Why Patience Is Essential For Romantic Relationships, Ep. 51 Pillar Patience

“Patience is not sitting and waiting. It’s foreseeing. It’s looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.” Love

Matthew Hoffman 01:55

that. That’s great. Yeah. What a huge virtue. I mean, outside of this is one of our 14 pillars. But patience is so important. And as my wife can attest to our 27 short years together, it is a virtue that I struggle with. And you know, I’m more impatient than patient. And I want to get to the end, I want to get things done, I want to achieve I’m very results-oriented and driven and me allowing things to unfold and happen is something I have to work on , for sure.

Kimberly Hoffman 02:27

I think that that is while I think all of us have to work on patience I really have an issue with patience as well. I think I’ve grown a lot, just even in the last probably five years when it comes to patience. But I think a lot of males struggle with that. Because I think they’re really result- oriented and don’t have a lot of patience. When it comes to really digging into and maybe getting into the finer side of things. You know, you just you’re ready to just hit it hard and get it done and move on.

Matthew Hoffman 03:03

And something an area that I’ve grown in a lot the last five years has been my patience in communication. And, you know, being a guy and I maybe this is not just a male thing, but being impatient. When Kim is communicating with me. I want her to get to the point. It’s like “okay, okay, okay, what, what’s the heart of the matter?” And she wants to emote and express and share emotion and give me context. And in my mind, I’m racing and saying, “what’s the what’s the bottom line? Right? What’s the solution? Where do we want to arrive?” And I’ve had to learn how to really seek that understanding, and increase my patience and give her the space to communicate in the way that best suits her. And so that’s one of the patient things that I’ve gotten, I wouldn’t say I’m perfect at it. But I’ve certainly gotten better at it. I think as time has gone on

Kimberly Hoffman 03:50
What, what exactly is patience? If you were to sum it up?

Matthew Hoffman 03:55

You know, I think I looked I think I looked at the the word patience, Makrothumia is how it’s said in Greek which means long suffering. Right or slow to anger. And I think it’s, it’s, it’s allowing, and letting you know, when things need space and oxygen to take form. It’s being willing to more flow with the river, as opposed to try to put up dams and banks to guide and force the river to go a certain way.

Kimberly Hoffman 04:24
I think it’s more about accepting or even tolerating delay.

Matthew Hoffman 04:32
Yeah. Right. And, and knowing that that doesn’t mean that it that you’re failing in it and that

the process isn’t going right. But it’s just part of the process.

Kimberly Hoffman 04:41

Sure. Right. Absolutely. Well, I think that, you know, one of one of the things that I have learned in our relationship is how to really not go from you know, 0 to 60 immediately And that used to be my tendency was to just if something wasn’t going my way to just really, almost start World War III. And I’ve really learned how to take a step back to do some self-soothing, and to really try to understand better where we are in that moment, rather than just go down that slippery slope of you know, really creating conflict, and then maybe you becoming resentful, because I’m spouting off and I’m accusing and I’m hurting you.

Matthew Hoffman 05:43
And I think that one of the things you talked about 0 – 60 and speed, right. My father-in-law has

a famous saying. He says, “Speed Kills.”

Kimberly Hoffman 05:52 Says it all the time.

Matthew Hoffman 05:53

He does. And it’s true. And I think, you know, thinking in terms of that slowing down, and slowing down, you know, when you’re doesn’t think anything, any interaction, conversation, communication, anything, any interaction you’re having with your spouse, you gotta go slow, because you got to feel, you have to think you have to hear you have to be able to respond. And even impulsivity is just a dangerous thing in a relationship. And if you’re impulsive, in your responses, you’re not thinking. You know, it’s kind of like, “take a breath, pause, breathe, and respond.” PBR, I heard this, I was listening to a podcast. And there’s a gentleman who has T- shirts PBR – pause, breathe, and then reevaluate and respond. And it just taking the time to slow down, and make sure that you are aware, you’re processing, and you’re not letting emotion drive your response, especially to your spouse, to the person who you’re supposed to love and appreciate the most. And that it’s really based on your values. Because I think anytime that we let emotion take over, is when we get into trouble. It doesn’t mean we don’t have them, and we express them. But if you look at a little kid who’s governed by their

emotions, right, I mean, they’re on the floor kicking and screaming, having a tantrum, because they don’t get their way. And I mean, how funny it is to think about an adult doing that, if they don’t get their way. So I think slowing down. Right, huge and working on that muscle of patience.

Kimberly Hoffman 07:30

Yeah, I agree. So what I think happens is that when it’s a couple, right, the next stage is our relationship, we’ve got our children, and we have learned how to have patience through them. But as a couple, for whatever reason, we don’t have that patience with one another. Right? We don’t, we don’t take what we’ve learned through that, and bring it to our relationship. We’re just so easily set off by each other. And I think we have to really learn over a lifetime, how to accept what or whatever is happening, and to try to understand whatever is happening in that moment, and to just really look at each other and be willing to grow and learn together.

Matthew Hoffman 08:55

Yeah, I would agree with that. I think that there’s a great model for patience. And we’ve talked about this before Kim. It’s the Flower/Gardener model. And if you think of yourself as a gardener, not just of your own soul, but of your spouse’s soul. And what are the qualities that come out of gardening, I think one is, as a gardener, you recognize the innate goodness and the qualities of whatever it is you’re planting. I mean, if it’s a seed, the crazy thing is that seed has everything it needs to grow and blossom into a beautiful flower. A plant that gives food could be anything, right. So I think you have to recognize though that just because it’s a see doesn’t mean it’s any less beautiful. So just because your spouse is at a different point where maybe they’re not fully mature or able to express something you’re working on. There’s still innate goodness and qualities in there. And I think as a gardener, then what are you doing to cultivate or create the conditions for their success? Are you giving the soil the water, the sun, keeping pests away, and all the things that are and then nurturing. Right? I mean, think about how long a gardener works with a seed, there’s activity happening even though nothing. It’s all below the surface. Right? So and think about too, and you talked about kids earlier, our kids go through seasons. Right? I mean seasons, when you’re there in a diaper, and you are, they are 100% unresponsive. But they can’t do anything for themselves. And then there’s points when they think they know it all, yet, they still you still need to help them. So your patience is has seasons, and so does your spouse and partner, we have three children, one’s in grad school, one’s in college and other one’s in middle school. We’re not empty nesters like a lot of our friends, but it’s two on one. And we both work full-time, in the home and out of the home. And so we’re in different seasons. So your effort changes depending on what season you’re in. And kind of Lastly, it’s recognizing and appreciating when growth has occurred. And just because the flower is not in full bloom and ready for picking to admire, it’s recognizing and appreciating the different stages and growth, and then speaking it to your partner, if you recognize it, and you’re not sharing your witnessed growth with them, then you’re holding back and really depriving the relation I think of an awful lot.

Kimberly Hoffman 11:13

I agree. I think that, you know, we have to shift our thought from being critical towards each other and judging to being loving and patient. And I think that’s when the the real growth

Matthew Hoffman 11:31 I would agree with that.

Kimberly Hoffman 11:34
So what are a few ways, Matthew, that we can practice patience in our relationship?

Matthew Hoffman 11:40

It’s a great question. And I think, you know, how do we work on that muscle? Right? And I think you have to begin with yourself. Because when you’re, if you’re going to your spouse and saying, “Hey, these are the things that you’ve got to work on, and the fingers and the finger pointing the finger, because there’s so many things that they got to work on, you know, we really got to start with yourself. So I think you have to say, “Am I demonstrating and being patient in my communication, with their fears, with their anxiety, with their concerns, with their hardships and troubles?” And if you are, then you can really it’s not about talking, but it’s kind of that art of listening. Right? Patient is because if we’re going to understand and we can perceive and pick up the non-verbal and the body language, but I think that we have to be better listeners, because are you really hearing your spouse, or you being patient enough to slow down and listen, and then practicing that empathy, you know, seeing their perspective, validating it and honoring it as your own.

Kimberly Hoffman 12:36
And it doesn’t mean that you have to agree with it. But it just means that you are validating

how they feel because everyone is entitled to feel the way that they feel.

Matthew Hoffman 12:45 Yeah, no doubt.

Kimberly Hoffman 12:46

You’re trying to understand why they feel that way. And I think that that’s real true. Listening, it goes a long way and having patience. I think acceptance too, I think I have to accept you for who you are. And I’m not going to try to mold you and make you into something that you’re not or something that I want you to be. I think that it’s really important that we have patience and accepting our partner, just the way they are. Now, if there are some things that might gently need to be brought up that are some things that are really coming between the two of you, occurs.

then I think you have to figure out a very calm and loving way to address those things. But I think that actually trying to change someone’s basic nature isn’t going to happen. Yeah, I mean, I or you or do you don’t want it done? No.

Matthew Hoffman 13:46

I mean, it’s not about making them into the image you want them to be in, or learning to love and appreciate who they are and where they are. Right now. It’s kind of like you know, before you get married, if you’re not completely happy with that person the way they are right, then Marriage isn’t a magic wand. It makes it better. In fact, it probably makes it more difficult. But I think Kim, what you’re talking about, allowing them to be themselves, you got to set realistic expectations of yourself not biting off more you can chew and promising to deliver something that you may not be able to but setting realistic expectations for them, as well. And change is difficult. And so being patient, if they’re working through an issue and say, “oh my gosh, we’ve been talking about this for five years now. When are they going to get there?” That’s not being patient. And so I think you have to be realistic with your and their expectations of things that can happen and how quickly they can happen.

Kimberly Hoffman 14:39

I think you have to learn how to adjust and you have to learn how to compromise in your relationship. You really have to talk it out and figure out what a good solution might be for both of you. Right? It’s got to be a win win. This isn’t about you winning and me losing or vice versa. We’re on the same team. And it’s got to be a win for both of us. So I think learning how to compromise and adjust in your relationship really does go a long way.

Matthew Hoffman 15:10

It is. When it comes to creating a Kickass marriage, do you ever wonder what you could be doing better? Have you ever thought how helpful would it be to be a part of a like-minded community of other imperfect couples who want to level up their number one relationship? Come visit Kickass Couples Nation where you can talk with people just like you who are looking for ways to invest and increase their joy, commitment, and fulfillment in their most important human relationship. You’ll have access to a team of licensed marriage therapist, coaches, articles, podcasts, live webinars and more. Just visit https://www.matthewphoffman.com so you can learn more about a community that’s ready to help you level up. That’s https://www.matthewphoffman.com. So you can become part of the growing Kickass Couples Nation right now. And I think a lot of people confuse Kim, I think maybe a misinterpretation of patience. Patience is not simply the ability to wait and be idle. It doesn’t mean that working Yeah, it’s like, it’s like, it’s like a duck, you know, like a duck on the surface, smooth and calm, glidin’ over the surface. But look under the surface, see those little feet are paddling like crazy. Right? Good friend of mine in the restaurant business goes, “you got to be like a duck, cool, calm outside, but under the surface, man, those feet are going as fast as they can.” And that’s true. So can you think of I think people need to know that there are things you can do to work on your patience. Right. And, you know, we talked about starting with yourself, I think one of the things is if you feel like you’re waiting, and because your spouse hasn’t gotten back to you, or it could even not be your spouse, but another situation is kind of like what are the practice

the active things you can do to work on your patience. And I think one of those things, while you seem to be waiting, is to express gratitude. Because I think that if you’re not getting something back from your partner, because you’re being patient and waiting, in the meantime, if you’re expressing gratitude to them for who they are and what they’re doing, that’s going to reinforce them and make them feel validated, and probably give them a little bit more freedom to move on something that they’re working through.

Kimberly Hoffman 15:59

Sure. I think this is, like I was I was just kind of laughing today. I feel like it’s a verb, but I think it patience comes into play almost every single day. And it might not just be our relationship, but it’s going to be with our relationship with our family, with our friends, with our children. And I think practicing patience is a huge virtue, and something that we all would benefit from being more aware of.

Matthew Hoffman 17:54

Right. Right. So if what would you say like what’s something that you’re working on? If it was something that you do to work on your patience with me? Or that you think someone else could adapt to say, “Well, okay, I agree. patience is important. Right? I agree. I gotta work on it. But what can people do? To start, you know, that muscle? Do you have any thoughts about that?

Kimberly Hoffman 18:18

I think it’s different for everyone. For me, if I feel like I’m being flooded, or we’re having some conflict, and I’m in a, just in a sort of a turmoil, I have learned how to just do some deep breathing, and really take a step back and take a pause. And that has really helped me, it has helped me out a lot. I think another another great thing is, is maybe doing something fun together, right? You’re in this, you’re in this kind of mode of maybe you’re having some conflict or maybe there’s some underlying things going on and you’re in that waiting period. Go do something fun together. Laugh together, really just try to be a little lighter with it, I think it is a good opportunity.

Matthew Hoffman 18:18
So you say change it up, change, change the circumstance, change the environment,

Kimberly Hoffman 18:20

Switch it up, go do maybe you’re gonna go paddleboard together. You know? Maybe just go do an activity together, so that you’re not so focused on whatever the issue might be at the moment.

Right? I think yeah, carving out intentional time together is huge, because you want to-Time together means you’re interacting on a different level. And if it’s recreational, or social, you know, sitting in a movie is not is not time together. I mean, you’re next to each other and you’re watching a movie and that’s a shared experience, maybe but doing something that’s active that you can communicate and engage Kim and I ruck a lot. And it’s an hour, an hour and a half and we have an opportunity to talk because we’re actively doing something but not so much that it keeps us from connecting with each other. And those are some of the best talks that we’ve had with each other by doing that. So I think that’s,

Kimberly Hoffman 20:07

They are and while we’re doing that we’re actually exercising patience, because sometimes we get into some really deep talks. And it means just really being patient and quiet and listening, and letting that other person really have the floor for a little bit.

Matthew Hoffman 20:24

And I think timing, you know, that leads into the topic of timing, I think timing in a relationship is huge, because when is the right time to communicate about something? You don’t want to catch your spouse off guard, by demanding they talk about something in a moment that they’re not ready to receive it. And I think it’s always good to give them an opportunity to say, “hey, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about, when can we carve out some time to do that?” “Oh, there’s something you want to talk about?” “Yeah, what would be the best?” Because now they know A – You want to talk about something, it’s important to you, and you can schedule it, that is a good time for both of you. So in the middle of a discussion, someone’s not saying, “hey, this isn’t the right time for me, or I don’t want to talk about that now.”So it’s good to be proactive if you can, or say, hey, something came up, I’d like us to spend some time talking about it. So timing is critical. And I think it’s important that you’re aware of that as you’re approaching this issue of patience.

Kimberly Hoffman 21:19
Sure. Anything else that you feel like you really wanted to bring up during this episode?

Matthew Hoffman 21:28

You know, I think that there’s a Mary Baker Eddy has an expression, a book she wrote called Science and Health, it says, “patience must have her perfect work.” And I think that when you’re and I think what she meant by that is that when you’re expressing patience, you’re doing what it takes for everybody and everything else that has nothing to do with you to come into place and form that perfect concept that can represent itself and move forward harmoniously. So getting self out of the way and allowing, whether it’s your spouse, whether it’s divine intervention, or anybody else that may have, you have really no idea what may need to move for you to get progress in a situation so your patience and willingness to let it unfold is kind of that same analogy. You know, like a flower, when you see that flower bud on a vine, you

can’t wait till it’s in full bloom. But if you try to open it and manually do that, you’re gonna kill the flower. So by letting patience have it’s perfect work, that means you’re sitting back and saying, You know what, when that flower is supposed to bloom, that idea, that concept, that thing, we’re working on our relationship, as long as I’m listening, and dedicated, and being faithful, I can let go of the personal responsibility and watch it unfold. Because I’m doing my work. And it’s not up to me to make it happen. I think our willingness to let go of that human expectation, like I’m going to make this happen, right,

Kimberly Hoffman 22:59

I, you know, I in my own, in my own practice of patience, in my own practice with my faith, I think that that has come into play a lot. There have been so many times that I have really earnestly prayed about things and don’t always get an answer right away. And maybe in some cases, it’s taken years for something to be resolved or healed. But it’s interesting that when it when it finally is that I can’t imagine it being more perfect. So like you said, just waiting for that perfect unfoldment. And that beautiful flower to bloom. I believe for myself, waiting on on God or waiting for that to actually happen is teaching me so much during that waiting process. We forget that how we forget about how much we’re learning during the practice of patience.

Matthew Hoffman 24:02
Yeah, we’re being growing, we’re being stretched, and we’re growing and challenged. And I

think in those experiences is when that true growth and meaning occurs, and

Kimberly Hoffman 24:11

it’s so beautiful when it does blossom. And when those answers do come and those prayers are answered, it is such a beautiful thing because I can’t imagine it being more perfect or better in any other way.

Matthew Hoffman 24:25

I agree. And so, we hope you all have gotten a little bit out of our talk here our deep dive on our patience pillar today. It’s one of 14 that we have at Kickass Couples Nation, the platform of all the qualities that we think really need to be present and successfully demonstrated in order to have a fulfilling, rewarding relationship and marriage. And so if you haven’t been to Kickass Couples Nation, we hope you’ll go out and check it out. We’ve got incredible resources there. We’ve got offers and opportunities for membership so you can join a community of like-minded individuals that are dedicated to learning how to prioritize their number one relationship, and how to get rid of the ignorance they may have about strengthening and deepening their number one relationship.

Kimberly Hoffman 25:09
Thanks for listening today everyone and remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen.

Matthew Hoffman 25:17
It’s on purpose. We’ll see you next time.

Kimberly Hoffman 25:21

That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the Kickass Couples Podcast. If you liked the content of the show, then you’ll love Matthews newly released book, “Kickass Husband: Winning At Life, Marriage and Sex.” To receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book, all you have to do is rate the show and leave us a review on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune in to. Then email us a screenshot of your review at podcast at kickass couples podcast.com. And we’ll get it over to you right away. Until next time, remember, happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.