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Kimberly Hoffman, Matthew Hoffman
Matthew Hoffman 00:07
Welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast. We get to be in the studio today to bring you this excellent recap episode with Murshidah Said and Zeal Zainuddin. They were a fun connected couple. And Kim, they were coming at us from Malaysia. They were 10 hours ahead. We did this interview at 9pm at night, 9am their time in the morning and they wanted a nice quiet private place, and went and grabbed a hotel room together, so they could not be distracted and have some wonderful time with us. We’ve had international relations before with Canada. But this was our first Asian interview from over in that area.
Kimberly Hoffman 05:14
Yes. It was great, I loved meeting them, they both have just hearts of service. I love what they said about making them kick ass. And that is their love and respect for each other. And also, I would even add to that their love and respect for mankind.
Matthew Hoffman 05:32
And no doubt, I mean, their tagline in their business is love and respect. And that’s the coaching and the speaking, and the giving, they are living that motto, that commitment in every area of their lives. And it’s just such a beautiful thing.
Kimberly Hoffman 05:49
Yeah, I agree. And I think another thing that they said, you know, is that throughout all of this, all of the energy that they put into their business, all the energy that they’re putting into working within their community, and even in migrant areas, which we’ll talk a little bit more about later. You know, through it all they continue to respect, love and support each other in what they each love to do.
Matthew Hoffman 06:16
Yeah, it’s a beautiful relationship. And we’ve talked to a lot of couples, a lot of our last interviews have been couples that work together as well. And so you got 24/7 on the live and the work. And that can provide a lot of extra challenges. But they’ve done a fantastic job of navigating this and having an incredible union. What was one of your first big takeaways?
Kimberly Hoffman 06:37
Well, I think that culturally for both of them, and more so for Murshidah than Zeal. They both came from families that didn’t show a lot of affection for each other. They or I should say openly affectionate with each other. And so for both of them coming from that, and then meeting each other and coming to their own relationship and developing their own habits. I think that it was difficult for both of them to be, they wanted to be affectionate and show affection. But I think that was a real challenge for both of them. And so a takeaway that I had was both of them really learning and adopting to show open affection for one another in what might be considered very culturally inappropriate.
Matthew Hoffman 07:30
Yeah, I remember what she shared with Kim and that she said that when she met Zeal’s family and saw him hug or kiss his sister, she was astonished and kind of a gas like, Ah, he’s showing love to his sister in public.
Kimberly Hoffman 07:42
Yeah, they don’t even they wouldn’t even shake hands in her household.
Matthew Hoffman 07:47
Kimberly Hoffman 07:47
And so I think coming into a relationship where one has a little bit of that, and one has none at all. But really realizing that she would like to be open to that. But realizing it’s an adjustment, and I need to be taught that behavior. I want to learn.
Matthew Hoffman 08:05
Yeah, when we asked Zeal and Murshidah, what makes them kick ass, Zeal talked about their commitment for each other. And part of that commitment was giving them what they need. And he shared a story about one of his dreams, he said, You know, I have hopes and dreams. It’s not all about me chasing what Murshidah wants, but it’s also about me pursuing my things. And she supports me in that, and she does it beautifully. And he shared that it was always his dream, to go hear Les Brown speak and go to one of his events. And this was, there was an opportunity that they had to do that. And it was not easy to do, because it was airfare and booking and expensive and time away. But Murshidah knew how important it was to him. And there she was supporting him financially in a financially tough time for him to be able to experience something that was really one of his hopes and dreams. And that is at such an essence Kim that a successful relationship is not just knowing the hopes and dreams of your partner and your spouse, but working to help them achieve those things, too.
Kimberly Hoffman 09:05
Yeah, the encouragement, the support that you can do this, if this is important to you, we’re gonna make this happen. How can we make this happen? All of those things come into play. And I think that when we show that to our partner, we’re showing our commitment towards them.
Matthew Hoffman 09:15
Yeah, I mean, our actions show and demonstrate love and commitment, right, affection, and he needed that. But there’s also Kim, the emotional side of that you have to express in a relationship that really comes down to part of commitment, right? I mean, what we’ve talked about with a lot of different people about being able to express those emotions and why do you think it is so important, the emotional side of commitment? Why is it? Why can’t we just say I’m doing this stuff for you and meeting your needs and doing the physical part of the work?
Kimberly Hoffman 09:58
Well, I believe that it’s great that you’re doing the physical part of the work, but I think it’s also important to share and be open about your feelings and support the emotional side, the wants, the needs, the desires of your partner, you have to actually talk about those things and voice those things.
Matthew Hoffman 10:17
So that discourse is huge. And I think that
Kimberly Hoffman 10:19
it’s part of communicating.
Matthew Hoffman 10:20
They seem to have a wonderful dance and that communication about that, and that they were really open with emotion and hopes and dreams. And they did both of those things. They did the physical things for each other, the acts of service and dedication. But there’s a balance required. And I think that they had a beautiful balance in their relationship, which is what made them such an attractive couple.
Kimberly Hoffman 10:43
Sure. They also talked about really being committed to keeping your word. They really focused a lot on when you say something, you mean it. And when you say something, you do it. And so really being committed to your truth.
Matthew Hoffman 11:02
I think that’s a great idea, you know, can we in Kickass Husband, the book that I wrote with Chris Cambas, we kind of talked about a resource, a book by Miguel Ruiz called ‘The Four Agreements.’ And one of those four agreements that he talks about that you have to keep for yourselves is being impeccable with your word. And I think, you know, you’re talking about that exact concept. And that means, if your word isn’t good, then it’s just going to fall apart from there. But if you’re impeccable with your word, and you say what you mean, and you mean what you say, then that just gives such a great foundation of commitment, because your partner and spouse can rely upon you and trust you to follow through on what you’re saying. And know that it’s not just lip service.
Kimberly Hoffman 11:44
Sure. I want to touch a little bit on how they communicate with each other. I love that they love sharing meals together. So food is important to them. And
Matthew Hoffman 12:44
Kimberly Hoffman 12:45
It definitely is.
Matthew Hoffman 12:47
An important time together.
Kimberly Hoffman 12:48
But what I really took away from their time together when they shared a meal. And when they carve out time to be together, they want to be at their highest energy. And that’s just a great thing to note. And to remember when we are communicating intentional communication with our partner, being at your highest energy is key. And I think it adds a lot of value to being very intentional about those times that you communicate.
Matthew Hoffman 13:21
Yeah, timing is critical, right? I mean, you and I, I’m much more of a morning person, I like to get up early and get things done. And I get up at five or 530 in the morning, and then you get up a little bit later. And it takes you a while to kind of get in and find your groove. If I asked you to do something hot and heavy and intense first thing in the morning, it would be tougher for you. And on the flip side, if you want to engage me in some kind of deep communication or talk about weighty issues at 10 o’clock at night, I’m going to be toast because I’ll be falling asleep, I’ll be tired and might be irritated. And we’ve learned that dance that if we’re going to have a discussion or want to have a plan connection, it’s got to be at a time when we’re both at high energy, which is we found late morning or early afternoon or early evening, but not late evening and not first thing in the morning because we know we’re not going to really get the results we want right?
Kimberly Hoffman 14:09
If you are like that. If you’re like we are, you’re on opposite ends of the spectrum with your energy points, then definitely I would encourage you to find a time mid day that you can really connect and be at your best for your partner.
Matthew Hoffman 14:24
It sounds silly but getting agreement like what’s the best time for us to have those conversations about weighty, serious matters that don’t have to be necessarily personal might be about finances. It might be about what to do about a child or a family member. But just making sure that you’re in agreement that hey, this is a good time physically, emotionally.
Kimberly Hoffman 14:44
I was getting my feelings hurt. You know, I would come to you at 10 o’clock at night and be just charged up amped up ready to have some good conversation. And you could hardly put two words together and then I would become really sort of agitated and almost angry sometimes that oh, he doesn’t want to talk to me, he doesn’t want to engage with me, you know, and then you have all these other voices in your head. Well, he doesn’t like me anymore. And so you’re right, you really do have to be intentional and have those conversations as silly as it may sound, about communicating.
Matthew Hoffman 15:16
Yeah, another thing that Murshidah said that I thought was a great takeaway for me about communication, is being really able to understand and know what that person is going through. Because if you’re not in touch with their inner world, right, if you don’t understand their psyche, what they’re struggling with, if they’re feeling great, if they’re feeling lousy about themselves, or something’s weighing on them, if you’re not connected, and maintaining that understanding with them, then you guys, you’re gonna be on separate paths, and you’re gonna become pretty distant, and you’re not going to know why. And I think that I really liked it when she talked about knowing what they’re going through and experiencing. And then if they have a specific need, helping them get it met.
Kimberly Hoffman 15:59
Yeah. What about conflict resolution? What did you take away from this interview? On conflict?
Matthew Hoffman 16:06
You know, it was interesting, because we had you and I had some discussion about it. Murshidah talked about when you’re angry, and there’s a high level of anger, that the other person does not need to have the same amount of anger at the same time. And I think what she was really talking about is, when your spouse is charged up and on fire about something, if you meet that energy level, and you’re angry, and you’re wild up and you’re screaming, it is not going to work, she said, You have to be the counterbalance. So if they’re amped up, you can be that smooth, calm voice that can counterbalance that and work through something. It’s kind of the yin and yang, you know, so don’t you’re not trying to match and meet their level of energy. Or Oh, you think that’s bad? Well, my bad is worse than yours, right? I’ve got a win, though, who’s got it worse? Or whose day is going more poorly than the other ones? It’s not about that at all.
Kimberly Hoffman 16:59
So what if, what if, what if we’re both amped up, and we’re just both at this height of anger? And, you know, it’s starting to get ugly? What do we do then?
Matthew Hoffman 17:09
Oh, it’s timeout time, you say, hey, well, let’s table it. If you feel like you’re both on that level, because you’re both so passionate about something, and you just gotta take a timeout, you know, take a step away, and do something for at least 30 minutes or so you know what, we both seem really highly charged about this. Let’s pick up another good time that we can come back to when we have cooler heads and emotions. If you’re flooded in that frontal lobe and yes, charged and you’re up.
Kimberly Hoffman 17:36
You can’t even
Matthew Hoffman 17:36
You can’t stop.
Kimberly Hoffman 17:37
Matthew Hoffman 17:37
Yeah, just say, you know, we gotta let it dissipate, let the storm blow through and come back when things are in a cooler state.
Kimberly Hoffman 17:44
Great advice. Yeah, great advice. I really appreciated Zeal’s approach to conflict, and that was that he’s a very spiritual person. And before he goes into any kind of discussion with Murshidah, it could be a co worker, in general, he centers himself first. So he might pray, meditate, he makes sure that he is in check, in balance that his spirit is quieted before he approaches anyone or anything in conflict.
Matthew Hoffman 18:23
I love that. I love that. And they kind of
Kimberly Hoffman 18:25
I did too.
Matthew Hoffman 18:26
And they had a special practice, Kim. He said, It’s very basic, but it’s called what I feel like sharing. And the rule and this is I love this because it’s a practice and it’s a practice they’ve negotiated together gotten agreement on and they use.
Kimberly Hoffman 18:39
Anyone can do, we should all be doing this.
Matthew Hoffman 18:41
When any family member, it might be their daughter, it might be him or her and you take turns you say, hey, you know, Hey, sweetheart, this is what I feel like sharing. And that means they just have to listen. And they can not not comment and not refute, not disallow or disavow what you’re doing, but let you get it out. And if you have clarifying questions, you ask them, and then when they’re done, you know, empathic, empathetic listening, repeat it back. And then you get to say, well, this is what I feel like sharing. And it’s just about listening so that they have a chance to get it out and know that they’ve been heard. And I thought that was great. And Kim, I really also loved you brought up Zeal’s spiritual practices to get yourself centered. Everybody needs to have some kind of practice to get themselves calmed and centered, and to make them the best self they can be. I have a routine in the morning where I pray, I do a Bible study, I do some meditation, I may do some breathing. And I do all those things to feed myself but also to prepare me for the day of whatever comes ahead so that when things come at me, I’m already coming from a place of my true self and a balance. So I love that He has that discipline, and that he works on doing that. To avoid conflict, but also to be true to himself. And I think it’s fantastic to encourage everybody to have some sort of spiritual practice that you use to get yourself calm and centered. Take on the challenges that come at you each day.
Kimberly Hoffman 20:16
Yeah, I hate to give away too much more about this episode, because it really was great. And I want people to go back and listen to it in its entirety. But there’s one thing that zeal said In closing, I wanted to just talk a little bit about it, just thinking beyond ourselves comes in, and it puts a lot of gratitude in us. And I love that idea. And that concept of going out into the community, helping others and they do a lot of this, they go and help feed areas that are underprivileged and migrant areas, they have a lot of intentional work that they do. And so helping serve within their community outside of the community brings a lot of gratitude to them. And I love that because their motto was serving God and serving humanity. And what better motto is there?
Matthew Hoffman 21:17
Oh, it’s a great one. And I think that Murshidah said it great, she said, when you’re wallowing in your own junk, and you’re upset or angry, or things aren’t going your way, or you feel like the world is ending or your lowest of low. She said when you go out to serve somebody else, it will help alleviate that feeling for yourself, and will help you do something good for somebody else. She said, when you go out and see a two week old child that’s been abandoned at an orphanage that just needs to be held and loved. It makes your problem seem quite small compared to what they’re doing. And you get engaged in service. It helps bring you out of your own funk because you’re not focusing on yourself. But you’re focusing on your mission and on serving others. I couldn’t agree more with you. And they were just what a joyful, radiant, happy,
Kimberly Hoffman 22:07
Matthew Hoffman 22:07
loving couple and I hope you’ll listen to the whole episode and check out where to find them. So refreshing to meet two people so committed to each other, and committed to service, really had a great time with this couple.
Kimberly Hoffman 22:19
I agree Matthew, they were really very interesting. And they were also very humble. And I know that they do a lot in their community. And I just thought they were remarkable.
Matthew Hoffman 22:33
Yeah, well go back and listen to the whole episode. If you haven’t. If you liked that episode or this one, please give us a rating. And we hope you’ll come visit us at Matthewphoffman.com. Check out Kickass Couples Nation. If you’re struggling with or facing some of the things that this couple seems to have in the bag. We’d love to help you. Come to Matthewphoffman.com. Check us out and let us know how we can help you on your journey.
Kimberly Hoffman 22:56
And remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.