TRANSCRIPT
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
relationship, seth, marriage, conflict, commitment, naturally, communication, big, people, learned, crystal, talk, fight, communicate, wedge, couples, hear, intimacy, conversations, feel
SPEAKERS
Crystal Karnes, Kimberly Hoffman, Matthew Hoffman, Seth & Crystal Karnes, Seth Karnes
Matthew Hoffman
Welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast. We are excited to have guests who are coming from Broken Arrow Oklahoma. The first time we’ve had Oklahomans with us and we are talking with Seth and Crystal Karnes today about what it means to be kick ass. So thanks for joining us today guys.
Crystal Karnes
Yeah. Thanks for having us.
Seth Karnes
I’m so glad you said Oklahomans and not Okies.
Matthew Hoffman
Okies, well, I didn’t I was added. That’s obviously something you don’t like to hear, I guess.
Seth Karnes
It’s just usually where people get the Okie from Muskogee thing.
Crystal Karnes
Yeah.
Matthew Hoffman
Okay.
Kimberly Hoffman
Gotcha.
Matthew Hoffman
All right. I won’t go there, I promise. So we love to start off by asking everybody I’d like to hear from each of you. And maybe crystal, you’d start if you don’t mind, today. I’d like you to tell us what do you think makes you and Seth a kick ass couple?
Crystal Karnes
We’re kick ass in so many different ways. I mean, from having so much in common and just loving to do everything together and the passion that we have in our relationship and the fun that we have in our relationship, that I mean that everything about it is kick ass.
Matthew Hoffman
That’s great. I’d love to hear it. How about you, Seth? What do you think makes you guys kick ass?
Seth Karnes
Yeah, I mean, it really is just a complete other next level of compatibility on everything. Just being we were very fortunate that we found each other because we’re just naturally on the same page with everything. So it just alleviates a lot of normal conflict that you see in marriages we just don’t deal with some of it’s very intentional. But some of it is just really naturally an organic, we just don’t have the conflict because we are so compatible.
Matthew Hoffman
That’s great.
Kimberly Hoffman
Intentionality goes a long way as well, doesn’t it? I love hearing that because so many of us aren’t in our relationships. So when we are intentional, we get to reap the benefit of that. I wanted I want to go backward a little bit before we go forward about your relationship because I really believe that we can be the product of those who raised us and that we bring a lot of our history into our present relationship. And so Seth, I would love to hear from you first, what did love look like when you were growing up as a child? How was it expressed?
Seth Karnes
I was raised an only child. My parents weren’t the best example of love. They, my mother felt really trapped most of her marriage. My father was very controlling, and very, my way or the highway type of mentality. And so my mother finally had enough of that, when I was about 15/16 years old. And that was the end of it. Now, doesn’t mean there weren’t signs of affection and good moments and things like that. But I really kind of took what I saw, as people can learn from good and bad examples. I’m one of those people, I can see a bad example say, I don’t want to do that other people see that bad example. And they say, This is why I am the way I am. I’m kind of the opposite of that. So that was kind of what I was exposed to growing up.
Kimberly Hoffman
How about you Crystal? What did love look like? How was that expressed in your household when you were younger.
Crystal Karnes
So my parents were pretty affectionate towards each other. I would say, unfortunately, I think that my mom was more loved, loved my dad more than he loved her. She’s now passed. And he has moved on and is in a new marriage, which he has completely changed and treats his new wife the way that she should be treated. And I think that, I think unfortunate, unfortunately, for me, like, probably a lot of people, I wasn’t able to see my parents experience, like what we have here. And but now I’m happy that my dad is happy and able to experience a love, like what we have too.
Kimberly Hoffman
Of course. And so, now that you and Seth are together, has it been difficult for you to bring some of those? Did I guess the question is, did you have some baggage when you came to your relationship with Seth, from your parents, and if you didn’t, did you have to work through that?
Crystal Karnes
I don’t think I have baggage from from my parents. I think that like Seth, I am a person that learned from other people’s mistakes, or my because my parents were very good about telling me and my sister did not do the bad stuff that they did throughout their life. I mean, they they got married at a very young age, or both, they got pregnant first and then got married. And then at a very, very young age, and, and so they always were, you know, really good about telling us don’t do what we did, and don’t make the same mistakes that we did. And so I really did take that as I’m not going to make those mistakes. And so I don’t really think that I came with that kind of baggage. And I think from my previous relationship, I learned a whole heck of a lot. And I think I made those mistakes in that relationship.
Seth Karnes
And that’s really been one of our big talking points in in teaching things is, we’ve made the same mistakes in that everybody makes a marriage as we just made in our last marriage and relationship, not in this one. So we were grown up. By the time we found each other and all the bad habits never got formed. We made all those mistakes previously. So unfortunately for the left relationships, obviously those didn’t work out. But fortunately, we did learn from those mistakes and just have not replicated them in our own marriage.
Matthew Hoffman
Sure. What do you think? Can you guys share? What do you think some of the things that you learned from the past relationships that you’ve done differently in this one that have allowed you all to have that success that you’re sharing with us today?
Seth Karnes
I think it’s funny because because we joke about it, but we’re pretty sweet. We mean it when we say it really was finding for us it was really it was kind of almost solidifying what we already thought about our last relationships that sounds awful, that we weren’t the problem it was so I think we were a lot more selective after those relationships on what we wanted. But as far as the mistakes that were made before, I think a lot of it was in and she can she can answer for self as well. But from the experiences we had, we knew that we didn’t have boundaries in the last relationships, whether that was communication boundaries. It was simple stuff, like just not knowing what other people wanted out of life, wanted out of out of marriage, wanted out of social life. You know we came into this, as you know, my ex wife wanted to go out and run around with her girlfriends and go on trips to Vegas and go do all of these things without me. So that was a huge, like, I don’t want you to do that. I didn’t want her to do that. And she knew what I’d went through with that, and she doesn’t behave like that, that she doesn’t want to do those things. And, and so I think that really just knowing what we didn’t like, out of the last relationship, and what we felt were very big pain points that was on the list of, I’m not going to put up with this anymore. Whenever we’re back out there finding each other. And once again, those those lists just jived very, very well together.
Crystal Karnes
I think also for me, I think that I learned how to, I was very impatient with my ex, and probably rightfully so in some ways, but in others, it’s like, okay, you know, maybe I didn’t have to be so mean. But, um, he’s just easy to deal with. Thank God. But, I think that, yeah, I learned more patience to be more patient. And I don’t need a whole lot of patience with him, though, but, but I also learned that kind of to put myself in his shoes. So you know, how would I feel if that was going on? And doesn’t even it, and it’s really nothing that we have done in our relationship, but I think about stuff that I did in my previous relationship where I now I was like, I’m like, Oh, my gosh, like, I would never do that to him. Like, why why did I? Why was I so you know, I don’t know, just even like going out with the girls or whatever. And I just wouldn’t want to do that to Seth. And I think even like with cleaning, okay, so, for instance, I would get on to my ex about how he cleaned the house. And he was trying, he was trying to help out. But he wasn’t doing it. Right. So, you know, like, I would never tell so if you’re not doing it, right, like
Seth Karnes
That’s the difference, I do it right.
Kimberly Hoffman
You don’t need to.
Seth Karnes
I mean, that’s, that’s what’s just so funny about about our current relationship is we people think we make it we don’t fight, we don’t argue, we don’t disagree, we don’t give each other the silent treatment we it is our motto is good relationships don’t take hard work. And our relationship is just effortless doesn’t mean that we just don’t have the talon or cruise control that everything we do is to please the other one, and just naturally, and so it makes everything effortless so there
Crystal Karnes
It doesn’t feel forced.
Seth Karnes
Yeah, and so we don’t have nothing fights, we don’t have the, you know, Where’s where’s the peanut butter, I can’t find the peanut butter, Where’d you put it this time that all those little nothing fights that couples typically have or just for us a non issue because of how we are.
Matthew Hoffman
It sounds like you both have learned how to wade through a lot of the unnecessary fees. And you know, been there done that, hey, we’re not doing this again. So you can take your intentionality combined with the fact that you each worked hard to make sure you’re equally yoked in the relationship that you have. And that and that’s beautiful. When that happens. And it kind of naturally leads into we have 14 pillars that we talk about. And three of those pillars are what we call the three C’s, which is commitment, communication and conflict resolution. So I’d love to hear Seth, what does commitment look like in your relationship with Crystal?
Seth Karnes
I mean commitment. It’s it’s once again, it’s part of the makeup, it’s part of the DNA, the relationship that we have. It’s not it’s not something that is really thought of intentionally because it is naturally there. I think that you know, commitment for us is is obviously to one another where we’re not going to let outside distractors or anything like that falter that to maintain that continuity of commitment, but it’s also being there. From the standpoint of commitment of a supportive level, its commitment of seeing things through together helping each other get through things together. It really is just at every angle, you know, by your side and behind your back to help you get through these things or do these things with you. So it really is just all encompassing, in the relationship.
Matthew Hoffman
Sure. How about you Crystal was commitment. When you think of that between you and Seth what’s some of the thoughts that you had?
Crystal Karnes
I think it’s being there for each other and through like cuz like for us, we don’t have hard times we have, we have, we don’t. Okay, we don’t have hard times that we put on each other. They’re not self. Yeah, there’s hard times in life, you know, there’s death, there’s, you know other other stuff that can come up. But we aren’t going we are there. And we are there for each other through all of that. And we’re not going to be something negative, when there’s so much other negativity in the world, that this is my person, and I’m committed to him forever.
Matthew Hoffman
Right, Forever is a big word for a lot of people. And I think it’s hard to make that step. But when you do it, it pays off in spades because you’re sending the message that there’s nothing and no one else that you’re with or behind. And that kind of gives you I think it’s really freeing. Some people say, Wow, that kind of commitment is restrictive. But I would say that kind of commitments frame, because when you know that you and your partner both have that same commitment to each other, it opens you up to try new things and go on new adventures without worrying. Are they with me? Do they think the same thing and they can think I’m weird? You know, can they survive? And all those kinds of questions. So it sounds like you guys have done a great job of removing the questions and moving forward and that confidence of how you each feel about one another?
Seth Karnes
Yeah, yeah. And there’s no Plan B, that’s, you know, this is it.
Kimberly Hoffman
The second of our three C’s is communication. And communication can either make or break a relationship, as we well know. And so I’d love to hear how have you mastered communication in your relationships?
Seth Karnes
You know, communication is one of those things where a lot of people, it’s one of the most cliche things that everybody says, you know, communication is key, you can’t have anything without communication. And a lot of people really think they’re very good at communication. They even think they’re, I thought that was my last relationship. I was like, we talked all the time. And we communicated and, and I put talking and communicating in the same category, we believe that there has to be communication, for a reason, and with a result, and the communication has to be an there has to be intentional communication. But there has to be natural communication as well. And Crystal and I, we there’s literally no topic that is off the table. It is just us, you know, I have a grown son that he just turned 24 years old, he and his girlfriend have their own house. So we it’s just us, which is how we like it. And we literally communicate all the time we discuss everything, we talked about current events, past events, our future together, we communicate about things that are bothering us, you know, I don’t, since we don’t really bother each other, I don’t have to call somebody, whether it’s a friend or my mom or my son and complain about her. And she does the same with me. We just really do treat everything as an open book. And there’s just nothing off limits, whether we’re, we’re talking about sex, whether we’re talking about, you know, fun trips, whatever it is, I traveled for my work was actually hidden Hot Springs, Arkansas, this week. And, you know, we will sit in the car for four hours driving there, and we will talk who knows about what, and we will talk the entire time, we’re not just quiet. And I think some of it is I probably liked the sound of my own voice. So I communicate. But it really is just just true open communication about anything and everything that one of us has.
Kimberly Hoffman
How about for you, Crystal? would you add anything to that?
Crystal Karnes
I mean, I think you said it perfectly. But I mean, yeah, open communication about everything and the right type of communication, I think. Because and people like he said, you know, people will talk or whatever or, or they’ll fight and not communicating. That’s not that’s not being heard. Or that you’re, you’re not going anywhere. If you’re gonna just keep fighting, you’re just gonna keep going back and forth. But, yeah, the right type of communication, I guess.
Matthew Hoffman
Well, anybody that’s been in a relationship, I know that you all are well suited for each other, but there aren’t there seem to be conflicts that pop up every now and then. And it’s not really if you’re gonna deal with them. It’s how and so I’m curious, Seth, when you guys have any kind of a conflict or disagreement, you know, how do you process and face that so it doesn’t have a negative impact on your relationship?
Seth Karnes
I think that even when we make the statement that We don’t argue we don’t fight, it doesn’t mean that those things could come up. So it’s a very proactive approach. Anything that we see that is heading down the pipe that may cause a conflict down the road is let’s resolve that before it is a conflict. You know, whether that’s somebody’s coming to visit, whether we’re going to be, you know, going to, I don’t know, taking a trip somewhere where we’re going to be around somebody I don’t want to see or whatever that is, let’s talk about it. Let’s strategize it, let’s discuss it, let’s, let’s figure out what we can do so. So it never ends in a fight so that we’re not fighting with each other, just because the problem is the reason for the potential argument. So it really is just taking that approach. And, and having that foresight, you know, we don’t do any things with hindsight, obviously, you can’t avoid that 100% of time. But we really do go into every situation of weighing it out, I’m a little more, I guess, ideological, with a lot of those approaches, where I look at everything from different angles, I kind of like a better plan and structure with things she’s very just goes with the flow. So that is one of the big things that we don’t have in common, but it is one of those two kind of balances. And so because of that, you know, I see the conflicts coming up, she sees she sees the conflicts coming. And we discuss it right then and there and talk about it and say, Hey, what is this? And that way, we feel more like we’re it’s us against the conflict, instead of the conflict being a wedge, creating a disagreement between the two of us?
Kimberly Hoffman
Can you think of a time that you had a serious conflict that you had to work through? And tell us how you work through it?
Seth Karnes
For us, not, can you think of anything? I mean, I know. We had I mean, it really wasn’t even a conflict, there was a potential big future issue based on a personal oh, gosh, yeah, family situation that she had. We just I just put it on the table. We talked about
Seth Karnes
We talked about it.
Seth Karnes
It was fine.
Crystal Karnes
Like again, with the communication piece, you know, before is that that’s what it is, like for us. You’d like him saying us being proactive about it and talking about it, making sure that if we’re not on the same page, how do we how do we come to that agreement? Or what, you know, what do we have to do to talk talk it through? And really, I mean, with that specific issue? I guess it could have been? It could have been a problem, but it wasn’t. Yeah, it was, it was it was a tough conversation for him to bring up to me. And, and so I mean, I just listen, and I understood where he was coming from. And I don’t know, we just
Seth Karnes
You hit on the good thing we listening was was a huge and I should have brought that up on the communication answer. It’s, that is that two way piece is it’s just it’s being a good listener. It’s giving your your partner the chance to communicate to you by closing your mouth and listening what they have to say and processing what they have have to say instead of trying to think of what your response is going to be immediately, you know, soaking in what they have to say and and that’s what we did with that. And that was before we even got engaged or anything. But yeah, as far as like I said, we just there’s not a whole lot that just pops up that would ever drive a wedge between us.
Matthew Hoffman
So we we’ve talked about three pillars so far, but we have 11 other pillars. I don’t know if you all have that accessible or in front of you of what our pillars are?
Seth Karnes
Yeah, I did. I did. We did look at him. And I haven’t we don’t have enough on the computer that we’re recording.
Matthew Hoffman
No worries. So what I can do is I’ll go through them with you. I’d like you to listen and then when when I say them, I’d like you to think about which pillar jumps out at you or do you think is important and I would love to know why. We have trust and honesty, patience, intimacy, lasting love, selflessness, unity, servant leadership, faith and moral code, appreciation, security, and fun and humor. So, Seth, as I read some of those out, is there one that strikes you that says, Wow, this is important to me or something that I think is essential in a relationship? And why?
Seth Karnes
Yeah, I mean, I think I’ll say intimacy, that I believe that maybe not all of those, but I believe that intimacy is a good part of your foundation. A lot of the other stuff will kind of fall into place I feel for you, I think you’re gonna get, you know, the long lasting relationship and a long lasting love from that, I think you’re gonna get trust from that. I think that a lot of that is going to kind of naturally evolve from that, that level of intimacy. And we always use the word, passion, the passion needs to be there, too, because Because intimacy can mean more than just sex. But we on that list, I would, I would definitely relate to intimacy to more of the sexual side of it. And I think that that that’s in place, that a lot of those things really just kind of happen probably a little more organically, and it makes everything else feel less force. And I think from especially from a lot of men, I believe that most men would put that at the top and stereotypically for women, it’s not. And once again, it’s equally important to her. So I think that intimacy is going to be my big answer.
Matthew Hoffman
Sure.
Kimberly Hoffman
And intimacy can change over time. Right. The longer we’ve been together, it might look a little different. What do you do to keep it strong?
Seth Karnes
I don’t know, what is the answer? Well, I think part of it is we
Crystal Karnes
we continue to
Seth Karnes
Yeah,
Crystal Karnes
We don’t. It’s a priority.
Seth Karnes
Yeah.
Crystal Karnes
It’s a priority in our relationship.
Seth Karnes
Yeah.
Crystal Karnes
And but not I say that as a it’s a priority. But it’s not. It’s not like it’s chores.
Seth Karnes
Yeah,
Seth Karnes
it’s not like, hey, it’s Tuesday.
Crystal Karnes
Yeah.
Seth Karnes
It’s time
Crystal Karnes
Yeah.
Seth Karnes
It’s not like that either. It is just, it’s a major part of our relationship. It’s a big key ingredient as to why we don’t fight why we are so easy to get along with one another. Why, you know, it’s it really is a main nourishment for the relationship. And I think that we just don’t allow the dry spells to take place. Once again, organically, that just that just kind of happens, I think a big piece of it is, is we physically bring the best version of ourselves to each other. You know, I want to look like somebody that she wants to be intimate with. And she’s the same with me. And so we make our, our physical being and our sexuality just a big priority in the relationship.
Matthew Hoffman
Great. And Crystal, is there any of those qualities that jumped out to you, besides the ones we’ve talked about, that you think are important or that are particularly meaningful to you?
Crystal Karnes
I think that a lot, I think fun and humor, and I think, I think unity, I think unity is really is a really good one. And I think like for for us, everybody, everybody knows us as Seth and Crystal we are. That’s us. We’re a unit. And, and so I think that when, when couples don’t have that, I think that it’s a problem. And I think that they tend to, I guess kind of almost put a wedge between themselves just by not being having unity with each other.
Seth Karnes
We always say we’re synonymous with one another. And then to her point, that something like like with with my job, I everybody knows who she is i i do cells, I mean clients, there’s state organizations I work with regularly, and she’s in tow with me everywhere I go. And that’s 100% due to the fact that we just want to spend all of our time together, I work with guys that they would never ever take their wife on a trip because that’s their break from their wife and their kids. We don’t need that break. We’re gonna look for that break. And so, being that one big strong unit is is huge.
Matthew Hoffman
Great examples.
Kimberly Hoffman
We all like to be loved and appreciated. Right? So how do you show love and appreciation for each other? Can you give me some examples?
Seth Karnes
We’re big on gift giving just a little random oh, here’s a not necess I mean, do I do the flowers and stuff? Yeah. It’s a bit random, you know, she saw a t-shirt, here’s a Dolly Parton t-shirt with a cute little
Crystal Karnes
Dolly Parton or a
Seth & Crystal Karnes
Little Dolly Parton doll or
Seth Karnes
Little toy thing.
Seth Karnes
Or, you know, whatever she may be into. And, you know, just just keeping kind of a keen eye for those things and giving those spontaneous little gifts here and there. And we both equally do it for each other. It’s funny because we won’t think about it, talk about it. And one day a package will show up and she was like, here, I got you this because I was I figured you’d like it. I was thinking about you. And then I know tomorrow, she’s getting one of those gifts from me as well. So we do that I think a lot of it is is really, once again, naturally being kind of proactive with one another and not waiting for the other one to ask for anything. We just, we do those from simple daily things. Oh my gosh, your glass is empty. Do you want another drink, too? Oh, hey, I saw that, you know the bed was made. I wish I had made it. And not from a scorekeeping perspective. either. If ally did this today, you didn’t do this. And so we don’t do that. If I do that, it’s because I’m teasing her and it’s intentional. But yeah, it’s really just, you know, keeping your eyes and ears open all the time. And we complement one another. Always. I mean, daily, daily, I tell her, you know, every day how pretty she looks, and it’s not that okay, well, oh, shoot, it’s 2pm. I haven’t told her how pretty she is. It will literally just be I catch her walking out of the bathroom where I wanted to see her. And I’m like, You look really pretty today. And that kind of ties into bringing the best version of ourselves to each other, too. So we verbally voice it within?
Crystal Karnes
Yeah, well, and we like I’m I don’t know how many times a week I say, I’m so happy you’re my husband like, we just naturally just say it. And I know that for some couples, I think that would feel weird to say that, but it doesn’t feel weird.
Seth Karnes
And that was the thing. We didn’t learn that stuff. It was it did not exist in our last relationships. And it wasn’t even at the time, something we thought we were missing in those relationships. It was it really was just born out of the two of us being together.
Matthew Hoffman
Yeah, well, gratitude and appreciation when you’re expressing them, you can’t be fearful and angry. So it’s kind of so the more you’re doing that positive is just giving more oxygen and life blood to the to the relationship. And I think a lot of people miss that. If they think it’s weird that they I mean, I tell my my wife that she looks great, often eight because she does but she knows I mean it and a and I’m noticing is that a new, you know, is that something new? Or have you had that before? Or Wow, that you really look good in that color or whatever it might be? And it’s sincere. And so it gives oxygen and then it means that we’re focusing on what’s right and good, as opposed to what didn’t they do and what’s wrong, and how come they didn’t and so I think it really changes our focus a lot. And I’d love to know crystal, if you had to go back to your unmarried self, and put your hands on your unmarried self shoulder and say, here’s the one piece of advice that I’m going to give you. What do you think that would be?
Crystal Karnes
Gosh, I don’t know.
Matthew Hoffman
Well, we’ll let you think about that. I’m going to ask Seth the same question while you’re thinking. Seth, if you go to your unmarried self and say here’s the one thing you need to know, what would that be?
Seth Karnes
Never compromise your happiness. That would be my big one.
Crystal Karnes
That’s good.
Matthew Hoffman
And tell me about that. Meaning doing things good enough opposed to things that are the best or right or what do you mean by that?
Seth Karnes
I think that when I say it, what I mean is hitting a point in a dead end relationship or a dying relationship where you’re just, you’re not happy. Nobodies happy in those relationships. And it doesn’t happen overnight. You just kind of gradually get there but then, it feels like it’s overnight because you’re like, What happened? Why do I feel this way? And then when you hit that point, a lot of times we convince ourselves this is how it’s supposed to be. This is how a normal marriage is. That well,you know, this is what happens when you have a wife and you have kids and you work and you make a living and you’re plugging along. This is just it, you accept it. You don’t realize you don’t have to accept it. So that’s what I really mean by it is don’t, you don’t have to accept that and don’t compromise your happiness for anything. It doesn’t mean that there’s not going to be times where you’re not going to be able to be happy but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to sacrifice for your partner but we tell people quite often that being happy is sometimes reason enough to walk away from a bad situation.
Crystal Karnes
I think and like for the whole with him saying that, I was the one to leave my previous relationship. I was the one that decided that I wasn’t happy and I didn’t want to be in that bad awful situation anymore. And so like, I don’t know, I feel like I made all the right decisions in this marriage, in this relationship, but 100 percent made all the right decisions.
Seth Karnes
And my ex left me, I wasn’t the one. I was the one who was miserable. I was the one that wasn’t getting any affection. I was the one that was just tucked away in a corner, not getting anything out of the relationship at all and she’s still the one that left me. So I was, being on thats side of it was what I think one of reasons I probably try to preach that strong message to other guys is you know because there’s plenty of men that find themselves in that same situation and you don’t have to be stuck there.
Matthew Hoffman
Sure.
Kimberly Hoffman
Is there anything we haven’t asked you yet that we should have asked? Anything you would like to share with our listeners? You guys are in this as well as we are. Helping couples and relationships and is there anything that you all do that you believe our listeners should hear?
Seth Karnes
Yeah, I mean, I think from from our perspective, we’ve always been a little, I guess, unorthodox, and raw with it based on our own experiences. When we decided to get into this, it really just came about naturally from how often we talk. And one of the things that happened several years ago is we started, we started doing podcasting and 2018 was we just found ourselves talking all the time about other people’s relationships, people would come to us and talk to us and ask us, oh, hey, I’m getting married. You know, I know you’ve gone through this, but who are you and Crystal seem very happy and, and, you know, anybody that knows us knows that they get and we’re not putting on a show and that we’re affectionate to one another all the time, and that we do really walk, walk the walk and talk the talk. But you know, we just found ourselves communicating so much about other relationships. We were like, do we have something here? Why why are we not having the problems? They are? Why? Why are they getting divorced? Why are they separated? Why are they not having sex? Why do they hate each other? Why does she always talk trash about him at a party? What? And we were just seeing all of these things. And then we realized, well, that’s, that’s, you know, the quote, unquote, normal marriage. And we were like, well, ours isn’t like that. Does that mean we’re abnormal. But what then why is abnormal bad if what we have is so much better than what they have than normal is bad. We don’t want a normal marriage. And, and we just kind of came to that point of, you know, maybe there’s a message worth communicating out there. That says, you know, you can stay in a normal marriage until you die, you can be in a normal medicine, we use our own families as examples. My grandparents hated each other. I mean, they, you know, the worst thing about both of them passing was I told my mom that one of them only got like, 16 months of peace and quiet from the other one in heaven. So, I mean, but they did not get along, they butted heads, they slept in separate rooms, she had similar experience with with her grandparents, and we were ingrained that longevity meant success. And we are like, that can’t be the only measurement of a successful marriage. Because that’s not the marriage I want. I don’t want to be like that, when I’m 70. I don’t want to be like that. I maybe I don’t want to be like that now. And I am. How can we? How can we change that. And so I think that it was really just from observation and experience hitting a point. And that just kind of led to, you know, and really not pulling any punches and diving into some things that, you know, really drawing a line in the sand you, you shouldn’t have friends of the opposite sex, you shouldn’t you know, and so we were comfortable saying, This is how we feel about this, the proof that this works, because this is what we do. And right, wrong or indifferent. It works for us for utility, but it may not work for you. But we think if you really put forth the effort and do those things, still, at the end of the day, the guy is not me and the girl is not hurt.
Kimberly Hoffman
Well, normal doesn’t have to be unhappy longevity, right?
Matthew Hoffman
Or boring. We’re not settling, I think, you know,
Kimberly Hoffman
We’re not settling.
Matthew Hoffman
something we talked about is settling, right? And you do have to be paired, right. I mean, if you’re with the wrong person, you can do everything, quote unquote, right are textbook, and it’s not going to make the relationship one for the ages. It’s still not going to be right. So that decision and really having and I think the fact that you all had the conversations, I’d say this is what I had. And this is definitely not what I want. So you had that context. A lot of people don’t have that context, and they make the wrong decision. I mean, maybe before your first relationship, you know, I think my wife was in a relationship before me and I wasn’t but we had a lot of those conversations. What do you want? What don’t you want? And we talked about faith. We talked about spiritual and we talked about anything. I mean, I’ve heard a lot of what was wrong with her first marriage and why she was sensitive to coming into this one and I wasn’t the opposite of a lot of those qualities. So having those conversations early on you Hopefully before you’re married, you know, makes a huge difference on and continuing to have them because we change, you know, as careers and lives and bodies. You know, I mean, we’re not going to always have those, those six pack abs Seth and be Greek adonis’s. And you know, it’s just gonna happen. We can work hard and stay healthy. But, you know, life’s change, and we need to change with them and keep having those conversations. And it sounds like you guys did a great job of making sure you’re on the right footing when you came together.
Seth Karnes
Yeah, and I was kind of in a similar boat as Kim, where it was, I knew what I really didn’t want out of out of the next relationship. And I was I was really guarded with her I kept waiting for i in my last in my first marriage, I was married for 12 years, and I felt that I was duped. I felt that I fell in love with someone. And that’s not who I’m married. And that was revealed very, very early on. And then it was like, Okay, well, I guess this is what I have to deal with. But so because of that, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop with her like, well, when is she going to start bitching at me? When is she going to start complaining? When is she going to stop sleeping with me? When is she going to start picking nothing fights, but I kept waiting for these. All of these bad actions that I dealt with before to happen. And they never did. And I was at first I was kind of like, she’s she’s really good at keeping us up. And then I realized it wasn’t. That’s how she was, so.
Matthew Hoffman
Well, you guys have been fantastic with your time and sharing your experience. We’re so grateful. If people want to learn more about you, or find you Where should they be? Where should they look?
Seth Karnes
Yeah, thanks for having us.
Crystal Karnes
Thank you so much.
Seth Karnes
We enjoyed it.
Kimberly Hoffman
Take care.
Seth Karnes
Yeah, I mean, we’re Marriage on the Rocks. Play on words, because we have a nice alcoholic beverage every podcast, and we’re everywhere. We’re on social media. We’re on Instagram, Facebook, you can find us on all the platforms, iTunes, Spotify, iHeartRadio. Everywhere, we have a pretty decent following on Facebook, we make a lot of funny little videos that really have nothing to do with the podcast, but they’re fun to do. So at marriage on the rocks on everything @marriageontherocks, you’ll find us.
Matthew Hoffman
Terrific.
Kimberly Hoffman
Thank you for your authenticity and for showing up for us today. And for our listeners. We are grateful.
Matthew Hoffman
Fun to be with you guys, appreciate it.