TRANSCRIPT
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
relationship, christy, kickass, anthony, stay, couples, marriage, work, prioritize, talked, spouse, podcast, communication, family, kim, onus, husband, queen, pillar, growing
SPEAKERS
Kimberly Hoffman, Matthew Hoffman
Matthew Hoffman 00:02
Welcome to the Kickass Couples Podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who want to level up their marriage, experience newfound clarity, hope and confidence. We’re Matthew and Kim, co-hosts and husband and wife.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:16
In 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty and wonderful world of marriage.
Matthew Hoffman 00:28
We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you grow and strengthen your relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:42
We’ll get started right after this message. If you want to learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to order Matthew’s new book, “Kickass Husband: Winning at Life, Marriage and Sex.” You can get it at “Amazon.com” or visit Matthews website, “www.matthewphoffman.com.” Again, that’s “Amazon.com” or “www.matthewphoffman.com.” And now back to the show.
Matthew Hoffman 01:18
Welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast. We are excited to be bringing to you a pretty dynamic recap episode with Christy and Anthony Primmer. Today, this is our first international interview on the Kickass Couples Podcast. And it was well worth it. We had to go through customs to get equipment there. We had all kinds of challenges for this well, not really across the sea, but across the foreign divide there. But what a great couple high energy and so much fun, Kim.
Kimberly Hoffman 01:50
Yeah, I agree. I had a great time during that interview. They do have high energy. She is a lot of fun. She is an author, she’s in the media, she has a podcast. I know that she’s even been a past trauma counselor. She just
Matthew Hoffman 02:07
TV host. She’s got a tv show.
Kimberly Hoffman 02:09
Yep. She’s got a television show going on now. And she’s just, she’s on fire. And she and Anthony are a great match for each other. Both of them are, you know, just committed and they’re all in it. And I think one of the most notable things about them is that they have a growth mindset. And that’s what really makes them a kick ass couple that they’re in it. And they are continuing to learn and to grow, grow together. They realize that, you know, when things are kind of just going along, and they’re a little bit stagnant, that you know, okay, we got to get back in here and pick up and, you know, figure out what’s going on and really learn from each other and just continue with that mentality of moving forward, which I loved.
Matthew Hoffman 02:57
And like so many other couples we spoke with Kim, they came right out of the gate and said, you know, the foundation of our relationship is our faith. And I think, you know, faith and moral code is one of our 14 pillars. And they all seem to weave together and connect in some way, right? And what’s nice about the faith and moral code, though, is that because it’s the grounding of their relationship, and we’re similar, that it’s the grounding of ours, they’ve taking something outside of self and put it at the top of the relationship. I think Rory and AJ Vaden said it great in their episode when Rory talked about this triangle and he said “If God is at the top of the triangle, and I am pursuing him in my way and AJ is pursuing him in her way, then we’ll naturally come together as we both try to pursue and get closer and develop their faith.” And I think, you know, it doesn’t have to be a Christian faith it may be, but when you take something outside of self that’s always there and is not physically substantive, but spiritually and emotionally substantive. Then you’ve got a great rock and I think that’s really came through in the strength of their relationship as we talked about.
Kimberly Hoffman 03:59
It definitely did. That really was something that I could tell really shined. You know, they, Christy said “A family that prays together stays together. “And so they really have that foundation that they’ve built on which is really nice to see.
Matthew Hoffman 04:13
Yeah, I like that. I think that so, what was one of the first first takeaways for you that you found coming off our time with them?
Kimberly Hoffman 04:20
I think that I really enjoyed hearing about Christy’s, her history and her family and especially about her father who was very committed to his wife and to his family and who you know, had a lot of respect for her and treated her with just such love and tenderness and Christy saw that modeled behavior for her growing up and even she would would say to you, golly, you know, my, my husband to be or whoever’s plan for my future has a lot to live up to because my dad was incredible in the way he treated my mom was amazing.
Matthew Hoffman 04:20
I love that too. And I think, you know, she said, he treated her like a queen. And his job was to make sure she felt like a queen. And she said her mom recipricated beautifully for her dad, and treated him like a king. So, she said, My gosh, you know, I said, I pity the guy, Anthony he got tall orders there, buddy, but, you know, Christy said he’s delivering. And what was so cool is that Christy said, I call him my king, Anthony. And Anthony calls her, his queen, and they each have tattoos they got on a recent anniversary, that king and queen so I mean, they are walking it, they’ve got it tattoos, they don’t forget it. And I think that they both lovingly willingly work hard, they prioritize each other. And they want to make sure that each of them feel like royalty, and everything in their relationship, and what a killer goal to aspire to.
Kimberly Hoffman 05:55
Yeah, they’re living they’re, they’re living out that tattoo, which is so awesome. And that’s a new one for us. You know, whenever we do interviews, we always try to take a little bit of tidbit from each one, but I love the idea of king and queen. And, you know, they really try to follow that, that role, those roles, which I think are, you know, just so additive to their relationship. So
Matthew Hoffman 06:18
And I think you know, for everybody, all of our listeners don’t get caught up in you know, kings rule and queens rule as well think about the Queen of England and Queen Elizabeth, you know, it’s not about being a subject of the husband, to the wife, or the wife to the husband, but it’s about taking into consideration everything you think, say and do and really trying to make them feel cherished and special, like royalty, like we put who wouldn’t want to be treated in a royal way from anybody they meet, and it’s your spouse, your best friend, that person that you live with each and every day, what a gift. And I think they both feel it. And it puts the onus back on them Kim to make sure that they’re walking in the same way for their partner.
Kimberly Hoffman 06:59
Sure, it’s a two way street, and you know, what you pour into it, I believe, you know, you’re gonna, you’re gonna reap the benefits of that. So, I know, when I pour myself into you, and I do extra loving things for you. You’re just right back at it with me. So, it’s nice, it’s reciprocity. It’s not keeping score track of
Matthew Hoffman 07:20
No it’s not a competition, it’s not a competition, it’s just, you’re striving to make sure they stay in that catbird seat like that they’re on the, you know, on a pedestal, and not that you’re lonely and being walked on. And like I said, it’s a two way street, when there’s reciprocity. And your spouse has you prioritize as well. It’s a natural evenflow. There’s seasons you’re not always on. And because you have that two Cornerstone commitment, right? You get grace when you need it, and fallen down or fallen short.
Kimberly Hoffman 07:52
Sure, absolutely.
Matthew Hoffman 07:53
I think the second thing that really struck with me Kim, one of my big takeaways is, you know, in the very opening, Anthony talked about, he said, you know, things have changed so much in their relationship. He said, I’ve changed so much as a man, as a father, as a son, as a husband as a friend, And..
Kimberly Hoffman 08:11
And learn
Matthew Hoffman 08:12
And learn
Kimberly Hoffman 08:13
That’s
Matthew Hoffman 08:13
He’s grown.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:13
huge.
Matthew Hoffman 08:14
Yeah, he said, I am not the same man I am today, that I was when we got married, but he said What hasn’t changed is their fundamental commitment to each other, and the fundamentals of love, and adoration, and all security and selflessness and all those other pillars that we talked about all the time. His commitment to demonstrating and learning how to better do those things hasn’t, but he’s not been stagnant. He’s not stayed at the same place. And he’s grown into the role of being that king for his queen, and doing all the things for his bride, the friendship, the intimacy. And I really love that, because if you think that marriage isn’t going to change you, then you’re in for a big disappointment, because it is, but it’s going to be for the better to improve. So, it’s kind of a quest. You know, it’s not a journey with a specific destination that wow we reached that summit, we’re done. We can chill and, you know, put our feet up on the desk and eat bonbons, but it’s just another summit. You’ve crossed one, and you’re looking to the next and I really love that idea about the journey and enjoying the journey and not saying Oh, we’ve arrived and we don’t have to do anything else.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:28
Sure. And I think another notable point is that they really prioritize one another. We talk about how important today is to prioritize your relationship and the masters you know all the people who have really good solid relationships, they make time for each other. And Christy and Anthony do the same thing. You can well imagine how busy she is with all the balls in the air right? And I understand that she actually spent a lot of time out of Canada I believe in Florida, doing television and she’s gone for you know, sometimes one, two months at a time. That’s hard on a relationship, it’s hard on a family when one person isn’t there. And I think they talked about, you know, prioritizing our relationship can be done in a lot of different ways. It can be through touch, it can be through text. You know, there are a lot of different ways that we communicate with each other, and stay in touch with each other. So, we don’t always have to talk, but we can still connect with each other, and know that we’ve got each other’s backs.
Matthew Hoffman 09:41
Yeah, I mean, that goes right, your talking, all the high points Kim, about communication. And that’s our second pillar. And we talk about that with all of our couples on the podcast, and the webinars we do with our membership on Kickass Couples Nation, and communication is speaking in the spoken word. And we always talk about the written word. We talk about physical touch, and gestures, and making sure that we have those connections with our spouse, and that we’re being intentional about communicating. And you know, that distance that you talked about, she said, they’ve had to get pretty creative, whether it’s a FaceTime, whether it’s a text, whether it’s an emoji, whether it’s a gif, you know, or making sure that they’re hitting those things and connecting with each other. So they have the quality, and they have the anchors. And I love the idea. You know, we’ve talked about kind of those waypoints and having markers to make sure we stay in the channel and, and they’re doing it. And
Kimberly Hoffman 11:09
Sure.
Matthew Hoffman 11:13
It, it’s nice, because I think with the separation, and when the communication isn’t good, that’s when temptation can creep in. And I don’t mean necessarily temptation to stray, but maybe temptation not to stay vested and connected to the relationship, it could be any of those things. And they found a way to really make that make their relationship, temptation proof by A putting God first. God’s in front of temptation I think is a direct quote out of it, but then also making sure they’re really prioritizing, hitting all those different levels of communication. When it comes to creating a Kickass marriage, Do you ever wonder what you could be doing better? Have you ever thought how helpful it would be to be a part of a like minded community of other imperfect couples who want to level up in their number one relationship? Come visit Kickass Couples Nation, where you can talk with people, just like you, who are looking for ways to invest in and increase their joy, commitment, and fulfillment in their most important human relationship. You’ll have access to a team of licensed marriage therapists, coaches, articles, podcasts, live webinars, and more. Just visit “matthewphoffmancom.” So, you can learn more about a community that’s ready to help you level up. That’s “matthewphoffman.com.” So you can become of the growing Kickass Couples Nation right now.
Kimberly Hoffman 12:48
I think we have a lot of listeners that are out there that, you know, travel for work, and that are gone from home, from time to time. And I think that if you can remember to prioritize your relationship and connect with each other, I think that it goes a long way to making the other person feel appreciated and safe in the relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 13:09
Yeah. You and I had to figure that out, because there was a time in our you know, there’s been seasons when I have been traveling a lot, but we want to stay connected. And I don’t want you thinking, you know, what am I doing? Am I really with clients? Am I out doing something else? I don’t want there to be a question. And so I’ve taken some specific steps with how we communicate and what we share. And making sure kind of the unwritten rule, we never spoken about it. But whoever is away, the onus is more on that person to make sure they stay tethered. Not that the one that’s at home, 10 in the home fires isn’t responsible, but the onus is more on the person who’s a way to make sure they’re making, maintaining the open lines of communication and keeping the connection there and not just saying, Oh, she knows, or he knows, and I don’t have to do anything. Work doesn’t stop when you’re out of proxy. It’s not an excuse. It’s just a different circumstance. And I think, you know, I want to make sure our listeners know you got to pay attention. And make sure that you’re working harder when you’re not in proximity, because you don’t get the visual cues, you don’t get the touch, you don’t get all the other kinds of communication. And so your choices are narrowed. And so intentionality has to be much higher to make sure you keep that connection when you’re not with each other.
Kimberly Hoffman 14:19
Sure. That’s an important point. Let’s talk a little bit about conflict resolution, because I feel like they had a really good example, in their relationships of conflict with family and with their relationship. Do you want to talk about that a little bit? Yeah. Aftermath
Matthew Hoffman 14:38
Yeah, it was interesting, because I think I asked the question to Anthony or to both of them. I said what was the biggest challenge you’ve ever had to overcome? And he didn’t think very long and he goes o, yeah I know what it is. And she goes, me too. And he talked about a family issue that he had and I think it was a prioritization issue, because family time created issues for him with their family and he didn’t want to address things he said, I think he just to kind of paraphrase he said, “it was easier to deal with Christy, because I love her and we’re close With the aftermath to deal with a fallout with her than to confront my family and let them know that certain behaviors, activities and situations were not acceptable. And Christy had a problem with that. And she said, mmm hmm, pal, you know, we got it, we got to handle this, because our relationship is number one, both our families are number two. And so Anthony learned how to lovingly have that difficult conversation with his family and let them know, the situation doesn’t hunt. This dog ain’t going out in the field not coming off the porch. And you’ve got to change for for the sake of me and my wife in our relationship, because it comes first. And he really learned how to you know, and we’ve talked about that before. And the Bible says something like, you’re gonna leave your family and cleave to your spouse. And that means putting them first as that number one human relationship, but I think they overcame that. They can laugh about it now, but he had to learn how to work with his family, and make sure that he was sticking up for and not putting the burden back on her to handle the fallout from the family situation.
Kimberly Hoffman 16:14
Sure. And I think that’s common for a lot of people who are in relationships, when family challenges come into play. Many times, it’s easier for us to deal with our spouse, then it is to actually hit that challenge head on with our family members, because we’re uncomfortable, but when you think about your number one relationship and prioritizing your relationship, just as you said, we have to be willing to work through those things and put our spouse first.
Matthew Hoffman 16:46
Yeah.
Kimberly Hoffman 16:47
It can be detrimental to the relationship, because over time, you just feel like you’re not being seen and heard. And you don’t feel as if you matter.
Matthew Hoffman 16:56
Right. Can’t take each other for granted. It’s dangerous, because you think things are going well. You make assumptions. Maybe you get lacks, and you don’t do the work that you should be doing, but you know, and only idea came of constant work. Anthony said, you know, he too, had a great childhood growing up and it was modeled for him. He said, “My parents made it look easy. And I had no idea how much work it was to make our relationship function the way they did.” And so I think that that was a big, I think that was part of the advice. He said, kind of looking back, but he said, I had no idea, right? And you and I talked about it all the time with our kids. You never know how much your parents love you until you have kids of your own. You can think about it, model it, but until you hold that child and realize the responsibility and how much you pour into it. Your kids don’t know how much they love you till they have kids of their own. You don’t know how much work it takes to have a successful marriage until you’re in it. And you’re dealing with those challenges and the evenflow. And I think that he said I had to figure out how to work through that and do the work to be successful. And that was a big aha for him. In their marriage.
Kimberly Hoffman 18:06
Yeah. They were just such a great shining example of a couple that is really prioritizing each other and growing together. One of the things that they talked about that I love it was intimacy. And when they both talked about intimacy, they both just lit up and got so excited. And we’re really happy to divulge how important all the different types of intimacy are coming into play in their relationship and how important they are. And so it was fun to just see them both get excited about the idea of and how they implement intimacy into their relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 18:48
Yeah, and we’ve got a pillar, intimacy pillar that we do, we’ve got that podcast is coming out soon after this one. So, if you really want to do a deep dive on intimacy, for your relationship, and learn more about that pillar, and the five or six different ways that you can have intimacy that sex is one of them, but there’s so many others. And you know, you gotta develop all those tools in your toolkit to be the most effective you can for your spouse. And so, gosh, I mean, we could keep talking, but
Kimberly Hoffman 19:13
Yeah.Yeah
Matthew Hoffman 19:13
I want you to go back and listen to the whole episode. That, this is just the you know, to entice you. Yeah, with Christyand with Anthony. And, you know, I want to end on one note, I think one of her parting shots with us was “Don’t create flaws where they don’t exist, create opportunities for growth.” And I think that that’s some
Kimberly Hoffman 19:33
Well said.
Matthew Hoffman 19:34
You know, don’t let something become a mountain, keep it a molehill,
Kimberly Hoffman 19:36
Yep.
Matthew Hoffman 19:37
Handle it, move forward and look to the good as opposed to dwelling on what may seem to be a flaw
Kimberly Hoffman 19:42
Definitely.
Matthew Hoffman 19:43
Doesn’t need to be there.
Kimberly Hoffman 19:44
Not everything’s a problem. They said,
Matthew Hoffman 19:46
No, it’s not and you can work through it.
Kimberly Hoffman 19:48
It’s a good point.
Matthew Hoffman 19:48
So, we hope you like this recap episode and the last full time episode. If you haven’t heard it, please go to “matthewphoffman.com.” You can listen or watch on YouTube. We have those links there or on anywhere that you love to get your podcast where you’re listening to right now. If you like this episode, let us know and you can “podcast@kickasscouplespodcast.com” Leave a review, take a screenshot send us to that email I just mentioned “podcast@kickasscouplespodcast.com.” And we will send you a gift. If you want to learn more about what you can do to strengthen your number one relationship come to Kickass Couples Nation at “matthewphoffman.com.” And we look forward to seeing you out there. And remember everybody, Happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.
Kimberly Hoffman 20:38
That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the Kickass Couples Podcast. If you liked the content of the show, you’ll love Matthews newly released book, Kickass Husband: Winning at Life, Marriage and Sex.” To receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate the show and leave a review on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune into. Then email us a screenshot of your review at “podcast@kickasscouplespodcast.com.” And we’ll get it over to you right away. Until next time, remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.