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Kimberly Hoffman, Matthew Hoffman
Matthew Hoffman 00:02
Welcome to the Kickass Couples Podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who wants to level up their marriage experience newfound clarity, hope and confidence. We’re Matthew and Kim, co-hosts and husband and wife.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:16
In 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty and wonderful world of marriage.
Matthew Hoffman 00:28
We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you grow and strengthen your relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:42
We’ll get started right after this message. If you want to learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to order Matthew’s new book; “Kickass Husband: Winning at Life, Marriage and Sex.” You can get it at “Amazon.com” or visit Matthew’s website, “www.matthewphoffman.com” Again, that’s “Amazon.com” or “www.matthewphoffman.com” And now back to the show.
Matthew Hoffman 01:18
Welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast. We are thrilled to be with you today. I am thrilled to be next to this woman that I get to be with don’t have to, I get to all the time. And we are talking to you about the pillar of lasting love. It’s an important pillar. And it’s why it’s one of our 14 at Kickass Couples Nation. And I always like to start off kind of with a definition of terms. Everybody knows what we’re talking about Kim. If you had to share what you think, how do you define or think about “What is Lasting Love?”
Kimberly Hoffman 01:49
That’s a great question, Matthew. And I believe that that question can be answered in a number of different ways. Because for some people, it’s different, right? Is it the sparks and the butterflies and the fireworks that you see, you know, when you first meet each other, and you’re just, you know, sort of crazy about each other and can only think of that other person?
Matthew Hoffman 02:18
Kimberly Hoffman 02:18
Is it that or maybe it’s the constant commitment, the feeling of support. It could be just really healthy routines.
Matthew Hoffman 02:33
A lot of those things that happen day to day, right?
Kimberly Hoffman 02:36
Right. Just the every day security of knowing that your partner is committed to me.
Matthew Hoffman 02:43
Matthew Hoffman 02:45
It’s a tough combination, isn’t it? Because it’s hard to be in both those worlds all the time because we have lives. We have work. We have families, we have kids. And it seems like there’s a lot of repetition, right, in our days with each other and keeping it fresh. Keeping it exciting is is difficult. It’s a hard balance, isn’t it?
Kimberly Hoffman 03:06
Yeah. And wouldn’t you answer that it’s both of those things?
Matthew Hoffman 03:10
It is. And I think we want both of those things at different times. And they’re both they need to weave together to kind of form that tapestry, right? I mean, being you got to be socially and emotionally intelligent, you have to be aware of what’s happening. And you know, happiness is intentional. It’s not something that we say it all the time in our close of our podcast, right? “Happily Ever After Doesn’t Just Happen. It’s on Purpose.” And if you want to have lasting love in your relationship, there are things that you need to be aware of, and things that you need to do and commit to in our first pillar commitment in order to have it and that’s day to day lives and it’s also committed to having that romance and that giddiness and that excitement and that expectation of sharing that intimacy in all kinds of ways.
Kimberly Hoffman 03:59
Yeah, no doubt. I think there’s really some elements that are really key to lasting love. And I think it’d be really great if we could talk about some of those.
Matthew Hoffman 04:11
Let’s walk through them and share what would you start off with? What’s the key in your mind?
Kimberly Hoffman 04:15
Well, first thing is first, and that’s always the consistency of really knowing and understanding your partner’s love languages, because if we don’t know what those are, then I feel like we could really be missing the mark, when we try to engage our spouse.
Matthew Hoffman 04:34
Yeah, and you got to know I mean, if you don’t know what their love languages are, or how really what we’re talking about, there’s a book by Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages” But the key principle there is how does your partner your spouse, like to best receive love? And what are those five languages?
Kimberly Hoffman 04:51
So, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time Spent Together, Acts of Service, and then Gifts.
Matthew Hoffman 05:04
And you know, we it took us a while in our relationship. I don’t remember when we did it years ago and we figured it out. And it’s not Gary Chapman’s not saying you don’t receive love in all those ways are like to get it, but you have priorities.
Kimberly Hoffman 05:17
Matthew Hoffman 05:17
You know, for example, mine is Quality Time, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation, doesn’t mean I don’t like Acts of Service or receiving the occasional Gift, they’re just further down. But all of them are tools in the kit that I think you have to use in different times in different seasons.
Kimberly Hoffman 05:34
Sure. So if I’m giving you gifts, and that’s not your love, love language. And that’s one of the things that I’m doing for you often, I’m really missing out on the things that I know that you love most, which are physical touch, and spending time together and doing things together. And so I think that you’re leaving those tanks empty, when you’re not filling those and the other person is not feeling completely fulfilled.
Matthew Hoffman 06:02
Right. No doubt, they all need attention. I think another thing that’s really important is tackling conflicts, a lot of the couples that we’ve interviewed on the podcast, they say, handle it now, right? You know, if you want to be a better organized and a more effective person, when something comes up, deal with it, don’t just say I gotta park it, I gotta park if you park everything in life, you don’t deal with it, it ends up in a landslide and things over flow. So in other words, a call that is dealing with a glitch, when there’s a glitch, you don’t just live with a glitch, you deal with it, and handle it in the best way for your relationship with your spouse.
Kimberly Hoffman 06:37
Matthew Hoffman 06:39
And then another thing Kim, is kind of the psychology of love and making sure you’re having balance. Love is not just a hit list, it’s not just saying I achieved these five things, therefore I’ve demonstrated love or I’m giving it or I’m receiving it. But when you understand the psychology of it and the balance, there’s going to be a sway, there’s going to be an evenflow. There may be a time when your partner needs more than you need less, or vice versa, vice versa. And I think understanding how love works and it’s really about giving and consistency and love remaining love even though it doesn’t meet a response, right? We talk a lot about conditional and unconditional love, there’s going to be times when we may not love something about our spouse or about the situation. But you can’t let that override your deep, heartfelt feelings and the reasons why you got together in the first place. So having that balance understanding there’s going to be an evenflow. And that it’s not you’re you’re committed to each other no matter what. So when those challenges come up, you need to give it the space and understand the balance and be willing to work through it because you’re committed.
Kimberly Hoffman 07:49
Sure. I think another one is just simply being human, right? Just being able to be ourselves, our true selves, and having the other person accept us for who we are, despite our flaws. I mean, let’s face it, we are all going to make mistakes. We are all human. And there are going to be times when things arise. And our partner is going to need to just accept us for who we are and what we stand for.
Matthew Hoffman 08:19
No doubt, I think that, you know, I say it all the time, I have feet of clay, I make mistakes every day. And so I need grace from my partner for when I do make those mistakes. And not not learning that you have to make a mountain out of every single one, if something’s indicative of a condition, is ongoing, and it’s kind of a blown up issue. And obviously, there’s an opportunity, an invitation to conversation. But really just allowing an understanding that each of you are human, you both make mistakes, and that you’re not searching for perfection, but just magnifying the good as you see it and bring it out.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:52
Matthew Hoffman 08:53
And I think another thing too, you know, you want to make sure you’re heading the right direction or the same direction. There’s a phrase called pulling the rope in the same direction, you know, tug of war, right? If you’re pulling against each other, you’re not making any progress. But there’s synergy when two people are working equally yoked and working together. And it’s not just one plus one equals two. But that synergy. You know, like two Clydesdales right? When two Clydesdales are yoked and pulling, they can have a three and five times the effect of what they can each do on their own. And it’s the same in relationships, when the two of you are planted and pulling the rope in the same direction, you can go so much farther and do much more difficult things because you’re on the same page and headed in the same direction.
Kimberly Hoffman 09:36
Yeah. I think another thing that is important to bring up when it comes to lasting love, is sharing the fondness and admiration for each other and that’s ongoing. I feel like that is something that we need to express to each other on a daily basis.
Matthew Hoffman 09:55
So is there Kim is there a difference in your mind between fondness and admiration or like what is that look like? So, if I’m if I’m going to say I’m fond of you, right? Is that does that mean? I’m thinking out loud? So expressing fondness is just letting your spouse know how much you love them.
Kimberly Hoffman 10:14
They mean to you
Matthew Hoffman 10:15
What you love about him, right?
Kimberly Hoffman 10:16
Matthew Hoffman 10:16
I’m fond of you because and that leads to a quality, right, that they demonstrate, and then admiration too like, I mean, why why do you feel that’s important?
Kimberly Hoffman 10:25
Well, I think it’s important because it’s also admiration is also part of expressing appreciation. And so you are really expressing what gifts and the gratitude that you have for that person.
Matthew Hoffman 10:42
Sure. Yeah. And it has to be expressed. It’s one thing to think these things,
Kimberly Hoffman 10:47
Gotta say it
Matthew Hoffman 10:48
And good to think it, it’s got to start there. You can’t say or do anything unless you think it. But if you’re not sharing it, saying it, writing it, putting it in print, then you know, you’re not going to be getting those connections, about what you love and appreciate and it helps. The more you say it too. And we might talk about this later is you know, we we just we did a recap recently for Kristen and Dan Grainger, and you know, it’s talking about you may not know it, or you may know it, but sometimes you just need to hear it again. It’s the assurance.
Kimberly Hoffman 11:20
That’s exactly right.
Matthew Hoffman 11:20
I’m still here. I still love you. I still think you’re hot. I’m still attracted to you. I still appreciate the hard work you’re doing. Right? And
Kimberly Hoffman 11:28
Yeah, you got to verbalize it. You have to say it to the other person so that they hear it.
Matthew Hoffman 11:33
Kimberly Hoffman 11:33
They can’t just feel it. They need to hear it.
Matthew Hoffman 11:35
Yeah, it’s not set it and forget it. It’s not like, Well, we did that once. We don’t have to do it again. It’s like that routine we’ve talked about a little earlier. It has to be daily, habitual. And all the time.
Kimberly Hoffman 11:45
Matthew Hoffman 11:46
And Kim, you know, we have the Kickass Couples Assessment. If y’all haven’t done that, any of our listeners, we’d encourage you to do it. Because it gives you a good chance to check in and think about how you do things, how your partner does things and their relationship, how they demonstrate those qualities. And I want to just kind of go through the list a little bit. In the Kickass Assessment, some of the qualities of lasting love. The first one is unconditional love, and we kind of talked about that. And that means you love them no matter what. It’s not conditional. It’s not quid pro quo. Well, I’ll love them if, if they do this for me, I’ll do that for them. And that’s really a dangerous place to be. And, you know, some of the qualities are being accepting, being forgiving.
Kimberly Hoffman 12:25
Yeah, forgiving is a big one. I mean, we cannot harbor things, we have to be able to forgive and give a really, I believe legitimate forgiveness, right? A very honest forgiveness, and not bring up past mistakes as well. When it comes to forgiving.
Matthew Hoffman 12:47
Yeah. we don’t want to go back to that history, want to keep it where it is in the past. And, you know, being sympathetic, right and empathic or empathetic, like understanding, you know, the whole thing about empathy is you got to be willing to accept your partner’s beliefs as your own. And when you do that, and when you can get in their skin in their shoes, and all you’re doing is striving to see something from their perspective, and even lasting love as even if you can’t see it, you don’t understand it, you don’t know where they’re coming from being willing to accept it, because it’s how they feel. So you don’t have to always understand it. But if that’s how they feel, and you’ve tried, you don’t understand, say, golly, I’m gonna give you grace and be in there with you and just accept that’s for true because it’s your word and what you’re telling me.
Kimberly Hoffman 13:33
Some other ones are you know, just being considerate and giving. I know giving is an important one because, you know, for us in our relationship, you like back rubs and you like foot rubs and I think that giving those things to you are important. It’s another way that I can hit on your love language. So giving, being appreciative who doesn’t like to be appreciated? Showing and speaking appreciation towards your spouse is a big one. We all want to feel loved, supported, appreciated and important.
Matthew Hoffman 15:03
Yeah, that’s another pillar for sure. I mean, being marriage minded, you’re in a relationship. This is not, you’re not two independent contractors that just aren’t. You’re not roommates. You’re not housemates. And so when you’re marriage minded, that’s like, your activities, what you’re doing how you’re talking in front of them, not in front of them. Yeah, we need our own space. And maybe you don’t have to love every activity and do it together. But majoritively 80% of the time, that is how it should be and being marriage minded is critical. And then investing in the relationship are you doing, saying things that make the US better, that make the us stronger? Or are you doing things that are selfless that are really good for your spouse? And you know, they need them, Right?
Kimberly Hoffman 15:46
Yeah. And I think doing things together without distractions, is a huge one, when it comes to investing in a relationship, making time for fun and humor. That’s a big one. Because you can put a lot of things under that category.
Matthew Hoffman 16:00
No doubt, I think that’s one that we originally left off in our pillar list, but it’s there. And it’s funny, it comes up in every interview, in most
Matthew Hoffman 16:07
introductions we have, if it’s not primary, it’s got to be in there. And what about some of the qualities Kim, lack of lasting love. If you see these things in your relationship, or you experience them, it means you’re not being successful in lasting love. And one of those, as we talked about is conditional love, right? Quid pro quo, or being controlling, if it has to be your way, if you have to set the stage, if you have to take the lead and not let your spouse make a decision, maybe they don’t do it the same. This happens, this has happened before. And I’ve had to be sensitive to it in our relationship. I’m a chef, or some people call me a cook. Sometimes I really do think. I love to cook, it’s therapy, I love food. And I definitely have thoughts of how I think things should be done in the kitchen. And if I see Kim doing something, that it’s not the same way that I do, it doesn’t really matter. But I’ve had to learn, I still have to remind myself, it doesn’t matter how she holds the knife, what cutting board she uses, if she does it this way, or that way, because as long as it gets done, and I have to let go of the outcome and not be controlling. And that’s something I’ve had to learn how to do and she’s brought to my attention lovingly before.
Kimberly Hoffman 16:07
Kimberly Hoffman 17:13
Which leads into being judgmental and critical. Definitely do not want to see those things arise in your relationship over and over again. I also think being selfish and unsympathetic are things that are definitely negatives in a relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 17:32
Yeah or being hurtful if you know something’s a landmine, and you step on it or throw the bomb anyways, because, you know, it hurts them and you want to get back at them. That’s another thing. And we talked about this before, if you see yourself as a free agent, hey, I’m always looking for the next best time, whether it’s just me or the two of us, because that’s kind of being selfish, again, I think or, you know, being manipulative. If you are using emotion or using their fears or their triggers to get what you want or take advantage of an insecurity, that’s definitely a lack of lasting love.
Kimberly Hoffman 18:06
Yeah. Well, I found a great quote that I love to share with our audience. And it is by Paula Rollo. And it’s about contentment. And it says “Contentment does not mean that I desire nothing, but rather, it’s the simple decision to be happy with what I have.” I really love that.
Matthew Hoffman 18:28
That’s a great quote. And it kind of brings up that argument camera or the discussion of kind of the two juxtaposition in a relationship. There’s happiness, and contentment. And if you’re committed to lasting love, does that mean that you’re responsible for your partner’s happiness? Like you have to make them happy? What do you think about that?
Kimberly Hoffman 18:47
Yeah, that’s, that’s a really great question. I think that we are all responsible for our own happiness, our own growth in our own development. And only then when we’re really happy with ourselves, can we be content with each other.
Matthew Hoffman 19:05
Right. I think that’s good. There’s definitely a lot of self work involved in relationships. And it’s hard to take care of, or be there for somebody else, if you’re not feeling great about where you are in your life on something. And here’s the key thing, when there’s something that you’re struggling with, or there’s something that you’re not happy with, communicating it to your spouse so they can have the understanding, and they can support you and give you what you need. Because we’re not mind readers and sometimes you may not you might you might think, hey, something’s wrong or what’s happening and getting them to emote and share that is is critical. So what what kind of questions Kim, can we ask each other if we’re trying to build that lasting love?
Kimberly Hoffman 19:45
Well, I know one that you asked me often is on a scale of 1 to 10 How am I filling your love tank? And I appreciate that question when you ask it to me because it gives me an opportunity to honestly and openly say how you’re doing. Maybe I’m feeling a little low in a certain area. But since you asked, I can give a very open and honest answer.
Matthew Hoffman 20:12
I agree. And I’ve never gotten a 10. By the way, I’ve never been perfect. So nine and a quarter, sometimes an eight, sometimes a seven. I know I gotta really get with it. So I think another question that you can ask your partner Your spouse is, what’s one thing that you’d like me to stop doing? Or that you’d wish I’d stopped doing? And maybe it’s nothing? Or maybe they go, Oh, my gosh, I’m so glad you asked. And then you can sit back and listen. And it’s from their perspective. And I think that’s give them the opportunity to ask that question and let you know.
Kimberly Hoffman 20:43
Yeah. And I think even the opposite of that. What’s one thing that you’d like me to start doing? What’s one thing that’s important to you that I can do for you on a regular basis?
Matthew Hoffman 20:53
Yeah. And then kind of the last question, I think one of my favorites is, I feel most loved by you when you blank. So you’re telling your partner how and when you feel most loved by them? So I mean, if there’s one thing that you know, is important to them, that lights them up and makes them feel really good. Don’t you want to do it? And don’t you want to do it more? Absolutely,
Matthew Hoffman 21:16
Matthew Hoffman 21:18
We had Rabbi Shlomo and his wife Rivkah, in as interviewees as guests on our podcast. And they said that their relationship was saved by their own commitment and how they went through Imago Therapy together. And there are seven steps to cultivate your lasting love some of the things that you can do, and suggestions that we took from the imago relationships of North American and we kind of want to walk through one of those and the most the first one I resonate with really well, Kim is because it’s really why we’re doing what we’re doing. And that is to return your relationship to priority status. If there are things in your life that are more important than your relationship. And I This includes kids, it includes your family of origin, it includes your work, if there are things outside of your spouse that are a higher priority, I would encourage you to think about what do you have to do to make your relationship, the number one priority?
Kimberly Hoffman 22:15
Yeah, and love is a verb. So take action, right? Step up and take action and start working on lasting love in your relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 22:27
Yeah. Third thing I’d bring up is that negativity kills love. And that, you know, doesn’t matter how it’s expressed as a way to express concerns and feelings without being negative, or ruminating on on the dark side, so to speak. Well, in
Kimberly Hoffman 22:43
one of our three C’s is communication, right? Communication is golden. It’s key, how we communicate with each other, in the most effective ways to communicate with each other, are so vital in our relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 22:59
I agree with that, you got to carve the timeout and create the practices, we talk a lot about that if you looked at our pillar on communication, if you’ve listened to our podcasts, or if you listened to any of the webinars at Kickass Couples Nation, communication has to be deliberate, it has to be intentional. And you really have to create systems about how you’re going to do it that works best for you.
Kimberly Hoffman 23:20
Yeah, one of my favorites is creating a firewall around your relationship. So picture ourselves in this bubble, right? And we are protected within that bubble, and everybody else is sort of looking in to that bubbles. So that means we’re a team, we’re going to support each other, we’re going to constantly have each other’s back, no matter what.
Matthew Hoffman 23:45
Kimberly Hoffman 23:46
No kids are gonna, you know, get in the way, no other family members are going to try to tear us apart, we are going to stand united.
Matthew Hoffman 23:53
Stand united, and you’re not going to let other influences creep in and take control of the relationship. You don’t need another opinion. You don’t need another force, or it could be it goes back to that prioritization. Something else that’s going to make you focus on that versus that relationship. And you know, this sounds self explanatory, but enjoying a satisfying sex life. That is one level of intimacy, there’s five or six others, but it is up to both of you, if you want to have lasting love, to say make sure your needs, your desires, your wants are each getting met. And that is talked about, it is negotiated. it’s agreed upon and that you know, it’s not that thing you don’t talk about that just happens and you hope it’s good. If you’re not intentional in your physicality and your sex life with each other. It’s not going to be great. Practice makes perfect, right? That’s what and that’s what guys want to hear. We got to practice. I’m all for I believe in practicing a lot and being good at what we do.
Kimberly Hoffman 24:50
I don’t I believe that a lot of people think it’s taboo to talk about it. And I think that that’s one important thing to note is that it’s important that you have conversations surrounding your sex life. And I believe that that type of conversation leads to more intimacy within your marriage, it brings you closer.
Matthew Hoffman 25:11
Absolutely. And I think kind of one of the last things when you have an argument, repair it quickly, we talked about that a little earlier about not letting things linger. And, you know, Brad White and his wife, I think, Steph they talked about, he said, you know, what, if you don’t deal with the issues, then they become raging dumpster fires, and then they’re out of control, and there’s carnage. So when things pop up, figure out the best time in place and fashion and make sure that you’re working on repair.
Kimberly Hoffman 25:39
Matthew Hoffman 25:39
Couples that can repair, well get back on center and get back to prioritization and kind of get back to that bubble and that sweet spot that we’ve talked about.
Kimberly Hoffman 25:48
Yeah, you know, we want all of you all, of our listeners to experience lasting love. It is such a gratifying thing in your life, when you can wake up every day, and know that your partner has your back and that that your partner is committed to you. And so lasting love is is huge. And it is probably one of my favorite pillars.
Kimberly Hoffman 25:49
Matthew Hoffman 25:51
And so to kind of prioritize a little bit summarize, prioritization, we talked about today, we talked about working for the US, right? When you get married, I and you go out the door, you still have to take care of yourself and not ignore yourself. But most of the lens that you need to be looking through the filter for your decisions, is it a win for us? And asking the right questions, right, Kim, in our conversations in our day to day life with one another? If we’re not asking the right questions, then we’re never going to arrive at understanding.
Kimberly Hoffman 26:47
Yeah. What I, you know, we need to talk about agreeing on what to add, what to magnify within the relationship, what to eliminate, what to remove to get rid of in the relationship, having those conversations about, you know, what you need, and what you perhaps don’t need is big.
Matthew Hoffman 27:09
Yeah, we’re all capable, everybody that’s listening, and it’s out there, you’re capable, and you’re deserving of lasting love. It’s just has to be worked at practice, and invested in and brought to light. So don’t be afraid of taking some of these ideas. Just take one question. One thought one concept that you heard today, and make it the topic of discussion with your partner. So you can make an investment make a deposit on lasting love. And I want to end with a quote for you all, is that time decides who you meet in life, your heart decides who you want in your life, and your behavior decides who stays in your life. So I hope you’re making the decisions with the right behavior. If you’re not sure what to do, or how to do it, or what to do better, we hope you’ll come check out Kickass Couples Nation at Matthewphoffman.com. We have a fantastic team of licensed marriage therapists, we do wonderful webinars where we do deep dives on these pillars every month. And we talk about application, how to make it happen and active and upfront in your life. So we hope you’ll join us there but we’re going to
Kimberly Hoffman 28:15
Thank you all so much for tuning in today and remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.
Matthew Hoffman 28:49
We’ll see ya out there.