My friend and coauthor, Chris Cambas, is a licensed marriage therapist. He helps couples communicate for a living. And for years, his mornings started with an ambush.

Chris would be in the shower, thinking about the day ahead, and his wife would walk in and rattle off what seemed to be five hundred questions. She wanted answers right then and there. Chris got irritated, and the day got off to a bad start.

Picture it: a trained marriage professional, getting quizzed in the shower like a game-show contestant with no buzzer.

The questions weren’t the problem. The problem was that there was no room left to hold them.

White Space: Leave Room in the Pot

Every cook knows you don’t fill a pot to the brim. The second it comes to a boil, it spills all over the stove. Marriages work the same way.

White space is time on your shared calendar with nothing on it. No errands, no events, no projects. It’s just room to catch your breath and sit, think, or do absolutely nothing together.

It sounds lazy, but it’s the opposite. Life doesn’t check your calendar before it shows up. A child needs you. A parent needs your help. Something at home breaks. If every minute is already spoken for, the unexpected has nowhere to land except on each other.

I know this one firsthand. Twenty years into our marriage, Kim and I were each fully engaged in churches, our children’s school, and our careers. It looked like success. But we both felt there was a lot missing.

How to Make Room Again

1. Look for the empty squares. Sit down with your partner and your calendars this week. Find any stretch of time with nothing scheduled. If you can’t find one, that’s your answer.

2. 86 one thing. In a restaurant, “86” means it’s off the menu. Pick one obligation or commitment you can let go of, and cross it off together.

3. Say no as a team. Before either of you takes on something new, talk it over first. A no you decide together protects your relationship better than a yes either of you says alone.

4. Schedule nothing, then protect it. Put a block of white space on the calendar and treat it like any other appointment. Nothing planned is the plan.

5. Take the train. Borrow Chris’s fix for the small stuff. His wife still walks in during his shower, but now she leaves a list on the counter and simply says, “Take the train.” He finishes getting ready and handles the list on his own time. Same questions, a whole lot less irritation.

Why You Should Give a Flip

Chris talks a lot about turning toward: making an effort every day to reach out to your partner and accept their bids for connection. Here’s the catch. It’s hard to turn toward your spouse when you’re already facing twelve other things.

When there’s no margin, patience is the first thing to go. Little requests start to feel like attacks. You end up running on fumes and expecting the relationship to absorb the deficit. That’s how couples slide from thriving to maintaining to declining without a single big blowup.

White space gives you room to be patient, room to handle the curveballs as a team, and room to simply enjoy each other. That’s where security grows. And remember, all we have is this moment.

Leave room in the pot, and your marriage won’t boil over.

Your Turn

Tonight, ask your partner: “What’s one thing we could 86 to give us some room to breathe?”

If your calendar is full and your marriage is running on fumes, schedule your complimentary
Core Energy Session, and let’s find your white space together.

And remember,

Happily ever after doesn't just happen – it's on purpose.