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ariel, relationship, kyle, business, person, communication, feel, couples, commitment, marriage, appreciation, hear, important, growing, people, married, life, learned, conflict, communicate
Ariel Tresch, Matthew Hoffman, Kimberly Hoffman, Kyle Tresch
Matthew Hoffman 13:24
Welcome back, everybody to the Kickass Couples Podcast. We are excited to have a prince and princess with us today. So aptly named as we were previously talking on the on our podcast today, we want to welcome Kyle and Ariel Tresch. We’re so glad to have you guys with us today.
Kyle Tresch 14:09
We’re so glad to be here. especially with that introduction. Watch out.
Matthew Hoffman 14:13
You got to own your awesomeness, right? We’re just talking about it. We’d like to start off with one question. I’d love to hear from both of you and Ariel if you don’t mind starting, I’m gonna look to you, first. I’d like to know what do you think makes you and Kyle a KICKASS couple?
Ariel Tresch 14:29
So I would say that one of the things that we really, I guess own about our relationship is the fact that we have a really high degree of appreciation for each other. Like we are consistently acknowledging each other and telling each other like that we love each other on a really consistent basis to the point it almost gets a little gross. Like we’re constantly giving, like words of affirmation and appreciation to the other person. And I think that has been one of the things that has stood out the most to other people around us as well as to us even seeing other relationships and things like that. and looking at ours, that’s one thing that I’m most proud of in our relationship.
Kyle Tresch 15:04
That’s good. And then for me, I would say, along the same lines of that. We approach everything that we do as a unit. So whether we are growing businesses, or we are going to the gym, or we are developing ourselves, both personally or professionally, we do it as a unit, we do it together, we set goals together, we achieve goals together, and everything in our life, whether it’s long range plans to what we’re going to eat tomorrow, everything is planned out to include the other person.
Matthew Hoffman 15:32
Kimberly Hoffman 15:33
Yeah, unity is actually one of our pillars. And we feel it’s very essential in a relationship. So way to go.
Ariel Tresch 15:43
Thank you, we get a gold star.
Kimberly Hoffman 15:45
Matthew Hoffman 15:46
Kimberly Hoffman 15:46
We believe that our history, it plays a really important role in what we bring to a relationship. So I always say we have a little bit of grandpa in our bones. And I’d love to know from you, Kyle, what did love look like when you were growing up? How was it expressed in your family when you were a child?
Kyle Tresch 16:08
Wow, great, great question. And because I think we ourselves, have seen the effects of how love was portrayed at a young age to how it actually carries over to now. So put simply, I was very blessed to be born in a house where divorce wasn’t an option. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that there wasn’t a lot of chaos and a lot of fights, if I can be honest. So I love my parents, I love the ethics and values that they instilled in me. But a long time when I was growing up, I saw a lot of fights, a lot of crazy craziness, a lot of chaos, a lot of insulting a lot of resentment that was built up between the two of them. So when I approached the opportunity to marry Ariel, I knew obviously, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to approach our relationship from a day to day basis from a standard of appreciation, not letting resentment build up, not letting unforgiveness tear away the intimacy of a relationship. And, yeah, I think it’s Tony Robinson says you have to thank your parents for both the good and the bad thing. So honestly, I’m grateful for every experience of that.
Kimberly Hoffman 17:11
Sure, we do bring a lot of that, what we learned and what was modeled to us to the next relationship. So I appreciate you saying that you really realize that is something you did not want to bring into your relationship. And you learned from it. I imagine that was difficult, though, because when that’s modeled for us, we just sort of automatically portray those things, because that’s just what we learned. Did you have any difficulties in when you were first married, bringing some of those traits to the relationship?
Kyle Tresch 17:45
You know, it’s a great question, because I also have to say to that, I did learn a lot of good things as well, from my parents, like, for example, my dad is a very serving servant hearted person who does look to care. And he’s very loyal to my mom. And I would say I carried that piece. But also, some of the challenges that I had early on was not reacting from an emotional place when certain things would go wrong, or the bigger thing is not blaming the other person anytime something goes wrong. Now, I’m not saying I’m perfect in this just for everybody that’s watching and I still screw up at this. Sometimes we’re gonna catch myself, like, stressed out and then looking to blame my wife for some of the chaos that goes on in our life. I had to stop myself and say, No, it’s that’s just that’s just either old programming, or just me just reacting in a very immature way to the point where I don’t do that as much. So that I would say that was the earlier challenges early on was just not putting any sort of blame towards her.
Matthew Hoffman 18:41
Sure. Kyle, that was a great response. I know that.
Kimberly Hoffman 19:31
Ariel, I’d love to ask you the same question. How was love modeled for you when you were a child and when you were growing up as a young adult?
Ariel Tresch 19:42
Yeah. So I like he said, I like this question and it’s rather different from Kyle. So I actually did come from a household that was quite honestly full of divorce. My mom had divorced my dad and then they got remarried and they divorced again. And then she married my stepfather so there was a lot of separation that happened. And even even now like growing up, that is something that I look back on. And it’s something that has definitely shaped the way in which I viewed relationships. I always tell Kyle, I always tell anybody, even when we got married, I was I was never the little girl who wanted to get married, I was always like, I’m going to do it on my own, I don’t need I don’t need no man, I don’t need anything like that. And it was actually interesting, because based on what I saw, it was a lot of separation, a lot of division in our household. And again, I love my parents love my family and love that, like he said, The the values that they instilled in me, and it definitely, I would say has given me a lot of strengths as well. But seeing the division and the fighting and the resentment, and specifically, you know, my mom struggled with a lot of forgiveness, she held grudges very strongly. And that was something that in our relationship, that was probably the biggest thing that I struggled with is when we first got together, any sort of conflict was like the world was ending. Our relationship was over. Like if there was any sort of like conflict, or even like, we never fought very much. But even when we had like, some tension, I was like, He’s leaving me, it’s over, I did something wrong, it was very, like abandonment focus, like he was going to leave. And I did something wrong. And therefore I was going to put up a wall and completely like stonewall him. And so that was the biggest thing that I experienced in our relationship to begin with. And I think the biggest strength that it gave me though, is being able to recognize that, I guess, behavior in people because I could see it so clearly and others to where it was kind of blind to me at first until in our relationship, that was something that Kyle actually highlighted to me in a very in a positive way. He was like, I just want to let you know, like, whenever we have a conflict, like it’s, it’s not over like it’s not, there’s nothing wrong that with our relationship, there’s nothing wrong with us, this is just normal, this is just what happens. And that took me a really long time to actually view conflict that way and actually be accustomed to, you know, dealing with our issues versus running and hiding from it.
Kyle Tresch 22:10
Yeah, it was funny in our early stages, seeing how the differences of our backgrounds actually play into our marriage, my family, they would like fight and then like forgive the night of. It would be like crazy fireworks and then towards the end
Kyle Tresch 22:24
Kyle Tresch 22:24
And they would be like, alright, so where are we going to eat? You know?
Kimberly Hoffman 22:26
Kyle Tresch 22:27
For Ariel, it was like they would fight and their family would just not talk to each other for weeks on it.
Ariel Tresch 22:31
Kyle Tresch 22:31
So that difference of conflict resolution was very interesting in our relationship. Because yeah, we would have like a tussle or whatever like that, like, you know, disagreement, and I’ll be over in like, 30 minutes, and then Ariel would be over in the corner worrying that like, oh, it’s all over, that’s it, I was leaving. And yeah, we had to work through that for sure. On both ends, for sure.
Ariel Tresch 22:50
Matthew Hoffman 22:50
That’s great. Well, so that kind of leads naturally into our three C’s, which are commitment, communication and conflict resolution. And Kyle I’d like start with you. And I’d like to hear from you. What does commitment look like in your relationship with Ariel?
Kyle Tresch 23:03
Ariel Tresch 23:03
I like these questions.
Ariel Tresch 23:03
What a great question.
Kyle Tresch 23:06
Yeah me too. Have you guys have done this before?
Kimberly Hoffman 23:09
Just a few times.
Kyle Tresch 23:10
Just a couple times,Yeah. So what commitment looks like to me is a day to day choice it to put Ariel first. Now, here’s where I’m gonna disagree with the majority of relationship advice out there. A lot of people just denigrate marriage too. It’s a decision. It’s an obligation. It’s a choice. And that’s all that they say. And they think that that makes them high and mighty. Where I disagree with them slightly on that is yes, it is a choice. However, it’s not just a commitment to stay married and tough it out like it says obligate obligatory contract. A commitment is a commitment to stay in love. Its to bring up the emotional feelings of gratitude, appreciation and love while I’m committed to doing what I can on a day to day basis to serve her and to consider her best needs in mind. So that’s what I would say.
Matthew Hoffman 23:55
That’s beautiful. Yeah, man, you nailed that.
Kimberly Hoffman 23:59
You nailed it.
Matthew Hoffman 23:59
It sounds like; Do you have a que card somewhere Kyle or no, okay.
Kyle Tresch 24:08
This is something we’re passionate about. Like even with our business “Couplepreneurs”, like one of the things we want to stand out against is this idea that marriage is either what one extreme of marriage is you just do whatever feels good. And if it doesn’t feel good, like it doesn’t serve you cut it out, like that’s obviously wrong. And then on the other end is like marriage is a commitment. It’s a decision. It’s a contract, it’s hard, blah, blah, blah, blah, or like No, like both of those sides are extreme. So we want to set an example, especially for the younger generation, that you can have a happy, thriving relationship that is both committed, as well as feeling good in the process.
Matthew Hoffman 24:40
Absolutely great concept. Ariel, how would you add to that? What would you say about what does commitment look like to you and your relationship?
Ariel Tresch 24:48
I really have nothing to add. And like you said, this is something that we talk about very frequently, like even when even amongst each other like the we always do it like he said as love is not an obligation. It’s a commitment to coming back to the feeling of love. And and that’s the biggest thing. And it does take a level of self awareness, it does take a level of like personal responsibility, of course. So it’s not always the easiest thing. But for us, like we look at it, as you know, we are on the same team. And so when we are committed to each other, like, again, it’s not just a contractual agreement, it’s not just a piece of paper that says, hey, we’re married, and we’re going to, we’re going to stick it out, it’s actually making sure that we love each other, but we actually like each other too. So we have to always come back to that feeling of love. Even when, you know, in that moment, there’s a little bit of tension, there’s a little bit of, you know, friction, we have to figure out what you know, remind ourselves, what is it that I actually like about this person, as a whole, not just in this exact moment, right now, when I’m feeling a certain way, but how do I, why do I actually love this person? What am I grateful for? And looking at that relationship as a whole? And actually, again, coming back to the feeling of love?
Matthew Hoffman 25:51
Yeah, I like what you say like, because that, you know, love is, you know, you have to like somebody before you can love them. And you gotta like spending and that really refers to I think what we call the friendship system, right? And the friendship system, if that’s strong and mature, and really well developed, I like to be with this person, I want to do things with this person. And I love them because of all these things. The love is a result of that. It’s not I love them, but oh, man, I really don’t like them. And you’re when you have to remember that in the midst of something that you say, well, I may not like this behavior right now. But doesn’t mean I don’t like them or love them. Because that’s a much broader concept made up of our whole body of work. So I appreciate you bringing that up. And that’s important.
Ariel Tresch 26:36
Yeah. Can I add something to that very quickly?
Matthew Hoffman 26:38
Ariel Tresch 26:39
So this might be a little detached from commitment. But just speaking about the concept of, you know, finding your way back to the feeling of love, and what do I actually like and love about this person? We have a concept and I forget who initially use this term. But I heard it once from a like a life coach of some sort. But they said, when you look at your relationship, think in terms of ecosystems. And I come from, like, a scientific background. So this really spoke to me, but when I look at Kyle, like, again, some of the things like the little, you know, the little quirks that you know, can get a little irritating, you know, when you’re in a relationship, a committed relationship, I always view it as ecosystems, right. So even though Kyle is a very creative person, his brain is sometimes like moving a million miles an hour. And sometimes he’s like, running past me in terms of like, when he’s talking and thinking, and he’s, he’s a million miles ahead of me, and I’m just trying to catch up. But some, and sometimes I can get frustrated, like, Hey, we’re having a conversation, like, don’t, don’t just do to speed ahead. But then I look at it, and I’m like, but the way his brain works allows him to also move very quickly in business. It allows him to see a variety of different, you know, options in the world and bring them all together. And it allows him to have the creativity and the gifts that he has. So I have to look at, he might have some, you know, quote unquote, weaknesses that I might view as weaknesses in that moment. But usually, on a flip side, there’s a strength that I also love in that at the same time. So I like to think in terms of ecosystems like that.
Kimberly Hoffman 26:39
Kyle Tresch 28:07
Yeah, so an application that anybody who is watching or listening, if there’s something about your spouse that just drives you nuts, most of the time, there is an equal and opposite strength that is associated with that trait that is driving you nuts.
Matthew Hoffman 28:19
Kyle Tresch 28:20
And the associated strength of that trait, it actually allows us to appreciate our spouse, even with the things they do that drive us nuts,
Kimberly Hoffman 28:20
Kimberly Hoffman 28:28
That’s awesome. You’re looking for the good in each other, for the positive in each other. We all have negatives. I mean, let’s face it, we’re all human, we’re all gonna make mistakes, and we’re all going to irritate each other. But if we look at people and really look to see the good, and, you know, look and be grateful for the good as well, it just you just see this whole different person.
Matthew Hoffman 28:54
Yeah, and another thing I’ll share with you guys, you brought that up. I love that also kinda get when we’re finding fault in something. Or if you’re thinking, Man, I have a problem with this. It usually in somebody else, it usually means that something you struggle with yourself, right? Because you’re going I can’t stand it. It really drives me crazy. When you do and say this. Well, it’s usually a comment about us that we have to reflect back and go, Well, wait a minute, you know, and why is that issue so important to me? And why is that a trigger for me? And what do I need to dig and understand about myself? Because it’s not about, hey, you got to change something. So I’m okay with it. It’s usually I’ve got to change my perception of what it is or understand it, and accept you one way or the other, regardless of that specific behavior. And I think you guys brought that out. In your example.
Kimberly Hoffman 29:41
Definitely. The second of our three C’s is communication, and boy, is that a big one. You know, effective communication with our spouse is critical in a relationship. And I’d love to hear from you Ariel, how do you communicate with Kyle, how do you make time to communicate, with Kyle.
Ariel Tresch 30:01
Yeah. So I can come at this from two ways. So first of all, in terms of you just said, making time to communicate. One of the things that we, I would say, kind of struggled with in the beginning of our relationship is, you know, we’re both business owners. And when we first like we’ve been business owners, the majority of our relationship, and in the beginning, like when we first got married, business kind of took over our life. And so what ended up happening especially on my part is, I have a tendency sometimes to get like borderline obsessive with things like I can get, like, so focused on something that I can forget everything else around me. And we’re in the beginning of our marriage, actually, I was so focused on my business that I had kind of put our relationship in the communication that we had on the back burner. So it was not until Kyle like made me aware of this, he was like, you know, hey, I kind of, you know, in a sense, like, he felt like he was competing with the business, for my attention. So with that, in mind, communication has been something that we have at had to actively make time for. Because when you’re doing a lot of things, you anybody who’s listening, if you have a family, if you have kids, if you have a business, if you have you know, jobs, you’re doing things all day long, nobody is not busy, in a sense. But to actually be able to make time to communicate is something that we have to remind ourselves of consistently, because otherwise we can, it’s very easy to let other things in our life take over. So that would be the first thing in terms of making time for it. Now, going back to communication for me, like with my family, communication was not modeled the best for me again, especially because conflict was something to be avoided. So whenever I was feeling a certain way, I, the first thing I would do is I would just shut it shut it down. And I wouldn’t bring it to his attention. And I really had to learn how to actually communicate and share what I was feeling, share my vulnerability, share it, share the things that were on my mind, without viewing it as something that was going to, you know, lead to further conflict. So communication is something that we’ve had to work both from a time perspective, but also from a for me how to actually share what I’m feeling and not feel like it’s gonna be, quote unquote, wrong in some way, shape or form.
Kimberly Hoffman 32:09
Yeah. How about you, Kyle, do you have anything to, to add to your communication style with each other?
Kyle Tresch 32:16
Well, I will say it definitely has improved over the years, you know, with Ariel, not necessarily being so prone to sharing her feelings. I find it almost like my responsibility to kind of like, give her the permission to let that out and and know that she can express herself and feel completely safe, like she’s not going to be judged or ridiculed or criticized or anything like that. So there’s that one piece, then on a more practical sense, because we are a “Couplepreneurs”, like That’s our whole thing, right? We work with other entrepreneur couples, helping them scale their businesses. We’ve actually had to take a lot of what we learned in , in growing businesses and apply that towards our marital communications. What that looks like is, you know, if you’ve been a part of a corporation or a business, you know that there are weekly meetings, there are daily check ins, there are quarterly staff meetings, you have these like, regimented meetings. Why because the better the communication is amongst an organization, the better that organization is going to perform. Marriage is the same way. So what we actually did to really improve ourselves from going from having a lot of tension early on in our marriage to just now like communicating better than ever, is we put in very regimented very strict times where every single morning we check in with each other, like, what are the priorities for the day? What are the meetings today? Where do I need to be? Where do you need to be where like, when are we both going to the gym? When are we both on separate meetings? And that way
Ariel Tresch 33:39
When are we going to like, you know, if we’re off doing our separate things, when are we going to come together is something that we have to make sure we dial in.
Kyle Tresch 33:40
Yeah, and basically, and yes, we do that once a day. We have weekly strategy meetings, where we look at all of the things that we’re doing in business, all the things our clients are doing. And essentially what this does, is it allows us to stay on the same page. And for everybody watching, if you’re not, if you don’t have something like this in place, we would highly suggest it. Because when you don’t have communication, the lack of communication creates room for future resentment, and that future resentment builds because expectations are not being fulfilled by the other person. Why? Because those expectations weren’t communicated in the first place. So we’re very, we take it very, very seriously. And I think as a result, instituting these different practices, we’ve seen a huge lift in our quality of our relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 34:26
I mean, Kyle you can’t read Ariel’s mind.
Kimberly Hoffman 34:26
Yeah, I appreciate you sharing that with our listeners. I love hearing your intentionality about the way that you communicate with each other. And I think enough couples don’t do that. They don’t build that time into the relationship to plan and to be very intentional about spending time together and effectively communicating.
Kimberly Hoffman 34:29
I’m getting very close.
Matthew Hoffman 34:31
It’s funny because, you know, it was interesting when you talked about those gaps right when there’s gap of communication, we all have a bad habit of creating a story. Oh, she didn’t say something about that, she must think this, she must feel that. And if she feels that, well, that makes me feel this way. So we create these sub texts that don’t exist because the communication isn’t occurring. And I love what you said about that. And being intentional about the communication is critical. And it sounds like you guys have some great tools in place. And we’ve heard a lot of couples, we interviewed a couple on the west coast of Florida. And they have clients as well. And they talked about, we have to have the same practices from our business, what makes a good business? What makes is what makes a good relationship? And vice versa? If it works, well over here, how come you don’t use it over there as well? It’s not, it doesn’t change value and relatedness I love hearing that from from both of you. And that kind of leads into our third C which is conflict resolution. And I’d love to hear Ariel, from you. How do you guys handle conflict when there is disagreement? What do you do? And what what have you learned in your relationship with how to make how to navigate those waters?
Ariel Tresch 36:08
Yeah, so the first thing is, we we say we don’t fight. And that’s not to say like, Oh, we’re perfect. It’s just to say that fight has a very negative connotation and has a very like, heated like, angry connotation to me. So we usually like to just say we have heated debates. And our heated debates are something that, again, for me, I’ve had to learn to actually open up when it comes to conflict. And with that in mind, I think we’ve just learned over the years, what the different ways that we each view conflict again, for me, it was the world is ending for Kyle, if he’s over in 30 minutes. And I think now, because we understand that about each other, I have been much better at being able to, like not hold grudges get over things a lot faster. And I think on the other hand, he now knows that sometimes I just need time to process. So like if we do have a heated debate, it’s, you know, at that very moment, I sometimes can’t speak. And it’s not to say like, it’s not like, Hey, I don’t want to share my feelings with you right now. It’s like, I need a moment to process what’s happening. And then I can actually share what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking and that’s when we can actually move through it.
Kyle Tresch 37:16
Yeah. I would also say on my end, too, with with conflict resolution, just to piggyback on what Ariel was saying about the debates. What we have learned to do is to disagree with each other’s intellectual points without ever attacking each other’s integrity or personhood. What I mean by that is, let’s say, this actually might shock a lot of people who are listening. Ariel eats a vegan diet, and I do not. And yet, we totally respect the differences in one another. And that sounds crazy. And I use that example, because that’s an area where we might disagree on you know, some subtle nuances. But yet when we go to dinner, she’ll get a vegan diet, a vegan meal, I’ll get like, chicken or steak or whatever. And we respect the differences in one another without saying, You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re an idiot, you’re stupid. You’re like we don’t do that. And I think a lot of what we’ve learned, especially in conflict resolution that you’ll see displayed all over social media. It’s just a bunch of people pointing fingers at other people and calling names and we make it a point to never do that in our marriage.
Kimberly Hoffman 38:19
Matthew Hoffman 38:19
You got a good laugh out of us because Kyle, in this relationship. I’m a vegan,
Kimberly Hoffman 38:24
And I’m not.
Matthew Hoffman 38:24
And my wife is not.
Kyle Tresch 38:26
Matthew Hoffman 38:27
Yeah. And i’m also
Kyle Tresch 38:28
You guys are the first couple that was like that with.
Matthew Hoffman 38:30
Yeah, a little bit country a little bit rock and roll.
Kimberly Hoffman 38:33
Matthew Hoffman 38:33
But yeah, but what’s what’s so funny is we used to be in the restaurant business. So and I’m a I’m a cook, my wife would call me a chef, I say a cook. But, you know, she’s eaten a lot more vegan things because I make them taste good.
Ariel Tresch 38:45
Matthew Hoffman 38:46
I know how to do that. And then she’ll say, Man, I’m craving a steak. And I don’t I have no problem making it. It’s not a not a fear or loathing thing. So we’ve, we figured out that dance quite well. And
Kimberly Hoffman 38:58
Yeah, but I would say, you know, I was a little critical in the beginning, because it was so frustrating for me to try to figure out how to feed him. Or if we were going over to a friend’s house for dinner, how to explain that to someone. And so I would say that it took me a little while it took me a while to learn how to navigate that.
Kyle Tresch 39:16
Yeah, well obviously, you guys have figured it out.
Ariel Tresch 39:20
Kimberly Hoffman 39:20
Oh we figured it out.
Kyle Tresch 39:21
It definitely looks like at least.
Matthew Hoffman 39:22
We’ve been dancing for a while. We’re still having fun dancing. No doubt.
Kimberly Hoffman 39:28
Well, other than the three C’s, the first three that we believe are really important and most essential in a relationship. We have 11 more pillars, and I would love to hear from you, Kyle, first of the 11 pillars. Is there one that stands out to you that’s really important to you, and that resonates most with you?
Kyle Tresch 39:50
Just to be a rule breaker, can I pick two?
Kimberly Hoffman 39:53
Sure, go ahead.
Kyle Tresch 39:55
So initially, you know so we had the opportunity to take the assessment which anybody watching, if you haven’t taken that assessment, it’s really, really cool on the Kickass Couples Website. It’s fantastic. And when we took it, there was one area that I kind of, like, didn’t do so well in. And then there were other areas where I was like, Oh my gosh, like, I feel like this is like our superpower. So the one area that I did not rate myself high in an area was wise did not rate me high as well was in the patience’s category. I think an Ariel was talking earlier about the ecosystems, right, like where every weakness has a strength, patience is not something that I’m really good at. So that’s something I’m growing in so that specific pillar, I think is, for me, one of the things that I walk away with knowing Okay, I need to improve my patience. Just because I can move a million miles an hour doesn’t mean that like, that’s the right way to do it. And it does, especially with somebody who takes a little bit time to express their emotions, like that’s not going to be a good thing long term. So that’s the one thing now where I do feel like we’re very strong is in the pillar of unity. And we spoke a little bit about this earlier, but just to really hash that point down. When we approach building businesses together, and helping other couples do so the fastest way simply to build a business, when you and your significant other are both entrepreneurs is to make sure that you’re unified on where you’re going, and you’re unified on the steps that it takes to get there. This is kind of like the secret, right? A lot of people hire us for marketing, consulting, digital marketing, advertising, feedback, all that good stuff a week, you know, obviously we do that, but where our clients see the biggest results is when we are able to get them unified lock and step on the exact goal that they want to go down. Because here’s what’s fascinating. I don’t know if you guys have seen this study, they had two draft horses. I don’t know if you’ve heard of this, this study, but they have two draft horses, and they wanted to see how much weight could two draft horses pull compared to one draft horse. So they found that one draft horse could pull 8000 pounds of weight. And they figured, okay, well, if you have two draft horses, they could pull, you know, probably double that, right? But what they found out is having these they put two draft horses pulling weight that two draft horses go in the same direction can actually pull three times the weight of one, which means that there is an exponential output for having two individuals going in the same direction. And as much as that works in the laws of physics and also works in entrepreneurship. So I think that that is something that is just like core to everything we do so much so that when we teach digital advertising, we teach it using a strategy we call the Unity method. So yeah, that’s, that’s very, very important to us. And I’m so glad you guys included that in yours.
Matthew Hoffman 42:31
Yeah, synergy is important. We talked about that. And I’ve used that same example, many times about what a Clydesdale can pull how many times and how much can too and you think it’s a double. And it’s, you know, the synergy of unity is huge when you’re both pulling the same direction. And I appreciate that reference.
Kyle Tresch 42:48
Kimberly Hoffman 42:49
How about for you, Ariel, as you look at the rest of the pillars on the list, which one stands out most to you or is most important to you?
Ariel Tresch 42:59
I would say and I kind of touched on this earlier. But I would say appreciation is the biggest one that we really notice in our relationship. And so much so that like, I would say one of the things that Kyle does in our relationship that I really appreciate. But it also shows it shows me that he appreciates me is in the mornings, he will actually like put my coffee cup out by the coffeemaker, if he gets up before me. And like he’s told me like that’s just his like little trigger to remind himself in the mornings to always put me first I’m like, that’s the first thing he does is put my coffee cup out. And it’s little things like that, but show the appreciation that we have in our relationship. And again, it’s like it’s like a deep respect for each other. We respect each other as you know, husband and wife, we respect each other as business owners, we respect our each, like individual gifts and strengths. And anything that is a weakness, we can actually look at each other and understand that either we compliment each other, or, you know, those are opportunities for us to grow in. And we’re very, very growth minded, we’re very committed to like growing in the same direction. And with that in mind, it’s just nice to feel appreciated on a consistent basis and make sure that that’s a solid foundation in our relationship that we’re always coming back to.
Kyle Tresch 44:12
Yeah, every single hour. Like just naturally throughout the day. If you just followed us around, we would say something like I love you or you’re pretty or you’re hot or something just like random like it’s kind of funny like we make it a fun game, but at the same time it’s just part of our natural way of living.
Ariel Tresch 44:27
Or hey you crushed them or good job.
Kyle Tresch 44:29
Yeah, good podcast.
Kyle Tresch 44:31
So we do that just so much that I think we take it for granted but looking at it in the pillars really reflected
Ariel Tresch 44:38
Kyle Tresch 44:38
How much we love that pillar.
Kimberly Hoffman 44:40
Well if appreciation is your love language, and instead you’re getting acts of service that really doesn’t benefit you if that’s what really pushes your buttons and makes you feel good, right? So I think it’s important that if that’s your love language and what’s important to you that Kyle is showing you you those words of appreciation.
Ariel Tresch 45:02
Yes, nailed it.
Kimberly Hoffman 45:02
And vice versa.
Kyle Tresch 45:03
Matthew Hoffman 45:04
Love to hear that. And so it kind of leads naturally. We have a concept that we call overflow thinking. And we feel that the relationship in marriage or commitment if it’s not in marriage yet or hasn’t, is never going to reach that we’ve interviewed couples that are married, not married. Have been married forever or newlyweds. So it’s kind of been the whole full spectrum. But we truly believe that our relationship is the core of our life success. And we think that the strength of our relationship spills over into other areas of our lives. So I love to hear from both of you all and Kyle maybe you’ll start with on this one is how have you seen the goodness of your relationship spill over into other areas of your life?
Kyle Tresch 45:42
Well, naturally, I’ll start with the business side of things. We tell people often that when they come to us with business problems, nine times out of ten, you don’t have business problems, you actually have personal problems that just so happened to show up in your business. So when when early on in our relationship, when our like early on in our marriage, I should say, when we had some tension that came from having competing priorities, and we weren’t going on date nights, we weren’t, we felt like we were just roommates under one household, our businesses actually completely plateaued. Like they stopped generating revenue, we were stuck at a certain amount. And no matter what we did, it felt like we couldn’t, like grow past where we were. And there was one day specifically where I was like, I got done like having an argument with Ariel because I just wanted her to like, you know, you don’t do your business, just join my business, you could be like my assistant or something like that, which was not a smart idea. And this whole time, I just wanted her to be my assistant. She had her own business venture that she was growing. And it was very clear that she did not want to just, you know, be in the shadows of Kyle’s success, which I had to learn the hard way. So I remember the when all of this shifted, I was in a guest room by myself, praying out to God trying to figure out okay, how do we like fix this weird competition, this tension. I married this person, but our romance doesn’t even exists, like, what do I do? And I remember like, like praying to God, and then looking on social media, getting on my phone, and seeing a Facebook live video that Ariel was doing, and just seeing all the comments underneath all of the people that she was helping saying, oh my gosh, Ariel, thank you so much for sharing this, you’ve changed my life. And that’s like when it clicked to me. Like if I’m going to impede on Ariel’s dreams and that’s the thing that’s hurting our relationship. What if I just came to her and I supported her and I said, Hey, you know what, I recognize your talents, I recognize your gifts, let’s figure out a way to make both your dreams and my dreams a reality. I support you. I’m not going to try to force you into doing anything that you don’t want to do anymore. Let’s figure out how to make this work together. And wouldn’t you know it? Once I we came to that conclusion as a couple, you want to tell him what happened?
Ariel Tresch 47:53
Yeah. So I went from having a few clients to having 25 clients really, really quickly. And honestly, the biggest thing for me was it felt like a weight was lifted. And that was because there was this friction in our relationship for so long, that I ended up from a from a mentality standpoint, almost kind of hitting the brake in my business. You know, some subconsciously I didn’t realize I was doing this, but like hitting the brake, because I was like, Well, if I you know, if I if I hit the gas in my business, what’s going to what is that going to do to our relationship, if we’re already struggling, and my business is, is this size, you know what I mean? It’s a smaller size. And so for me, it felt like a weight was lifted. And not only did my revenue increase, my client base increase, but in addition to that, I was also like, able to feel supported and not have that friction in our relationship. And it showed up in other ways, too. I mean, we lost weight. So many things happen because they felt like there was actual support rather than competition.
Kyle Tresch 48:47
So when we put the relationship first and that was the foundation, everything else just kind of builds off. Yeah, we got healthier. We our businesses plateau like just went through the plateau, they exploded. And we felt more alive than ever before, which I think that’s really what everybody’s watching is looking for. You want to have vibrancy, you want to have aliveness and energy in your relationship and throughout every area of your life. And when the relationship component is ignored, it’s very hard to succeed in any other.
Matthew Hoffman 49:13
Yeah, that’s great. And I love what I love Kyle about what you and Ariel each shared about that overflow thinking is that you each helped enable the other one to achieve their own hopes and dreams and Kyle, you talk about I had a dream and why couldn’t she just support my dream?
Kyle Tresch 49:29
Matthew Hoffman 49:30
Kyle Tresch 49:30
Matthew Hoffman 49:31
I think that’s what I heard you saying you said as soon as I understood, man, I gotta you heard the knock and the call saying you better you can support her in achieving her dream. And as soon as that happened, a lot of weight was lifted off her it was lifted off you. And it’s so important for couples to dream together and share life dreams about whether it’s business, or whether it’s personal or whatever it is, but you have to kind of wonder and share and be aspirational. And then it’s your job you talked about earlier Kyle, I think the word you say is how can I best support her in achieving her success? And if each spouse was really prioritizing the other one and asking that question and then stepping into that for their partner, then you’re both unlimited in success and happiness and joy. And you know, you, you talk about that overflow thinking. It affects every area of your life, you said, Gosh, you know, we lost weight, we did this, we did that. So you can’t have progress in one area that doesn’t lead to the progress on the other. And that’s a beautiful example of overflow thinking. So I appreciate you both for sharing that.
Kimberly Hoffman 50:34
Yeah. This is great stuff for our listeners, because there are so many people that are in the same situation that you both are in, and they may be doing business together, they may just be working under the same roof together, but supporting each other is so freeing to each other as well. And I think that’s what really helps make us move forward in a very happy and productive way. So all right, if you could go back Kyle to your unmarried self, and give yourself one piece of advice, what would that piece of advice be?
Kyle Tresch 51:13
I would say that commitment is freedom, not restriction. Because when I, my unmarried self, just got off tour in a rock band, I was a very popular young kid, I wasn’t the most popular but I was pretty popular. I played in bands. I had a lot of talent and a lot of charisma. And therefore, I had a lot of female friends. Let’s just say that. And at the time, I thought like I didn’t want to limit my experience of this life. And I think you can fill in the blanks with what young teenage Kyle was thinking at that time. And at the time, the idea of like settling down and committing to being with one woman. I knew I wanted to do it, it felt like a nice aspirational thing to possibly dream for. But I didn’t necessarily know how I could actually do it. If I could go back and tell that person anything, I would say, Listen, your commitment to this woman who deserves 100% of your commitment, is going to be the best decision you’ve ever made. Because unlike all of the other options that are just essentially mirages of what could be just the grass, on the greener grass that’s on the other side of the fence. All of that is nothing but a mirage, and and illusion, where if you can commit to this one woman, you actually have more freedom in every other life that you could ever possibly imagine. Ariel and I can say this. I would say this literally anywhere. But I’ll say it here as well. Ariel is someone who has actively helped me improve in every single area of my life. So I would just let him know. Hey, it’s worth it.
Kimberly Hoffman 52:53
Yeah, I hear you saying just get rid of that fear.
Kyle Tresch 52:56
Kimberly Hoffman 52:56
Kyle Tresch 52:57
Kimberly Hoffman 52:57
Because there are a lot of guys out there like you feeling the same exact way. And look what you would have missed out on.
Kyle Tresch 53:06
Ariel Tresch 53:07
Kyle Tresch 53:07
100% Oh, yeah. And I think about that regularly. I’m always like, Thank God, thank God Ariel came into my life, and thank God I have, you know. I believe even with my faith that God has changed my heart to really, really care and pour my love into this woman who has given me everything in return.
Kimberly Hoffman 53:23
Yeah, and you’re rewarded for that, so. Ariel, how about you? If you could go back to your unmarried self? What one piece of advice would you say?
Ariel Tresch 53:33
Yeah, so I want to say it’s something like commitment is freedom, but in a slightly from a slightly different lens. The lens in which I viewed a committed relationship was more so that they just didn’t exist. And so for that, for me, it was like, if I commit to somebody, they won’t commit back to me. And that’s going to like, weigh me down emotionally, it’s going to weigh me down in so many different ways that I’m not going to be able to pursue the other things that I’m interested in pursuing. So for me, it was again, just just a slightly different take on it, that there actually is somebody who can commit to you in the same way that you can commit to them. And with that in mind, they’re also going to, you know, you can be with somebody that can grow with you, and not cause you to just grow apart or not cause you to separate from your other passions, or from your other things that you want to do. For me, you know, I always was a very driven person, I always wanted to accomplish a lot of things. And I saw in my family, how, you know, the committed relationship was what caused division and it what is what caused one person to essentially sacrifice their desire to sacrifice their calling, sacrifice their passions, in order to concede to the other person and make the other person happy. So I don’t know if commitment is freedom is the right way to put it. But just that you can find somebody who will allow you to grow and flourish and who can commit to you in the same way that you would commit to them.
Kimberly Hoffman 54:59
Sure and you don’t have to have concessions.
Ariel Tresch 55:01
Kimberly Hoffman 55:02
Ariel Tresch 55:03
Yeah, we like to say for us, you know, we don’t necessarily believe in, like sacrifice and compromise. Like we think, you know, obviously, this can be taken, you know, it can be it’s very nuanced because it can be taken one way, of course, there’s, you know, you don’t want to come to a relationship with an ego and believe that it’s your way or the highway. But at the same time, we don’t believe that we have to, like, you know, diminish what we each want in order to make the other person happy. So we don’t really believe in that, that traditional sense of compromise, we just believe in how can we communicate this and find something that actually works for us, and where we both win versus somebody winning and somebody losing?
Matthew Hoffman 55:43
Yeah, the idea, you know, before you’re married, it’s I and you, and once you get married, it’s us. And if it wins for us, it wins for the marriage, it wins for both of you. So what that is one thing I think people have a hard time letting go of the win lose. But win lose is doesn’t work in a marriage, because there is no such thing as someone being advantage while someone else is disadvantaged in the relationship. And so I love the US and you got to it is about the US and about unity, those two things go hand in hand. And you guys are a beautiful example of that. And you’ve been so generous with your time and your responses today. And being an open books. We appreciate that. And if people want to learn more about you about Kyle and Ariel and Couplepreneurship, where did they go? Where? Where can they find you?
Ariel Tresch 56:31
Yeah, so the first place is Instagram, that’s where we’re pretty active. I believe. That’s where we connected with you guys, actually. So you know, it’s Instagram.com. And our handle is “couplepreneurs_official” So that’s Instagram. And then additionally, we also have a Facebook group for ntrepreneur couples. So if you’re somebody who, you know, if you’re listening, and you and your spouse are both entrepreneurs, whether you’re in business together, or you each have separate businesses, or you are you know, one of you has a business and you want to like join forces with the other person, we have a group called “Successful Couples in Business” So you can just go into the Facebook, like search bar search for successful couples in business, and our Facebook group should pop up.
Matthew Hoffman 57:08
Great. Well, thank you so much for your time, your candor and sharing with us today. It’s been so fun to get to know a little bit more about you guys.
Kimberly Hoffman 57:17
Yeah, kudos to you both for showing us how to do life and business together in such a meaningful way.
Matthew Hoffman 57:27
We look forward to sharing the episode and we hope to connect with you guys real soon.
Ariel Tresch 57:31
Kimberly Hoffman 57:31
Ariel Tresch 57:31
Thank you for having us.
Kyle Tresch 57:32
Matthew Hoffman 57:33