TRANSCRIPT
Jason Robustelli and Elyse Archer Episode 49
Sat, 4/9 7:13PM • 44:23
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
relationship, couples, jason, podcast, hear, talking, grow, learn, communication, elise, marriage, coaching, life, communicate, love, pillar, little bit, business, conversation, kick
SPEAKERS
Kimberly Hoffman, Matthew Hoffman, Elyse Archer, Jason Robustelli
Matthew Hoffman 00:02
Welcome to the kick ass couples podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who wants to level up their marriage experience newfound clarity, hope and confidence. We’re Matthew and Ken, co hosts and husband and wife
Kimberly Hoffman 00:16
in 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty and wonderful world of marriage.
Matthew Hoffman 00:28
We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you grow and strengthen your relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:43
We’ll get started right after this message. If you want to learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to order Matthew’s new book, kick ass husband, winning at life, Derek and set you can get it@amazon.com or visit Matthews website. www dot Matthew hoffman.com. Again, that’s amazon.com or www dot Matthew P Hoffman hoffman.com. And now back to the show.
Matthew Hoffman 01:18
We are so excited on the kick ass couples podcast today to welcome Jason robustelli and Elise Archer. Elise. This is a special day for us. It’s almost like a homecoming because you are you help birth, that kick ass couples podcast and I was telling my wife today it’s kind of like you’re the midwife. We’re coaching and screaming, you can do it. Yes, you can do it. This has special meaning for us. Because even though we’re this is going to be episode 40 something on our podcast, you really helped us get this going. So we’re so glad to have you and your partner right there. There’s a smiling tech guru who helped us get going today. So welcome to the kick ass couples podcast.
Elyse Archer 02:01
We’re so happy to be here. We’re we’re very, it’s so cool to see what you guys have done in a very short amount of time and to see the birthing of the podcast. And it’s amazing. So we’re thrilled to be here.
Matthew Hoffman 02:12
Thank you. Well, we like to start off every podcast kind of with the same question. And Jason, I’m gonna actually ask you to go first if you don’t, not mine, Kim and I would love to know what makes you a kick ass couple.
Jason Robustelli 02:27
Good thing, I had some coffee this morning. So I think the defining figure in our relationship is the way we communicate and problem solved between the two of us. A lot of what we do day to day, week to week, all year, is really dependent a lot on our communication style. There’s not there’s no yelling, there is frustration sometimes, but there’s no yelling, it’s clear communication, eye contact. It is clarification of points that may have come across not so great. And me saying weird things. So it’s a lot of that stuff that I really believe, you know, a lot of things wouldn’t be possible and noticing when each other is really getting frustrated or flustered or need some help. We’re definitely working on that right now. But a lot of that stuff helps everything go smoother. Because you know, payments aren’t missed on like day to day credit cards or bills or something. It’s like, you know, all that stuff is taking care of our child 18 months is being taken care of, you know, we’re handing off and when she needs to work, she clearly defines when she needs to do things. And when I need to do things, I have a clear definition of what needs to happen. So yeah. And then what you achieve is really up to kind of, you know, in a broad in a kind of a broad sense, because I can’t be in here like massaging your shoulders being like you can you can do this coaching honey, you just you just get it all day, you know, I’m not the one doing that. She’s the one running her business and doing all of her stuff and me being in health care. She’s not going to be standing behind me and being like you, you can do CPR really good. It’s okay. So it’s a lot of those just intersections where our lives cross and then keeping the romance which is which is a whole other podcast. I filled
Matthew Hoffman 04:35
out a little bit today a little later. But that’s great. So it sounds like what I heard you say is what’s at the heart of your success is the quality communication because you’re doing the things that make the connections that allow you to handle and face things together. And I love that least how about you? What would you say about what makes you a kick ass couple?
Elyse Archer 04:56
I love the question and I would second everything you said babe. I think the thing I would add is just, we’re both avid about doing the inner work, like we’re both very conscious of that, and I think we’re conscious of in each other, we’re gonna mirror to each other parts of us that need to be healed. So we’re both serious about inner child work, we’re both like, we’re willing to take ownership, you’ve taught me a lot about taking ownership and accountability. And that’s been really powerful. But we’re both aware when there’s a trigger, like what it is, and that it’s usually something from childhood that the other one is mirroring back to us. So we take responsibility to be like, that’s actually not about you, that’s about something with my dad or something with my mom, and we can say, okay, like, let’s work, I’m gonna go work on healing this part of me. And we work through it together, so, or,
Jason Robustelli 05:45
we have the wisdom to be like, get out of the house, take a walk somewhere. And she’s done that to me often, because I do my best thinking when I’m walking around the woods, because I grew up in Maine. So that’s, that’s definitely a wooded area. And then a lot, I would like to add a lot of self awareness. Because if you’re not being self aware of how you’re coming across, that’s a big problem. Because then, you know, I initially I was very, very forward and clear cut about what I was saying. And that could be very cutting and kind of abrasive. So I’ve had to soften my language significantly over the last couple of the last several years, a 10 years, to really make it come across effectively.
Kimberly Hoffman 06:37
That’s a great segue into our next question, which is, I believe we are a product of the people who raised us. And so I’d love to hear a little bit from you, Elise, on what love looked like in your family, when you were growing up? A little bit about your history, and what your parents may be displayed to you.
Elyse Archer 06:58
Wow, yeah, gosh, well, I will say, I know both of you know, both of my parents, like they loved us very much. And they had very different styles to grow. So my mom was very communicative about it very, like she did everything she knew to help me and my sister know, that we were loved. And I’ve close relationships with both my parents to this day. So I’ll say all with that my my dad wasn’t quite as communicative. And so he was always there. But it just wasn’t his way of showing affection to like speak words of affirmation. And that’s something that I think is really important to me. So we’ve had to consciously I’ve had to take ownership of that is important to me, and I had to learn to communicate that to you and you, Jason listens, and incorporates that into how he speaks to me that I think, yeah, there’s a lot that we’ve learned from how we were, how we experience love growing up in parts of it that I love, and that I want to incorporate in what we’re doing. And then parts of it too, that I say, you know, we want to do it a little differently. Moving forward. Great.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:02
How about you, Jason, we have a lot of grandpa in our bones. So tell me a little bit about what love look like in your family when you were growing up.
Jason Robustelli 08:12
I think I don’t think I’ve ever didn’t know that I was loved. There was a lot of that language, you know, saying good night, I love you all that stuff. I think there’s a difference. And I’m diving into this, as you know, with my coach pretty soon here, about a measure of intimacy. For me, it was this level of intimacy that was a little bit different. And I think in when I talked to my coach about this, he kind of laughed, he’s like, Oh, you’re not alone in that. Because you know, I’m working and having a child really puts up a giant mirror and really helps you reflect on different things. But with him, I’m making a conscious effort to like, give him hugs and tell them I love them and then explain what’s on my mind. Because intimacy to me is more about like sharing emotionally, where you’re at not necessarily dumping all your stuff on each other and being like, Oh man, I’m so stressed out about school and job and to all these, you know, taxes or anything else that could cause stress in your life and talking about that incessantly. It’s more about the like, emotional communication like yeah, I feel that way too. I really enjoy this. This is wonderful. I love you, you know, all that kind of stuff and putting pulling love and intimacy together because a lot of I felt like I didn’t, I have a close relationship with my parents as well and I love them to death. But a lot of that was kind of left out. You know, the love and the physical affection was there, but the intimate part of sharing feelings of like, um, you know, this is frustrating to me, so just give me a second or really diving into the emotional aspect of who my parents were was, was a hard, hard place for me. And I’ve, I’m learning a lot about that right now in my life. So
Kimberly Hoffman 10:10
I think so much of that has to do with vulnerability, just being able to speak it right? If you don’t grow up, and it’s not comfortable to you, it’s really hard to bring that to your next relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 10:21
Yeah, that’s great, what kind of runs right into so we have three C’s that we talk about, there are three of the main pillars in our in our platform. And those three C’s are commitment, communication, and conflict resolution, we want to jump right into commitment. And so I’d love to know at least I’ll ask you to answer this first. What does commitment look like in your relationship with Jason?
Jason Robustelli 10:42
Oh, wow. That’s a good one. Yeah, I would say I mean, one of the things that I love about Jason, and it’s different from my background is he comes from a family where his parents are still together. And I come from a family of divorced parents, and I did have a divorce before I met Jason. So it’s kind of like, there’s been a difference in our backgrounds, with how we were raised with marriage and what it is, and I think one of the things that I love about you that you said in some way, or Formerly it was like, this, is it, like, where would you with marriage, it should be, but I didn’t have that conditioning in that background, per se. So when we got together, it was like, like, no matter what, like, the D word is not an option in our vocabulary, like we’re not, we’re not going there. And so to me, when you say that, and it’s like, no, we’re gonna grow together this like, no matter what. I’ve learned that it’s always about fighting for the relationship and knowing that kind of my conditioning, and my background was if something gets hard, you like, make the other person wrong for it, or you walk out. And that’s not. That’s, that’s not how we roll in this relationship. So to me, the commitment is, like, we’re fighting for each other, we’re fighting for the relationship. And we, if we need to step out for a minute and take a walk, or do whatever we do, but we always come back together and talk about what, like, what’s really going on deep down, and how we can use it to grow more together,
Kimberly Hoffman 12:12
what I love hearing you say is that there’s no Plan B, we are in this, no matter what we’re gonna resolve, we’re gonna you know, if we have to take a break and take a breath, and maybe just self regulate a little bit, but we’re going to come back together, and we’re going to make this work.
Matthew Hoffman 12:30
That’s great. And it sounds like it’s a new skill for you to learn. It wasn’t modeled for you growing up what I heard you say, and you came with it based on your own personal experience, like, I gotta learn something new here, right, and what this is gonna be. And it’s great that you have that together. And so Jason, how about you? How does? How does What does commitment look like for you in your relationship with Elise,
Jason Robustelli 12:51
it’s definitely changed over since we got married to now. It’s like, every five years, you got to check back in and be like, Hey, who are we now and what’s going on? Because we were out when I was 28, you’re 3132 We got married. Now I’m 33. That’s a and we have a child. And I’ve gone through leadership and you know, different training and work. And now I’m in school from for med school. So now she’s a CEO of her own business, very successful one. So it’s like, the people that we were are no longer the people that we are, have to now kind of look at where we’re at and be like, wait a minute, do I still enjoy this? Do I Do I still want to, and I’m not talking about the relationship I’m talking about, like things that we do. And, you know, the ways that we interact with each other because she’s definitely done a lot of inner work on herself. And, you know, 2020 21, and we’re two really rough years in healthcare, which deeply affected me on the professional level. Which kind of sent me in a weird Tailspin that I came out of when 2022 hit. I don’t know what happened. Maybe it had something to do with Joe Dispenza. His event was a little plug for him. But it woke me up and made me realize that I’m in a spot or I don’t know what to do. The first five years were kind of like, okay, we can navigate this and, you know, work through these problems. But now we’re at this level where it’s like, hold up where new people, we’re in a new position. We need to reassess ourselves and where our relationships at. And then the exciting part is that you get to recreate your relationship. So it kind of feels to me now. Like we’re dating again, and we’re getting to know each other again, because our conversations are somewhat the same, but they’re also they’re also changing and morphing as we go. And in order to help each other we have to grow. The problem is if you don’t grow like I wasn’t last year, I was just head to the books, and getting myself really stressed out, that wasn’t a good place to be. And we both realized it because we, we were going, she was going up, I was going down, we kind of met at some point. And that that little uptown situation isn’t isn’t a good spot for a couple to be because you both, you know, it’s okay to take a dip every once in a while because the other one can help. She really gave it to me the other day.
Elyse Archer 15:47
Love was the most love and my heart
Matthew Hoffman 15:51
was care Fantasia, right?
Jason Robustelli 15:54
Yes. And I was and I recognized that I was in a pity party mode. And I said to myself, after that conversation, you need to pick yourself up and just take a deep breath, take ownership that you were in a little bit of a pity mood, and move forward. Because this isn’t helpful. This isn’t good. Like, let’s let’s work on ourselves. Let’s you know, let’s go exercise. Let’s meditate. Let’s you know what, let’s take care of ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, all that stuff. So we can show up as the best version. Because if you don’t, then you know, your head isn’t a different area. Sure. And then it’s a whole, it’s a whole different challenge.
Kimberly Hoffman 16:38
What I hear you saying is that you are willing to accept her influence. And that’s really huge in a relationship. That’s a game changer. And you are willing to take a step back and say, You know what, you’re right, I hear you. And I need to make some changes. So I love hearing that I’m sure that our listeners can really relate to that same situation.
Matthew Hoffman 16:59
Yeah, you’re not always in the same spots. And that’s kind of the regulation. And also, I heard you both say you’ve evolved, not out of out of each other, but you’re keeping up with and keeping the pulse on, what do you have to do to better support each other. Now, new circumstance, there’s a child, there’s two careers, there’s moves, there’s all those different things are coming in. And that kind of leads to our next pillar.
Kimberly Hoffman 17:22
Our second pillar of our three C’s is communication. And Jason, you touched on that right at the very beginning on what makes you a kick ass couple. So I want to ask you a little bit more about how you communicate with each other. You guys are both busy. You’re in med school. She is She owns her own company. I know you have a toddler at home. You know, how do you find the time do you make the time? Do you create the time? What does communication look like in your relationship?
Jason Robustelli 17:53
This is communication right now. I last year, we were like two ships, just crossing paths. And we would communicate and wave little flags as we went by to let the other know what was going on. But the surface level stuff doesn’t work long term. And if we’re just talking about, you know, oh, how was your day? Oh, it was good. I had the child and he drew some stuff. Oh, let’s go see what he drew. You’re off the topic of who of the two of you like it’s it just doesn’t. That doesn’t go back in segue back into Hey, like, where are you emotionally today? Are you feeling okay? Is there something that happened? And often, a screaming child doesn’t necessarily help with that communication. So there are micro moments in time, where we get to make eye contact and physical contact and vocal contact where we just make it count. And it’s, it’s not necessarily a big conversation that needs to be had. It’s a lot of these smaller like, Hey, how are you like a low key conversation in the ear? Where it’s like, Hey, how are you doing? Okay, yeah, I’m doing good. I’m a little bit you know, on edge with XY and Z. You know, this is a little bit hard for me to okay, we’ll talk about this a little bit more later. But you know, you give each other some emotional, emotional, physical support, just right then and there. And that really helps. We weren’t doing that a lot last year, and that honestly, that came down to me a lot of the time. So now that I’ve entered the game yet again, or the proverbial arena It’s become a lot better because I often have to drive that contact. Because if she’s in business mode and she’s, you can always tell when she’s wrong. She, you know, the house goes and yeah, there’s like a whirlwind that starts like kicking up in the background and things like start getting put back into place. And then there’s about 20 more dishes in the sink. And it’s like, oh, wow, okay, what’s happening here? You have to like, take her last Oh, get her in the and get her. And that’s, that’s kind of my job sometimes. So last me to lash out her Yeah. And to get her into the, into the corner for a second for those conversations. Because if you know, if I don’t, I’m in a different mode. I’m not working, I’m taking care of a child. So so a lot of the time, there’s playtime, she’s working, she’s talking to people with heavy issues. She’s CO going and doing a lot of different things throughout the day that are very business related. So popping out of that energy and into more loving energy for like five seconds is super important. So that’s a skill that I’ve had to learn personally. Because before I was just like, Oh, I’m just gonna let you do your thing. But that’s, that’s actually damaging, because she feels she subconsciously feel stress from not having that reassurance from me. So that was a little, a little thing that I picked up from both of us.
Matthew Hoffman 21:25
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Kimberly Hoffman 22:16
We need to have some check ins, right? We just need to connect with each other, even if it’s just on a really short, small level. You know, how are you doing? Are you doing okay? Do you need anything? Is there anything I can help you with? That that has really made a big difference in how you support each other? How about you? Tell me about how you feel communication works with you and Jason?
Elyse Archer 22:40
Yeah, we’ve I think we’ve learned so much each other and through amazing coaching and mentoring that we’ve received over the years. And I’d say a few things that are the biggest game changers. One is we do prioritize weekly date night now which last year with baby and with COVID. It was just it didn’t happen as much that had been part of our relationship before that we had stopped doing. And it’s just, it’s so critical. Like whatever that looks like I think in a relationship having a set time, at least once a week if you can, that’s just about us to get together and communicate. So for us Wednesday night is date night. That makes a big difference. And then I’ll say one of the things that one of my coaches said to me recently, that really shifted my mindset on things she was like, you have to almost treat your marriage, like a business not in a way where you take all the fun and the romance out of it. But she said if you were like, think about how much energy and effort you’re putting into the relationship versus your business. And for me, my safe zone was always my business. Like, that’s my comfort zone. I know how to excel there. I didn’t and I wasn’t pouring that same level of attention and energy and effort into our relationships. I think there are parts of it that it’s sometimes you just like I was just taking things for granted. And I’ve learned you really can’t do it. So to your point before of shifting gears from business mode to personal mode. One of the things I’ve been doing lately that has been really helpful is just literally walking out the doors of the office, and breathing and mentally envisioning that work is in the office. And I’m walking out now because I’m gonna walk into mom mode and wife mode and just breathing and setting the intention of how do I want to show up in this moment? And then looking at if I want our relationship to grow and thrive, how can like what do I need to do to fuel it? And what sort of level of effort do I need to put into communicating with him and letting him know that he matters and is needed and is valid, like so valued because there was a time where I was just really taking that for granted that he knew and I don’t think we always know. So those few things have really been game changers.
Kimberly Hoffman 24:43
A big part of being a kickass couple I believe is prioritizing your relationship, just like you said, That’s huge. That’s why we’re here to talk about prioritization. And I really believe that date nights are a game changer. Definitely. So Keep, keep doing it,
Matthew Hoffman 25:01
you got to have those points of connection. And you know, and communication and the commitment all leading together, kind of our third pillar point want to talk about is conflict resolution, obviously, stuff comes up. And more often than not, it’s small stuff. And it may be just what’s on the surface. But when we did we find out that, you know, we always give the joke, it’s not about taking out the trash, you didn’t take out the trash. It’s not that the trash didn’t make it from the kitchen to the can outside. It’s, you’re not listening to me you’re not invested, you’re not present, whatever it might be. So at least I want to ask you first, when conflicts do arise, how do the two of you navigate that are how do you work to resolve problems or issues that come up in your relationship?
Elyse Archer 25:42
Yeah, I’ve learned a ton, I think I’ve learned so much from Jason in this arena. I grew up in a household where there wasn’t ever any fighting. So everything was under the surface. So there was actually a lot of conflict and tension going on. But it was never vocalized. So I never knew how to do that. And it still to this day feels uncomfortable, like very uncomfortable to say, I’m feeling upset because of this, or I’m feeling angry because of this. So he’s created an environment where I feel comfortable, like more comfortable that I would otherwise going to him and saying, you know, blah, blah, blah, is going on. So it’s been years, literally years of kind of edging into that and knowing it’s okay to bring up something that’s a challenge, and I don’t have to worry that he’s gonna leave or not be there. And again, a lot of that goes to you. So I think you’re gonna have a really good answer on this question. But one of the things that I, I most appreciate, just kind of going back to the scenario you talked about the other day, is I had shared something that was upsetting. And he took complete ownership, like, I thought he was going to say, you know, here’s my side. And here’s what’s going on. And I don’t know why I thought that because you don’t do that. But he was like, You know what, you’re right. Like, you’re absolutely right. And I’ve thought about it. And here’s like, I agree. And thank you for bringing that to my attention that I was just like cash like that was it takes, I think, a very strong person to do that. And not go into defense mode. And so I’m learning that from him to on both sides. But I think I think you’re the master of this. Who?
Matthew Hoffman 27:20
Maybe? All right, I want to hear directly from the ninja himself.
Kimberly Hoffman 27:24
Yeah. Wait to own your stuff, though. Because I mean, that we have to do that we have to be able to show up and own our stuff, and let our spouse be able to give us influence and tell us what’s really on their heart and on their mind. And if we, if we’ve messed up, or if we need to switch it up, say it. I’m wrong. Make some changes. That’s how we grow together.
Jason Robustelli 27:52
We’re sure. I guess you will my answer. Well, yeah, long do we have? So conflict resolution for me, the I we were talking about this a little bit last night. I realized at one point that my inability in my younger years to communicate how I was feeling and what was going on in my brain really affected the other person because whether I knew it or not, even though I was I thought I was lying very good to myself into them. Subconsciously, something else is happening. And it comes out in some way, shape or form. There’s always some sort of behavior. There’s always something that’s that. It’s the jelly argument in the grocery store. I don’t want that jelly. I want this jelly. Why do you want that jelly? I don’t know. I want this jelly. I don’t want that jelly. It’s the same thing with the trash. Why don’t you take the trash out? What are you? What are you doing? Like the trash is right there and you did not see the trash. So stuff like that. As soon as we get snippy with each other, there’s obviously something that we are glossing over. That isn’t being resolved. Or body language. I can always tell when something’s up with her because of her body language and energetic demeanor, and that’s my own special little gift with her because she couldn’t escape me for the first for the first couple of years of our relationship. How do you know? Yeah, she she was all upset and she was trying to like, you know, do her thing and I was like, oh, no, we’re gonna let me we’re gonna talk about this because you’re driving me nuts, doing whatever you’re doing over there. I want to hear what’s on your mind. But now, it’s not good enough to just be like, I want to hear what’s on your mind because I have to step back, give her the space to communicate, clarify what she’s saying. not take it personally on an ego based level. But, you know, know when I need to take ownership of something, and no, and she just needs to, like, get something off of her chest because we’ve had a few conversations where she’s talking about something that she’s feeling. And she’s trying to tell me that it’s not about me, this is something that is internal to her that she’s struggling with. And I’m giving her opinion, I’m trying to fix it. I’m getting offended, like, I’m going through the man things in my head, like, Oh, you have a problem. Let me fix this for you. Oh, you have, you have an issue, this is what you do. It’s stepping back from that part of being a man and just, you know, really having the CONUS step into it. Because it takes it takes a concerted energy and focus. Sometimes when you’re initially doing it, to really step back and be like conscious of what’s going on. Because if I’m doing something, and she’s coming up to me, and she’s like, I need to talk. And I’m not paying attention, that becomes a whole conversation throughout the day, of what, you know what I did initially, and how I wasn’t being and then we can get to the heart of what she was talking about, which takes time. And that’s where a lot of like, I think stressors come from in relationships. For the hours, at least. It’s you know, how I’m being in that this has honestly been something I’ve decided to do years ago, and now is evolving into something that is, is helpful. Because I did see my parents argue that I did hear them yell at each other. But it wasn’t a lot of like yelling and screaming. It was raised voices and kind of back and forth.
Kimberly Hoffman 31:52
Got a lot of disrespect. Yeah, no
Jason Robustelli 31:55
disrespect. Just, you know, there’s anger there. You know, it’s like, two dogs kind of like growling it out. And then their front their friends afterwards. So there was a lot of like, no, no, I think we should do this. I think we should do this. But what about this, and blah, blah, blah. So there’s, there was a lot of that. So I knew kind of how the conversations should play out. It’s not yelling and screaming. It’s not silence, like, but it is truthful communication. Taking your ego out of it, the ego has a really good tendency to try to keep you safe. And it will definitely ruin things in about five seconds.
Kimberly Hoffman 32:34
Well, we have 14 pillars that we believe it takes to make a successful relationship. And we talked about the first three, but there’s 11 More, do you all have the pillar sheet in front of you? It’s a list of the 14 pillars that that come in
Elyse Archer 32:58
the setup? We do Sorry, I
Jason Robustelli 33:03
don’t I don’t think that we do.
Matthew Hoffman 33:05
Okay. So I’m gonna read these off to you briefly. And then you guys tell me and as I read them, think of which one sticks out to you most, and that you would like to touch on briefly. We have trust and honesty, patience, intimacy, lasting love, selflessness, unity, servant leadership, faith and moral code. Appreciation, security, and fun and humor. is so good. So as we read those off the lease, which one kind of jumps out your Do you think strikes a chord as being important in your relationship?
Elyse Archer 33:44
Oh, my gosh, I will say the one that I know I’m working on most actively right now is the unity piece. And I was just actually thinking about this while you were talking before baby, because a lot of again, it’s like I get to learn all this through us which is which is great. There wasn’t growing up, there wasn’t like the unity of my parents working together as a team in a lot of ways. It was kind of like me versus you. So I noticed some of even just like subconsciously, that dynamic in me showing up as we’ve gone deeper in our relationship. And it’s just, it’s so interesting, like this conditioning, these paradigms, they run so deep, and we often don’t even realize that that’s what’s going on. But it’s really just finished shift. Again, it sounds obvious that of course, we want to work on Unity together. But I think when that’s not always what’s modeled, like you do have to learn it. And so just learning to think about like, almost the relationship between us as like a separate entity and a separate being that we’re like loving and caring for and nurturing. And it’s us like sitting together working on things rather than sitting on the opposite side of the table being against each other. Just little things like that, that I’m like I’m actively working on right now too, but that one really speaks to me because I think they’re all game changers. I think that one’s a big game
Kimberly Hoffman 35:01
changer for sure. Sounds like you’re evolving as a team.
Elyse Archer 35:04
Yeah, for sure.
Kimberly Hoffman 35:06
Are sure about Yeah. SMD is one of those pillars that really stood out to you. Not just one every single good. Sometimes we just really resonate with with one.
Jason Robustelli 35:20
Yeah. So there’s a lot in there. I feel like I’m walking through a Grecian, like pillar farm over here or something. But I’ve, I’ve always had this thing about what was the fun one?
Kimberly Hoffman 35:38
That’s fun and humor, fun
Jason Robustelli 35:40
and fun, fun and humor. So I, I am a jovial, sort of light hearted type person. It’s funny that I go into health care. But you’d be surprised as Yeah, it was surprised how much people need to laugh laying in a hospital bed. Actually, maybe you’re not that surprised. But I also I think the fun and humor part is probably the one that really stands out to me as like my, one of my core core abilities, and then the love and intimacy those two separate pillars. To me, I feel like I’m starting to feel like those are those goes so hand in hand. They’re almost like, the same coin different different faces. In my mind, and I’m enjoying. I’m enjoying contemplating in learning and thinking about that for myself. Because it’s funny, humorous stuff. I’ve got down and she’s real upset with me, or we’ve had a tense conversation. I’d look her in the face.
Elyse Archer 36:47
She’s not even kidding. I’m like, what just happened? To pops, right?
Matthew Hoffman 36:52
Makes breaks. That’s right. All right. We’re gonna write that down.
Kimberly Hoffman 36:59
Why have you started picking me up?
Jason Robustelli 37:05
That’s, that’s, uh, but don’t do it. If you’re really angry with each other, and she’s about to punch you.
Matthew Hoffman 37:13
I love it. Well, that’s, you know, you gotta have you gotta have those points of levity and fun because playing and having fun and humor, we can take ourselves so seriously sometimes. And I love the fact that you point that out. And you know, and that you’re willing to do that, because it does kind of make you It’s hard not to laugh when somebody licks you on the face. Right?
Jason Robustelli 37:33
If you’re wearing makeup, this is, this is probably a good thing. I got a tongue full of makeup the other day really? Makeup first? Yeah, just do a small area.
Matthew Hoffman 37:44
So I would love to kind of come back to you guys and ask a question. I know that our time together is coming to a close in a few minutes here. But I would like to know and Jason, I wanna hear from you first. If you had to go back to your unmarried self, and give your pee yourself one piece of advice. What would you say to yourself? What would it be the advice you give your unmarried self of what you know now
Jason Robustelli 38:13
that’s a good one. Yeah, that’s a seminar. There’s one thing that’s popping up in my brain that is be more work on being more selfless and not communicative. But that work on building community more between people work and building relationships. I’m 33 and throughout my 20s I had the idea that I needed to build a business and make a ton of money, money and business. Don’t do anything without relationships period. You can’t just sit there and you know grind a machine and make money out of just without relationships. If nobody around you likes you and you still make a lot of money then what’s the point? Like if you don’t have friends, a relationship like a close intimate relationship. Having a lot of money doesn’t make any difference. It makes your life easier because you get to buy whatever you need, but you know, it’s like, it doesn’t matter so and it’s more fun to build businesses and make money and just go out and enjoy life with friends and relationships that really matter. So be less selfless and communicate with with people more and be giving
Matthew Hoffman 39:54
a try at least same question over to you. What advice you’re unmarried self
Elyse Archer 39:59
ah I mean, number one is very similar to what you said, I’m going to do one on one and a half if that’s okay, but I’ll be brief. Relationship is everything. So it’s like, pour the same amount of attention and time and love into that, that you would pour in anything else that matters and more. Because that’s, that’s the most important part of life. And then one and a half. Everything’s a mirror. So anything that triggers you and somebody else is a mirror of something in you that needs to be healed. It’s not about the other person, necessarily. And that is a very empowering state, it can be a very, I can feel challenging when you realize that everything that’s getting triggered in you is about you know, about you getting to heal some part of you with that I think has been really important in our marriage,
Kimberly Hoffman 40:43
too. It’s great advice for our listeners to hear everything is a mirror. I love it really all
Matthew Hoffman 40:50
comes back to self. Absolutely, yeah, we’ve talked about that. You guys I’ve mentioned that before tastes like well, what you know, correct your own junk first and own your own stuff. You try to go out and get involved in somebody else’s. And you guys have shared some great stuff with us today. We’re so grateful for you taking the time to give us a glimpse into the power couple in a little bit about your life and some of the challenges. You know, we’re all works in progress. One of my favorite things is I have feet of clay. I make lots of mistakes every single day. But I get to learn and work together and build that relationship that we want to have. So if our listeners want to find you guys or learn more about you, Elise, where should people go to learn more about Elise Archer or Jason? How should we connect with you? Thank you.
Elyse Archer 41:36
Thank you so much. This has been such a pleasure. I would say I’m at Elise Archer on all social. And I also do so I love podcasting. I love this podcast. I know, the average podcast listener, I think this is just seven podcast. So if I have the honor of being in the queue, along with kick ass couples, nation, you can check out my podcast, she sells radio. Awesome.
Jason Robustelli 41:58
And I do not yet have a social platform. It’s just generic social media that I don’t interact, you
Elyse Archer 42:04
can see but I put a lot of behind the scenes on story. Whether he likes it or not.
Jason Robustelli 42:08
Yeah. For whatever reason, if you want to find me in a couple of years, I will be a doctor. So yeah, you can you can find me then I’ll have a platform, then what kind
Matthew Hoffman 42:20
of practice Do you want to go into? What do you have a specialty and area that you’re thinking about?
Jason Robustelli 42:24
Yeah, so I mean, it’s, it’s gonna be family care, just a primary care physician along with a functional medicine designation, which means you’re looking at the whole body, mind and spirit as one, which is very different. Because a lot of the time we’ll say you have diabetes, let’s put you on insulin, or you have heart disease, let’s put you on a statin. Instead of saying, you have heart disease, what’s your diet? Like? What’s your home? Like? Where are you living? Or what are your stress levels? What are you thinking right now? How are you feeling like diving into who they are as a person because you might be able to get rid of a lot of things just by changing one or two things in their life.
Kimberly Hoffman 43:12
I love that integrative care. I think we need more doctors like that. So kudos to you. You guys have been amazing. Thank you for being so authentic and real. With us today with our listeners so grateful to have you
Matthew Hoffman 43:24
finally get a glimpse of the life stages and the success you guys are achieving together. So thank you. We look forward to learning more and seeing more about you soon.
Kimberly Hoffman 43:33
Yes. That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the kick ass couples podcast. If you liked the content of the show, the love Matthews newly released book, kick ass husband winning at life, marriage and sex. To receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate this show and leave us a review, an apple podcast, Spotify, or wherever you tune into this and then email us a screenshot of your review at podcast at kickass couples podcast.com. And we’ll get it over to you right away. Until next time, remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.