Intimacy 101: The Key to a Thriving Relationship – Ep.113 SPECIAL RECAP

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

talk, intimacy, kim, chris, relationship, work, sex, red hot, couples, conversations, questions, partner, commitment, episode, listen, great, deep, discipline, means, people

SPEAKERS

Matthew Hoffman, Kimberly Hoffman

 

Matthew Hoffman  00:13

Welcome back, everybody to the Kickass Couples Podcast. We are excited to be back with you in Phoenix, our Airstream here in Maine. A little dark and cloudy out there behind us. But it’s not dampening our soul or our spirit because we’re talking

 

Kimberly Hoffman  03:14

Never

 

Matthew Hoffman  03:15

we’re doing a recap episode today on intimacy. How do you have red hot intimacy? I see the little smile appearing on my wife’s face when I said red hot.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  03:26

Yeah well we talk a lot about intimacy, but this actually this title is a red hot intimacy.

 

Matthew Hoffman  03:31

That’s right baby. 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  03:32

We’re gonna go a little deeper.

 

Matthew Hoffman  03:33

A little deeper, it’s the only way to fly and we had my co author Chris Cambas on this episode. And he is just he’s a ninja when it comes to couples and counseling and intimacy, he trains trainers, he’s had 30,000 hours of training and seen 20,000 people. I mean, I love this guy. He’s the author of our book together Kickass Husband: Winning at Life, Marriage and Sex. And this episode, if you have not listened to it, and you want to know, the steps, the roadmap and all the stuff you got to do to get your relationship to red hot. Who doesn’t want that, Kim?

 

Kimberly Hoffman  04:10

It is mandatory within a relationship. It is, you know, a definite, so. 

 

Matthew Hoffman  04:18

 It’s the only way to fly. And you know, one of the things that I loved most one of my big takeaways from this episode with Chris is he said, you know, we all think it’s about the sex and intimacy. Sex is one way and we’ve discussed at least half a dozen other ways to get to intimacy and he said, you know, let’s pull back from the whole sex component. He goes, people get married, because it’s the next thing to do. They think it’s like, oh, it’s time for us to do this. And so we should do it. Then they have kids because it’s the next thing to do and then he get down the road but they have not thought about Kim the magnitude and the commitments that they’re making and then life just bulldozes them over, right by and they get into this crisis and they say, Man, you know, this is hard, and I’m not happy, because they haven’t backed up and thought about what they’re getting into and the magnitude and how important it is. I think Chris was kind of just saying, you know, what, if you haven’t had those conversations before you got into it, then you got to have them now and talk about the magnitude of the commitment. And it’s about the relationship. So I’m gonna give you the view of the end. If you want to have that red hot intimacy, you got to back up and work on the relationship and the commitment first. 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  05:32

Yeah, we have to build great relationships, we really need to commit to each other and to commit to taking care of our relationship. You know, it’s not motivation, Chris said, it’s a discipline, it’s a day in and day out, active, intentional discipline and decision to put your spouse first, then you reap the benefit of that work. And you get to read hot intimacy. 

 

Matthew Hoffman  06:10

Yeah, you got to have the discipline to do the work in the relationship. 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  06:13

Absolutely.

 

Matthew Hoffman  06:13

So like, it’s all the pre work, right? I mean, when you see a performance, Kim, you know, you go to a play, you go to a show, and you’re like, Wow, that was a great concert. That was a great play. That was a great show, you know, or even at the movie, you’re blown away. And you are seeing the finish line, the performance, what happens when the curtain goes up? You have not seen all the hard work, the mistakes, blocking, the investment.  Months and months and sometimes years that brought them to that. So, you’re right. 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  06:44

Yeah.

 

Matthew Hoffman  06:44

It’s the daily stuff, right? 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  06:45

Absolutely. Absolutely. 

 

Matthew Hoffman  06:47

You know, and Chris talked about to you said, you know, you can have those opportunities where you booked the room at the Ritz and you have champagne and your Jacuzzi and the hands by the beach, he goes in? That’s great. That’s great. But the ultimate reason he says while people are not really passionate sex, because they’re fundamentally not in to their partner. Right? They think it’s just supposed to happen, and, you know, we’re talking about sex, and we’re talking about intimacy, Kim. And you know, one of the things that, that I think Chris mentioned, he said, you know, what, sometimes it’s going to be, your intimacy is going to be great for you. Sometimes it’s going to be great for your partner. And sometimes it’s going to be great for the two of you. But it’s varied. And it’s different. And I think that one of the false expectations that couples have about sex and about intimacy is that it is going to be you know, rainbows sunshine in the clouds parting the birds flying and angels singing, and it’s 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  06:52

and it is for…

 

Matthew Hoffman  07:20

 sometimes it is sometimes it is

 

Kimberly Hoffman  07:28

 For the very beginning stages, right? That’s when everything is incredible. And but when you get a year into it, you know, and then how about 50 years, right? I mean, this is the goal of our relationship to be able to commit to 50 years at least, hopefully longer, right?

 

Matthew Hoffman  08:09

Right.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  08:10

How do we keep that passion and that desire going for each other? You know, we’re not talking about the sex part of it. We’re talking about that day to day desire that we have for each other. It’s really hard to do 

 

Matthew Hoffman  08:26

It is,

 

Kimberly Hoffman  08:26

over time.

 

Matthew Hoffman  08:27

the love and the passion, right? The passion is gotta be ongoing. 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  08:30

Yeah. Yeah. So how do we stay? We buy new cars and we buy new clothes all the time. We are people who really like to do things for ourselves. We get into the habit of doing things for ourselves. But when we’re talking about relationships, we’re not talking about just us, right? We’re thinking about our spouse and their needs and what we can do for them. And we don’t live in that regard, Chris said, but you know, we need to, to figure out how we can do that in order to have a successful, intimate relationship. 

 

Matthew Hoffman  10:08

Right. And, you know, he talks about the kind of that new car, that fresh car smell. We all love new, shiny and exciting. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But those are things you know, he said, he goes, Look, you can go into a bar, you can meet somebody, you can swing from chandeliers, you think it’s wild and crazy. And that’s the excitement you should have all the time. But that’s Hollywood, you know, that’s movies, that’s TV, that’s porn. That’s, those are all the things that look great. And you think it’s going to always be like that. But at the end of the day, he said, You’re not going to feel really good about yourself, right? Because his argument is that when he’s committing to something larger than himself, larger than me, this marriage relationships I’m doing every day, I’m getting the work in, I’m having the discipline to commit turning towards and making all that stuff work, then the passionate sex is an outcome of that work, like we’ve been talking about. 

 

Matthew Hoffman  11:01

So passion and fulfillment. This is my next big takeaway. Passion and fulfillment in your relationship come out of commitment. They don’t come out of the crazy short lived wild things. Those are fun, and you can and should have them in your relationship. But you’re going to get there by the backstory, the back work, the investment that you’re making, and those things will be the fruit or the outcome from your commitment.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  11:01

Yeah. 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  11:29

 Yeah.

 

Matthew Hoffman  11:29

Some people think commitment, Kim is a straitjacket and I don’t want to feel tied down and one person and no commitment is freeing. I think what Chris is saying, when we make that commitment, we’re free to have that eyeball to eyeball,

 

Matthew Hoffman  11:44

 soul to soul.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  11:45

soul to soul

 

Matthew Hoffman  11:46

 deep passionate sex. He said, this is his quote, it’s like two souls dancing. 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  11:53

Yeah.

 

Matthew Hoffman  11:53

And that’s what you get.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  11:54

That’s a beautiful vision. And you know what he said something that really hit me, it really hit home with me, he said that, realizing that every single interaction we have with each other, that one or two things is going to happen, right? I’m either going to turn into you, and acknowledge you or I’m going to turn away from you, meaning I’m either going to add to our bases of trust, or I’m going to take away from it. By however, I reply to our interaction, or you reply. And that really hit me. So you know, really, taking the time to recognizing when your partner is bidding for your attention and turning towards your partner is a practice that we all need to become good at

 

Matthew Hoffman  12:53

 No doubt. Yeah, turning towards

 

Kimberly Hoffman  12:54

Don’t turn away.

 

Matthew Hoffman  12:55

 Turning towards means you’re leaning in. You’re getting close, you’re asking the question, 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  13:00

You’re paying attention 

 

Matthew Hoffman  13:02

You’re paying attention, you’re not distracted.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  13:03

No distractions.

 

Matthew Hoffman  13:03

No technology is pulling you away, you know, and Kim, guys, men and women, when I say guys, that’s an inclusive term, correct there. When you are thinking about your performance, and how you’re showing up for your partner’s, Chris talks about the trend line, you know, you’re not going to be perfect all the time. But you’ve got to look and I can say, in my relationship, you know, 90-95% of time, my wife, Kim is showing up from me. She’s doing the things she needs to be doing. She’s trying to lean in, she’s trying to turn towards she’s trying to walk in the doors that I open. So I have to look at her body of work, not an occurrence, not one thing, not one mistake, and certainly not something from the past. And so I want to kind of make everybody aware, you got to follow the trendline. Like, you’ll look at the graph of a year, you look at the line and you go it’s an upwards trend with some peaks and valleys. But generally, we started here, and we ended here. And that’s what’s important in your relationship. Don’t swallow out the nets, don’t strain out the NATs and swallow camels meaning let the little stuff stay little and only focus your attention or your concern on the big things so you can look at their body of work and follow that trend line.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  14:16

I asked Chris the question during our discussion, you know, if you were to give somebody a roadmap on how to do all of this, how to really get to that truly desired place of true intimacy, you know, what would that look like? And I think that, you know, he had a great answer in that. It is start the process early on and continue it out through your relation, that process of really getting to know your spouse, asking those deep questions, exploring, really, really working on your friendship together, knowing what your soulmates dreams and hopes and visions are 

 

Matthew Hoffman  15:04

And fears, right?

 

Kimberly Hoffman  15:05

Yes. 

 

Matthew Hoffman  15:06

 All that stuff.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  15:06

What frightens you? What are you afraid of? You know, I think that really asking those deep questions, and actively listening to the answers is how it works. 

 

Matthew Hoffman  15:20

Kim and I, I gotta share, I got to do a give a little personal story here we were on a hike in Greenville, where we moved to just a couple of years ago, beautiful park, the falls, we sat on the bench facing the woods. I looked in her eyes and I said, I’m going to ask you these questions, you can ask me these questions. And I said, Tell me about your biggest hope and dream that is on the top of your mind right now. She thought, wow. And she shared. And then I said, What is your biggest, what are you most afraid of? And her answer I was not aware of I didn’t know what her biggest fear was. And then we had that conversation. We had those connections, questions that we haven’t asked each other in a while or maybe before. But it brought us closer together. Because I was aware of her inner world and she was more aware of mine. 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  16:07

Yeah.

 

Matthew Hoffman  16:07

So when Chris is talking about that roadmap, asking questions, we’re not just saying Oh, ask questions, you got to ask the right questions. And ones that allow your partner to share deeply, emotionally and spiritually about where they are. 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  16:19

And often, right, because things change what I might have been afraid of, then I might not be afraid of that now. But I may have a different fear, on my mind or on my heart. And so I feel like you have to revisit those questions, not every day. But you have to revisit those questions on a regular basis

 

Matthew Hoffman  16:39

Right.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  16:40

 because life changes, and our circumstances change. And it’s important to reengage. 

 

Matthew Hoffman  16:47

Yeah, it’s not Ron co set it and forget it. Oh, I asked her that we got married, you know? 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  17:05

Right, Exactly. 

 

Matthew Hoffman  17:08

We got to revisit and that’s true, 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  17:59

 Gotta love that answer. 

 

Matthew Hoffman  18:01

Thats’ true. Another big takeaway that I had. And I’m gonna relate this to a little TLC song. Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Chris said that you’ve got to have conversations about sex and intimacy. Meaning more questions. Here we come, more questions. What do you like? What don’t you like? What are you willing to do? What are you absolutely not willing to do? What is pleasurable for you? You know, what’s something that you’d like to try that we’ve never done? couples need that. He said couples need to sit down and have open, honest discussions about sexuality. Their fantasies, their desires, whatever it may be. And then it just because they tell you doesn’t mean it’s your job to fulfill at all, because you got to be willing to set boundaries and go, Ooh, you know, I’m not dressing up and doing that, right? If there’s something you’re not comfortable with saying, Wow, I appreciate you sharing that with me. I’m comfortable with this. I’m not comfortable with that. Or maybe you’re gonna have to help me here a little bit. But he said, You know, there’s some cultural, he said, sometimes I know the Latinos or Hispanic are more open and doing that he goes, but in the United States, for most people, they don’t have those conversations. 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  19:14

Yeah, for some reason,

 

Matthew Hoffman  19:15

and they don’t share it.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  19:16

 they think it’s taboo. And that’s not something we’re supposed to talk about, or should talk about, when in fact, that’s the very opposite. We really need to have, we need to go deep. We need to have those very intimate questions within each other within our relationship and knowing we feel safe in that space to ask those questions.

 

Matthew Hoffman  19:37

The trust to say, I mean, there are conversations that we’ve not had in our relationship that are new, just in the last five or six years. We’re working on your 29 and we just got to relate to the game. We just got to having some of those conversations about because of those sensitive or taboo or their social mores around, You can’t talk like that you can’t share these things. I think each couple has to figure out our whole premise is you got to have the conversation to talk about what works for you and your relationship and kind of ignore. If it’s not illegal and it’s not hurting somebody, then you can talk about what works for you, and what gives you joy and pleasure and intentionality and fulfillment in your relationship. 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  20:21

Yeah.

 

Matthew Hoffman  20:22

And that means that means to be individually, collectively, yourself and your partner.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  20:27

Yeah, when we’re in a healthy relationship, we want to explore our sexuality to its fullest, you know, to its fullest, that’s what we should be doing and should be desirous of doing together. 

 

Matthew Hoffman  20:42

Yeah. And if there’s hindrances, you know, he did, I gotta put a caveat in there, if there’s hindrances to you having wide open sex because of trauma, because of abuse, because of mental illness or difficulties in the past 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  20:57

Yeah, past experiences.

 

Matthew Hoffman  20:58

No doubt those things need to be talked about, and maybe get help with that. And, you know, women have experienced as a rule, more sexual abuse than men. And we’ve had men on our show that have talked about that as children. And I have friends that have talked about that abuse, and how it informed or affected them later in life. We’re not making light of those things. And those things need to be addressed. And Chris would be the first one, he said, Hey, if you need help, you got to get help, because if it’s an obstacle in your relationship, wouldn’t it be nice to get rid of it? And sometimes, 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  21:29

Yeah.

 

Matthew Hoffman  21:29

that involves outside help. So yeah, I mean, Kim we could go on and on and on we,  

 

Kimberly Hoffman  21:35

One of my favorite topics.

 

Matthew Hoffman  21:36

We only took notes and brought you guys things today that came from about two thirds of 

 

Matthew Hoffman  21:43

Yeah.

 

Matthew Hoffman  21:43

the episode with Chris.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  21:43

 It was a fabulous interview, and he had so many great things to say 

 

Matthew Hoffman  21:48

lots of great takeaways

 

Kimberly Hoffman  21:49

 about Yes, really true, red hot intimacy. And so I hope you will go back and listen to the interview in its entirety. So there’s a lot of fruit there. 

 

Matthew Hoffman  22:01

Yeah, if that’s what you want, you want to have red hot intimacy. Listen to the episode, check out this recap if you got anything good out of that episode with Chris Cambas and Kim and I, or today in this recap episode, not only give us a like but give us a review. We want to know what you want to hear and what you like 

 

Kimberly Hoffman  22:21

Absolutely 

 

Matthew Hoffman  22:21

And the best way for us to do a better job of that. Give us review and give us a scorecard. And let us know how we’re doing.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  22:30

Thanks, everybody for listening in today. And remember that happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.

 

Matthew Hoffman  22:36

 We’ll see you guys out there.

 

Kimberly Hoffman  22:38

That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the kick ass couples podcast. If you like the content of the show, the love Matthews newly released book, kick ass husband winning at life, marriage and sex. To receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate this show and review an apple podcast, Spotify, or wherever you tune into. Then email us a screenshot of your review at podcast at kickass couples podcast.com and we’ll get it over to you right away. Until next time, remember happily ever after doesn’t just happened. It’s on purpose.