How To Add The Secret Sauce Into Your Marriage – Episode 44: Nancy & George Hensley

should say 37 years cuz I’m not 55? Baby, I can’t I can’t drive 55 Nope. Oh, man.

01:56

Well, I just I enjoyed sitting down with them so much, because they have so much wisdom and a beautiful story, to share in terms of their relationship, where it’s been and where they are now. And I think that I’m just going to start off with saying This couple has a motto that everybody should have. It is it is something that they have carried on for generations, and even have this motto in scribed on their wedding rings. And

02:44

what is it? I mean, I love this such a cool takeaway.

02:49

It is it they have inscribed on their wedding rings, each for the other, both for God. And what that George said really means to them is that first, they want the very best for each other. So meaning he wants the absolute best for Nancy. And she feels the same way about him all under the framework of their faith, which is so foundational. Yeah. Yeah, huge. So I really appreciated them sharing that with us. And they’ve carried that theme out in their relationship for the past 60 years

03:42

they have and what’s so cool about what Kim was sharing that each for the other both for God, yes, it’s inscribed on their wedding rings. But his their parents did it and their grandparents did it. So this is the third, this thing has gone on for you know, I don’t know, if we add it all up. It’s over probably 100 and some odd years. Three and what a generational gift to give. And if you had I don’t know, you know, if we had a motto or a theme Kim, I mean, you know, Matthew 516, I say is kind of our family mission statement. You know, yes, let your light so shine among others, that people will glorify your father who’s in heaven. Right? In other words, and and that’s another another way of saying it, but I love I could adopt this as well. Because if we’re each for each other, that means man everything we do the litmus test for how we measure it is is it good for them? And is it good for us? If we just use that simple adage, that ruler for all the decisions the things we think say and do and you know, are we is it representing a power higher than us and is a good for them and good for me? So, so simple, but so powerful. And they came back to it and that kind of really talks about their commitment. I mean, it’s all about commitment, right? It comes back to that first see that we love have in our, in our, in our platform. And it’s one of the three C’s, and it’s the cornerstone for every relationship. And I think George kind of said, it goes back to I do, he goes, when I said I do in our wedding ceremony, he you know, that’s until death do us part. In other words, and I am going to be for her forever, as long as I can. And I’m going to make sure that we’re both for God. And so he wants what’s best for he looks out for her, you know, he kind of use the example he goes, Man, if she’s in there cooking a meal and slaving away, then I get to do the dishes. He doesn’t say I have to, he didn’t say I’m gonna or I guess I should or I oughta. It’s his privilege. He goes, Man,

she did something for me to give of herself, that’s going to nourish and feed and support and fill me up, then I get to do something for her. And that attitude. You know, one of the biggest surprises Kim, I had I we’ve shared this privately, and I’m going to share it for our listeners is you look at a couple that’s been 62 years married, growing up in the 40s and 50s. And you would make assumptions about what they’re going to be like, Oh, they’re probably going to be traditionalist. He works. She’s in the home, right. He’s in control. He said, you know, what the dad says goes, and she kowtows they couldn’t have been more different. And this couple, I think, why they’re been married as long as they have, and they’re so successful is because they are so progressive in their thought. And, and what’s so cool is this didn’t happen in the last five or 10 years. This happened from day one for them. You know, Nancy talked about studying and taking courses before they got married, learning how to be a good partner and a good spouse. And then having this commitment for each other is just so so beautiful. And and I love that they get it and they are so excited and loving and into each other. And their commitment is rock solid.

07:09

Definitely, I think that that was one of the things that really stood out to me is that they were willing to take these courses and to do things to really help and benefit their marriage early on, and just continue to demonstrate those things throughout the last 62 years. So they really took learning those things to heart and continued on with those throughout their marriage. And we know that anything that we can do to increase the way we communicate, and anything that we can do to benefit our relationship just goes such a long way.

07:53

Yeah, it does. And I think that one of the ways they did that, Kim, another one of my takeaways are just a tool, you know, you people ask if you want to know what something you can do to create that time that bond that investment together. And Nancy said right away, she goes, You know what we’ve got, she goes, I know, it’s not popular for a lot of people to have breakfast or have breakfast together. She goes, our ritual is we have breakfast together. We hold hands, we say a prayer, we pray together, we give thanks for everything we have. And they connect with each other. They get grounded. And they celebrate each other every day. So that breakfast ritual. So my question to you all our listeners is, what kind of rituals do you have with your number one? What things do you do all the time? Maybe it’s not every day, but what things do you do? Often, that give you that chance to come together to ground and show that appreciation? And she talked about she said, you know, it builds trust in their relationship because they feel like they can handle anything because they’re connected. They’re grounded. You know, I kind of pull it back into my faith tradition. I think you and I each have different routines that we do every day, right? Different things that we do, to start our days and ground ourselves. And that tradition allows us to be prepared to handle and weather the storms and they’ve done this in their relationship with that morning ritual for breakfast, having the coffee, having the meal, holding hands connecting physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I’m praying and I love that. So I think that’s really critical.

09:34

Oh my I love also that. George said this is an opportunity for me to also express gratitude and

to tell Nancy, I am grateful for you because and you know, he he just he throws it out there. And she said, when I hear that appreciation and gratitude expressed, I hold my head up My shoulders back. And I’m just so proud. And it feels so good. It just really gets me ready for the day. And I’m ready to just, you know, move forward and tackle anything that the day my brain. Yeah.

10:15

And that validation is so important. Kim, I think you even talked about it in the interview you said, you know, when a spouse validates the other one, it confirms it gives us safety, it gives us security, it makes us feel great and uplifted about the relationship. And one of the biggest tragedies in relationships is when couples don’t speak the good they see and experience with one another. They keep it to themselves. You know, it’s one thing to think about it, but you got to speak it, you got to express that gratitude for the other person over the little things and over the big things because it’s just giving you a chance to pour in right to lean in and pour in to your spouse.

10:55

Yeah. Well, I had another thing that I noted that really stood out to me. And that was when we talked about families of origin. George’s background in being raised in faith. His parents had different religions. But he was raised in a Christian home. His father, however, had been married once before. And in that previous marriage, his wife of only a very short amount of time, passed away during childbirth with his first child. So very early on, he lost a wife and child remarried. And then George was born, and his mom passed when he was 14. So here’s dad losing a second wife, right. And young kids, yep, has a young family and then remarries and was able to really keep moving forward in his life without being bitter, and without having resentment, and still having a very gentle and kind heart and raising his children. That to me, was a huge standout,

12:40

huge. And what’s so cool, Kim, you and I talked about a little bit when we were kind of doing our notes and checking out this first episode is take a step back generally, generationally and look at George’s father. Look at what his father demonstrated a Georgia of what manhood and looks like, what a legacy, what a legacy. So his dad gave that to George and George, learned how to model that unconditional love that prioritization that grace, that service. And George got a little teary, he kind of choked up and he goes, You know what? He goes, I looked at my dad lost these two women and then found this other one. And he said, When he found that third wife, he goes, I wanted to make darn well, sure she knew she was a part of this family. As a 14 or 15 year old, he wrote a letter to her and said, Welcome to our family. I’m glad you’re here because George said, I felt we were now complete because there was a woman in the house. My dad was happy. She expressed love to me, I was happy. And I wanted to make darn well, sure. So here he is, as a 14 or 15 year old modeling and demonstrating what he learned from his dad about grace, and love and prioritization and servant leadership. No wonder they’ve had such a wonderful marriage drop

13:57

that to his own family. He brought that to his relationship with Nancy. And then obviously their three daughters later on that gentle, kind, wonderful, spirit

14:13

loving and selfless. And I think that Nancy said, You know what, when she’s experienced that from George, she gave a great quote and I got to share it with you guys. She said, it gives you more space in your soul, to be kind and loving to other people. When people pour into you and lift you up. Giorgio Nancy both model that in their relationships so beautifully. And man, when you get that you feel like you’ve your batteries get charged up and you get to give more to other people. So great, great takeaway and such a perfect, beautiful modeling of what manhood and that unconditional love looks like.

14:50

Definitely. Fast forward a little bit to communication and conflict resolution. They gave such a cute story. I just really would love to share, you can go back and listen to this podcast, obviously in its entirety. But you know, they’re young, married, they’ve got a baby. And he’s still trying to figure out that balance of work, being able to play a little bit. And then obviously supporting Nancy at home and he shared a story, we went out to play like to play mini golf with this group of friends. And that was kind of his guys night out. And he goes out, and he plays many golf. And he comes back and Nancy’s sitting quietly folding diapers, and was obviously giving him a little bit of a cold shoulder, I think. And he realized that maybe that wasn’t such a great plan was to go out with the guys leave her home while she was, you know, probably cleaning up from dinner, and then sitting at home folding diapers. And so she was upset, and she threw a diaper at him. And then he threw the diaper back at her. And it just became this sort of playful, humorous moment of expressing anger, and then it turning into just a funny situation. But I love how they added humor to a point in time when there was conflict, and she wasn’t happy with how the evening had turned out. But, you know, this is how they sort of dealt with it. And it has become something that they’ve referred to later on in years, you know, all you know, want to get the diapers out when they’ve had conflict. So

16:50

make me throw a diaper at you. Exactly right. Great. A great way to cool each other off with that with that story. And, you know, and it’s there’s nothing wrong in a relationship everybody needs. And we talked about this. We’ve talked about this in other episodes, we’ve talked about this in the Vaden episode, you know, you got to understand what are the right mix of my time? Yeah, your time and our time. And George kind of talked about this situation, he goes, you know, he goes, I love golf, and I love to golf. And Nancy doesn’t like to do that. But you understand this important to him. So she gives it to him. But he said, You know, I got to know when it’s the right time for me to do those things. And guys and women, this doesn’t just apply to guys, but when you and your relationship are making something about you more important than something about us, that’s a problem because you don’t have your prioritization straight. And so if you’re and you know, that night, he was not really aware and the whole diaper

scenario, he wasn’t aware that, you know, the work was piling up. And she’s like, you know, I felt like Cinderella, I’m here home working, and he’s off having fun. So if you’re going to do something for yourself, and it is not good for the relationship, that means it’s not good for you to do for yourself and that you’re taking advantage and guys and women both, you know you have an emotional bank account in your relationship. You know, Stephen Covey uses that term. I love it, I ascribe to it. And if you are making too many withdrawals from that account, or you make a big withdrawal, you got to understand you got to fill it back up before you can make another withdrawal again. And when you’re doing something for yourself, and it’s taking too, too much out of your spouse, doesn’t mean it’s the right time in place for you to do it. You got to have that dance and that understanding.

18:35

And I think it all comes back to communication, which is let’s sit down and talk about what does Kim time look like? What does Matthew time look like? What does our family time look like? What does our work time look like? I think it’s really important to have those conversations and not just make assumptions about it because that’s what creates conflict later.

19:00

When it comes to creating a kick ass marriage. Do you ever wonder what you could be doing better? Have you ever thought how helpful would be to be a part of a like minded community of other imperfect couples who want to level up and their number one relationship? Come visit kick ass couples nation where you can talk with people just like you are looking for ways to invest in and increase their joy, commitment and fulfillment in their most important human relationship. You’ll have access to a team of licensed marriage therapist, coaches, articles, podcasts, live webinars and more. Just visit Matthew P hoffman.com. So you can learn more about a community that’s ready to help you level up that’s Matthew P Hoffman calm so you can become of the growing kick ass couples nation right now. Yeah, and I think communicate good communication can lead to less conflict and I think one of the my big takeaways Kim kind of pulling off that conflict resolution and getting back to the idea of communication, you got to have a willingness to listen, George said, you know, you can’t come to the relationship or to a discussion, or to communication with a chip on your shoulder. And it’s really about expectation, you can’t come and say, well, she’s gonna do this. She said this last time, she’s gonna say, at this time, or, she always or he always. So when you come to the relationship to that communication, you gotta have an expectation of goodness, and he got to be willing to lean in to listen, and good communication is more about listening than it is about talking. If you just can’t wait to get your thought out, I want to say what I have to say and say my piece, then that’s not going to be quality communication. So it’s really important to make sure that your expectation is one of love, of goodness, and of making sure you understand your spouse before, you know seek first, to understand before you seek to be understood, and I think that George and Nancy did that beautifully. No chip on the shoulder, genuine communication, a willingness to listen, and make sure that it’s not Oh, here we go again, but it’s having a positive and loving expectation from your spouse.

21:22

Now, one of the other things that I really appreciated in our conversation with them is that after

62 years of marriage, you know, George said, you have to keep romance in your marriage. Yeah. And that’s something that, you know, 10 years into marriage, a lot of us are not good at

21:44

Kim Kim talks about keeping the romance alive. And there’s a lot of little things. We’ve talked about it a lot with other people in other podcasts, and other people that we’ve had the pleasure of interviewing, but I loved when it comes down to your words, what are you saying? It comes about? What are you doing? And George said, you know, I say, Hey, how about a little dry? He said, How about a little drive by kiss, you know, and so he he’ll be he’ll be playful with her with Nancy. And he was now you got to make sure it’s a proper kiss, because a proper kiss or a kiss. And Nancy goes, we call that a smooch, I think is holding it and making sure that you’re enjoying it. And you guys have heard me say the seven second kiss. So if you haven’t had a seven second kiss with your spouse lately, I just want to say, make sure you’re giving your spouse that proper kiss. It’s a smooch, like Giorgio Nancy said, and that you’re holding it for seven seconds and really leaning in and you’ll just you know, go try it. Try it a lot. In fact, I would encourage you go for those drive by kisses. Every now and then. And so much to learn from these guys of 62 years of marriage going strong and keeping it fresh, loved our time with them. They were so dear and so endearing. And I only hope since you and I are going to be married for 75 is my goal. So we want to make it 13 years longer than they did. So that means we’re put pushing past marriage after 100 years of of being together was 103. For me married 75 years, Kim, we’re gonna make it to 103 year birthdays. Okay, let’s go. Let’s go. So, Kim, where can people go if they if they want to learn how to have a marriage and work towards 62 years of marriage? What can people do to get there,

23:25

all you need to do is go to Matthew P hoffman.com. Where you can become a member of kick ass couples nation. You can also find Matthews book kick ass husband. And you can learn more about this podcasts and find other episodes of some terrific interviews that we’ve had. So go to Matthew P hoffman.com. To learn more about kick ass couples nation

23:55

will look forward to seeing you next time. Make sure you give us reviews like us love us, share it with your friends. And we’ll see you next time and remember what they remember Kim

24:05

happily ever after does not just happen. It’s on purpose. That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the kick ass couples podcast. If you like the content of the show, the love math, newly released book, kick ass husband winning at life, marriage and sex. To receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate this show and leave a review on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune into. Then email us a screenshot of your review at podcast at kick ass couples podcast.com and we’ll get it over to you right away. Until next time, remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.