Audio and Video
men, marriage, relationship, people, wife, communication, feel, woman, stereotypes, good, love, spouse, role, work, emotion, today, happen, talk, great, yosef
Jerremy Newsome, Matthew Hoffman, Kimberly Hoffman, Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn
Matthew Hoffman 00:00
Welcome back to the kick ass couples podcast. We’re having a killer panel discussion today with two heavy hitters. We’re going to talk about not only their own experience, but their practices and what they’ve found on what a man can do to have his best relationship. Joining us today Kim and I are Jerremy Newsome and Yosef Lynn. Welcome, gentlemen.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 02:56
Thank you so much. It’s great to be here.
Jerremy Newsome 02:58
Excited to see you guys. Beautiful couple. Pumped.
Kimberly Hoffman 03:02
So guys, and lady, men get a bad rap, I think about when we talk about commitment, intimacy, true love and all the other stuff that has to go into what makes a good relationship. And, you know, there are stereotypical views of men. And I said this earlier, when we were talking before we started that I don’t think any of the three men are stereotypical on this call today, maybe we’d all like to think that we’re doing what we need to do and toeing the line. But we’re here today to get down to the brass tacks and kind of talk about what can a man do if he wants to create and I mean, create and then contribute to and sustain his best relationship? What do they what do we what do they? What does he have to do to get there? So I’d love to hear Yosef from you first. And the question I want to start off with is, what do you think the keys are? Like, if you had to say, Man, these are the top three things, or behaviors that contribute to the success of your own relationship? What have you found in your experience, like, oh, my gosh, I do these things. I know we’re going to have a great time.
Matthew Hoffman 03:04
Yeah, we are excited to be with you. So Kim’s gonna share a little quote.
Kimberly Hoffman 03:05
Matthew found a great quote from Instagram that says, ladies, a man that is truly interested in you will never leave you guessing about the role he intends to play in your life. Good men pursue women that they want with upfront communication, genuine intentions and consistent effort.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 04:35
So I’ll tell you, I’m going to boil it down. And maybe be a little bit radical here and push back at you and say, I’m going to put into one thing, which I have seen that has been the biggest game changer in my own personal marriage. And was the basically the catalyst that got me into this whole world of trying to help other couples. And what I have seen is that when I proactively invest in my marriage, that is what creates the most growth, the most connection, the most intimacy, you name it. And unfortunately, there is this idea out there, that will, if you just find the right person, it’s going to automatically like, get better over time, and it will just get stronger, and we’ll get more connected. And it doesn’t work that way, anywhere else with anything in life. If if this if all of us didn’t proactively invest in our professional lives, if any other endeavor outside of our professional lives, we didn’t put time, effort and energy in not just to keep it afloat, but to make it great, then no success would happen. And what I find the world of marriage as well, is that there is this kind of mentality we have that how things should naturally kind of play out, which we don’t hold that to be true anywhere else. And when people stick with that marriage, it only leads to more frustration, more disconnect, and the list can go on. And therefore I think that the most important question we have to ask ourselves, is what are we doing to proactively invest into making this marriage awesome. And I always tell anyone who I’m teaching couples, I’m working with seminars and giving, I always say great marriages don’t happen. Great marriages are built. And I think that we have to look at our lives and look at, we’re putting effort everywhere, how much effort he actually really going out of your way to make this most important part of your life. truly awesome.
Matthew Hoffman 06:48
Love that. Great, thank you. Jerremy, how would you expand that? Or what do you find in your own experience that has gotten you to be a smiling guy most of the time?
Jerremy Newsome 06:59
I really like that, quote, great marriages do not happen. They are built. And they’re built from each individual, but most importantly, the man. And I’ll tell you why. Working on himself and working on his communication, the quote that Kimberly mentioned, is the man has his role, and he intends to fulfill that role. And he has up front communication with his woman or with his partner. But the big challenge for a lot of men is learning not only what to communicate, but what we’re feeling, and then how we communicate it. Because women have different love languages. Women hear things differently than men hear things. We generally talk differently, we have different styles. So to give a great example, if my wife asked me how I’m feeling I have and we have decided to come up with three answers I’m allowed to give. Meaning I can’t say I’m fine, I’m good. I’m okay. I can answer with a baseline general, status quo answer that we give so often to everybody. So I’m allowed for myself to say, I don’t know right, now, let me get back to you. So that way I can think about it because I probably don’t know. I’m a guy, I’ve been working on this communication with my internal dialogue to figure out my emotions, how I’m feeling, because if I’m not hungry, or horny or sleepy, I don’t really know how I’m feeling. So I got to figure it out. I got to attach your words that emotion. And that’s a really fun journey for a lot of men. The other thing I can do is obviously say, Hey, here’s how I’m feeling and come up with a new emotion, elated, joyful, stressed, anxious, or I can say, My Love. Let’s talk about that later. I have something I have to do right in this moment. And I’m able to engage in that type of dialogue presently. Therefore, we come up with a time later, and that’s, you know, whatever, seven o’clock, eight o’clock after a little man’s put to sleep. And then we have that we have a conversation about how I was feeling. So those are the three things that helped me and for me, and my opinion, and I totally agree with Yosef. If we are working on the marriage, the part for a lot of men is working on how you communicate specifically, your feelings.
Matthew Hoffman 09:17
Yeah, tied to emotion. That’s good stuff.
Jerremy Newsome 09:19
Kimberly Hoffman 09:19
Communication is huge. It’s our second pillar.
Jerremy Newsome 09:23
Yeah, that’s it.
Kimberly Hoffman 09:24
What we believe it takes to make a successful marriage and learning communication styles for each of us is vital to our relationship. So what would the two of you say that? So men are stereotyped and and there are hurdles that men have to overcome for that being stereotyped and what would you say that those maybe three stereotypes are and what those hurdles are that they need to overcome? Especially today, and today’s world.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 09:59
That’s a good, I’m gonna let Jerremy go first.
Jerremy Newsome 10:19
Yeah, let me start because this is a good one. I do like this one. So let’s do three stereotypes. Men only want sex. Men only want younger women who are hotter. And men are terrified of commitment. Those are three really, really powerful, like really big, broad, arching stereotypes. I think a lot of women will go, yeah, that explains every guy I’ve ever dealt with. And the cool part about stereotypes is they’re there for a reason. They don’t just like accidentally pop up. Because generally, there is a broader art audience somewhere where that that aspect of the stereotype is true.
Kimberly Hoffman 11:36
Jerremy Newsome 11:37
And I would say, every single human being enjoys sex. That’s why we’re on this earth. And men want respect. If a woman can not only show respect, but use that word, Awe, like a guy’s gonna turn into a puppy, every single man on earth wants to be told that I respect you. I respect your decisions. I respect your actions, I respect what you do for this family. Like that’s such a good word for guys, every guy will melt on that word, no, no issue. Commitment. They’re just afraid to commit to you. Right? Men will commit to all kinds of things, we commit to work, we commit to a football team for our entire life. Like this is my team, like men have no problem committing, if a ladies listening to this, and we’re like, oh, my man has a hard time committing he’s not committing to you. And that there’s all way a million ways for that to start transforming. But to keep in mind that men are not afraid of commitment at all, we commit things all the time. And so I’ll leave with those two in those two pieces of my thoughts, and I can’t wait to hear what Yosef has to say.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 12:42
Whoa, okay, I’m gonna, I’m gonna add on to that. And that was nice. I’ll say up a two other things, which I found to be true. I see that, personally, and again, with people who I work with. Number one, I think there is an assumption that a lot of times a partner or a wife will have with their husband, that they know how much I appreciate them. Like, you know, a lot of times, you know, I’ll hear a wife say, you know, well, my husband really knows how much I appreciate them. And I think that there’s a huge misunderstanding, and a really bad stereotype. Because men need appreciation in such a powerful way is almost like a fuel, it’s like without that you just run out of gas. And when they get that it is something which just can totally, you know, create just such awesome energy in a relationship. And I always tell people never assume that someone knows how much you appreciate them, especially in your marriage. I think kind of like, you know, my husband knows how much I appreciate them. Like that is a big mistake. Don’t fall into that trap. Number two is I think that there’s a stereotype there’s a mistake, there’s a blockage that people think that men can’t be vulnerable. And I think that men crave that. They may need to do it in their own way. Or it may take them a little bit longer, or it may not happen instantly. But I think being able to be vulnerable with your spouse to be open and raw with your spouse is something that we yearn for, and creates tremendous amount of closeness. So I think that people just get, you know, making me put in a box like, you know, or, you know, you just, you can’t do this, okay, it may look different for a man and woman. I’m all for that. But I think vulnerability is something that we desire in such a real way, especially with that person that we’re connected to as our spouse. So those were I would say would be my two things I throw Adding to the mix of what Jerremy said.
Kimberly Hoffman 15:01
Yeah, I agree when when my husband is really vulnerable with me, it will make him you know, he may have tears in his eyes. I all of a sudden feel so connected and so intimate and close to him, that it’s amazing what it does for our relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 15:21
Yeah, I love both of what you guys said. And just to follow up on a couple of those things. There’s a funny cartoon of an older man and woman that are married. And he the man is saying to the wife, you know, when we got married, I told you, I love you. And I also told you if things ever change, I’ll let you know. Right? And you know, saying you’re saying it 100 times isn’t enough. And I think Yosef it’s a two way street really, because women need to know, you value me, right? I’m appreciated know, Jerremy talked about, if you say this to a guy, I respect you. That is fuel. But it’s so funny. I think it’s fuel for both sexes, both men and women. And we can’t do it enough. And it kind of comes back to that communication thing. And then the other thing is that men do desire to be vulnerable. And I think that men are willing, I know that in my own relationship with Kim, I’m willing to be vulnerable, because her commitment to me is not an issue. I know without a doubt, in every way, shape, and form. That’s a pillar, our first pillar. I know she’s committed to me. So it’s not, it’s not restrictive, it frees me to be vulnerable with her because I know she’s gonna respect and hold it sacred and not make fun of diminish or demean. And I think that men have in the back of their mind, I see Jerremy kind of shaking his head a little bit. We’re afraid. I think there’s some fear there for men that when I do become vulnerable, I’m leery of doing it. We commit to all kinds of things. But if I do it to my wife, is she gonna step on me? Is she gonna hurt me? Is it gonna, you know, if I open that chink in the armor, am I risking getting hurt? Right? And so thank you for saying that. And I think, you know, I want to share with you kind of, you know, you may come in here to a common complaint I hear from men a lot, is that the intimacy and sex life I have is just not enough. It’s not often enough. It’s not good, right? I want it more and she wants it less. And you hear that? So how should I hear the question? I have an Yosef, I’d love to start with you, if you can, is how should men look at intimacy or define it or approach it? And, you know, what role does the sexual intimacy have in a healthy relationship with their, with their wife?
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 17:42
Well, I’ll start off here, I think that is the meat and potatoes, I think that it is the most powerful place of connection. And it is something which spills over and gives energy to every other part of the marriage. And I think one of the biggest problems that happens is that people don’t realize this. And it’s kind of just like a nice part of the marriage, and ends up a lot of times that, you know, one side is frustrated with certain things, and it never really gets addressed individually, it gets the focus that it deserves. And what I find is so crucial, is that, you know, open up this whole discussion about communication. If there’s a, if there’s a topic, which needs the most amount of communication, it’s this area. And I find that people don’t make that happen. Now we can speak about what makes good communication and what makes bad communication, that can be a separate question we can go into, but I find that this has got to be when you’re sitting down, you’re trying to make, you know, an accounting of how your marriage is doing of how we can get better, what things are stuck. This has got to be something which is at the top of the list that is really getting the attention that it deserves.
Matthew Hoffman 19:03
Love that. Jerremy, what do you think what what are your thoughts about the role of intimacy in a great relationship? And how should a man view that sexual intimacy in the best way in their relationship?
Jerremy Newsome 19:18
I have two unique thoughts on it. So yes, I think that’s a very common like you said complaint. But what a man generally doesn’t realize is that there is only 99% of time and my on mathematically defined opinion 99% of time if a woman is not having physical sex with her partner, it’s because she doesn’t trust him. It has nothing to do with lack of desire.
Jerremy Newsome 19:52
has anything to do with lack of trust? Because women want sex more than men? Hashtag they can have multiple orgasms, you think that they don’t Want to do that all the time? Because like, we generally, we have one and we’re like, Hey, that was cool. She can add like 14, in the same amount of time. She wants to party. All right? She’s not trusting you. So my theory, my thesis would be, use the energy that we’re going to have from lack of sexual gratification, because that is an energy. Use that energy, to rebuild trust, to be a man of your word, to be a man of integrity to do things that you say you’re going to do, honey, I’m gonna clean out the car. Cool. Go clean out the car, dude, when you get home, right? They’ll sit down on the couch and watch TV, use that energy, use that angst use that emotion, for motion, right? Actually go do something and rebuild the trust, have communication rebuild, lower the walls or resentment. And she will open up, it might take a little bit. But it generally has occurred after the honeymoon phase is over. And like that 2,3,4 year window. Because things have started falling apart, right? The guy has stopped doing certain things, he stopped buying her flowers or cleaning out her car or taking out the groceries, taking out the trash. And he said he would do it. But he didn’t. He forgot. He never apologized. And so she built up some resentment. And so that’s what happened. And so for me, figuring out a way to turn your woman on is like, I think probably the coolest challenge that every man should have. So if she’s not being with you figure it out. It’s a man problem, because the woman’s ready. And again, this is all my opinion. She’s ready to go. We just got a little bit of work to figure out how we can turn that engine on.
Matthew Hoffman 21:38
Right. Yeah. And I think that you, I love what you say, because it kind of links back to that. trust and honesty links is an emotion. I trust you based on what I see, what do I experience what I feel? And I think that’s a great element. Thank you.
Kimberly Hoffman 21:51
I do as well. So women in general are much more sensitive to their and much more focused, I would say on their emotional needs first, right? Emotional needs before sex, and we really need to feel valued and understood. But men seem to struggle, I think developing that emotional bond more than women do. And so how can how can a man really become a woman’s hero in this way, really speaking to her emotional needs?
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 22:27
I’m going to let Jerremy pick up on that.
Jerremy Newsome 22:29
Yeah brother. Ask her and ask her often. I mean, this is something all right team here goes, I have a reminder on my phone to do this. My wife wouldn’t be mad to know this because I need to be reminded. I have a reminder, a daily reminder on my phone to ask my wife two things, will you marry me? So she says no, that means that we can pause and like figure some stuff out things are happening, problems or problems have arisen. And the number two, I asked and I love that you use the word understood. Kimberly, I asked Do you feel understood? Do you feel heard? Do you feel seen? And she has said no before? And so I’m like, Alright, let’s talk about it baby girl. What can I do? How can I help you more? How can I remove some stress? Let’s chat about that. I would love to learn more. Why do you feel that way? And just like, as a man, we sometimes forget to do that. Because we have right, women can think about 15 things simultaneously. And men claim it we can think about 15 things, but we don’t we think about one thing. And this is it, this is what we can do. So whatever that one thing is is going on. That’s what we got. So if we remind and we have those conversations, you generally generally, a woman will help us out and they will kind of guide us and they can give us a direction because all men want to do is be a protector. That’s it. We want to be protectors of a woman can go hey, here’s where you’re not protecting me. Here’s the three things that you could do to make me feel more understood heard and seen. Guys will go do it. We’re not mind readers, but we will go do things if we were told to if we’re directly asked to very frequently, and that’s my answer.
Kimberly Hoffman 24:02
There you go, listeners set a timer, intentionality.
Matthew Hoffman 24:07
Whatever it takes. That’s what it takes. If that’s how you work.
Kimberly Hoffman 24:11
I love it.
Matthew Hoffman 24:11
Do it right.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 24:12
I’m gonna just I’m going to piggyback on what Jerremy said, I agree 100% And I have seen you know, different things work like that. I guess the the main thing, I think what, what I agree with so much for Jerremy said is that men if they don’t make time to proactively try and do that, it usually is gonna just end up blowing up in their face anyways, because the way that you know, your wife will get your attention is because it gets so bad that it’s gonna erupt into a bigger into some sort of massive you know, who knows what the problem is. We’re so you know, type a throughout the day, you know, get this done and get that done and If we don’t make a time to check in with our spouse, you know, if I don’t make time that does my wife have what she needs? Does she feel frustrated with something, etc, things like that it’s not gonna happen. But how can I do that? So for example, I find one of the things that I try and do not perfect that but I strive for it, okay? Unfortunately, one of the biggest distractors that can get in the way of doing anything proactive in our marriage can sometimes be this device. Now you can use it in a good way. Like Jerremy just said, one of things I try and do is that when I come home, at night, come home from work. If I can find time that my job when I walk in my house, is to put my phone away, not on silent, not like, you know, vibrating somewhere, I really try and get on my way. Let me use the button on this, which gets us the least which is the off button.
Matthew Hoffman 25:56
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 25:57
Let me turn this guy off, the world is not going to blow up. And let me spend the next 20 minutes just checking on my spouse, how are you? How is your day? What’s happening here? We’re nothing else matters. Even my kids running around the house, there’ll be fine. Let me deal with my number one priority. If I don’t make an effort to do that, Nope, doesn’t happen. It ends up just coming out in some sort of way over a point of tension later on, and therefore at that point, it’s all downhill anyways.
Jerremy Newsome 26:26
Matthew Hoffman 26:29
Great stuff. So I’m curious if each of you in your, in your practices, your businesses and other men and women, you come into contact with what, or even in your own relationship. So you guys mentioned conflict, and you said, You know what, most of you said, if you don’t do it, the conflict builds up and explodes. Right? And, you know, conflict can be challenging in relationships. So if you have to give advice to a guy, here’s the best way to handle conflict when that arises. Now, what would that be? Or how do you handle it? So that disagreements come up? Or I see this and they see that? So here, we’re at that fork in the road? How can man navigate that as a win instead of as destruction?
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 27:12
So I’m going to keep it very simple and very basic. And if you can get these two things, right, golden. And I just want to just give an introduction, before I even say anything, we all know, when you’re able to work through something that’s difficult in your marriage via communication. There’s nothing that creates more connection, intimacy, it’s like gold. Right? When you have that difficult conversation, you can do it in the right way. There’s nothing that can make you feel closer to your status, I think it’s important that we all just keep our eye on the and the end goal. But I have found like this, we again, we we speak about communication, there are two golden rules to communication. And if you can apply these two things, and you can, you know, check the box and each of these things, the communication will go great. And if not, you’re going down. And the two things that I always see is, number one is timing. And number two is how you say it. And these are two things. I’ll explain a bit more. Number one timing, which is Is this the right time to have this conversation? And usually the answer is no. I’m in a rush, my wife’s in a rush, we’re both exhausted. There’s a lot going on with this, you name it. And we get so caught an urgency things have to happen. Now, like we say, we didn’t know you for 20 years, like it doesn’t have to happen like right now. So I find that timing, if we can get the timing right, all of a sudden, you take a tense moment, or something that needs to be spoken about. And you find the right timing, you know, two days later, or a next morning, have a cup of coffee. It can be awesome. Number two is how you say it. You know, we all know that when we communicate, it’s not just the words we say it’s all the other things going on the body language, voice, the eyebrows, the whole. And what I find is that when I’m communicating, am I communicating in a way which is loving, warm, connecting again, that’s both in my words, and in everything else going on in my communication or not? If I all of a sudden show up in a conversation, and now I’m speaking in a language of like real attack mode. And my body language is like you know, I’m really upset and you can see it my eyebrows and my arms. Like this thing is a disaster waiting to happen. So what I find is that great communication if you could check the box and these two things, you’ll find that so many conversations that you need to have with your spouse that you can’t avoid having with your spouse can really lead to way more connection. But if you try and skip over these two things, it’s only going to usually make things much worse.
Matthew Hoffman 30:11
Jerremy Newsome 30:15
I was laughing not because you’re incorrect. I just love how correct you are dropping, absolute gold nuggets. Because for me, I absolutely agree. Like it’s very easy to pick a fight from both from both parties. And I scroll through Instagram every now and then, you know if I’m bored for three or four minutes, and I like reels I like relationships and kind of picking on each other. There’s plenty of like these when a woman’s picking a fight for the man just because she wants to. And vice versa, like hey, let me pick a fight with my wife like it happens. But I’ll say this, most fights really explode because someone is playing a victim and it’s all the other person’s fault. And so whatever’s happening it’s the other person’s fault. And no one takes ownership. So one of the things that my wife is amazing at she mind Judos me all the time. And she’ll say, tell me what I’m not seeing.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 32:24
Jerremy Newsome 32:25
And she’s right? So, she’s assuming full responsibility. And she’ll she’ll put it all on her. And when a disagreement on something, she will truly break down and just say those words, and I will try think of like, alright, well, what is she not seeing? And then I’m like, Well, you didn’t see the fact that I didn’t tell you the thing. So technically, right? So we always try our best to start from whoever is fighting. It’s my fault to begin with. I’m gonna take full ownership. There’s a book called Extreme Ownership. And meaning like if you’re the leader, everything is your fault. And I actually liked that approach. So if you claim to be the leader of the House, wife or husband, it’s your fault. What am I not seeing? what I do wrong? Let’s fix this. Let’s fix this problem. And so when you reverse that blame and just take ownership, Extreme Ownership, it changes very quickly, because it probably is your fault. Yeah.
Kimberly Hoffman 33:29
Matthew Hoffman 33:30
Yeah. I love that. Because
Kimberly Hoffman 33:32
Matthew Hoffman 33:33
Yeah, everybody. When I talked to couples or individuals, they say, Well, my husband, my husband, my wife, right?
Jerremy Newsome 33:39
Matthew Hoffman 33:39
First thing people want to do is point that finger and say it’s them. And, you know, I was chatting with somebody today and they were talking about you know, that you know that this is a man talking about his woman, you know, walks the Earth. She doesn’t she doesn’t she isn’t she won’t. And I was like, Wow, that sounds pretty nucular. You know all about these bad things she’s doing and I can’t help you with what she is or isn’t doing. But let’s talk about what you’re doing or what you’re not doing right? We can only control what’s in our own sphere. And I think that when we’re angry and upset, we seem that the blinders come on, and we kind of miss that. And so that’s great advice, Jerremy.
Jerremy Newsome 34:22
So Yosef, is a man’s role in a relationship different from a woman’s? would you believe that they each have different roles or a similar role? And who takes responsibility?
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 34:56
Jerremy, you got something?
Jerremy Newsome 34:58
I will say this. I will say this My man and I know what you’re thinking. And I feel like we probably have this the same answer is I don’t think those roles are defined by outside societal standpoint, I think they’re going to be defined by just having a good conversation upfront. Pre-marriage, early marriage, what should we do? Who’s good at what? And those things are going to change? The my wife literally had that conversation last night, it was really good conversation of Oh, wow, I didn’t know that. Like, yeah, let’s make that let’s make that pretty big shift in how we do business. Going forward. We figured out over the last year and a half, one particular way of doing business isn’t working out that great. So let’s let’s just stop doing it that way. And do it this way. Meeting, that role literally shifted overnight. Because we had to add we had the conversation is going to be different for each couple. I do not believe that. It’s like wife should cook clean. Take care of the kids and husbands you go out and work that can that can work. Awesome. If someone wants that, but let’s have that conversation. A lot of my my men that I work with, from like a day trading stock market perspective, they’re like, oh, we’ll make a bunch of money. So my wife doesn’t have to work? Have you asked her? Like, maybe she wants to work? Maybe she likes going out and doing things and leaving the house and like, you know, creating, and building and stuff, maybe she wants that, meaning have those conversations, every single couple will be you different. And and those roles do need to be clearly defined, because there’s absolutely roles. For sure. It’s ying and yang, black and white. It is not 50/50, it’s 0/ 100, sometimes. Sometimes you can do 50/50, sometimes you get 80/20. But we need to figure out who’s doing what, at what point at what season and what timeframe.
Kimberly Hoffman 36:43
Sure. Back to communication, intentional communication. And also really, you know, asking those questions, not just once, and you’re done. But always checking back in months later. How are we doing? What are we doing? I have we have the roles changed? How do we redefine the roles, because you’re right life, life changes, right, it happens, life happens. And sometimes we’re throwing curveballs. And so again, we’re back to intentionally speaking to each other about what those roles look like?
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 37:18
And I wanted to add on what Jerremy said, which I agree 100% That of course, there has to be rules. But I think even more than that, if you don’t have the conversation, what I see a lot in my work is it leads to lots of resentment. Because you just assume certain things. And, you know, let’s take Jerremy’s case of this, you know, the stockbroker, and I want to just, you know, works, my wife is like, well, maybe she wants to, and if she doesn’t get a chance to express herself, she may get really resentful, and really frustrated. Now, here you are bringing in tons of money. And she’s really unhappy. Well, you know why she’s unhappy, because she’s stuck having to do a certain something, which is not what she wants to be doing. So I find that a lot of times that we kind of like, this is the roles that we’re in, whether we just fall into them or society says these are the roles, and then like, we just go with that forever. And I end up seeing that leads to a lot of resentment. And when there’s resentment in marriage, forget about it.
Matthew Hoffman 38:21
Resentment doesn’t work for anybody. It’s like a poison you drink again and again and again, when you’re not letting it go. Right. And I think, you know, the reason we kind of asked that question, and you know, I think there is there is not a one size fits all roles and responsibilities. I think Jerremy hinted to this, and Yosef, you hit it as well. It’s really customized. It’s like what works for you? You can’t take somebody else’s role and responsibilities and go, Well, that’s what men do. So that’s what I’m doing. Because if it doesn’t work for you, meaning you haven’t had the conversation or haven’t had the discussion, then it’s like, what does it look like what works best and things do change over time, we have three kids too, out of the house, we just have one who’s got his own unique set of needs, how we handle that changes day to day, week to week, month to month, you know, Brene Brown says, you know, she comes home, she’s like, Alright, honey, I had a pisser of a day, I got nothing, you’re gonna have to pick up the slack on X, Y, and Z, even though I normally do that, right. It’s the communication around needs and changing in the moment. And I love Jerremy that you said we just redefined something last night. It happens all the time. And having that flexibility, so there’s not a one size fits all. This is right, that’s wrong, what works for you and how do you tailor it and communicate it because you can’t read minds and whenever I try, I fail, and I miss work. And so I love that. So we we have 14 pillars, we’ve talked about them a little bit of the qualities that we think are most important in a relationship and then Different people have different foci on Hey, this is number one for me. But Jerremy, I’m curious as you look across that list, which one do you either find that you have used the most? Or do you think that men maybe need to do a better job at so they can have that relationship that they desire to have? What’s What’s something that you think is the right focus or that’s worked for you? Which pillar speaks to you most?
Jerremy Newsome 40:27
Totally. And we’ve mentioned the three C’s a lot, right? Commitment, communication, conflict resolution. So we’ve really discussed those three. And the one I would say that I have used a decent amount, and I feel like my wife would agree that we are pretty comfortable with is the 14th, which is fun and humor. I mean, like money, we’re business, all the stuff, all the things like wait a minute, life is supposed to be pretty fun. We’re supposed to have a pretty decently awesome time. Worst case scenario, we should laugh, and enjoy ourselves as often as possible. And a lot of people are too flippin serious, dude. They really are. You know. So it’s like, I would love doing fun, silly, ridiculous things ever. So often, I’ll go into a comedy club every now and then I have one of the tenants that I live by as Ernest Hemingway, his quote is everything in moderation, including moderation. Every now and then we’ll go a little wild. Right? I think you should, every now and then you can do whatever you want, as extreme as you wanted to go with it. And have some fun that is supposed to be fun to always work in the kids is like, do things that are unique and cool and interesting and little unique, if you will, and just have fun with it.
Kimberly Hoffman 41:51
Sure, it gives oxygen to relationships.
Jerremy Newsome 41:54
Kimberly Hoffman 41:54
Fun. laughing together really does.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 41:59
Okay, so Jerremy got to me first here. Okay?
Jerremy Newsome 42:02
You’re gonna do the same one. Nice dude.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 42:04
I will tell you that what again, what I’ve seen personally, and what I’ve seen with couples is that marriages are amazing, and getting really old and really serious, very fast. And like, there was the beginning there was fun, there was joking around there was going out of our way to do great things together. And what I find is that people just lose track of that really fast. And, or they get they do it like with like their kids. You know, it’s like a family thing. But forget the kids. Like what about the marriage. And what I find the you know, let’s say we speak about, like a basic, you know, part of like, you know, every really every marriage should have a date night or something along those lines, people usually do something, you know, serious, let’s go for dinner. And let’s, I find that couples lose that spark of Let’s laugh together. Let’s do something fun together, let’s do something which is, you know, maybe even a bit childish. But when you get a couple, and the longer they’re married, the more magic it creates, you can get a couple to really laugh together, have fun together, do something creative together. It is just awesome to see how it lifts them up in such a powerful manner. And people are really mediocre at this. And I think it’s a major problem. And there are so many things available. We live in a world today where it’s like, anywhere you live, there’s so many things you can do that if you were dating, or you’re back in high school, you would find all those things. Find them now.
Kimberly Hoffman 43:51
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 43:52
And when people can infuse that, you know, as we all know, life can have many things that can throw our way which can be serious and overwhelming, and really stressful. But nice to get a couple to kind of check out of that and laugh and have fun together and get their mind off of things and really feel close. It’s like gold.
Kimberly Hoffman 44:13
I agree with you. It’s like magic.
Matthew Hoffman 44:15
I love that.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 44:18
So either one of you can take this question first. And my question that I want to know from you is what’s been your biggest aha moment in your relationship, your biggest learning moment in the relationship?
Jerremy Newsome 44:41
Biggest learning moment. I think I think my initial the initial answer that came to mind was pretty early in our relationship. And it was a time where we were doing this like panel together, essentially. And I was asked the question what’s what’s your meaning of life? What’s the meaning of life Life is an insert, answer. And my answer was the pursuit of happiness. That’s my meaning of life. And my wife looked at me and said, Are you tired of pursuing? Like, damn? Yeah, I am. So I find, I find, I find ways to just be happy. Now. When I say find ways, I mean, I do my absolute best just to ask myself what I want to do. When do I want to do it, I just go do that. Either selfishly, or unselfishly, selfishly, meaning I’m just pouring into myself, and I’m just having a good old time by myself. And unselfishly I really want to go hang out my kids at the park, and I want to take my son out of school, I took my son out of school for three days, the counselors called they’re all upset. They’re like, Oh, I know, I told him in advance, but whatever they do work on and check in. But I wanted my son to be with me for three days, because I went to a stock trading conference, I want him to come with me. So I brought him with me during their Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, stock trading conference. So all those things being said, I think for a lot of people, they do forget that marriage relationships, they’re supposed to be happy. They’re supposed to add value to your life, not subtract, if you’re miserable and upset, you kind of hate everything, you’re doing something wrong. So figure out a way to readjust.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 46:28
Well, I would say that I think one of the biggest realizations that I came to was that my own personal well being, if that’s not strong, the first person is going to really severely impact is my spouse. And if I’m not happy, my professional life, if I’m not a healthy guy, as far as you know, my physical health is concerned, like, if I am living a life where I am depleted in many different fronts, no matter how great my intentions are, and no matter how much I love my wife, I am going to get the mediocre, you know, spouse of the Year Award, no problem. And what I found was that the world of, you know, I’ll put it very global, but really self care to make sure I’m thriving at work, I am feeling good about myself, I am doing things that I enjoy, that if I don’t invest in myself in that way to make sure that I am up and running in a strong manner. I’m not going to be anything to my spouse. And even more than that, all the things I don’t want to be, I’m actually going to start getting pretty good at quite fast. And I think when it came to that realization, that really gave me a chicken that kind of, you know, to really look at my own life outside of my marriage to figure out how I could just come to the table, you know, in a much better way.
Kimberly Hoffman 48:06
Yeah, Yosef. If I love that, you said that because we are actually going to do a special episode much like this episode on self-care. Because if you aren’t present in mind, body and spirit, you’re not taking care of yourself, your own needs, you can’t show up for your partner, you can’t be your best for your partner.
Matthew Hoffman 48:25
Yeah, you can’t pour from that empty cup. A lot of people either do it to access and they’re selfish, or they don’t do it enough. Because they say, Well, gosh, if I do this for me, it means I’m doing something for myself. And I can’t do that. And finding that balance is huge. So you guys have been fantastic with your time and your your desire to share the nuggets and pearls from your experience. Before we find out where people can reach you if they want to connect, I’d like to end with each of you think about and here comes the question. What’s the biggest lever that a man can push, pull and use right now, to get the biggest impact in their relationship? Someone said, Dude, I need to know what’s the one thing I got to do? Or what’s the one thing I can start? Start? Right? It’s not there’s no silver bullet for just one thing. But what thing and the relationship is going to give a man the greatest leverage to have the most impact now with their spouse with their wife, but their partner and either of you can go first on that, but I do want to hear from both of you.
Jerremy Newsome 49:37
All right, I got the I got an answer for me. This helps me and I know for a fact that will help 85% of the male population. No alcohol for a period of time and be in silence more frequently. No alcohol. Cut out your life for a period of time doesn’t be forever, man. But come on. Give me three months of no booze please and then silence, people pray Matthew, they’re praying for like, what, three minutes, two minutes, 80 seconds, 20 seconds, five seconds a day, maybe before they go to sleep. Set an alarm, 20 minutes, go to silence, go somewhere in your house, go outside and nature, no phone and do something where it’s nothing, no noise, no wife, no kids, it’s just you. Because one of my quotes is in silence We hear the most. And that’s the time where everything can collect, you can calm down, and you can start feeling these emotions. Because you’re using a lot of men are using alcohol as a suppressant to suppress those emotions. And or actually feel those motions, but they’re doing it the wrong way. So do those two things, your life will change forever.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 50:41
Whoa, nice. I would add, like this. And this one I’ve seen, I guess, myself, and I see this a lot with a lot of research. You got to figure out a way of how to start infusing your marriage with gratitude. Become an expert at showing your spouse, how much you appreciate them. And I don’t mean just you just feeling that that’s an important part of it. But expressing that. And that doesn’t mean lavish vacations, you know, nonstop gifts, there are so many things that we can do on a small daily basis. And even forget daily basis, three times a week, figure out a way of how you can go out of your way to proactively express gratitude to your wife, it may be a small gift. It may be a beautiful text message. It may be, you know, a close hug with some beautiful words when you come home, I don’t know but in the world of action, and begin to infuse gratitude. And I will say even more than that. Not in a general way. Like oh, you’re amazing why. Okay, be specific, tack it onto something. And I find that we can start becoming people that are looking for those opportunities. And more importantly, when you see those opportunities, finding ways of how to express that it begins to create an upward spiral that can lead to many more good things.
Matthew Hoffman 52:18
Great advice, and something we ascribe to, Wow.
Matthew Hoffman 52:22
Fantastic stuff from both of you. Today. Yosef, if people want to connect with you find you talk to you, where should they go?
Jerremy Newsome 52:30
Like me. Where am I going?
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 52:34
Probably two ways, as far as you know, this little topic of marriage. Number one is my book, which you can find Amazon called Now the Partnership. And that book is really touched on a lot of things that we spoke about here today, which is probably things that all of us really agree on. And number two is I run basically a proactive marriage mastermind group, which is really helping couples take all the things that we know we should be doing. And actually doing them I always tell the people in the group, I said, you’re not going to hear anything new that you haven’t heard before. The question is, why are you doing these things, and therefore, let’s make these things a part of your life. So that you can find on my website, more information about that. But those are probably the two areas of where you can find me and contact me.
Matthew Hoffman 53:29
Beautiful. And Jerremy, how do people get some of that, infectious energy that you have?
Jerremy Newsome 53:36
Thanks, man. Best way to try and track me down is just find me on any social media platform. Again, first name is Phil two R’s. My dad’s name was Jerry so stands for Jerry and me. So Jerremy with two R’s. And just shoot me a message on a Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, whatever use Facebook have a really great team that will make sure that I get the message and they they block all the random messages, and then they send me the good ones. And I always respond. Usually within 24 hours, just shoot me a message and I’ll be happy to connect with whoever messaged me back. And then regarding content, me and my business partner who’s a woman Her name is Brittany Turner. She’s having a new baby and she just got married recently, we have a podcast together called broke to woke. It’s entirely free to really great podcasts on all the podcast platforms. And I know people like your listeners, they love podcast and you to create an amazing podcast and that’s a great way to listen and to learn and to grow as adults and everything so it’s all good.
Kimberly Hoffman 54:35
Thank you. Well, you guys have had incredible energy today. I love it. You have shown up you’ve given us some great pearls of wisdom and thank you for being there for our listeners today.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 54:48
It’s been an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much.
Matthew Hoffman 54:50
Had a lot of fun with you guys can’t wait to share it and we just want you to remember one thing as we all sign off today,
Kimberly Hoffman 54:57
happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.
Dr. Rabbi Yosef Lynn 55:15
There you go.