We’ve all been there – your partner does something that crosses a line and you feel the need to call them out on it. But is there a right way to go about that? Or are you more likely to do more harm than good by blowing up and letting your emotions take over? The truth is, there is a strategic approach to addressing issues in your marriage. One that can actually bring you closer together rather than drive you further apart. And it all starts with understanding the difference between radical candor and destructive criticism.
Punishment Has No Place in a Healthy Marriage
The first and most important rule is this: punishment has absolutely no place in a healthy marriage. Things like yelling, accusations, the silent treatment, or withholding intimacy may feel justified in the moment, but they will only serve to create more resistance, fear, and disconnection between you and your spouse. When you come from a place of blame and judgment, your partner is likely to get defensive. They’ll shut down, the walls will go up, and you’ll find yourselves further away from a resolution than when you started. Not exactly the outcome you’re looking for, right?
The Radical Candor Approach
So what’s the alternative? It’s what I call the “radical candor” approach. And it all starts with your mindset. Rather than seeing this as a battle to be won, shift your perspective to one of problem-solving and understanding.
Here’s how it works:
· Use “I” statements: Focus on how the situation made you feel, rather than accusing your partner of wrongdoing. For example, “I felt hurt when you didn’t call to let me know you’d be late” rather than “You’re so inconsiderate for not calling!”
· Seek to understand: Ask questions to gain insight into your partner’s perspective. What was going on for them? What led to the boundary being crossed? Was it intentional or did they simply stumble and make an unwanted mistake? Approaching it this way helps build empathy.
· Propose solutions: Once you’ve listened and gained understanding, work together to find a resolution. What do you both need going forward to prevent this from happening again?
· Avoid punishment behaviors: Remember, things like yelling, stonewalling, or icing them out will only breed more negativity. Keep the focus on moving forward in a positive way and gaining mutual understanding.
The Payoff: A Stronger, More Connected Marriage
When you’re able to address issues in your marriage through this lens of mutual understanding and respect, the payoff is huge. Rather than creating distance and distrust and more frustration, you’re actually strengthening the foundation of your relationship. Your partner feels heard and validated, which builds trust and intimacy. And you’re able to resolve conflicts in a healthy, productive way – setting you both up for better communication and a deeper connection moving forward.
Imagine the difference this could make in your marriage. No more resentment or bottled-up frustrations. Just two partners who are committed to working through challenges together. If you’re ready to start having those sometimes tough and raw conversations in a way that brings you closer, I’d love to help. Book a complimentary call with me HERE and let’s discuss how you can apply these principles to your marriage. Because your relationship deserves the very best of you.
Happily ever doesn’t just happen, it’s on purpose.
