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Ep 65: Overcoming Adversity & Loss “Why Staying Closely Bond…
Thu, 8/18 11:52PM • 25:32
relationship, building, kickass, foundation, loss, kim, life, changeless, couples, podcast, support, adversity, learn, challenge, marriage, faith, overcome, article, emotion, circumstance
Kimberly Hoffman, Matthew Hoffman
Matthew Hoffman 00:02
Welcome to the Kickass Couples Podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who want to level up their marriage, experience newfound clarity, hope and confidence. We’re Matthew and Kim, co-hosts and husband and wife.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:16
In 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty and wonderful world of marriage.
Matthew Hoffman 00:28
We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you grow and strengthen your relationship.
Kimberly Hoffman 00:43
We’ll get started right after this message. If you want to learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to order Matthew’s new book, “Kickass Husband: Winning at life, Marriage and Sex.” you can get it at “Amazon.com” or visit Matthews website, “www.matthewphoffman.com.”Again, that’s “Amazon.com or “www.matthewphoffman.com.” And now back to the show.
Matthew Hoffman 01:18
Welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast. Today’s episode is a special one. As we’ll be discussing overcoming adversity and loss in your number one relationship. When you think about loss or adversity, what things usually come to mind. Why is our ability to overcome adversity and loss so important for your relationship? Dealing with any type of loss or misfortune is always tough as our emotions try to take over and wreak havoc in our lives. But despite it all, learning how to play through hard times, is what builds our strength and resilience. Resiliency means being able to be flexible and approach each situation with positivity right alongside your partner. It’s never easy to deal with these obstacles, but doing hard or challenging things we may not want to face allows us to develop ourselves into stronger people with greater resolve, especially for our spouse. In this episode, we’ll talk about how to confront the loss of a loved one, dealing with life dreams that have crumbled right in front of our eyes, and how to tackle what feels like insurmountable losses and life changing disappointment. Tune in to learn about how to overcome adversity and loss alongside your partner. And what we should all be keeping in mind during these times of hardship to make sure we keep closely bonded and allied with our spouse.
Kimberly Hoffman 02:39
Hello, and welcome back to the Kickass Couples Podcast. Today we have a special episode for you. And we are going to focus on overcoming adversity and loss. I have a great quote that I want to start out with by Maya Angelou that says “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeat so that you can know who you are, what you can rise from and how you can still come out of it.”
Matthew Hoffman 03:13
Great quote, love Maya Angelou. We’ve used a lot of her material in some of our webinars. And you know, we’re having a special episode today, because we experienced some significant loss. And we’re going to get to that in a moment, but before we dive in Kim, I want to, you know, life is full of ups and downs. I mean, your relationship, if it’s like ours, it’s kind of like that roller coaster ride. I mean, sometimes you’re climbing, climbing, climbing, and it’s not too thrilling exciting. Sometimes you’re going 100 miles or down that steep incline. And sometimes it’s at the end and you’re coming, we think you’d get off the ride for a while. But, you know, relationships have all kinds of seasons and all kinds of cycles. I mean, what are some of the things that you’ve seen in our relationship that have changed over time?
Kimberly Hoffman 03:59
I agree. I feel like you know, it’s not, if we’re going to have a challenge, it’s when we’re going to have a challenge, because that’s just how relationships and life rolls. We never know what’s going to come our way. And sometimes things come at us very unexpectedly, and can cause a lot of turmoil, but I believe what is most important, and what I’ve found within my own relationship, is that we really need to have a foundation, a solid foundation in our relationship to be able to overcome and navigate whatever comes our way.
Matthew Hoffman 04:39
Yeah, and we’ve worked really hard to build that foundation, Kim in our relationship. I know a lot of our listeners have probably done the same and I think it’s, you know, it’s kind of we’ll get to it in a minute, but I want to tell a story. So, I used to teach Sunday school still do on occasion and some of the kids that I would have I’d be talking to, one of the things I would say To them, a lot of them sometimes were athletes. And I’d say, you know, maybe they’re a soccer player, right? And so I say, Hey, if you had a chance to go play in the Olympics for the United States and soccer, wouldn’t that be an amazing opportunity? They go, Oh, yeah, I’d love to do that. And they tell how, how excited they would be. And I said, Okay, well, what if you’re asked to do it, do it tomorrow, right? fear sets in, and they get scared and concerned, because there’s like, there’s no way I could play and be prepared tomorrow, right? Maybe they could do it, they probably wouldn’t do that, well, unless they’re at the top of their game. And then I go, Well, wait a minute, what if I told you a year from now, you’re gonna have a chance to go play for your country in the Olympics and play soccer. And I give you the best coaches, and the best trainers, and the best diet, and you have the best people to train with, right? I mean, if there’s a whole year plan with a whole team, and everything, you need to be at the possible top of your game, there’ll be a much different outcome. And so and I tell them that story, because you know it relative to your faith and moral code, and we’ll talk more about that in a minute. Life doesn’t just happen on a daily basis, is your ability to respond to all the things that come your way, is based on that foundation that you have. And so when we’re talking about building the foundation of your relationship, you’re doing that so that when challenges arise, and we all know they will, you’re equipped, and you’re ready to handle them.
Kimberly Hoffman 06:27
It’s about preparation. It’s about being proactive, rather than reactive in your relationships. So we are preparing and building this solid foundation so that when those things do arise, we are able to navigate them. And how what are some ways that that we can be proactive Matthew, in our relationship? How can we show up and work on things, rather than have to react in a sudden or just inappropriate way? Because we’re forced to.
Matthew Hoffman 07:05
And I think the challenge is, you know, we all have emotions, and we all are human in this human experience. And so our first tendency is to react based on circumstance, right, or emotion. Sometimes we’re fearful. Sometimes we’re putting up the walls, you know, it’s fight or flight, right? Am I going to take off or am I going to sit here and bear down and fight. And I think we have to be really careful that when it’s in our relationship, that we’re going back to the values, and the fact that we’re prioritizing this person that sitting next to me, because they’re my number one relationship, and we have 14 pillars, if you’re not familiar with them, you can go to “Matthewphoffman.com,” and download what we think the 14 critical areas and elements and values are of every successful kick ass relationship. And so I think, to be proactive, and instead of being reactive is to respond based on your values and principles, and not on emotion and the mature people, the mature relationships. I’m not saying we’re perfect, and we all respond out of emotion sometimes, but doing it based on our values, instead of on the emotion in the moment is huge.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:09
Sure. And I go back to that asking that question, are we working on the three C’s? Are we working on our commitment, our communication? Are we able to resolve conflict in a meaningful way? And you know, it goes a long way, when we’re communicating with each other, we’re building trust with each other. Right? Again, we’re laying that foundation, taking away those fears that our partner may have. And we’re working toward being proactive rather than reactive. You know, are you I have a question. Are you are you are you our listeners? Are you laying that foundation to have relationship success? Are you doing that now? Are you are you prioritizing relationship before you have to before you’re made to before you’re in that bind where you don’t have a choice.
Matthew Hoffman 09:04
Yeah, I mean, it’s kind of like training, right? I mean, whether it’s athletic physical training, whether it’s training for, you know, mathematics, if you’re a CPA and understand the laws and rules that go there, or there’s a great article in Forbes Magazine titled flying out the turbulence, flying, landing and overcoming adversity, and it’s a great article that came out about Captain Tammy Jo Schultz. She’s a Southwest Airlines co-pilot and former Navy aviator and she’s up in a Southwest flight. She’s flying that plane with her co pilot and an engine blows and you can imagine the pressure and stress that comes along with that you’ve got flight crew you’ve got passengers screaming and yelling. And you know, this is a life or death situation, but because she was a naval aviator and has been flying a long time, she immediately reverted back to her training and she you know, co pilot were able to handle the situation and successfully land A plane and everybody was okay. So that one was their story was one of the remarkable courage and composure, but what I loved about it, this is a quote that she said during that article, she said, I don’t have to be in control all the time to be able to get back into control, because she knew she was equipped, she had her training, she didn’t have to dominate, she just had to use what she knew, like she always does when she was called upon to do so. And that’s the same thing in our relationship. You know, Kim and I have had a lot of relatable experiences about that. I’ve talked about before in this podcast, about the passing of my mother and my wife’s role, my mom was ill, and I was called in to help, it didn’t seem serious, and she passed away really quickly. I tried to resuscitate her and wasn’t able to do it. And man, anybody that’s been in a life threatening position like that, and been called on, you don’t know what to do and how to do it, and you just do what you’re training. And when I was CPR, trained, and I gave her CPR mouth to mouth, it didn’t work. And so here I am in this void after that. And that’s where Kim and I really cemented and bonded our relationship, because she’s one of the few friends we were just dating casually at that time, but she came to be with me, pulled up alongside me and gave me what I needed and demonstrated her commitment to be even as someone who was just a friend at that time. And that’s an experience where I had to learn something about relationships.
Kimberly Hoffman 11:27
Yeah, I think that we’ve all had those really personal things that have happened to us where we have learned and grown from them, you know, similarly, I was involved in a relationship when I was very young, and was just married for a short time. And sadly, that did not work out. And it really rocked my world, it really sent me into a tailspin, but I came back immediately to my foundation, my spirituality, and I got some support, that I needed, some counseling. And I was able to learn and grow and look where I am now. I’m in this most incredible relationship with someone who I know, loves and appreciates me, and somebody that I know that I can grow with, and somebody that I’ve been able to build a solid rock foundation with. So that’s huge. You know, I didn’t have those tools back then, but I’ve learned and I have been able to implement what I’ve learned. And now I feel like I’m just really thriving in that area in that arena. So we all come out of our challenges. We all come out of adversities. And we can come out of them just feeling like victims and scorned or we can come out of them saying, wow, I’ve learned and I’ve grown and this adversity has changed me for the better.
Matthew Hoffman 13:04
Yeah, I mean, you all may be aware that about a month ago, we lost our podcast studio, we brought it up here we work out of Maine for the summer and Maynard, our Airstream trailers
Kimberly Hoffman 13:15
What it used to look like
Matthew Hoffman 13:16
You can see what it used to look behind us. Right? That’s a picture of it in in Maynard’s prime, right? And it burned to the ground in a fire electrical fire. It was a four alarm fire. We had 12 firemen here, it almost caught the building or part of our home on fire, but they were able to save that and you want to talk about devastation and loss and adversity. We were both in tears and in shock. Two of my children were here with us, everybody was okay. And that’s why we have insurance, but you know, it changed and challenged us an awful lot, but because we had built a rock solid foundation on some key principles, that it’s not just lip service, we were able to support each other and not have the dreams be dashed. And learn how to move through it and use it for fuel to get stronger as opposed to letting it take us out of the knees and ruin us.
Kimberly Hoffman 14:15
Matthew Hoffman 14:15
It’s you know, like the other stories that Kim and I each talked about, though, life is going to be full of those things. And if you’re well equipped, you can respond. So, here’s the question is what have we learned? What are takeaways that you can apply in your relationship right now? When it comes to creating a kick ass marriage? Do you ever wonder what you could be doing better? Have you ever thought how helpful would be to be a part of a like minded community of other imperfect couples who want to level up and their number one relationship? Come visit Kickass Couples Nation where you can talk with people just like you, who are looking for ways to invest in and increase their joy, commitment and fulfillment in their most important human relationship. You’ll have access to a team of licensed marriage therapist, coaches, articles, podcasts, live webinars and more, just visit “Matthewphoffman.com.” So you can learn more about a community that’s ready to help you level up. That’s “Matthewphoffman.com.” So you can become of the growing kick ass couples nation right now. Kim, why don’t you kick us off?
Kimberly Hoffman 15:22
Matthew Hoffman 15:22
We’d like to share
Kimberly Hoffman 15:23
I mean, we’ve we’ve said it over and over again, building a solid foundation in your relationship for us. It’s built, it’s built on, I believe, our spirituality that comes first. And our number one human relationship after God and that foundation is each other. So, really working on honing that and making sure that we have a solid uniform. Foundation is huge.
Matthew Hoffman 15:52
Yeah, making those daily deposits, right. It’s small strokes. It’s little things done right, that build up over time. And there’s a great piece of scripture that a lot of you may have heard from the Bible, if that’s your faith tradition, if not, you may have heard it anyways is what are you building your house on? What’s the foundation? Is it on rock, so that when storms meaning all those challenges that we just gave you examples of common rock your world, you stay strong, or are you doing it quick and expediently on sand. And when the storms and waves come, you get washed away. So, when Kim talks about that foundation, she says, build it on the rock and the rock is solid principle. For us that rock is our faith. And we’ll talk about that in a minute. And that’s kind of a natural lead in, you know, my big point is your faith and your moral code. That’s one of our pillars. And it’s huge, because your personal relationship, if you just think that it’s human, and it’s based on physical circumstance, when those physical circumstances change, that means your relationship can change. So, if you’re taking your faith in moral code and building it on something higher, something that is changeless. That means and our faith, we’re both of a Christian tradition. And even though our ecumenically, we might have some differences there, the foundation we share is solid, and so on a love of God and a desire to pursue the Christ ineverything we do, that foundation is changeless, that faith in moral code is solid in our relationships. So, when things the storm brew around us, right? We’re able to stay have something that is changeless, that’s there that we can turn to, that never goes away. So, we’ve created something that’s foundational, and that is not physical and tangible, but it’s more spiritual, soulful and eternal in that sense. And no matter what your faith and moral code is, in your life, it’s got to be solid. And it’s got to be invested in and worked on. We do it individually, in our own walk. And then we come and do it together by praying together by studying by doing courses on emotional, healthy, spiritual and physical relationships. And we dive into that study, because we want to make that pillar in our relationship as strong as it can be.
Kimberly Hoffman 18:09
Yeah, you get out of it, what you put into it, I think, is part of what you’re saying. And I believe that we really need to come alongside of each other, and support each other, and make sure that we each know that we have each other’s back. We are a team. And I think that a lot of people are not doing that. I believe that it’s so important for us to really show each other, the support and the encouragement as we go through life.
Matthew Hoffman 18:43
So as a mom Kim, I mean, I mean, dads do it too, but you’re a mother, obviously, you’ve had three kids. Give me an example of when that something has rocked their world and what you have done. How do you handle that situation? When you’re supporting somebody that is struggling?
Kimberly Hoffman 18:58
Well, I think the first thing we want to do is go in and try to fix it. And I think that I’ve learned over time that that really isn’t the answer. It’s really just getting down there in the depths with them. And maybe just sitting with them quietly, or stroking them and letting them know that you are there, you are supporting them, that you’ve got them. Rather than just trying to offer up suggestions, or just ways to fix it. It’s just that that to me is not the best solution. So as a mom, I just want to go in there and let them know that I’ve got their back and I’m loving on them. And I’m right there beside them. And I think it’s the same with our spouse that, when we you know when this traumatic event happened to us, with our podcast studio in our business, I mean we are started from nothing from ground zero. And I think it was just coming alongside of each other and letting each other know that I’m here for you, And I’ve got you, And sometimes it’s just sitting next to you holding hands or your hand. And just so that you know that I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here, I’m in it with you, we’re in it together.
Matthew Hoffman 20:12
And that was huge, because this podcast is the background, backbone, I should say, or anchor of our whole platform, everything, all of our information, all of our quotes, our material come out of this podcast. And so when all of its equipment in the symbol of our podcast was destroyed, it was tempting to get caught up in Oh, my gosh, what do we do now? Right, and
Kimberly Hoffman 20:35
we’re gonna have to shut down,
Matthew Hoffman 20:37
we’re gonna have to shut down
Kimberly Hoffman 20:37
continue doing this. And,
Matthew Hoffman 20:39
Kimberly Hoffman 20:40
you know, you you, you don’t realize how much of a tailspin it sends you in, but when I think you can come back to each other, and the grounding of your relationship, it tempers that and then you feel love and the support kick in. And that’s when you’re able to get out of the fog, right, and move on.
Matthew Hoffman 21:03
Yeah. And I think you know, the fourth thing I’d want to share, we want to give you guys some specific tangible takeaways would be focus first on what you can give, not what you can get. And I read an article and it was a gentleman in his hope the title of the article was, I am third, because his creator, his heavenly Father, Mother was first. Everybody else was second starting with his spouse. And then he thought about himself third. So even though this was my dream, and my vision and my mission and part of our business platform, I didn’t think what was me, I wanted to know, how was Kim hurting? What was she struggling with? How can I support her? And my first thought was not about self, my first thought was about what can I do to make sure that our relationship is solid and strong? And how can I love and support her? And in doing that, I received back, you know, that’s what I was sowing and so that’s what I reaped, because she was reflecting it right back to me. So not just in tragedy and loss, but when it’s when it’s so hard for you because of the circumstances saying otherwise, you can’t wallow in it, you got to think what am I grateful for? And how can I give and serve, because you can’t be fearful and angry and have despair, when you’re grateful. And when you’re faithful. And when you have that attitude. So that challenge is, you know, someone would say the devil is trying to get you, right, you’re trying to focus on something that would say that something else is in control, or life is random, or you can be impacted and ruined by human events, when that’s just not what I believe, based on my faith, and based on my walk and based on who I am. So by focusing on what you can give, you’re taking yourself out of that thought and that spiral and that negative space, and you’re focusing on what is good, and focusing how your goodness can be a help for somebody else. And by doing that, you’re making your field ripe and fertile, to be planted and for others to sow and pour into you.
Kimberly Hoffman 21:49
Sure, I hope we’ve been able to give you some really good information on overcoming adversity on, you know what to do when a traumatic experience happens, because as I said, it’s not if it’s when and if we’re prepared, and we’ve planned and we’ve built that foundation, then we’re going to succeed, we’re going to be able to overcome
Matthew Hoffman 23:29
Kimberly Hoffman 23:30
And move forward.
Matthew Hoffman 23:30
And this applies to when you lose someone you love, if it’s a loss of life and a family member or a friend, if it’s a business or career. Maybe it’s even a relationship. So if you’re not in that key relationship, it doesn’t mean you can’t use these principles, because the principles are solid. And you hear us say all the time in our podcasts about spillover thinking. And when your thought is right, and you’re focused on those values and principles and actively demonstrating them to your partner, your spouse if you have one. Or if you don’t to those you love, and that you care for, you’re going to be a beacon, because that attitude is attractive, and people are going to see your strength and your foundation and your commitment in the midst of what seems impossible circumstance. And they’re going to be drawn to you and you’re going to attract people that want to love you and be part of that good that you have. So thanks for listening in and tuning in to the Kickass Couples Podcast, a special episode on adversity and overcoming loss. We hope we’ve given you a few things to think about that you might be able to apply in your own relationship right now. So until next time, we hope you remember that happily ever after does not just happen. It’s on purpose. We’ll see you out there.
Kimberly Hoffman 24:47
That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the Kickass Couples Podcast. If you liked the content of the show, the love Matthews newly released book, “Kickass Husband: Winning at life, Marriage and Sex.” To receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book, all you have to do is rate this show and leave a review on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune in to. Then email us a screenshot of your review at “email@example.com.” And we’ll get it over to you right away. Until next time, remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen it’s on purpose.