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kickass, marriage, couples, relationship, commitment, life, committed, growing, husband, feel, controllable, rule, years, write, piece, podcasts, god, fight, day, talk
AJ Vaden, Kimberly Hoffman, Mindi Abair, Amber Locascio, Joseph Warren, Matthew Hoffman, Rory Vaden, Fallon Warren, Scott Savor, Erika Savor, Tom Rodgers, Eric Guerra, Denny Locascio
Matthew Hoffman 00:02
Welcome to the Kickass Couples Podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who wants to level up their marriage experience newfound clarity, hope and confidence. We’re Matthew and Kim, co-hosts and husband and wife.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:16
In 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty and wonderful world of marriage.
Matthew Hoffman 00:28
We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you grow and strengthen your relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:43
We’ll get started right after this message. If you want to learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to order Matthew’s new book “Kickass Husband: Winning at Life, Marriage and Sex,” you can get it at “Amazon.com” or visit Matthews website, “www.matthewphoffman.com” Again, that’s “Amazon.com” or “www.matthewphoffman.com” And now back to the show.
Matthew Hoffman 01:23
Welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast, we are celebrating our one year anniversary, baby. We’re one.
Kimberly Hoffman 01:32
It’s been an amazing year, I cannot believe it’s gone by so quickly. And I think that the best part about all of this is that we have been able to do this together. It has been so special for me to be able to sit aside of you and interview some of the most awesome couples and learn and grow. And you know, this is this has been a big deal for me, because this has not been something that has really been in my wheelhouse. And so you want to talk about stretching and growing. It’s been a huge year that for me personally.
Matthew Hoffman 02:08
And me too, golly, we’ve and Kim is right, I love I get to do this with her. It’s not something I have to do, I get to do it with her. And I love because I get to be side by side next to the person that I love and care about the most. And the people that we have talked to and learned from these last 68 episodes over this last year have been amazing. And it’s blessed us and we know it’s blessed you, our listeners, because we’ve gotten so many tips, tricks, insights, stories, tools that we’ve been able to apply and use to level up our number one relationship. And so we put these two reels together with samples and pieces. It’s in the show notes of who you’ll be hearing from if you want to go back and check out the full episode. So we hope you enjoy what we’ve put together, which is a year back taking the greatest moments of the Kickass Couples Podcast and bringing it to you so that you can remember one important thing. Happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose. Thanks for joining us.
Denny Locascio 02:57
Commitment to me is just non negotiable, like whatever the words you use or commitment you make that’s like written in rock, it’s like solid as it is. So when we got married, like there’s no uneven option for divorce, like that’s completely taken off the table. To me, that’s commitment, I’m committed to Amber for the rest of our lives. Yeah, outside of that, I mean, Amber and I pretty much have two rules for our marriages, you can’t physically have physical contact, like can’t hit each other, and you can’t cheat on each other. Outside of those two rules, we are fully committed to our relationship for the rest of our lives. Those are two other things are non negotiable can’t do those things. Everything else, we’re gonna forgive each other, we’re gonna move on, we’re gonna work through those things, those challenges. And the good times and the bad.
Amber Locascio 03:55
I think we’ve always been on the same page with those two things being kind of non negotiables for us. I can’t recall how we came up with those two ideas. But he and I both feel incredibly strongly about those two in particular. And I think for me, it just as a female, I want to make sure that you know, I’m safe and we model a relationship that doesn’t show any sort of physical violence towards one another whatsoever. And that could be from me, to him or him and to me, right? I want to make sure that both ways 100% I want to make sure that our kids know that that is never ever acceptable to show to their friends to show towards each other. And so I’m going to model an example of what I want my kids to become as adults. And then the infidelity thing that’s just not something I think I could ever really get over. And so for me that’s always been really important in making sure that you set that standard with your spouse and you know where that line is and that they know that they cannot cross that and that there are going to be significant repercussions and your life will never go back to the same right you know there There’s no coming back from that. So he and I think have always identified those two as things that would definitely break our relationship. And so we’ve we put them out there, and we both agree to them. And so
Denny Locascio 05:16
Now that we’ve had kids, young kids at that that it comes to a point to where like, you got to make a decision, at least I do personally, like, how long do you really want this argument to last? Do you want to continue to not be comfortable in the house and not be comfortable with your wife in just hold his grudge? Or do you want to find some middle ground, talk it over, figure out what needs to happen. And that way, you can just move on and still find joy and be productive? And I think some of the funny things that we’ve come up with now is like, if we feel a certain way about maybe a topic, it’s like, are you really, really prepared to die in the mountain, die on the top of the hill for this?
Amber Locascio 05:50
I’m not dying on that mountain?
Denny Locascio 05:51
And Amber’s like, Nope, I’m not ready to die on that mountain. So that’s what you want to do. Let’s go with it. So it’s like, Alright, are you really going to continue to fight for what we want to do do today or something, whatever the topic is, we want to come up with, we said, Nope, okay, I’m not ready to die for it. And if I am, then we keep going with that.
Tom Rodgers 06:07
We sensed that something deeper was going on. And I find this with clients all the time that what they fight about is not really what they’re fighting about. What they’re fighting about is symptomatic of something very thematic. It’s much deeper, and many times is even unconscious. This kind of fear of doom thing for me and this hopelessness. I mean, I wasn’t aware of it certainly didn’t want to be that way in relationship. But it was very thematic in the life I lived growing up. I have a phrase that I teach people, and we say that this phrase will heal your marriage, guaranteed. Honey, you may be right. Honey, you may be right. Which is really, really tough to say in the middle of a conflict. But if you can say that and mean it, it humbles you. Because we realize that many times both of us have an opinion. And both of us may be right. But it may not be the right thing to do in terms of our relationship. As I look through it, I keep going back to one, intimacy. And we the saying I have for intimacy is into me, I see. So intimacy is the willingness to be vulnerable, to be open and honest. And it really incorporates a lot of the other pillars. trust, honesty, faithfulness, appreciation, you know, but intimacy is is the key.
Joseph Warren 07:44
Well, like Fallon alluded to never fight in public. Never correct your spouse in public. When I say in public, that means in front of your children. It’s the same in business, I have that rule in business that with my business partners, always correct each other behind closed doors always compliment each other in public. And that was the rule. And it worked very effectively in business, and I suspect it and submit it, it works the same in marriage.
Fallon Warren 08:15
So had learned a little trick from another couple friends of ours, that they called it a marriage reset that they said they do every six months or so. And it really helps someone like me who like overthinks things. So what they describe it as you get out a piece of paper, and a pen or a notepad or whatever, you sit down together, you kind of let each other know, hey, let’s do a marriage reset, I’ve got some things I want to, you know, get off my chest or some things I want to communicate. And it sets up a super safe feeling environment where I can just say how I’m feeling to my husband, and he’s not responding. He’s not saying anything. He’s just writing down notes. And then it’s his turn. He gets to say anything that’s been bothering him anything that’s been on his mind, anything at all, and I’m just sitting silently, listening, writing notes, and then we talk about it or we take those lists and we go pray to God about it. That’s a super simplified version of what we do. So that’s something we’ve both been growing in as far as like, showing each other love in a way that the other person can hear it and feel it and receive it.
Matthew Hoffman 09:27
Yeah, that’s that’s a tough a tough skill thing to learn is you don’t love people the way you want to love them. You love them the way they want to be loved and what they need and I think I think that’s a real pearl that all couples struggle with even if you know it doesn’t mean you’re always doing it like Joseph, you were saying I’m uncomfortable. I don’t want it I’m impatient. It come on. If it can’t happen quick, I don’t want to do it. Right? And I think that that’s a challenge and that dials back a little bit to commitment. So when you are committed and you have that commitment in the relationship, you know they’re gonna get give you what you need. When it comes to creating a kickass marriage. Do you ever wonder what you could be doing better? Have you ever thought helpful would be to be a part of a like minded community of other imperfect couples who wants to level up and their number one relationship? Come visit Kickass Couples Nation, where you can talk with people just like you are looking for ways to invest in and increase their joy, commitment, and fulfillment in their most important human relationship. You’ll have access to a team of licensed marriage therapists, coaches, articles, podcasts, live webinars and more. Just visit “matthewphoffman.com” So you can learn more about a community that’s ready to help you level up. That’s “Matthew P hoffman.com” so you can become of the growing Kickass Couples Nation right now.
Mindi Abair 10:51
I love thinking of us as a kickass couple. I just think the name you you came up with is awesome. Master Plan to live our lives, you know, the best way that we could?
Eric Guerra 11:04
Yeah. And we actually did write that down. We sat down one day and said, What would the perfect life look like years from now? And I would say that we’re pretty close to the that little thing that we wrote down years ago.
Mindi Abair 11:17
Eric Guerra 11:18
Kimberly Hoffman 11:18
So you visioned it first?
Eric Guerra 11:20
Kimberly Hoffman 11:20
And then now you’re just playing it out.
Eric Guerra 11:22
Kimberly Hoffman 11:22
Living it out I guess.
Eric Guerra 11:24
And it took some sacrifices too big decisions. It took a challenge changes in both of our careers, I had to leave the executive ranks of wineries. Mindi’s husband is around a little bit more on the road. You know, so that there’s changes that we both had to accept, which were excellent. But at the end of the day, this is exactly where we want to be.
AJ Vaden 11:47
We when we made our vows, and at least said our vows. I told Rory, I said, I just want to make sure that you’re really sure. Because when we say I do, I’m not ever gonna say I don’t. So I need to be very sure that you’re in this to win it because there’s no turning back. And I think in general for us, I think that the choices that we made before we were married, were already the sign of commitment that we were going to make this work of getting debt free. And even though neither of us were virgins, when we met, we were abstinent with each other for the two and a half years leading up to our marriage. And so it’s like, we made some very, very decided choices to go, whatever was, is in the past. And we’re starting anew with this relationship, because we’re going to make it the way that God intended. And that’s where we center this relationship is in God.
Rory Vaden 12:44
We feel ourselves going into a discussion. We turn on the recorder on the phone, we actually record the conversation. And it’s weird, because we’ve never that I can recall actually gone back and listen to the recording and actually been like, No, see, you did say this. No, you did say that you. But there is there was something kind of powerful about the idea of going okay, what I am, everything that I say from this point forward is actually gonna be recorded. And there is something about that, that, to me at least feels like I actually am going to be very deliberate about what I say. Because the proof can can and could be used against me. And having that somehow helps. And even though I don’t think we’ve ever gone back and listened to it, I actually think it could be a really good exercise to go back and do it not to prove like Oh, I’m right, or you’re wrong. You’re right. I’m wrong. But but as an educational piece, the same way that you would coach a presenter on their presentation or a salesperson on their sales talk to go right here, pause, right here when you said that, it made me feel this way. And to be able to hold that’s so educational for me. I didn’t realize that when I said that thing it made you feel that way. When I said that thing. I thought it would make you feel this way or I was trying to make you feel this way. I wasn’t aware that when I said that it made you feel this way. And so I actually think it could be healthy, but I think most of the power is just going okay, this is we’re now going on record and it it forces you to have an extra level of care that the proper level of care that you should have, because otherwise it’s easy to just kind of just let your motions puke out and laden. You know, rap the words that you’re saying. And then go You’re overreacting I didn’t say that like that. When you know you have this this objective judge, which is the recording that you both would have to answer to, if you’re both moving towards God, like if you’re both chasing God, then you’re coming closer together. And, and it’s easier for you both to pursue God and come closer together even then to pursue each other.
Erika Savor 15:21
What we did with the core values, we made them something that we can commit to that are easily controllable by ourselves. And then it’s super clear really easily to understand.
Kimberly Hoffman 15:33
I’m curious, are they written? Are they just understood? I’d love for our listeners to hear what your secret is.
Scott Savor 15:41
Smoke and mirrors? Yeah, we took it off the wall for you guys. We’re trying to give you as much visual as possible.
Matthew Hoffman 15:46
Today, did I? Well, I tell you what we’d love will you guys share, you don’t have to go through all of them. But just talk to us about that process. Like, how did when you said you were going to do this? How did you end up with what you have in that frame on the wall?
Scott Savor 15:58
Sure. Thank you for asking. So I get to work with a lot of individuals, teams and companies on culture creation, right? I’ve been fortunate to do this for maybe like the last 12 to 15 years. And it just made so much sense. And we talked it up, you know, we chopped it up about it. Hey, what can we do? Is there anything that makes sense, from a value perspective that we’re willing to put on paper and we came to the conclusion that it would be really good to have questions. A lot of people have just a name and a definition of value in a definition, whether it’s at their house, maybe or at a company for a core value system. But we’ve really found some really serious power in the questions. And so we have 25 questions listed out that are 100%, controllable daily disciplines. Erika was really good at Hey, no matter she’s flooded, she’s a physical therapist, right? So if she’s flooded with patients during the day, she’ll always try to check in write daily check ins daily huddles after work, like, hey, is there what are the most important things? We call them MIT’s. Hey, what are some MITs that happened today? Get me up to speed, I’ll get you up to speed. So we can, you know, pull a card in the same direction. Again, that requires intentional effort. It requires energy, all that fun stuff. So one would be I think, getting in front of each other no matter how busy we are, and saying hey, no, we are going to own communication. And it might even get annoying sometimes like, oh, okay, you got it, you’re going to tell me 17 times we are already connected, but no, to try to over communicate and get in front of each other. So we can connect, really connect, relate, trust and repeat at a higher level sensitivity equals poverty. That’s something we really believe in. Now, again, we’re not perfect at it. But we’re big on the prerequisites that lead to the desired outcomes, right. So let’s just lock in on all of these things. That might put the odds in our favor of being better communicators or more committed and doing all these things that we can control 100%. And let’s, let’s keep those outcomes where they need to be. And if they happen, great if they don’t, good, well, maybe we get another day tomorrow to go after him. Right? So it’s not popular. You guys know that that’s not popular because the feelings are over here, usually. Right? And we don’t want we don’t want anything to do with that. And we’ll we’ll kind of joke and give each other a hard time and play weird games throughout the day. And we know we’re aliens, and we don’t care. But it’s like Mark Twain said it’s more important to be curious and be popular and I we really believe in that and a lot of aspects of life.
Kimberly Hoffman 18:20
That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the Kickass Couples Podcast. If you liked the content of the show, the love Matthews, newly released book, “Kickass Husband: Winning at Life, Marriage and Sex.” To receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate this show and leave a review on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune into. Then email us a screenshot of your review at “firstname.lastname@example.org.” And we’ll get it over to you right away. Until next time, remember, happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.