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Kimberly Hoffman, Matthew Hoffman
Matthew Hoffman 00:02
Welcome to the Kickass Couples Podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who wants to level up their marriage experience newfound clarity, hope and confidence. We’re Matthew and Kim, co hosts and husband and wife
Kimberly Hoffman 00:16
We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty and wonderful world of marriage.
Matthew Hoffman 00:28
We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you grow and strengthen your relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:43
We’ll get started right after this message. If you want to learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to order Matthew’s new book, “Kickass Husband: Winning At Life, Marriage and Sex.â€ and you can get firstname.lastname@example.org or visit Matthews website www.matthewphoffman.com Again, that’s amazon.com or www.matthewphoffman.com. And now back to the show.
Matthew Hoffman 01:18
Elyse Archer is the founder of She Sells, a coaching program and community for high-earning women in sales. Her husband Jason Robustelli is a full-time dad and prospective medical student. When COVID hit, their relationship was put to the test. It was their ability to prioritize each other and communicate their needs that kept their marriage afloat and growing through a season of high demands and potential relationship stressors. In today’s RECAP edition episode Kim and I will share our key takeaways from our interview with this dynamic couple and will break down concepts, relationship qualities and key pillar points that they’ve used to build their rock solid relationship that will stand the test of time. It feels good to be back here on the kickass Couples Podcast we are doing a recap with Jason Robustelli and Elyse Archer. And this couple especially Elyse. Jason, you’re wonderful. I gotta let you know that. But Elyse has a special place in our hearts. Because Elyse I said this to her in the interview and I’m gonna say it again. You’re the godmother, you are the midwife for the Kickass Couples Podcast. Kim and I were blessed to work for two straight days with Elyse Archer and Macy from the Brandbuilders group. And they really helped us get this podcast off the ground. And what’s exciting Kim, is before you know it, where we’re gonna be coming up on our 50th episode, and not long after that, we’ll be celebrating our one year anniversary.
Kimberly Hoffman 02:48
Oh, it has gone so quickly. And yes, she has holds a special place in our heart for sure. As she really did. She helped us birth this podcast, she is the podcast Pro. And I have to say I was a little nervous going into interviewing them knowing that because I’m sure she had high expectations of her pupils.
Matthew Hoffman 03:11
Yeah, she said we’ve come a long way and that we’ve done a lot in a short amount of time. And I do feel that way sometime. And it was really fun. You know, they’re in just like, we’re in the middle of a podcast, this couple is in the middle of life. Two career, she’s the CEO of her business. He’s in med school working on becoming a doctor and they have a toddler, all in the middle of it. So there are no pauses and breaks for them. And yet, they’re really, you know, still unabashedly learning and sharing a lot of the processes and the things that they’re going through in order to prioritize their relationship and keep it growing in the right direction.
Kimberly Hoffman 03:47
There are a lot of great takeaways from this interview. And you know, right out of the gate, we talked about what makes them Kickass. And their response was, we really feel like problem- solving is what makes us Kickass. And that’s such a great response. Because problem-solving is a really big component to a successful relationship. And this didn’t happen right away. But over time, they have really mastered the no yelling at each other, having really clear communication, making sure they have eye contact with each other. They’re clarifying things if they need to. They’re really taking notice of when the other person is frustrated or is having challenges, and maybe they need some help. And they’re really clearly defining what their needs are with each other. And so I thought that that was a great takeaway right out of the gate.
Matthew Hoffman 04:53
It was Kim and another thing that Elyse said relative to that problem-solving in that key superpower they have. She said, You know you’re really mirroring to each other, what needs to be healed in yourself. So she said, ‘when you’re looking at your spouse and going, I have a real problem with XY and Z,” she goes, that’s kind of an indication to you that those are things you’ve got to work out. And your spouse may need to face things as well. But she said she’s learned with Jason, and he’s learned from her about what they’re mirroring to each other. And we know if it rises as a problem that you see in them, it means you’ve got to come right back and address something on your own.
Kimberly Hoffman 05:28
Sure. What about you? Did you have anything that stood out to you?
Matthew Hoffman 05:32
You know, I thought it was interesting. I can relate to this a little bit. And we talked about it and our relationship is that Elyse came from we talked about commitment. And she came from a divorced family. Her parents were divorced. And she said that her first relationship ended up in divorce. And so she really kind of came to the relationship with Jason with a viewpoint that, you know, if this doesn’t work, then you know, we can always do something else, not relative to her commitment to Jason. But she saw when things didn’t work that people left and you know, she was had to learn and how to fight for the relationship, and what you do to keep it strong and moving forward. And because it wasn’t a model. She said, “that’s one of the great things that she learned from Jason, is how do we fight for our relationship?” What are the things that you have to do to make sure you know, that you’re not blaming the other person for the problems and saying, No, their fault? or walking out when it gets tough? But how do you hang in there and work through the difficulties? So
Kimberly Hoffman 06:37
he said, there’s no exit strategy from the get go. And you know, we’re in this and we’re gonna figure out how to make this work, whatever it takes. And that was some really new dialog for her. Yeah. And something she had to learn to accept and be comfortable with.
Matthew Hoffman 06:55
Sure. Sure. What about for you what was another one of your takeaways from the from Elyse
and from Jason.
Kimberly Hoffman 07:03
I think one of the things that stood out to me was when Jason said that he always knew he was loved. But he had to work on sharing and learning to have a certain level of intimacy with his
family. Because even though he was loved growing up, I think emotions and discussing how you feel was not something that he was familiar with, or comfortable with. And I think that’s a great thing to point out to our listeners is that sometimes we come to a relationship where we have seen love, and we have felt loved. But we don’t know how to necessarily express love, emotion, or conversation. And Jason admittedly, said, “I needed coaching. And I really had to work on this area.”
Matthew Hoffman 07:57
And was he talking Kim more about his relationship with Elyse or other people? What?
Kimberly Hoffman 08:02
Elyse as well as their son, right, being able to express those emotions and his feelings to his
son, and his family as well.
Matthew Hoffman 08:11
Right? He was talking, I think I remember him saying, he needed to model it for his son when he’s young, so that he gets used to seeing that this is a normal part of a loving healthy relationship. Right. That’s a good point. I think, I think the next big takeaway that I had came when we started talking about communication, and I think that Jason may have said that, you know, surface level communication does not work for the long term, right? I call it weather conversations, you know, Oh, how’s the weather? Oh, it’s warm. It’s nice, how you doing all I’m busy. You know, all those filler words that really don’t share any emotion, right or feeling. And he said, You got to ask the right questions that are tied to emotion, feelings and states of mind. You know, he talked about micro moments, he said, you know, we have small opportunities day to day with each other, that we can lean in to and say things and engage and create those bonds. Or we can say we’re too busy to take the time and interact on them. We’ve talked about that before. In communication on Kickass Couples Nation.com we talked about in our webinar on communication. John Gottman calls those sliding door moments and Jason identified that and he said, you know, a sliding door because the door opens and it closes and you can choose to walk in and get in that space. Or you can choose not to enter in and you know, giving the emotional and physical help. Right then and there, he said they may express a need and man you gotta jump in and do something right away. And when you do, it’s so powerful, because and he said they both need to practice that, you know, it’s kind of like changing gears right? And you know, the car has a lot of gears and sometimes you got to stop and take the time to get it in the right gear to get the traction in the moment and I just I love those thoughts that he shared about that.
Kimberly Hoffman 09:56
I think it’s really easy to get caught up in the habit of maybe I’m working right and I’m sitting, I’m really paying attention here. And you’re asking me a question. And I say, “oh, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.” And I just keep doing what I’m doing. But it’s about me stopping what I’m doing and actually looking you in the eye, and giving you the care of that moment of my attention.
And we get in the bad habit of never looking up or saying, uh huh, not even answering somebody in a full sentence. And I love that he really noticed that he was doing those things and decided to turn those things around and really make those moments of connection happen throughout the day as small as they might be. They were still moments of eye contact of maybe putting your hand on each other and letting them know that you were you were there. And you were listening.
Matthew Hoffman 10:51
Yeah, I love it when you put your hand on me, by the way, I love that touch. And I think too, it’s what was so nice about it in and then we can we can move on is it’s a discipline. It’s a habit. And so, you know, for our listeners, you can hear a constant goal. That sounds nice, right? But the question is, are you demonstrating it consistently, habitually over time? And if you’re not, you got to practice, it takes a long time to build those habits. And I think that, you know, Jason talked about the discipline, and what we have to do to make it habitual. And and I really enjoyed that. Yeah,
Kimberly Hoffman 11:24
I want to go back to commitment, just one more time and talk about something that really stood out to me that Jason said, and that was that commitment in their relationship has changed a lot over the years. And he has felt like, every few years, you really need to have a check in with each other a real serious check in, we need to see where we are as people, where are we in business, maybe we’ve had a child in the last couple of years. And our landscape and our relationship looks a lot different. And he talked about really asking those hard questions about “Do we still love what we’re doing together? Are we still really enjoying the ways that we interact, and we connect with each other?” And I thought those were really good touch points. And it’s really good advice is to really sit down every few years and really re-evaluate where you are because we do change. Things do evolve over time. And are we evolving along with time?
Matthew Hoffman 12:33
Right? I mean, it’s a check in it’s a reevaluation. And it’s not a change of commitment. It’s a change of, “Am I committed to you in the right way to support you in what you want to do?” Because as your things change I mean, we talked about this another interview had just recently where it’s not your commitment that’s changing, it says, “Well, am I supporting you in the right way that demonstrates my highest commitment? Because you can’t just keep playing the same tune all the time, because it’s not going to always sound as sweet, depending on what the life stages are, what the moment is, and I remember Jason said, he goes, he said, “I’m in a spot where I don’t know what to do.” And if your partner’s not aware of that, and not coming underneath you and in beside you, and giving you the support you need because your circumstance, he’s you know, he’s a med student, he’s a student, and he’s, he’s working his tail off a lot of stress. And he’s at a proving ground where Elyse is operating a successful business. So they each have different needs, and being aware of what they are in that season. And then reacting and changing and jumping in.
Kimberly Hoffman 13:37
Yeah, he said there was one point where he was kind of going down, right? He’s stressed, he’s dipping just he’s really focused on studying. And you know, his priorities are really, and truthfully, not their relationship, right? And she’s going up. She’s CEO of our company, she’s successful, she’s doing really well. And he was having a really tough time. And I think that she pulled them aside and just said, Hey, this is what I’m seeing, and this is what I’m feeling. And so they had a really serious conversation. And I love that Jason said, “Golly, after I thought about it, I really realized I was having a pity party for myself.” And I really listened and heard what she was saying. And I said, “You know what, you’re right.” So he owned where he was, and at that moment, said, and made the conscious decision that I’m going to turn this around. I’m going to change this. I can do this.
Matthew Hoffman 14:43
That’s great, Kim. And so in that story you just told about Elyse coming in and I’m having the conversation is Jason was willing to accept some influence from Elyse and if we’re in a position that we’re willing to accept influence from our partner, that is the health meter of any relationship. Because if you’re not willing to accept influence, even consider what they have to say, or understand the value in their feedback. Right? And, and that he, she was willing to give it to him and he was willing to accept it and say, “Gosh, you’re right, and what do I have to change in myself.” And I thought that was a great example of him accepting some influence, they’re
Kimberly Hoffman 15:18
really beautiful. Because I think that’s a really difficult thing to do. It’s so easy to get defensive. And to put your guard up, and immediately want to attack back. And that’s what our nature sort of tends to be sometimes, but he owned his stuff. And so all of you listeners out there, I know it’s hard. I know, it’s, it’s sometimes really not easy. But if you can take a breath and really, truly look inside, and ask yourself some really hard questions. If you’re able to own your stuff, it can go such a long way to deepening your relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 15:57
When it comes to creating a Kickass marriage, do you ever wonder what you could be doing better? Have you ever thought how helpful it would be to be a part of a like minded community of other imperfect couples who wants to level up in their number one relationship? Come visit Kickass Couples Nnation, where you can talk with people just like you who are looking for ways to invest in and increase their joy, commitment, and fulfillment in their most important human relationship. You’ll have access to a team of licensed marriage therapists, coaches, articles, podcasts, live webinars and more. Just visit www.matthewphoffman.com. So you can learn more about a community that’s ready to help you level up. That’s www.matthewphoffman.com. So you can become part of the growing Kickass Couples Nation right now. it’s a great example of commitment to stepping up accepting the influence and also that act of Jason saying that deepened the intimacy between Elyse and Jason because he was being vulnerable, and saying he was wrong in something and he was working to make a change. And she supported him in
that. And that leads when you’re vulnerable. And you share those deep dark things, which are sometimes maybe not pretty or certainly easy. That really does goes a long way to increasing the intimacy that you have in the relationship
Kimberly Hoffman 17:23
It does. It brings about a lot of trust, and really makes you feel very safe and connected with your partner, no doubt. How about other standouts to you? Is there anything for conflict resolution? Or
Matthew Hoffman 17:38
There is actually. Yeah, I think that, you know, Jason was talking about that he felt that he had a previous inability to communicate how he was feeling. So instead of expressing it, he just thought it wasn’t important. Or he said, “I’m a master of pushing it down, and lying to himself that it didn’t mean anything.” So he’s keeping all these he’s repressing his own feelings and keeping these things in. And then it just, you know, bottles up and explodes. And he said that he had to learn how to communicate, he was feeling because, you know, none of us are mind reader’s, we’ve talked about this before. And, you know, and sometimes it doesn’t mean handling everything in a moment. He said, “Gosh, you know, I learned and Elyse learned how do we step back and give each other space, identify what’s going on?” And saying, you know, why don’t we let this marinate for a while. Why don’t you deal with this, think about it, pray about it, maybe get coaching from somebody else on it, and let it and then come back. And he said, “he also had to learn how to let go of his ego, about what he what his expected response from her was, or I think this is how this should resolve.” So he had to let go of controlling the situation, and let it naturally come come to the surface and kind of work out a little bit
Kimberly Hoffman 18:55
Ego can really be such an enemy and can be pretty destructive, if we allow it to be. So I appreciated that. He also said, you know, in those moments, sometimes if he just took a breath and stepped back, he grew up in Maine, and he would just go out and take walks and I feel like you know when we’re really have some anxiety or things that are really concerning us and we need to just step back and take a break that nature is so healing and so comforting, and so calming. I think it’s that was a great example of one way to just take a timeout.
Matthew Hoffman 19:31
Yeah, you got to know how you ground yourself. And it’s different from everybody. It could be prayer, could be meditation, could be music, it could be exercise, and he said “Hey, walking in the woods was the way I grounded and got a clear thinking” And we all need that escape or that ability to release.
Kimberly Hoffman 19:46
Sure. They touched a little bit on a pillar of fun and humor to and I always like to bring that up
Sure. They touched a little bit on a pillar of fun and humor to and I always like to bring that up when we talk about relationships and how important that is in a relationship. I think a lot of us tend to get so busy with life, and navigating the things that come at us throughout the day that we forget to maybe just look at each other in a funny, silly way, or just tell each other a joke or, you know, just be silly. And that just goes a long way to making us smile and feel happy inside.
Matthew Hoffman 20:22
Do you remember what Jason said he did? Well, one of the ways that he did that, and I thought it was I’d never heard of it before. But do you remember I almost just did it to you. But you’d think I was weird.
Kimberly Hoffman 20:31
No, I know what he said. And he, I think, I mean, this is totally hysterical. And you’ll see it in their interview if you watch the whole thing in its entirety. But he licks her face. And it just totally catches her off guard. I’m sure the first time she probably thought –What?
Matthew Hoffman 20:47
The first time he got a little bit of makeup in there and the taste wasn’t so hot.
Kimberly Hoffman 20:51
Eat a little bit of makeup. But no, I think that it’s moments like that which really helped to break
the ice and to make us smile and just laugh and be goofy with each other.
Matthew Hoffman 21:05
Yeah. And that’s, we were late to the game guys on recognizing the fun and humor pillar, but it’s there now. It is. So 13 is not complete. But 14 is and that’s our 14 th pillar Fun and Humor and we got to inject it. And we have to laugh. And I think you and I do a good job of that with each other whenever we can.
Kimberly Hoffman 21:22
No doubt. I wanted to bring up one more thing right before we close on this. And it’s just advice and I thought it was such great advice given by Jason, at the end of the interview. We asked “You know, if you had to go back and give your unmarried self some advice, what would it be?” And he said, “To be more selfless, and to really build community, between people and work on relationships. He said that his focus was always money, and business. So it was pretty self centered. But he said that you know what, you can’t do this. If you don’t know how to build good relationships, you’re not going to be successful in business, and you’re not going to be successful at making money. And he said that, you know, at the end of the day, also, when you
have a lot of money or if you have a lot of money. What? What good is that if you don’t have family and friends and solid relationships with people. And I think that that’s what this is all about. That’s why we’re doing this podcast is to really help people build and have solid relationships. And that’s what really matters and what really endures in life.
Matthew Hoffman 22:46
Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. Kim, you know, at the end of the day, when you’re on the it’s the old deathbed experience, right? And some people even say it’s healthy to think about death. And what are you going to think, you know, it’s not about the thing you got or didn’t get are the things you have or you don’t have, it’s going to be about people and the relationships. And that’s the legacy you have are the people that you impact in the lives that you change. And there’s no better place to start than at home. In this number one relationship that we have.
Kimberly Hoffman 23:15
Yeah, and let it trickle down into your, your your children, if you have them or your family
members, it’s a beautiful thing. It is
Matthew Hoffman 23:22
it is. And if you speaking of those relationships, we have a place that you can go and work on those relationships. We are having some incredible webinars with our marriage therapists. We’re taking these pillars head on every two weeks. We get on a zoom call. We talk about them. We have quotes. We’ve got notes and videos. And we have great presentations and tools that you can use to strengthen that. Number one relationships. If you want to learn more about Kickass Couples Nation please go to www.matthewphoffman.com. Click on it. And there’s a great opportunity for you to get involved and get engaged and have a great opportunity to strengthen that relationship that matters most. Absolutely. I wish we would have had this type of access to marriage counselors when we were you know, in the thick of things in our relationship. It’s an incredible four, group of four who are just some of the most amazing marriage therapists and have been giving week after week, just some really terrific advice. So really grateful for that. So we hope you liked this podcast if you do, please give us a review and let us know and share, share share with others so we can grow the platform and grow the message. You can see us in full video on YouTube. For any of the Kickass Couples Podcasts. We also have a lot of incredible video content on our website. www.matthewphoffman.com. We hope you’ll come back and join us and remember that happily ever after does not just happen.
Kimberly Hoffman 24:58
That’s all we’ve got for this Episode of the Kickass Couples Podcast. If you like the content of the show, you’ll love Matthews newly released book, “Kickass Husband: Winning At Life, Marriage and Sex.” To receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate this show and leave a review, on Apple podcast, Spotify, or wherever you
tune into this and then email us a screenshot of your review at podcast at www.kickasscouplespodcast.com and we’ll get it over to you right away. Until next time, remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.