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kickass, marriage, relationship, couples, grow, commitment, life, speak, compliment, husband, partner, george, effective communication, emotional intimacy, year, people, book, intimacy, hear, communication
Anthony Primmer, Patty Williams, Chris Swisher, Kimberly Hoffman, Jillian Flodstrom, Christy Primmer, Matthew Hoffman, Elyse Archer, Chris Cambas, Joe Vego, Natalie Southward, George Hensley, Nancy Hensley, Jenny Swisher, Congressman Roger Williams
Matthew Hoffman 00:02
Welcome to the Kickass Couples Podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who wants to level up their marriage experience newfound clarity, hope and confidence. We’re Matthew and Kim, co-hosts and husband and wife.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:16
In 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty and wonderful world of marriage.
Matthew Hoffman 00:28
We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you grow and strengthen your relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:42
We’ll get started right after this message. If you want to learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to order Matthew’s new book, Kickass Husband: “Winning at Like, Marriage and Sex.” You can get it at “Amazon.com” or visit Matthews website, www. matthewphoffman.com” Again, that’s “Amazon.com” or www.matthewphoffman.com” And now back to the show.
Matthew Hoffman 01:23
Welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast, we are celebrating our one year anniversary, baby. We’re one.
Kimberly Hoffman 01:32
It’s been an amazing year, I cannot believe it’s gone by so quickly. And I think that the best part about all of this is that we have been able to do this together. It has been so special for me to be able to sit aside of you and interview some of the most awesome couples and learn and grow. And you know, this is this has been a big deal for me, because this has not been something that has really been in my wheelhouse. And so you want to talk about stretching and growing. It’s been a huge year that for me personally
Matthew Hoffman 02:08
And me too golly, we’ve and Kim is right, I love I get to do this with her. It’s not something I have to do, I get to do it with her. And I love because I get to be side by side next to the person that I love and care about the most. And the people that we have talked to and learn from these last 68 episodes over this last year have been amazing. And it’s blessed us and we know it’s bless you our listeners, because we’ve gotten so many tips, tricks, insights, stories, tools that we’ve been able to apply and use to level up our number one relationship. And so we put these two reels together with samples and pieces. It’s in the show notes of who you’ll be hearing from if you want to go back and check out the full episode. So we hope you enjoy what we’ve put together, which is a year back taking the greatest moments of the Kickass Couples Podcast and bringing it to you so that you can remember one important thing.
Kimberly Hoffman 03:06
Happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.
Matthew Hoffman 03:11
Thanks for joining us
Congressman Roger Williams 03:13
Creating a an environment that is peaceful. And when it gets a little away from that being the big boy and pulling back and getting it back on track. I think you’re committed to their needs. I mean, at any given time, is it health? Is it spiritual? Is it financial? You know, what is it and just doing things to keep the chain of compassion moving forward, as opposed to stop in it and say, Well, I don’t want to do that. I don’t have time for that. Or I’ll do it later. I mean, we’re all guilty of that. But the less we can do that, the better it is I visualize a smooth road, not one with bumps on it. And most of the time. Us guys are the ones creating the bumps if you really look at it. So if I can debump. I think I’m doing my part.
Matthew Hoffman 04:07
I love what you talked about. I’m a firm believer congressman in the written word as well. We seem communication seems to be kind of a lost art today, doesn’t it? People rely on an emoji you know, a one image emoji is supposed to tell somebody you love them. But that’s okay. But that written word sitting down and seeing someone’s handwritten word. I think there’s a chapter in my book that’s coming out and it’s you know, write her a letter, and you got to write those letters, and express the gratitude.
Patty Williams 04:32
Congressman Roger Williams 04:32
You have to and I call those letters from left field. You get a letter you don’t expect and it doesn’t have to be a letter, right? I mean, I could write you a note and say Matthew, love you, man. And it’ll say everything I need to say but it came out of left field you weren’t expecting it.
Matthew Hoffman 04:39
Congressman Roger Williams 04:43
And when you don’t expect something that makes it even better.
Matthew Hoffman 04:51
What do you think makes you a Kickass couple?
Natalie Southward 04:55
So I would say, I would say our faith right? So we, we love God more than we love each other. And so because of that, I believe that it shines in our relationship with one another to be like minded to stay in the healthy before we used to, you know, kind of bow up, like, Alright, let’s go, let’s go toe to toe, who’s gonna say, oh, yeah, who’s gonna have the last word walking out of the room speaking under my breath, you know, things like that, that’s a trigger, right? But we’ve learned what triggers each other, we have enough respect. And for for I have enough respect for him. But I also have self respect. And to recognize that that’s not attractive, I want my husband to find me sexy. And me talking under my breath, me, mumbling and me saying some, some rude words, that’s not attractive, that’s not drawing him towards me. So I feel like we table things extremely well. And then we come back to it in appropriate time and unpack it to where we’re really in a space of listening to hear one another versus listening to speak. And that’s a problem out of that list. Intimacy is most important. So when I look at that word, you know, I think of like, primary for me is having that spiritual intimacy with my husband, and being able to, because if I don’t have that spiritual intimacy, then I’m not going to have that emotional intimacy, right. So that spiritual intimacy is solid, we have this beautiful emotional intimacy, right? Which there’s like this intellectual intimacy that’s experienced, and then I can have that physical closeness, which then leads to the sexual intimacy. So it’s just that solid flow for me, like that continuum of intimacy that we hit that in our marriage, and it is, I mean, yes, like, trust me with everything, you know, because when, when that intimacy is filled up in my life, 100%.
Nancy Hensley 06:56
The Lord God has been the cornerstone of our lives for both of us.
Matthew Hoffman 07:03
Right, right. And there you go.
Nancy Hensley 07:05
Matthew Hoffman 07:05
That was will you say that again, Nancy, because I think that’s a great a great comment, please share that with us again.
Nancy Hensley 07:10
Okay. George and I I believe that the Lord Jesus Christ as our Lord, and He is the cornerstone of our marriage and our lives. We have a little saying that we share often. It’s this each for the other, both for God. And it means a great deal to both of us. It’s a little saying thats been in my family way back to my grandparents. And we have had it through my parents years, and engraved in their rings, and in George’s ring, and in mine. And, George will tell you, what, how it feels to him?
George Hensley 08:07
Well, yes, of course, I had no idea about that. The motto Shall I call it for our life.
Matthew Hoffman 08:13
13 critical qualities that need to be in a relationship and be well expressed, for that relationship to work. And of those 13 we have the three C’s, and those three C’s are commitment, communication, which you spoke about earlier, and conflict resolution. So I want to start with commitment. And I want to say, George, I’m asking you to start. What does commitment look like in your relationship with Nancy?
George Hensley 08:39
Well, I’m glad you suggested that as a question to me, because I had selected that as being one area that I really focused on.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:47
Like you said, you just stand up tall and proud. And it makes us feel safe, it makes us feel secure. And it makes us feel that we are solid in our relationship with each other. And I just, I love to hear that, because I don’t think enough people do that. Not enough people start their day with those expressions, or even in their day, with those expressions for each other. But that’s what lifts us up and keeps us going and really makes us want to work together and be a team.
George Hensley 09:21
One of the things I like to do, is I like to go and say, How can I help? You know, there might not be anything that she wants me to do. But what it says to me is I really want to know if I can help relieve some of your day he can I relieve what you’re doing that and in some way.
Kimberly Hoffman 09:44
Good conflict resolution is a part of marriage. And and so I’m I’m curious if either one of you can take this question first. How have you resolved conflict in your marriage when there’s been conflict? What are some tools? Some ideas? What are some ways that when things get a little heated, and you’re upset? What are some ways that you work with each other?
Nancy Hensley 10:15
I don’t really know how to answer that. But I do know that it helps if I know I’ve hurt George’s feelings.
Matthew Hoffman 10:24
When it comes to creating a Kickass marriage? Do you ever wonder what you could be doing better? Have you ever thought how helpful would be to be a part of a like minded community of other imperfect couples who want to level up and their number one relationship? Come visit Kickass Couples Nation, where you can talk with people just like you are looking for ways to invest in and increase their joy, commitment, and fulfillment in their most important human relationship. You’ll have access to a team of licensed marriage therapists, coaches, articles, podcasts, live webinars and more. Just visit “matthewphoffman.com”. So you can learn more about a community that’s ready to help you level up. That’s “matthewphoffman.com” So you can become of the growing Kickass Couples Nation right now.
Elyse Archer 11:12
To me when you say that, and it’s like, no, we’re gonna grow together this like no matter what. I’ve learned that it’s always about fighting for the relationship. And knowing that kind of my conditioning in my background was if something gets hard, you like, make the other person wrong for it, or you walk out. And that’s not. That’s, that’s not how we roll in this relationship. So to me, the commitment is like we’re fighting for each other, we’re fighting for the relationship. And we, if we need to step out for a minute and take a walk or do whatever we do, but we always come back together and talk about what, like what’s really going on deep down and how we can use it to grow more together, I’ll say one of the things that one of my coaches said to me recently, that really shifted my mindset on things she was like, you have to almost treat your marriage, like a business, not in a way where you take all the fun and the romance out of it. But she said, if you were like, think about how much energy and effort you’re pouring into the relationship, versus your business. And for me, my safe zone was always my business. Like, that’s my comfort zone. I know how to excel there. I didn’t, and I wasn’t pouring that same level of attention and energy and effort into our relationship. I think there are parts of it that it’s sometimes you just like I was just taking things for granted. And I’ve learned you really can’t do it. So to your point before of shifting gears from business mode to personal mode, one of the things I’ve been doing lately that has been really helpful is just literally walking out the doors of the office, and breathing and mentally envisioning that work is in the office. And I’m walking out now because I’m gonna walk into mom mode and wife mode and just breathing and setting the intention of how do I want to show up in this moment? And then looking at if I want our relationship to grow and thrive, how can like, what do I need to do to fuel it? And what sort of level of effort do I need to put into communicating with him and letting him know that he matters and is needed and is valid, like so valued, because there was a time where I was just really taking that for granted that he knew and I don’t think we always know. So those few things really been game changers,
Chris Cambas 13:21
And go for understanding of those, their communication would be much better. I think they might avoid the four horsemen. I think, you know, they, they might not get hung up on their perpetual issues as much. So I think one, you know, one quick step to help them get toward effective communication is just thinking, you know, that, why this is my reality happening? My partner has one as well, then let me go for an understanding of that thing and not dig in for my thing. Right? Because I love you. And so I want to understand your world. Right? Yeah, even if I don’t agree with it, right? I need to understand it. And at least it gives me some insight into how you might be, you know, interacting with me in the moment. And then from there, in my mind, I can start saying, Well, okay, well, I know where this attaches to back in there, then their history just might go to a trigger, this might be this, this might be that and I can be more empathic towards. But I think if we can shift that paradigm to thinking, look, you know, the universe is just not me. Like my partner has their own universe too. And let me dial into that. I think that’s a great first step for effective communication. Time is essential. I like to give, I like to challenge couples to do things. So I’ll say look, just write down, you know, 20-25 questions. What frequently, right? And just sit down and ask your partner that’s what your stuff you want to know about them. And then I want you to keep a 90 day journal. Where every day you have to find two to three good things about your partner, and your relationship and then speak and they’re connected can never be duplicate content. So whatever you Find on day One can never content can never be used again, days two through ninety will start try to change their brains. So we’re getting to know them, we’re looking for the good and healthy speak. And then the third thing is I just challenged them to turn toward in the small things, if your partner texts you immediately respond, they call you pick it up with a smile, and, you know, a sweet tone. If you’re texting, and they speak to you, stop immediately, and you know, speak to them. So we’re, we’re spending time getting to know our partner, right? We’re looking for the good in them, in our relationship, and then we speak it, and we’re turning towards them in the small thing, which is how we build trustworthiness. That’s our friendship, right? And friendship, by far is the most important thing, you know, to relationships, like good, strong, healthy friendships. So you know, those are very practical things that couples can do, they’re very easy. They’re very, very simple. And if I love you, and I want to have a good relationship with you, this shouldn’t be a problem for me.
Jenny Swisher 15:59
At that phase of our life with growing together, like just being really open in our communication and being always supportive of the other one and the other one’s dreams. And that carried through to marriage as well. So I would have to say that.
Matthew Hoffman 16:13
Chris Swisher 16:14
And I think I’ll add, I think it’s always been about support, and realizing that one person’s dreams is really both of our dreams. And no matter what phase of life we’ve gone through, whether it be a job change, or career change, we’ve always supported that person 100%. They pursuing their dream. And no matter what, it was always, we always shared that dream with the other person. And we’re always committed to moving forward together and supporting each other, and figuring out our way through that. And so I think that for me, it’s always comes back to support never saying no, never saying, Hey, we can’t do that. It’s always we’re going to find a way to make this work. We’re going to find a way to make make it successful, and still love each other all the way through this.
Matthew Hoffman 17:00
Jenny Swisher 17:00
Yeah. Yeah. I would agree with that. I mean, I think, you know, we said support in the beginning was probably what makes us work, and what makes us happy? And, you know, before before children, right, it was all about, like, what are the different things that you feel, you know, what is your purpose, like, outside of our marriage or outside of whatever, like, Who are you and what, you know, who are you called to serve? And and it’s changed over the years, like, he’s had multiple job changes. I’ve, you know, left the corporate world for doing more entrepreneurship, type stuff. And we’ve had health issues arise, we’ve had different different, you know, obviously, every couple goes through different things. But through it all, I think commitment is like, this unwavering. I like to say all in right, when I talk to women about health and fitness commitment is being all in, it’s making that vow that no matter what happens, good or bad, you’re going to stick to it and you’re going to work through it.
Jillian Flodstrom 17:54
If there’s a situation we have the code word of like, okay, like you’re kind of a getting on my last nerve. Would you like to sing the song honey?
Joe Vego 18:04
I always sing, Oh, how I love Jesus. That’s like the code of like, okay, like, push me on my last nerve.
Jillian Flodstrom 18:16
Matthew Hoffman 18:16
Do you use the same one, Jill,?
Jillian Flodstrom 18:20
I do. I definitely don’t sing as well as he does. But sometimes you’ll hear that just randomly, I’ll be in a different part of the house. And I could hear him singing that and I’m like, Whoa.
Anthony Primmer 18:30
The key is we compliment each other. That’s, that’s the big thing. We complement each other. From the very beginning, from the very beginning, we we mesh together, we got along great together, compliment each other. And we’ve both grown so much from when we first met, we’re like two completely different people. But throughout that entire growth process, we we’ve grown together stronger over that period. And so we continue to compliment each other. So as Christy has, like, launched herself into stardom, I’m here for the ride, but I’m here to help and compliment.
Christy Primmer 19:13
We are in this to win it. So we made the decision when we got married many many years ago that we were going to be the most epic couple we could be and being a representation not just for our son, but for other people. So I think I think we’re doing a pretty good job. So it was ingrained in me family first. And, you know, treating my mother with respect set an example, a high high standard, actually, of what I expected from my intimate partner.
Kimberly Hoffman 19:47
That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the Kickass Couples Podcast. If you liked the content of the show, the love Matthews newly released book, “Kickass Husband: Winning at Life, and Sex.” To receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate the show and leave us a review in Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune into. Then email us a screenshot of your review at “firstname.lastname@example.org” And we’ll get it over to you right away. Until next time, remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.