TRANSCRIPT
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
relationship, partner, communication, talked, kim, kristy, love, share, feeling, chuck, disclosures, likes, understand, childhood, marriage, families, conflict, respectful, emotional, speak
SPEAKERS
Matthew Hoffman, Kimberly Hoffman
Matthew Hoffman 00:00
Welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast. We are coming at you today with a recap episode of Chuck and Kristy Robinetts. It’s the Robinette’s nest. We had a fun time with this cool couple who were each on a second relationship, second marriage. And I think that kind of gave us a lot of great things to talk about and share from some of the things they’ve learned Kim in their relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 02:57
Definitely, I think that they know both realize that sadly, it didn’t work out for their first relationship. But they went into the second relationship with a different outlook, a different attitude and with intentionality. And that’s what made a world of difference in this relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 03:15
They did a lot of things right, getting ready for that second relationship, some things that we talked about a lot on the Kickass Couples Podcast and at Kickass Couples Nation, about things that are really helpful for you to do to strengthen a relationship. And it’s all based on communication and family of origin and asking those deep and probing questions. So you really have the right kind of understanding coming into the relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 03:39
Yeah and I think what makes them so kick ass is one of their responses was familiarity. And I believe what they really meant by saying that is that they really know, they have studied each other and they understand each other.
Matthew Hoffman 03:55
Yeah, I think that they understand the perspectives and the backgrounds. And I think that like we were talking about just a moment ago, Kim, they spoke about families of origin, they both came from a pretty tough place, not happy, not things they wanted to recreate. And then they think they both were the victims of being cheated on in their previous relationships. So as a few stings, and things that they had to talk through yet, they were able to safely respond with each other and their needs. And you know, we talk about that a lot. Kim, when you don’t, it’s not about learning how to speak for your partner because they don’t have an opinion or a thought and they can’t do something themselves. But if you have the degree of comfort and familiarity with your partner and you’re able to correctly respond for them, because you know what they want, you know what they need, because you’ve taken the time to invest in, to ask the questions and really understand the best way for you to be successful as a relationship. That’s a beautiful thing. And you and I don’t speak for each other a lot. But if I’m in In a restaurant and you’re running behind or a drink, or if there’s a question about would your wife like this, I don’t always do that, but I feel comfortable doing it. Because I think I know you well enough that I can, I’ve been able to work to meet your needs. And that’s, and that’s not just in a restaurant order, it might be in how your day is going. And if you need a timeout, if you’re overwhelmed, or you’re stressed, or something’s sideways with one of our kids, I’ll know that I need to intervene and take that over because you’ve hit your limit. And I’m not going to sit there and let you twist in the wind. But try to be helpful and supportive in that moment.
Kimberly Hoffman 05:37
Sure. And that’s a great response. You’ve studied me, you’ve taken the time to really understand me. And I think another important point is their unconditional acceptance of each other. They talked a lot about that in their interview. And, you know I believe that they both really have just learned about each other, and have agreed to accept each other right where they are,
Matthew Hoffman 06:09
Yeah.
Kimberly Hoffman 06:09
and to truly love and respect them. Right where they are.
Matthew Hoffman 06:13
I love the story of I think it was their first date, they’re in a diner. And Kristy was a little concerned because she’s a psychic and a medium. And you know, she said, Gosh, growing up in a family that was incredibly religious, she was looked down upon for what she was feeling and experiencing. And she felt a little cast out. And so when she told Chuck that she was a psychic and a medium, he shrugged his shoulders and said, Okay, pass the ketchup. I mean, he didn’t skip a beat. He’s like, I know who you are. I’m in love with this woman, and he accepted her. And it wasn’t an issue in their relationship going forward.
Kimberly Hoffman 06:51
Sure, sure, and you’ll you’ll have to listen to the interview, because she did give a couple of instances that she used that gift within their marriage, and within sort of predicting some things that were going to happen to and with him. And so I’m going to save that for you to go back and listen to the podcast. But it did show up in their marriage a little bit later.
Matthew Hoffman 07:17
It did in some interesting ways. And it’s funny, because we’ll come into that in a moment. But we’re talking kind of about their histories. We talked about this just a little bit. But I think it’s really important that we’ve talked about this a lot. And they did this well. And that’s why I’m bringing it up. This was one of my big takeaways is because they had issues from their families of origin. And from their childhood, they talked about them with each other, they went over them, they communicate and say, Hey, I’ve got a problem with this. You know, I need to talk to you about this. And so it allowed them to get freed up from that past and also move on with kind of outright, you know, communication and disclosure, when you don’t make those disclosures in a relationship, Kim, and they’re you know, the bones, the skeletons in the closet, so to speak.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:06
Absolutely.
Matthew Hoffman 08:06
And they come out, they can do some real damage, because your partner is going to kind of say, Well, why didn’t you tell me this before? Why didn’t we talk about this sooner.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:15
Yeah.
Matthew Hoffman 08:16
And I think because of they had the childhoods that they had in the relationship issues, they were able to have kind of full disclosure and take care of those childhood issues, to make sure that they each understood triggers and concerns. And so those things wouldn’t derail their relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:32
Yeah, we talked about the childhood issues. They also had, you know, both, like you had said, had been married before. So they had some challenges and some traumas surrounding that. And they said to each other going into this relationship, we do not want to repeat those unhealthy patterns.
Matthew Hoffman 08:51
Yeah.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:51
So they put them out on the table, and they worked through them talked about them. And I think what’s really most important is they shared what those triggers are, you know, they both had some inverse infidelity in their past relationships. So they had to really work through you know, what was acceptable and wasn’t isn’t acceptable, you know, that and that’s as far as texting other people. What, what that would look like, and also, they you know, talked about how you know, we’re gonna act going forward in this relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 09:31
I think Kim, you know, one of the things we learned from them as they were able to set boundaries with each other.
Kimberly Hoffman 09:39
Yes.
Matthew Hoffman 09:41
And they said, based on my history, based on my last relationship, this won’t work for me, Kristy used the example. She said, My dad was a screamer. And, you know, he’s she’s had her ex husband, whenever they had an argument with threaten divorce, like that’s like a nuclear bomb. Because every time you have a disagreement, or someone’s not agreeing with what you say, Hey, you don’t come along with me then we’re getting divorced. You know, that’s, that’s a horrible threat. And, you know, that just does massive destruction in a relationship, you know, takes away trust. And you know, you’re saying that’s conditional acceptance. Hey, I’ll like you, I’ll love you if or I’ll like you, I’ll love you when and I think they got those boundaries set up. So they knew what worked and what didn’t work. And they said, Hey, these are my triggers. And I want and don’t step on these landmines, because it won’t work for me.
Kimberly Hoffman 11:31
Yeah, I mean, one of them said that. I believe it was Kristy that, you know, in her past relationship, their divorce was always threatened. And so that is one thing that she said is, you know, that’s just a hard line, I’m drawing, we cannot use the D word ever, because I have trauma surrounding that. And so it’s those kinds of things that they really paid attention to, and talked about and worked on and work through before they actually got married.
Matthew Hoffman 12:02
At Kickass Couples Nation, I want to ask you a question around this conversation is, what disclosures have you not made with your partner yet? Is there anything from your past, or previous relationship? Doesn’t have to be a marriage, it could be somebody you dated, who did something that wow, the head relationship ending power, or something from your childhood, if there are any disclosures that you haven’t shared with your partner yet, I would encourage you to do it for a lot of reasons. One, it’s going to come out eventually, right? Or you’re going to harbor discontent or ill will, if they do something they’re not aware of, they’re not mind reader’s. But when you are emotionally available and share something that’s deep and meaningful to you, it creates a bond and we all love to be have tighter bonds with one another and tighter connections, and being vulnerable and sharing those things that have an impact to you. They’re not going to cast you in a bad light. But your partner will be grateful and receive them, and will allow you to go deeper in your own relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 13:02
And there’s nothing more powerful than that emotional, true emotional connection and bond. It really does fuel your relationship and when you can feel safe and trusted to be able to be vulnerable, that increases your intimacy tenfold.
Matthew Hoffman 13:21
And that leads kind of naturally Kim right into communication, right? Because when we’re communicating, it’s not just factual, right, who’s got the kids? What are we having for dinner? What are you going to wear out to this party? You know, those are all things. But that’s not real communication. Communication is sharing your motive, your feeling, your intention.
Kimberly Hoffman 13:40
And trusting that when you do that you are safe within that space.
Matthew Hoffman 13:45
Yeah, being respectful. I think one of the things that Kristy and Chuck did really well, is they made sure they had respectful communication. I think that was one of the things that Kristy kind of shared is that he is always respectful, not demeaning, not demoralizing, not tearing her down, over how she feels, pulling her out, and trying to understand those emotions, so he can best support her and understand where she’s coming from. And I thought that was another big takeaway, because, you know, it’s easy when when your spouse is story is not your own. And this is something I’ve had to catch myself in a lot with Kim, when she’s feeling a certain way about something or angry or frustrated. It’s not my reality, and I can’t get frustrated, because it’s not my reality. I can’t go, why do you feel that way? Oh, my gosh, here she goes, again, got to wade through this emotional feeling about something. It’s real to her. It’s charged to her, and I have to step back, let her feel it and also try to understand it and support her through it doesn’t mean I can’t hold her accountable if she’s hung up on something. And I do this a lot too. I say well, how can we change our thought about that? Is this the most healthy response? And she does that for me as well. But this is something I’ve had to learn and continue to learn to do is to not discount her because of her feelings or emotions on something, but really understand what’s underneath it and where she’s coming from.
Kimberly Hoffman 15:12
Yeah, and I have to do the same for you, I have to be able to listen to you, and try to understand what you’re saying. Like, when I say listen, I mean act of listen, and try to really understand how you’re feeling, and what you’re going through, and be able to support those emotions that you have, because they are very real to you, and you’re experiencing them, I’m not. So you almost have to put your try to put yourself in that person choose to try to understand and meet them where they are.
Matthew Hoffman 15:48
Yeah, and if you’re having if your partner and I’ve done this before, if you’re having deep, heartfelt emotional communication, it can be a little raw, and if your partner doesn’t receive that, or accept it, or validate you, or say, oh, my gosh, that must really stink. Tell me more about that. Right? Then you’re gonna withdraw and not want to share it. So you have to really make sure there’s a lot of honoring going on. And I think that Kristy spoke again about communication, Kim, she said, Chuck honors me with his communication. She got a little emotional when she started sharing when I was growing up, I never heard the words, I’m proud of you, or I’m proud of what you’ve done for who you are. And she said, Chuck, is such a wonderful communicator to her about recognizing her goodness and speaking it, right? We talk about that a lot. It’s like having a pocket full of cash and not spending it when you see the good. And you don’t communicate it to your partner, we all need that. We all want to know what we’re doing well, or what we did, right? Or if we did something that had an impact on our partner that they say, Wow, I really appreciated it when and share that. And so, and there’s even some goofiness and some crazy things like she said, when they were having BLTs for lunch one day, he made her BLT with her toast the way she likes it, a little darker, a little crispy, and his isn’t that way. But he knows her well enough and wants to give her what she needs and that’s another love language outside of communication, but doing the little things that she likes because he loves her and cares for so we’ve seen his words, we’ve seen his actions. And I think she kind of mimic that back to chuck as well.
Kimberly Hoffman 17:31
Sure. Let’s talk a little bit about conflict. And I love that the way these two avoid conflict is by really paying attention to each other to really understanding like we had said each other’s needs. So they’re student of each other. And in order to avoid really getting into it. They choose to really pay attention to each other to try to meet each other’s needs.
Matthew Hoffman 19:11
Yeah, I think we have to stay students of our partners. You know, I’m always trying to learn more about Kim, about where she is likes, dislikes. And those things change, right? And it’s the subtle she’s not going to tell me hey, I’m feeling this way, not that way today. That’s it’s rare that you know, she’s going to be so out word unless she is really struggling and needs me and I’m just not getting it right. But I think we have to remain students of our partners and study and learn. There’s always more to learn. Because we’re all in seasons. I mean, you and I two of our kids are graduated from college and kind of adulting yesterday as of yesterday, I know our middle boy, our little raspy voice boy is done with college and so it’s a different season for us and that’s we still have one at home and so on. needs and the things we think about or we focus on are different and changing. And if we’re not aware of those, with our partner, and constantly studying and paying attention to the tea leaves, we’re going to miss so much in the relationship
Kimberly Hoffman 20:14
And adapting, I think we have to be willing to, like you said, as things are changing within our relationship, we have to be willing to adapt to those changes.
Matthew Hoffman 20:26
Yeah. And I think
Kimberly Hoffman 20:27
It’s not always gonna be the same.
Matthew Hoffman 20:28
No, no, it’s not, hey, I know what she likes, and she’s gonna like it forever. That’s, that’s unusual that each partner stays the same. And so kind of being aware of the conditions of the season that you’re in. And if you don’t know, ask, conflict and destruction, relationships happen, when there are conversations that need to happen, and they don’t, because you’re unsure, you’re uncertain, you don’t want to quote unquote, rock the boat, in a loving and respectful way, if your motive is good, asking those questions to your partner and saying, Where are you on this? What do you need? How do you feel I’m doing and supporting you? Right? Whatever it is, if you’re uncertain, don’t guess, come out and say it and have the communication and the conversation so you avoid the conflicts that occur. When we make those assumptions and try to read minds, which none of us are very good at doing.
Kimberly Hoffman 21:24
I thought it was a great interview. I really appreciated what they had to share. I appreciated where they came from, and all of the incredible progress that they made in their current relationship. And they realize that that is ongoing. And it’s something that they are going to continue to work at and to work on. But you know, they’re constantly just trying to manifest good in their relationship with each other and within their families.
Matthew Hoffman 21:58
I think so. And I loved that this couple, you know, a couple strikes against them with how they were brought up and negative past relationships, you know, and the odds get tougher.
Kimberly Hoffman 22:08
Yeah, they turned it around
Matthew Hoffman 22:09
and they turned it around. And they did it by not allowing anything, no obstacles to get in the way. I mean, it was kind of a funny story when they were getting married. Because Chuck’s had a daughter that was a bit of a drama queen, and she didn’t want them getting married, she wanted her parents to get back together. And she had this Disneyesque dream of if they could like parent trapped, right, if I can just get them back together this, this marriage won’t happen. And you know,
Kimberly Hoffman 22:34
She tried.
Matthew Hoffman 22:35
She tried. Kristy, he talked about the daughter.
Kimberly Hoffman 22:40
The wedding day she tried to derail it.
Matthew Hoffman 22:41
Faked a sprained ankle at the hospital. And you know, it was a big scene, it was a big scene. But you know, they navigated and work their way through it, because they saw it for what it was, and didn’t allow the circumstance to take over. I think that was just, you know, they said that was kind of the biggest, one of the biggest conflicts they faced. But they were able to get through it in spite of that, because of their commitment because of their communication. And they weren’t going to let that wedge come between them. So what I mean a fun couple interesting spot of life. Second relationship, both have kids, but they’ve taken a lot of those challenges and made it work. And so if you haven’t listened to the whole episode, I would encourage you to go back and check it out just a lot, a lot of great things shared there.
Kimberly Hoffman 23:26
Absolutely.
Matthew Hoffman 23:28
And if you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t matter if it’s new and fresh. If it’s your second one, or you’re at you’re up to up to bat and you’re trying to figure out how to work through those kinks. If you need help in your number one relationship, go to Kickass Couples Nation, Matthewphoffman.com. You can sign up for a free relationship assessment call. I would love to talk to you and find out how we can get rid of those obstacles together help you set the stage so you can be living your best relationship right now. Thanks for listening today. If you’d like the content, give us a review, a thumbs up. There’s anything you want to hear that we’re not talking about. Let us know we do special episodes all the time, and try to give you guys those pearls and things you can apply and use in your relationship right now.
Kimberly Hoffman 24:17
Thanks for listening in everyone. And remember that happily ever after. It doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.