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love, relationship, kim, feel, talk, communication, intimacy, partner, cake, svetlana, commitment, great, conflict, issue, womanhood, point, wife, listening, modeled, day
Matthew Hoffman, Kimberly Hoffman
Kimberly Hoffman 00:00
And she asked God to said, you know, how am I supposed to love him? How should I be loving him? How can I? How do I show you my love and my gratitude for him? Basically, she heard him say to her, love him as you love me.
Matthew Hoffman 00:19
Welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast. We are together doing a recap episode on Jerremy and Svetlana Newsome. A cool couple with a diverse background. And man they got so many things right Kim, it’s gonna be hard not to make this be a long recap, but we’re gonna we’re gonna leave some gold on the table so to speak, you’re gonna have to go back and find it yourselves.
Kimberly Hoffman 03:23
I think the gold came right out of the gate with what Matthew makes them kick ass?
Matthew Hoffman 03:24
Yeah. What did you think about that?
Kimberly Hoffman 03:25
I thought it was I thought her response was beautiful.
Matthew Hoffman 03:33
Yeah, I’m gonna read this.
Kimberly Hoffman 03:35
I think it’s worth just to read it.
Matthew Hoffman 03:37
This was her. You know, we get a lot of fantastic responses. But I’m gonna go ahead and read this to you. These were her words. Exactly. When I asked the question in the interview, what makes you kick ass she said, our commitment to each other, our big, deep, unconditional love for each other and most importantly, trust, trust that we have for our family, for each other for their souls that we are for our independent evolution in the world. And the trust of coming together is what makes us so kick ass and so unique.
Kimberly Hoffman 04:09
Yeah, what a special statement about where they are in their relationship with each other, and how deeply they value their family.
Matthew Hoffman 04:20
She’s in touch with what’s important and it motivates her and she didn’t really have to think about it much and he and I think Jerremy has some good stuff to talk about to there, Kim.
Kimberly Hoffman 04:31
Yeah, I think this is one of my favorite parts of the entire episode is that they truly dreamed each other up. They each wrote down what their perfect person look like. And they both really thought about and manifested what they wanted that who person to be..
Matthew Hoffman 04:55
Kimberly Hoffman 04:55
And be like, and go ahead
Matthew Hoffman 04:57
Yeah. Before they met each other. So before they met each other, they each sat down and said, what is that ideal person look like for me what qualities they need to have what I want them to be in just. And they each did it.
Kimberly Hoffman 05:10
Yeah, he wrote his down as a letter. And he even put a reminder in his phone for I guess it will come up on Valentine’s day to remind him if he wasn’t in a relationship that this is what he wanted to find in a relationship to have in a relationship. And so I really appreciated that they both had some very thoughtful conversations with themselves about what a committed relationship would look like.
Matthew Hoffman 05:44
Yeah. And I think they didn’t necessarily see it growing up. I mean, I think when we went back and talked about grandpa, your bones, but Jerremy shared, he said, You know, I knew I had a lot of healing to do in the love department, he said, and that I think that revelation came to actually they met, they met at a Tony Robbins convention UPW Unleash the Power Within. And he said in some of the processes that he went through, he realized that he had a lot of dark caverns that he needed to illuminate and fill with love. And he said, wow, I’ve got to go on a journey, and learn how to do this, because I feel like I’m missing or I’m lacking in that sense.
Kimberly Hoffman 06:23
Yeah. And I feel like she had a very similar past, in that we taught when we talked about love being modeled for her. When she was a child, she said, I didn’t see it growing up, I didn’t experience it in my family, I didn’t see it, exist in my friends, families, I didn’t see it in social structures. And so she didn’t really have that love and that relationship modeled, or she didn’t really have love modeled very well, within her own family. And so what I loved is that she had a hope and a deep belief in her soul, that it was possible, and that she could believe and have that for herself one day.
Matthew Hoffman 07:11
And I think Kim, I want to jump in a little bit. Because the idea we say this in the introduction for our podcast is that everybody is deserving, and capable. And that’s true. No matter how damaged you think you are, or past relationship, or circumstances or something you did, or something that was done to you, you might feel you’re less that you’re not capable. And that’s not true. And she did a beautiful job of kind of debunking that and coming to her own realization that I am capable, and deserving and marched forward with her actions, impelled by that capable belief.
Kimberly Hoffman 07:47
And when she did that, a coach arrived in her life unexpectedly. And she said she was my queen. And she, you know, I’d never had experience with another woman of this magnitude before. And so when she came into her life, that love and that care and that structure, and that energy began to take place. And that was life changing.
Matthew Hoffman 08:10
Yeah, it was modeling. So she didn’t know she not had a great model of what true womanhood, a queen hood was. And it’s so nice that what a beautiful provision for her to have that and now she uses that in her relationship with Jerremy.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:26
Let’s talk a little bit about commitment and their commitment to each other.
Matthew Hoffman 08:32
Yeah, I think that Jerremy came right out and said, you know, that he wanted to make sure that she was aware of what commitment looked like to him and how he was committed to her. And he said, You know, I’ve been in a lot of relationships, and they’ve all failed. And he goes, I know, I was the cause of that failure. And so he wanted to make sure that he was owning up and letting her know and feel that, hey, you’re my everything. I’m committed to you. And I think that he was great and making sure not just saying the words, but demonstrating in his actions, that she is the person that he cares most about in this world. And that leads right back Kim to prioritization. So he wanted to make sure in no uncertain terms, that she knew that he prioritized her above any one else, ie the number one human relationship is between him and her and
Kimberly Hoffman 09:28
He started putting that prioritization into practice and what a great way to make your spouse feel seen, heard, loved, valued, and I think one of the best expressions is almost daily. He says, He asks Svetlana, will you marry me? And that is really just him checking in to make sure that he’s meeting all those needs, and that she on any given day is going to say yes. And if she doesn’t, if she pauses or hesitates, then he knows, uh oh, we maybe need to have a conversation, we maybe need to have some really serious communication here.
Matthew Hoffman 10:12
Yeah, might need to talk about something because we’re missing on it. And, you know, I think I kind of lead into Kim is he said, I am open book, full disclosure, he said, I have nothing that’s worth hiding at all. Everything is open. He said, she has the keys to my physical safe, or my internal or emotional safe, she can open any parts of me and look at it with a flashlight, or anything else she needs at any point in time. I am not hiding, keeping, refusing to share anything about me. And you know, and I even led into, she needs to look at my phone, she wants to look at my computer, she has my bank account. There is nothing that is off limits, and he is fully open and disclosed everything to her. And I think that’s what a what a great way I think a lot of women deal with the trust and security issue about, you know, what’s he doing? What’s he done before? Or is he going to do that again? Or is he doing something I’m not comfortable with him doing and I think Jerremy took some beautiful steps to make sure that he was sharing openly completely, and that she could have access to anything she needed to have that security relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 11:21
You do that for me. And it just I know that, you know, at any given time, all of your stuff is available. Not that I feel the need to to go and look, but I know that you have made me feel comfortable that if I ever questioned anything, you’d be willing to lay it out there for me and there’s so much security and safety in that.
Matthew Hoffman 11:43
Kimberly Hoffman 11:44
I love what she said about commitment. And that was that it’s her devotion. It’s her devotion, devotion to him and to their family. And she said, You know, one of the most beautiful things that she described is that they were on a beach together. And she was just sort of looking at him and admiring him and feeling so much love in her heart for him. And she asked God to said, you know, how am I supposed to love him? How should I be loving him? How can I? How do I show you my love and my gratitude for him. And basically, she heard him say to her, love him as you love me. And so every day, she really looks at him with that same love and commitment and adoration as she would her God.
Matthew Hoffman 13:37
Kimberly Hoffman 13:38
Which is a really sweet way of committing your self to your partner.
Matthew Hoffman 13:42
Yeah, giving up of self in order to love someone without reservation completely. And I love the idea to Kim, it wasn’t lost on me that she prayed about asked for guidance on
Kimberly Hoffman 13:57
Yeah, how do I love him?
Matthew Hoffman 13:58
How do I love him best. And that’s a great thing to pray about. Because you’re saying I’m not going to pick and choose, but you’re going to be led. And it’s also a great question to ask your partner. What do you need from me to know that I love you most? Another way of saying is, what do you need from me to feel best or most loved? And there’s nothing wrong with asking that question of your partner. But I love the divine guidance and praying for it because it really takes self out of it. It’s not about what you want, but it’s about maybe what they need or how you can show up most for them.
Kimberly Hoffman 14:40
I’d love to talk a little bit about their communication style because I think it’s really special. And hers is a little more unique and that she really looks to herself. So she’s communicating within herself and really just sort of asking herself questions before she actually moves on to talk to Jerremy. So she’s getting that clarity in place. And then she will have conversations with Jerremy. And they’re, they’re always talking to each other. She said, we’re always with each other. We’re always talking to each other. But I think when it comes to real, true communication that she’s really looking within first.
Matthew Hoffman 15:19
Yeah. And I think she said, if we want to have quality communication is when our souls come together. And so the idea of I love the idea of Kim, and you know, I subscribe to it and agree to it, and it’s part of my practice is, I gotta be good with myself, I got to understand, how am I feeling about this? Where am I coming from? Am I centered? Am I coming from a good place because..
Kimberly Hoffman 15:40
How am I feeling today? I mean, you almost have to do it start out on a regular basis, saying, How am I feeling right now? How am I feeling in this moment, and being able to understand yourself before you can have those really great communications with your spouse.
Matthew Hoffman 15:54
Because there may be something you need to change in your own perspective, to fully show up for your point. So if you are angry or upset, or frustrated or struggling, doesn’t mean you don’t need to have those feelings or emotions. But if you can put them into perspective, and make sure that you’re not letting something limit your ability to show up best for your partner, not just jump into communication, especially something that might be deep or meaningful, without being prepared yourself. And I think when Jerremy was responding to communication, he said, You know, I’m a guy. And he goes, it’s a weakness, not for all men, but for a lot of guys. And that is one that he knows he has. So one of the rules that they have in place, he goes, I am not allowed to say, fine in my response to my wife. Not allowed to answer not to answer that question he was a great example would be, if she asked a question, I’ve generally three answers that I can say, one of them, I know exactly what and here it is. The other one is, you know, I’m not sure. Let me think about it, and I can get back to you, right? And if it’s a feeling he goes, one of the questions that scares me the most is when she says, How are you feeling? Because he’s got to get real. And he’s got to be willing to go deep. And even if he doesn’t know, he knows that she’ll except, let me get back to you, when I can formulate the right response and give you what you need.
Kimberly Hoffman 17:19
Well, I love that they put those rules into place, if you’re in a relationship, and you and this is something that really is a touchy point with you, then I think it’s really good that you have those conversations, and that you set those parameters within which you want to communicate. And that is I don’t want to hear the word fine, right? Or I don’t want you to just sort of brush me off, or I shouldn’t be brushing you off. I need to I need to speak and I need to use words and say how I’m feeling. And I want to revisit this at a later date.
Matthew Hoffman 17:58
Communicating feelings and emotions. You know, there’s words for words, I hate busy is one of them B U S Y. Fine is another one because it doesn’t tell you anything substantive or factual or give you information to go on and make better decisions or to. And so I think that, you know, when we’re talking about communication, it’s got to be emotion, it’s got to be meaningful. It’s got to be feelings, it has to be where you stand on an issue. And why not just a short letter answer, not yet. Fine. Uh huh. Busy. It’s, you know, just getting through the communication. So you’re on the other side is not effective communication. And I think listening is just a huge part of that. It seems like the two of them do a great job of really trying to get in touch on a deeper level, in listening to understand so that they can be connected in that communication.
Kimberly Hoffman 18:54
Yeah, for sure. I think when we moved on to to conflict, that a lot of that communication style came into how they handle conflict as well. And that is, especially for Svetlana starting within first really seeing where she is and then moving on to the more difficult conversations. Yeah, I think well, and and you know, one of one of Jerremy’s points was a great point. And that was, she doesn’t criticize me. If there’s an issue or there’s conflict, she is not out to critique me. And that great story that they had was a cake example. He was going to pick up a birthday cake for their very young son, and
Matthew Hoffman 20:50
First birthday, I think.
Kimberly Hoffman 20:51
Yeah, yeah. And so he was, you know, he said, How can I help? What can I do? And so she sent him to the bakery and said, You’re gonna pick this cake up. So we get there. And I guess the Baker was in a different room, and there was a counter with a bunch of cakes on them. And he walks in, he said, I’m here to pick them up cake. And Baker hands him a carrot cake. And he leaves in any any kind of at the at the moment thought, well, that’s a little odd, but I love carrot cake. And so that’s probably why she got it. Because, you know, we all like carrot cake. And so he takes it back. And it was not the right cake.
Matthew Hoffman 21:24
Not what she ordered.
Kimberly Hoffman 21:26
Not at all. But you know what she just laughed about the fact that he brought home the wrong cake. At least they had cake. And you know, she didn’t berate him. She didn’t say, how could you? What did you do? And you know, I look back, and I think back about my own self, and our child, and perhaps you doing that, and I think I would have been derailed by it. And it’s so sad that that would have been my first response is Oh, my gosh, how can you bring home the wrong cake? Right? And I love this beautiful example of we just kind of go with it. Right? I mean, it is what it is. It’s not going to do me any good or him any good to berate him to make him feel horrible about it. And so I love her perspective.
Matthew Hoffman 22:16
Yeah, when there’s a situation when it’s conflict or miscommunication. It’s not about proving your partner wrong. Like we all have a, an innate desire to be right, because we want to feel justified. But it doesn’t do you any good. It’s not a win win. You show I was right, and you’re wrong. It does no good to the relationship. It’s a false sense of ego and an unhealthy kind of ego. But you really want to work to getting to win win and that situation. Svetlana, she didn’t make a huge issue out of it. She kind of laughing It was not what I ordered. But they worked through it. Because what good would have done this, Hey, that’s not what I ordered a you got it wrong, you made a mistake, right? It beat him around the head and shoulders and make him feel less than or stupid for making a mistake. It wouldn’t have fix the situation. And it would have maybe helped her feel justified. But she knew that wasn’t what it was about. And she extended him grace and made sure the relationship stayed strong. And I think in so many conflicts, Kim, we have a choice. We have, we’re not in control of in control of circumstances, we can’t control what happens to us. But we always can live in the pause and choose how we’re going to respond to it. And it should be out of love and care a win for the US and to elevate, elevate our partners up and not break them.
Kimberly Hoffman 23:37
Listen, we all are going to make mistakes. That cake story is just one of many over the course of a long relationship. And so you’re so right in that moment, if you can pause and choose to make the right response to give the right response out of love and respect for your partner. It will go a long way.
Matthew Hoffman 23:58
Huge, no doubt.
Kimberly Hoffman 24:00
So I want to talk about the pillars outside of our three C’s that really resonated most with them. And I love this one, it’s intimacy. And I think they do a really good job of working on intimacy, and that it’s really important to them. They play with each other all day long, and their thought and their conversation and how they interact with each other. And that is one way that they stay emotionally connected and intimate with each other.
Matthew Hoffman 24:28
I love that. You know, I think more couples needed to do that. Kim, it’s the intimacy game should always be on.
Kimberly Hoffman 24:36
Matthew Hoffman 24:36
It’s not something you pull off the shelf for 30 minutes in the evening in the bedroom.
Kimberly Hoffman 24:40
That’s a great point.
Matthew Hoffman 24:41
But it’s got to happen all day long. It’s a life long, 24 hours. It doesn’t mean you’ve got to be taxing, but it’s the chats. It’s the text. It’s the memes. It’s the touch. It’s the flirting, it’s
Kimberly Hoffman 24:53
It’s the wink from across the room or blowing a little kiss.
Matthew Hoffman 24:55
It’s making a suggestion or if you’re you know seeing your wife and or your husband, and making a comment about how they look or thoughts that you might be having right then and there, and really nurturing all the things that remind each other and get you excited about being together in a close way.
Kimberly Hoffman 25:15
Yeah. And don’t get attached to those intimacy killers, right?
Matthew Hoffman 25:20
Kimberly Hoffman 25:20
those intimacy killers can really come and drive a wedge in between your relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 25:26
Yeah, I think it’s going to create damage and resentment, you know, and when, in what we just talked about being right, if you’re insisting that I’ve got to be right, in this, I got to tell them how they screwed up. That’s an intense intimacy killer is going to drive a wedge is going to create resentment. And when that’s not the fertile field, for love, adoration, and for closeness, to all really work to do that.
Kimberly Hoffman 25:52
Yeah. And there’s a lot of outside ugliness that can be brought into the relationship. And so I think it’s really important that we set parameters and boundaries within our relationship to protect our relationship when it comes to intimacy. One thing that Svetlana did is she went to, or took part in a 12 week program on sex, sacred sexuality, and learning more about womanhood. And she said, I have that energy within me now. And I have it to share with Jerremy. And she’s really excited about using that knowledge within her relationship with her partner.
Matthew Hoffman 26:34
Yeah. And I think that one thing that Jerremy did, and I think, you know, I’ve made this commitment to Kim as well in our relationship is that he said early on, before we had a relationship, he said, I cut porn 100% out of my life totally and completely, because you recognize it was one of his struggles, he wanted to be open that he struggled with it. But he said, You are more important to me than that. And he was a single male for majority of his wife. And it was a challenge and something he was drawn to. And he said, I didn’t want to be drawn to something else to for satisfaction, enjoyment. That wasn’t my wife. And I think that most men get that wrong. Or they think it’s okay, because they don’t always want to have that connection with their wife. But you know, I have a chapter in my book called no substitutes, and pornography is just a substitute. It doesn’t require anything. It’s not personal, it’s impersonal. And you also get wrapped up into so many other issues, Kim, that you and I know well of about most people that are engaged in pornography are not there because they want to be sometimes there’s human trafficking, or there’s drug use or addiction. And it’s just not a real portrayal of what life is like. It’s not what we should be aspiring to, and it’s not something that
Kimberly Hoffman 27:52
You ever want to support.
Matthew Hoffman 27:53
No you don’t. And so I love that. You know, he said, he discussed it early on, like day five, I think he said, and he said, What are your thoughts on this? What are your opinions on this, because he wanted to make her an advocate and a supporter of his efforts and make her totally aware. So I really appreciate that. And he said, When I have cravings and desires, I expressed those to her, instead of holding them to himself. He shares them with her. So she has an opportunity to fulfill them. I think, guys, that’s all what it needs to be about giving those opportunities to your partner to step in and become close.
Kimberly Hoffman 28:31
Yeah, this is a fantastic interview. I think there’s a lot of great things that our listeners can derive from listening to this. So I hope you’ll go back and listen to it in its entirety.
Matthew Hoffman 28:43
Great couple, a lot of good things to learn. Like Kim said, check it out. And we’ve shared some of the Nuggets with you today. But we hope that you will give us a review and let us know that you found something here and come back and let us know what you think.
Kimberly Hoffman 29:00
Thanks for listening in everyone. And remember that happily ever after it does not just happen. It’s on purpose.