Improve Your Relationship with Candor and Kindness RECAP Sam and José Ep. 57

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of love, kindness and compassion. Together they show the world what a happily married gay couple can look like. Catch their adventures through their vlog Welcome to Sam José and on their Instagram and YouTube channels.

Matthew Hoffman 01:58

In today’s recap edition episode Kim and I will share our key takeaways from our interview with this dynamic couple will break down concepts relationship qualities and key pillar points that they’ve used to build their rock solid relationship that will stand the test of time. We are excited to be back here with you on the Kickass Couples Podcast today we’re talking we’re doing a recap version actually Kimberly Diane Swain Payne Hoffman. That’s her full name. And he’s all the time mix it up a little bit. We are doing a recap episode today. We’ve actually if you see us yes, we’re in Maynard. But we are in Maine in Maynard we through Maine or on the back of Kim’s Tahoe and hauled him up here he’s set up a little cooler weather now not quite as brutally hot as it was down in Greenville. But we’ll be recording and working out of here for the summer. And on this recap for Sam Cloward and José Cabranes, a fun couple from our home state of Florida, been together for almost six years, but just newlyweds as I think they just celebrated their one year anniversary not too long ago. So it was fun to talk to them, and hear how they’ve navigated the relationship dealing with marriage and some of the issues that they’ve had because they work together. They have businesses together, they live together. And during COVID I think that was a bit of a challenge for them that they had to figure out how to make that dance work.

Kimberly Hoffman 03:25
They’re together a lot. And I really believe that they have figured out that rhythm for their

relationship. And that’s why they were with us. Okay, guys, Kickass Couple, right?

Matthew Hoffman 03:37

They are a Kickass Couple. And they were really up up front with us and candid, had great things to share. And you know, we always kind of start our podcast very similarly, Kim has a great question about grandpa being in our bones and looking back and we try to find out how a couple experienced love and their families of origin growing up and I think it was fun to tell us a bit about what did you learn about Sam’s background and his family experience?

Kimberly Hoffman 04:04

Sam was one of five. So a large family, lots of siblings. But he came from a really wonderful childhood. It sounds like his parents were very loving and affectionate towards each other. So they were great role models. And they were also very supportive and engaging with their children. Home was always a safe space. And not everyone can say that. So I feel like he really had a great upbringing. And he saw a lot of acts of love and chivalry, which his dad expressed to his mom. And he said, you know, those are some of the same things that I want to have in my relation ship and he’s implemented those those are important to him. So he’s brought that to his relationship with José

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Matthew Hoffman 05:04

I think he made the comment. I think José said, “Hey, he even will open the door. For me sometimes, there’s those small, tender acts.” And I think that, you know, chivalry doesn’t really have to only be came with a man to a woman, it can be a woman to a man, a guide to a guy, or a woman to a woman, it means you’re standing up for them, and doing something to express love or respect, deference or putting them first. And I think if you don’t have any rituals, or traditions or phrases or words, in your relationship, that just let your spouse know how you feel and care about them. There’s, there’s a chapter in my book Kickass Husband called, “As you wish…”and I don’t know if you guys are movie buffs, but there’s a great old film called “The Princess Bride.” And there is about a prince and a princess kind of a comedy with a lot of characters that are no longer present in the movies. But one of the things that Prince says to this woman, Princess Buttercup, is when she asked him to do something, he says, As you wish, and she just gets blushing and smile. And he does it because it’s his joy, His pleasure to do it. So it’s kind of an inside joke. Whenever Kim would ask me, Hey, would you mind? Or could you please, if it’s in a text or a phone call or a conversation, I lovingly smile and say, as you wish, and she laughs, because she knows it’s a reference back to that film. So if you don’t have any of those things for you and your relationship, I’d encourage you to have some fun with it. And how can you each step out and do things like José and Sam and show that chivalry that love that deference and that care. And it was fun to see that they’ve figured that out on their own, and they were doing something of that nature.

Kimberly Hoffman 06:45

I agree. I think another thing that stood out to me is that Sam expressed that they are really committed to each other. And they’re also committed to their personal goals as well. And they want to balance themselves as individuals, as well as a couple, which I believe is so important. They hold each other accountable. And they are very open and honest with each other if one of them has set a certain goal. And they notice that the other is sort of maybe going off of that path or has maybe dwindled in their commitment to their goal. They’re really open and honest about saying, Hey, are you still on that path? Is this something that’s still important to you? How can I support you in that? I’ve noticed, XYZ.

Matthew Hoffman 07:41

Yeah, that’s a great, I agree with you on that. And that’s important, because in our relationship, we each have individual goals, but then we have goals for the relationship. And I don’t remember, I think it was Sam, who said, If something’s really important to him, and it’s my dream to, and I’ve got to help him achieve what he wants to achieve, because it’s wins for both of us. And I think he talked about, you know, if something isn’t just not that important to me, and it’s important to him, I’m willing to agree to do it, because it allows him to achieve something that he holds dear. And so I think, kind of figuring out what are those things that your partner and your spouse holds dear, what’s important to them, it may be meaningless to you, however, if it’s important to them, it’s got to be important to you too, because if we don’t value our partners goals, and what’s important to them, we really drift apart.

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Kimberly Hoffman 08:33

Sure. And I also loved it when they expressed their willingness to also adjust to seasons in life. Because as we all know, we can have a five year plan, which I think is wonderful, and gives us a goal in an a, you know, a path to sort of stay on. However, life is crazy, and it can throw curveballs at us and things we’re not prepared for. And they’re willing to adjust to those things, recognize them, and then adjust to them. And not everyone is able to do that in their relationships. Some people are really derailed by those curveballs

Matthew Hoffman 09:17

or changes, right? I mean, we have to be Minutemen and respond, I think Sam says, I may be doing something or focused on working hard. But if I get the message overtly, or I kind of intuit that José needs me, I’ve got to drop what I’m doing, and go be a support to him because that’s what’s needed in the moment. And it’s that I love their willingness to be self less, and take the time to be there for somebody else. So that it’s not about just being successful and achieving a dream. That’s important. But we all have seasons. And he said, Gosh, if José is having a really down week, he says I’ve got to tighten up and know that I need to be there for him and be strong. And he goes because I know it’s gonna happen to me too. And another season Sure.

Kimberly Hoffman 09:57

And that just goes right back to prioritizing each other in the relationship because there is always going to be give and take. There are going to be times when I’m down and having a really rough day, but you recognize and notice and come in, and really try to help support me or do whatever you can to take whatever burdens I may be having in that day just to make them lighter to try to help, you know, take on some of that. And they do that for each other. And I think that, you know, they run a business together, they, you know, love traveling together, they spend a lot of time together. But outside of that they continue to prioritize their relationship by making sure that they have really special and quality time with each other as well.

Matthew Hoffman 10:48

When it comes to creating a Kickass marriage, do you ever wonder what you could be doing better? Have you ever thought how helpful it would be to be a part of a like-minded community of other imperfect couples who want to level up their number one relationship? Come visit Kickass Couples Nation, where you can talk with people just like you who are looking for ways to invest in and increase their joy, commitment and fulfillment and their most important human relationship. You’ll have access to a team of licensed marriage therapists, coaches, articles, podcasts, live webinars and more. Just visit www.matthewphoffman.com so you can learn more about a community that’s ready to help you level up. That’s www.matthewphoffman.com That’s kind of a recurring theme, isn’t it? I mean, everybody, it’s really time. And you’ve got to have that time together to invest in a relationship and build the friendship system. And I think that one of the reasons that they have such a strong relationship is they worked really hard to build the friendship system. And if you’ve done that, first, if you’re if if your partner is your best

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friend, and you love to be with them, and you appreciate who they are, because of the kind of person that they are, you’re developing those bonds that make it so easy to navigate all the challenges that might come up in your work life, your family life, in your relationship or from outside pressures. And I think that’s kind of a great inoculation against any of those challenges that want to come in, and rear their head and try to derail the relationship.

Kimberly Hoffman 12:26

I love also that they do a really great job of, again, expressing the love and appreciation for each other. And they, you know, are just candid, open, honest, conflicts arise, they nip it in the bud right away. They’re really on top of managing the relationship really well.

Matthew Hoffman 12:51

I think, Kim that leads to really communication, I think they’ve got strong communication in the relationship. And I think José talked about, they used to really avoid tough conversations, kind of how he was raised. And he said, You know, I’ve learned that I have to tackle the small things right away, and remove the emotions and really think about kind of the facts and what’s going on. And I think the reason that they communicate so well, is because they do a great job of prioritizing each other like you were saying, they, they want to know and make sure that the needs are known, and that they’re being met. And if there’s a problem or an issue, they want to create the quality communication, so they can get to the root of it, eliminate it and move forward. And I think that communication and having the tough conversations without the emotion, right, because when we get emotional and we have a charge conversation, you say things you regret, you may say things you don’t mean, and you’re really ruled by emotion instead of the facts and one of the habits that they do, and a lot of other successful couples, as they take time. They say, You know what, let’s come back and revisit it when the emotion is gone. And we can have clear heads. And we’ve thought about it. And most of the time, they don’t even remember what the issue was, or maybe what the argument was, and they’re able to be more effective. And so you know, it’s kind of like when when you talk about prioritization, how important that is, when was the last time you asked your partner or spouse? How well am I doing at prioritizing you and your needs? And that one simple question is going to give you immediate and direct feedback on whether you’re doing well, or if you’re doing well. And there’s opportunities for improvement, and what you can be doing in the relationship to better address what your partner needs from you. And I think they do a great job of that.

Kimberly Hoffman 14:43

And if you’re gonna ask that question, you have to be willing to take action after you have gotten some constructive feedback, because it’s all about us being loved and appreciated and respected. The way that, that suits us best. It’s about our own personal love language.

Matthew Hoffman 15:06

It is we all like to be loved differently, sometimes the same. Kim and I both love and physical touch. I probably like it more than she does. But she appreciates it too. But words of affirmation and acts of service are in there too. But you want to make sure that What lights your partner up

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that you’re able to do that. And that’s also the way you love them. But really their needs like number one need we you and I had the we came up with a question A while ago, How well am I doing at meeting your number one need right now. And it could be in the moment, it can be the day it could be this month, it could be this quarter at work, it might be this year with a goal you have. It could take shape in so many different forms. I think really having that and being willing, like you said to take the feedback and when you get the in may not always be good. But being willing to take action and get ahead in the right direction.

Kimberly Hoffman 16:01
Well, if I love you, and I care about you, I should really want to know that answer to that

question. Right? And so that I can act on it so that I can support you.

Matthew Hoffman 16:12

And if you have a strong commitment in the relationship, you can the fear can be taken away. Because if we’re committed to each other, we know there’s no Plan B, when there’s an issue, you’re not worried if it’s going to have a relationship ending or damaging power. But it’s just an opportunity to get feedback. It’s an invitation for improvement, right? Yeah,

Kimberly Hoffman 16:31

it’s hard to be vulnerable. And we recognize that but I feel the more you practice vulnerability, and the more you’re able to talk about what your needs are and how you’re feeling. I think the better it makes your relationship. It builds trust, and it builds, I think a lot of intimacy within the relationship.

Matthew Hoffman 16:54

No, no, I think you said it. You said it well. And thinking about these two and their relationship they don’t have they didn’t have a lot of conflicts, Kim, they said, there’s not a lot of big issues. And I think that kind of one, a recurring theme that we’ve heard is they don’t let it escalate. They handle things as they come up. They don’t give it oxygen, they identify a dress and seek understanding. So what’s the issue? Let’s address it, let’s talk about it in the right way for both of us. And then let’s find understanding of why you feel that way. And if there’s anything I can do to change that or support your desired direction. And then let’s move on there. They weren’t people that are keeping score, you know, holding a grudge. And I think that’s critical to be successful in resolving those issues or disagreements that might arise.

Kimberly Hoffman 17:40

Sure. And I think the other the last thing that I really noted in this interview was how much they enjoy fun and humor, how important that is to their relationship, and not enough of us, I believe, bring fun and humor into our relationship. And that really does, I believe help. It just I

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think it helps to lighten tough moments. I also think it’s important for intimacy to have fun and to play together. And I love that they what’s important to them is spending their extra income on fun and experiential things. And so I think that’s just a good reminder to all of our listeners to bring fun, and humor, and play, and all of that great stuff into our relationship.

Matthew Hoffman 18:38

And experiences, too. I think you and I are on the same page as we would much rather have experiences together, whether it’s a date, or a new activity or live music or you know, it’s not about the ring or the clothing.

Kimberly Hoffman 18:51
I don’t know, I just want to do fun things together,

Matthew Hoffman 18:54

because you’ll have those memories forever. And you remember that and that builds the fondness and the admiration. And I think that, you know, José said he really loves one of his favorite pillars was appreciation because he likes to know, he’s doing things well and that he’s valued. And, you know, the Sam said, I don’t think there’s a day that goes by without expressing love and appreciation for each other. And that just keeps that bond and that connection so tight. And together. And I think that they are doing that. Well. They’re newlyweds and so they had a strong friendship system coming in to this, but they’re you they’re young in their relationship, certainly young in their marriage, but I think they’ve got a lot of the foundational things that they need for success. Yeah,

Kimberly Hoffman 19:38
they do a great job of filling each other’s emotional bank account. They make those deposits on

a daily basis. So they’ve got it going on.

Matthew Hoffman 19:47

They do and there’s always gonna be withdrawals because we’re not perfect and we make mistakes. And, you know, we want to remind everybody that if we have this Kickass Couples podcast, but our primary business for at matthewphoffman.com is Kickass Couples Nation. And we have an incredible community of like-minded individuals that want to deepen and strengthen their number one relationship. We have a team of licensed marriage counselors that are ready to work with you. We do webinars twice a month, we have discussions, deep dives we do behind the scenes information. So if you’re young in your relationship, or if you’re old in your relationship, and you want to freshen things up, and really make sure that you’re in alignment and operating as a high level of satisfaction, and fulfillment as you can come check us out at Kickass Couples Nation at matthewphoffman.com. We’d love to have you join us kick the tires

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and try it out. And keep listening to us. If you like this podcast, please give us a thumbs up and a rating and share, share share so others can know that there’s a way that they can invest and level up in their number one relationship.

Kimberly Hoffman 20:53 Thanks for listening in.

Matthew Hoffman 20:55
Remember, happily ever after does not just happen. It’s on purpose. We’ll see you out there.

Kimberly Hoffman 21:02

That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the Kickass Couples Podcast. If you liked the content of the show, then you’ll love Matthew’s newly released book, Kickass Husband: Winning At Life, Marriage and Sex.” To receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate this show and leave a review in Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune into. Then email us a screenshot of your review at podcast at www.kickasscouplespodcast.com. And we’ll get it over to you right away. Until next time, remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.