with us. You, you, you were so fortunate to have amazing parents. I’ve had the blessing of having your dad in our lives and being just this terrific grandfather and friend to me and to our children. So I’ve, I’ve, I’ve been able to reap the benefit of a lot of that. So grateful.
Matthew (39:19):
I am too. Thank you for treating me so lovingly in our time together today,
Kim (39:25):
That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the kick-ass couples podcast. If you liked the content of the show, you’ll love Matthew’s upcoming book, kick husband, winning at life marriage insects to receive a digital mini book of posts and images from the book. All you have to do is rate the show and leave a review in apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune in to listen. Then email us a screenshot of your review at podcast at kick-ass couples, podcast.com and we’ll get it over to you right away
Matthew (40:00):
Until next time. Remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.