relationship, rachel, communication, couples, kim, communicate, talk, tony, spouse, big takeaway, misunderstanding, important, heart, kickass, intentionality, question, interview, conflict, assumptions, feel
Kimberly Hoffman, Matthew Hoffman
Matthew Hoffman 00:00
In it with prayer, I’m in it with love. I’m in it with affection. I’m in it with keeping no record of wrong. And I’m in it not looking for what he’s giving me. But for what I’m giving him. Welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast. We are doing a little nighttime recording here in Phoenix that’s why we got that dark backdrop behind us in case you’re in wondering, have an inquiring mind. But we are here to have a recap episode of Rachel and Tony Hauck and man, they were so much fun to talk to. He is a pastor, she is an author. And Kim, what was the first thing or what hit you about this couple when we were talking to him?
Kimberly Hoffman 02:01
I love that interview. They were really sweet couple. And when we talked to them in the very beginning and ask them about what makes them kick ass. They said it’s really simple. We’re both just so busy following God, Jesus, that everything else just comes pretty easy. It’s the simplicity of just that idea of following a higher power and having been grounded in spirituality that has made it an easy walk for them.
Matthew Hoffman 02:35
And it’s interesting you know some couples that we’ve talked to have been really strong on that pillar of faith and moral code. Others haven’t mentioned it. But I think yeah, they came right out of the chute saying this is our number one focus, it defines who we are, it defines our relationship. So I was ishing to see that thread go all the way through the entire interview. So if you want to hear or listen about a couple who faith and moral code is the foundation of their lives, of their relationship, and they really walk that talk. And it’s simple. I think Tony said, you know, hey, we’re both pursuing Jesus. And that’s our focus. And therefore it really is the defining piece of our relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 03:11
Yeah, for sure.
Matthew Hoffman 03:13
What was your next big takeaway from this couple, Kim as we kind of walk through and sort of talking about their history and what love looked like to them growing up?
Kimberly Hoffman 03:22
Yeah, you know, they, I think both came from similar backgrounds, I would say Rachel grew up in a situation where she was very blessed. She had parents who loved each other very much. And they were excellent role models for her. And one of the things that stood out to me was that they also had and modeled a very good friendship system. And so by the parents having a great friendship system, they also had a circle of friends that were amazing. I think that those children really observed and got a lot of meaningful things from from those great role models.
Matthew Hoffman 04:07
I think that we talk about it a lot, and you are modeling not just for each other and your relationship, but there’s kids watching, and you’re setting a legacy, and they had that model for them by their parents. And they naturally just brought that into their own relationship. And I think you know, Kim, my next big takeaway was really about commitment. And I think that Rachel talked about it. Beautifully. She said, “You know, this relationship is the one that God gave me. And she said it was just so important to her that you know, she’s not going to keep a record of wrong. She is in it with prayer, in it with love and in it with affection.” And I loved how she said that and set that up. I think it was just a beautiful way of framing what commitment was to her?
Kimberly Hoffman 04:58
Yeah, she also said “there’s no front door, there’s no back door and there’s no windows” and I love that visual of, there’s no escaping it, no matter what we are in this and we are going to fight for each other you know I’m in it. This is my life.
Matthew Hoffman 05:14
We’ve talked about that Gottman uses the whole model of the relationship house, the sound house. And so we kind of like to use that when you think about it, you’re in the house, and what’s it built of and on. And she said she’s not looking for anything to get out. And she also, I think talked about the, you know, no threats, right, there’s no, the D word doesn’t even enter into any of their discussions, because they would never threaten it, because they would never do it. So it’s not on the table, it’s not part of the discussion, you’re not going to hang it or hold it over anybody’s head. And,
Kimberly Hoffman 05:50
Yeah, there were there were a lot of great quotes throughout this entire interview, but I’m gonna say my most favorite was “I’m in it with prayer, I’m in it with love, I’m in it with affection. I’m in it with keeping no record of wrong. And I’m in it not looking for what he’s giving me, but for what I’m giving him, I’m in it 100%.” And I love that I just, I think that she is got all the right ideas going on there.
Matthew Hoffman 06:24
Yeah. And she said, you know,
Kimberly Hoffman 06:25
All the right thoughts
Matthew Hoffman 06:26
she said, If I ever have an issue, I’m going to talk about it with him, not gonna talk about it was somebody else. I mean, she may need help, or, and that’s a natural thing. But she said, you know, anything that I need, or have have have an issue. If I’m concerned about him, I’m going straight to him. And I’m gonna bring it to him and have that conversation, you know, in the loving way. You know, they got married, kind of like us a little bit older, we were 28. They were 31. So they each had a little bit of life experience under their belt. And I think that had a, an influence. And you know, one thing I really liked Kim is that she talked about one of her first jobs and working in advertising. And she said she was blown away, how a lot of the women would talk about their husbands and talk badly about them, or Oh, what did he do now? And she said, You know, I never did that. I was incredibly careful that I only spoke about him in a loving and supporting way. And so I think that’s kind of an important thing is what kind of picture are you painting of your spouse to others? That’s really commitment too because you got to be committed that when they’re not around, how are you representing them? And, you know, it’s easy to find fault. And it’s easy to nitpick and pull those things out you don’t like and maybe chime in and keep on but she said, You know, I am not going to do that to him. I’m going to honor Him when we’re not there. And I think that you’re painting a masterpiece of your spouse to others. I would hope it’s a masterpiece. And you don’t want to paint a train wreck.
Kimberly Hoffman 07:59
Matthew Hoffman 07:59
And you have to be faithful how you talk about them.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:02
Yeah, let’s talk a little bit about communication, because that’s always a big one for us. And one of the three C’s. And I feel like, as far as communication goes with Rachel and Tony, they’re not they’re sort of typical of a lot of couples in that. He’s very analytical. You know, he wants to always try to fix things and make things right. And so a lot of times when she’d be communicating with him, he was always offering a solution or a suggestion, rather than just really practicing active listening. And I think that’s a common thread that we’ve found with a lot of couples. And so he finally learned after a little while that he would just be really quiet and listen. And then she would look at him and say what’s wrong, what’s going on? I think the first couple times that he actually did this, she was wondering what was happening? And he said, Well, I don’t I’m just wondering, should I say something? Or am I just listening right now? And that’s a really great, I mean, that’s a really great question. When it comes down to it. Maybe that’s what you need to ask is, do you want me to try to offer you a solution right now? Or do you want me to just be here and hold your handles?
Matthew Hoffman 09:20
Yeah, I think it’s good to know. How do you show up for your spouse in the moment? And, and
Kimberly Hoffman 09:26
Cause it could be different each time though.
Matthew Hoffman 09:28
Yeah, or it changes. It’s not always you can’t always hit the same drum, the same note the same tune, because they don’t always need the same thing. And I think asking that clarification, clarifying question, what do you need from me in the moment now, I need you to just listen. And, guys, if you don’t know the answer to this already, if you haven’t had the experience, nine out of 10 times, women want you to listen, they want a sounding board, they want to be heard. They want to share men maybe the same way but much more. So for women, they’re not inviting you to come solve their problems they’re inviting you in to connect and understand where they’re coming from, and what they’re thinking. And it’s, you know, Tony talks about intentionality, right with communication. When we communicate, we do have to do things that are practical, right? What time are we having dinner? Where are we going on this day? Who’s got the kids today? Right? So a lot of communication can have those things where we need to communicate information. But really intentionality is important. Because what are you desiring to achieve with your communication? It can’t always be just about the necessary things. Right, Kim?
Kimberly Hoffman 09:39
Matthew Hoffman 11:08
got to be deeper
Kimberly Hoffman 11:29
intentionality and time to set aside to really be intentional about what you’re saying to each other. And what you’re talking about, and maybe you’re talking about feelings, maybe you’re talking about hopes and dreams, you know, maybe you have a family member that you’re discussing. But I think we have to also set aside that time in that time needs to be an appropriate time for both parties. It can’t just be one sided, I’m ready to talk to you now. And the other person may be tired. I mean, we talked about being tired and hungry and or, you know, some feelings that are other, or that our partner may be experiencing that, it’s not a good time for them to have an intentional conversation.
Matthew Hoffman 12:15
Yeah, communication has to be about vulnerability. Sometimes Rachel said, there’s communication that you need to know my heart, and I need to know yours. And that means, how are you feeling in the moment, how you feeling about an issue, or what’s going on emotionally, and mentally with you right now. And when you communicate that way, from your heart, you’re being vulnerable. And that vulnerability allows for intimate connection and attachment. And so if you think about your communication, what percentage of it is the perfunctory stuff hates the details, it’s the logistics, and how much of it is that deep, intimate, where you’re allowing the connections to occur with your spouse, and I love there was a great example. In that they shared, Rachel and Tony, they talked about they had a the house that they live in was kind of a gift, they got it at a very low price, and they’re able to retire the debt on it and really not have a mortgage and what a blessing t hey said that was. And there was a time where Tony felt that he really there was people that someone that owed them money. And he communicated his heart to her by saying, You know what, we’re blessed to be living where we’re living now. And I would really like to forgive the debt that is owed to us. Because I feel we were given a blessing. And I think we have an opportunity to be a blessing to somebody else. But if he didn’t have that communication about where he was in his heart, and she just he just said, Hey, I want to, you know, make this financial decision. Without you it wouldn’t have made sense to her. And I think that he was open and vulnerable about that, and commit. And so he was communicating his heart, and it totally made sense to her and they’re able to bless somebody else in that way.
Kimberly Hoffman 13:59
Yeah, that’s a great example. How about conflict resolution? I feel the really approached thatin a great way. You know, you said, you know, well conflicts a misunderstanding. And while we say that a lot as sort of a euphemism, oh, we just had a misunderstanding.You know, he said, No, the reality is, is that it is a misunderstanding, because I’m saying one thing, and you’re actually hearing another thing. And so I think really asking questions, he said and really getting some clarification, when there’s a misunderstanding, is really how you can resolve things pretty easily.
Matthew Hoffman 14:39
I think it’s important. He said, I think Tony said, You got to make sure in in when you’re working through conflict, that you’re asking questions more than you’re making statements, if you say, I said you said you did, right? If you’re making absolute statements, then you’re really taking a position.
Kimberly Hoffman 14:57
Yeah. Yeah. And they shared another great example, too, when it came to having a little bit of conflict within the relationship, there was a period that Rachel was going through, just really in her head, and in her heart, even feeling that there was something wrong in the relationship. And she was also feeling that she was coming off as being annoying to him, and that he was getting irritated with her. And he was unhappy with her. And suddenly, she had really just sort of created the story in her head, that he didn’t like her anymore. And then eventually, that story, she was writing this script that kept getting sort of deeper and deeper in that, oh, now she’s going to get a divorce, there’s sort of this impending divorce, that’s going to happen. And so she really just wrote this whole story made up, you know, visual in her head. But it felt real to her. And I think it wasn’t until she stopped it, took responsibility for it, and said, I really need to have a conversation with him about this, because this can’t go any further.
Matthew Hoffman 14:57
And you’re setting yourself up for there to be more conflict. Because I’m defending a position or you’re defending a position, but when you’re asking a question and seeking to understand, I think he made the comment is okay, I said this, what did you hear? Because what we say and what our partner hears are not always the same thing. So asking those clarifying questions, this is what I meant when I said this, and then you are Oh, that’s not what I heard. You said this, right? And so we each think we have a really clear idea of what was said or what was exchanged. But we’re not always on the same page. So I think we’ve got to ask those clarifying questions. And make sure that we’re, what we said is what they heard or what they received. Otherwise, you know, assumptions are dangerous. And I think that’s really important not to be making assumptions in our relationships, but getting to the bottom and figuring it out. I think, you know, when we don’t communicate, and we make assumptions, and we’re not exchanging and we’re experiencing something our spouse says or does, and we think, Oh, they think this or they must mean that we keep drawing all these conclusions, which she was doing, and she didn’t get validation of them. So until they act until she said, we’re praying about this, and we’re going to solve this. And we’re going to figure this out. He had no idea that she was already down the road thinking this is huge. And man, this could lead to our separation, because she had created something in her mind, and didn’t get validation or communication about his position and his ideas and his thoughts on that issue. So in light, in absence of confirmation or specific information, she was off to the races writing a whole new dialogue that never existed. And I think, you know, Kim, we’ve all done that. We’ve all you know, your spouse says something, or does something or doesn’t do something or doesn’t say something, and you interpret it, as fact, without getting validation.
Kimberly Hoffman 18:13
Yeah. And then off, you go in your head with all these crazy ideas.
Matthew Hoffman 18:19
Yeah, You can you’re right, you written a whole new story. And you’re off a whole nother thing. And, you know, Kim, one of the other things I love, they share, we’re talking about the concept a lot in our interviews, one of my big takeaways of overflow thinking, and in how their relationship was blessing others. And she Rachel talked about, O P K, you know, other people’s kids, because we don’t have kids of our own. We have other people’s kids. And I think what she meant about that is they have kind of a ministry, right? I mean.
Kimberly Hoffman 18:47
They do they love you, they love, you know, young, single adults, sort of people who might be in college, or maybe they’re living in the same town as they are, and they don’t have a lot of family members around. They just have this open door policy for other people’s kids, and invite them in for Christmas Day. And you know, just whenever and so they just have beautiful, giving hearts in this way. And I loved hearing how the joy and happiness in their own relationship spills over into this ministry.
Matthew Hoffman 19:23
Yeah, anybody they felt that didn’t have an anchor a place to call home, they opened it up. And I think that the goodness of their relationship really overflowed quite beautifully into that little Ministry of being, you know, Opa, Opa and Oma, which are the Greek words for you know, kind of the grandma or the great uncles, you know, the people that meant something, and were close to them. I thought that was a beautiful demonstration of the goodness of their relationship, and how wonderful they are.
Kimberly Hoffman 19:52
And I think I would close by saying, a quote that Rachel gave and that was, she said, “I say family is whoever is in your heart.”
Matthew Hoffman 20:03
Make a lot of radiant room. Beautiful example. And you know, we’re glad to have this time with this couple, we hope you go back and check out the whole interview and see what his spirit lead relationship looks and feels like and how they’re able to come together and just beautifully sail through a lot of things because of that foundation that they have. And we also are excited because if you are listening to this and you feel you would like help or support, we’ve just launched a new program at Kickass Couples Nation, we have Kickass Couples Coaching. And we are here. I am there with a fantastic team of therapists. And we are coaching people who want to get back to honeymoon hot and reach their own relationship nirvana. So, check us out at Matthewphoffman.com, and learn about our coaching. We have a free call set up there. If you want to learn more about how we can help you reach your own relationship Nirvana, we hope you’ll come check it out. And we are dedicated to helping couples get there and stay there and really experience the kind of love and fulfillment that everybody is capable and deserving of. So, thanks for joining us for a recap episode today with Rachel and Tony Hauck. And we hope that you remember that happily ever after does not just happen. It’s on purpose.