TRANSCRIPT
Matthew: (00:01)
Welcome to the kick couples podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who want to level up their marriage experience, newfound, clarity, hope, and confidence. We’re Matthew and Kim co-host and husband and wife
Kim: (00:16)
In 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty, and wonderful world of
Matthew: (00:28)
Marriage. We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you grow, strengthen your relationship.
Kim: (00:43)
We’ll get started right after this message. If you wanna learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to pre-order Matthew’s new book, kick husband, winning at life, marriage, and sex. You can get it@matthewehoffman.com. Again, that’s Matthew hoffman.com. And now back to the show,
Matthew: (01:08)
Welcome back. If you’ve been listening to the kick couple’s podcast, and if this is your first time, we’re glad that you are here with us today. We get to do a recap on Vinnie and Trish beyond the lady, which is episode 11, incredible episode of someone that was married for quite a long time, started an early age and overcame a lot of history and a lot of challenges in that relationship. So we’re excited to share that with you today. If you haven’t watched the full episode, please go back and check it out. It’s one you don’t wanna miss. Uh, it was kind of a special relationship because these are some of my wife’s best friends, sorority member of hers from Largo, where she grew up. I’ve known them 27, 28 years. And she’s known how long have you known Trish and Vinny? You grew up
Kim: (01:53)
With them? Uh, Trish and I started, um, let’s see, I wanna say it was fifth grade when, um, fourth or fifth grade when I’m met tr and we were actually really good friends at that time. Um, and then we went to separate schools after that for a little while, but then came back together. I think it was middle school and, um, it’s just been, it’s been a wonderful friendship and one that I’m just so blessed and so grateful to have. So yeah, this was a great interview for us. Um, high school sweethearts, they have been married 37 years. Wow. And, um, they just have a real love, genuine love and appreciation for one another. Um, they support each other. They believe that they’re stronger together. Um, and they just, just find a lot of joy and a lot of, um, a lot of I’m gonna start over. They just find a lot of joy in each other and they bring a lot of, um, fun and laughter and, um, just a great time with, uh, kids and grandkids.
Matthew: (03:08)
I, I agree. And what’s so cool is Kim knew them before they, they say they started dating really when they were 14. So Kim had a friendship at least a couple years before the love affair started, but there’s some unique circumstances that we want everybody to be aware of. And if you haven’t listened to the first interview, or if you have, maybe you forgot, they started, they got married when they were 18, he was 18. She was 17. And with within the first year of that marriage, they had their first child, they became pregnant. They did. So I, I mean, I have kids that are 23, 21 and I can, and I imagine my 21 year old having a three year old right now, it just blows my mind. So when you think about the maturity in life circumstances, there were a lot of things stacked against these guys that were gonna make it difficult or maybe even insurmountable.
Matthew: (03:53)
So it’s incredible that they were able to start off with that commitment and that foundation, and they each had some, you know, we, we, one of the things we do in our podcast, we always go back and talk about what their family of origin looked like. And what did love looked like growing up? And Trish had a tough, a tough childhood. She lost her dad when she was eight and then, uh, gained a stepfather. And that stepfather was not like kind man to her Trish talks about how she really felt battered down physically, emotionally abused, uh, in that relationship. And it was tough, but the light or the sunshine out of that whole experience was Vinny’s recognition at an early age of the circumstance she was in and what she needed. And he really stepped to the plate early inside of a hostile environment. And, uh, he came in and was able to show his love and his commitment for that. And hats off to, I don’t think when I was 18, I had the wherewithal to do something like that. I think that he showed a lot of maturity, a lot of and power. And, um, I think a lot of that came from his history too. Right, Kim. I mean, they, it did.
Kim: (05:06)
I feel like then he had the complete opposite of what Trish had. Um, and you know, she and her brothers did have a really difficult time at home. Um, she being the only girl, I believe really took the brunt of being to help raise and take care of, of her family as well. Um, Vinnie being the complete opposite of that, where he had parents who were married for 52 years, um, they had family day, which was usually on a Sunday and everybody came together and had dinner and just really enjoy family time. And I think his parents really modeled love, joy, happiness, what a real successful marriage looked like to Trish. And I think she saw that and said, wow, it’s possible. And I want that for myself. Yeah.
Matthew: (06:04)
And I think one of the, one of my favorite things about Trish is that a lot of people, you have choices when tough things happen to everybody in life. And some can certainly be more severe and more difficult to overcome. But one of the things that I saw Trish do, and some other of our, uh, hosts from other shows, uh, guests that we’ve had done the same thing is she said, I wouldn’t have traded my experience for the world, cuz it made me the person I am today. And it prepared me to be a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister and a better mother to everybody in her family. So she didn’t make excuses and say, Hey, I’m a Vic victim. This stuff happened to me. It’s not my fault. She said, in spite of those circumstances, I chose to rise up and to use the bad stuff for good. And she did and, and a beautiful example of that. And I love to hear those triumphant, those triumphs. And she certainly was triumphant in taking those, those difficulties and turning ’em to good.
Kim: (07:00)
Yeah. She, she took that negative experience and said, I am gonna turn this around and I am gonna be involved in a relationship where there’s strong commitment. There’s a lot of love and a lot of protection, um, against my children or four, my children. Um, and, and we’re really going to use this again to, um, do the opposite of, of what happened to me and, and what was happening. My childhood, when I was growing up, we’re gonna really turn this around and make this such a great positive family experience. And, and they did and
Matthew: (07:38)
Unquestionably, they did when it comes to creating a kick marriage. Do you ever wonder how you’re doing? We found that there are 13 key components that make up a thriving relationship, which is why we’ve created the kickass assessment in this powerful free tool. You’ll learn what they are and how you and your spouse are ranking in one. And you’ll get recommendations that will help you start improving today to get your results simply visit Matthew E hoffman.com. Again, that’s Matthew E hoffman.com. It’s time to start kicking. Let’s go. And it’s cool because Kim, I, I mean for you and I, I think every couple, most, every couple can say, Hey, there’s stuff that we experience that we want to use. And there’s stuff that we experience that there’s no way in heck we want to use, right? You, you kind of, you bring some stuff and you leave some stuff and say, definitely not doing that.
Matthew: (08:36)
I think they had a great example from Vinny’s family of, of what they wanted do and how they wanted to do it. But Trish said, Hey, I didn’t wanna recreate what happened to me. And I wanted to make sure my kids saw differently. And, uh, so, and a beautiful example, and that kind of led into how they communicate with each other. And, uh, one of the things I think Trish said this, and I think Vinny echoed it as well in talking about communication. She said, if you’re secure in your relationship, then you can talk about anything, right? If the commitment is strong, we’ve talked about that safety net, right. You know, commitment is like the, uh, is like the safety net under a trapes artist. If you know, there’s a net there, then you’re not afraid of trying stuff and maybe falling because it’s not gonna kill you and take you out.
Matthew: (09:22)
So she said, all things can be brought up in a strong relationship together because she wants to make sure that if they’re suppressing not talking about things, that that’s a problem and you don’t want to bury it in, try to make it go away, but she wanted to make sure we’re gonna bring stuff up. We’re gonna talk about it because we’re secure with each other. So we should be able to have a loving conversation, right? It doesn’t mean that that is a disrespectful or there’s a profanity. And we’ll talk more about that later, but she said, you gotta bring stuff up. And you know, first it’s their relat ship. The two of them when they communicate and they want to then make sure that they’re modeling with their kids and setting, uh, setting them up for success and having those family times, family dinners, like they grew up, they did with their kids Sunday. She goes, we first love to be with each other. Then we love to be with our family. And then everybody else comes after that.
Kim: (10:15)
And I love that. I love that philosophy. I think that’s one you and I have adopted as well. That, um, while we love and adore our children, they are not the center of our family. We come first, our relationship, um, the foundation of our relationship comes first and they are welcomed addition to that. And we are better for that. We have a better marriage for that. Um, and I believe that they are just emotionally. And, um, they’re just stronger for that.
Matthew: (10:50)
No question about it, because if the kids are the center of the relationship, as the kids come and go and change, what happens to relationship. And I think if you guys are out there, yes, our, we love our children and they’re important to us, but there is no doubt unequivocally that Kim’s and my relationship is the most important relationship in our family. Cuz if we’re solid and we’re happy and we’re strong that can’t help, but cascade to our children, our in-laws our outlaw as everybody else. That’s part of that family experience. And I think beyond the letters, uh, Vinny and Trish do that beautifully, we try to model that it’s not always easy there’s challenges. Right? Kim. I mean sometimes what get in the way sometime of, of those things. I remember Vinny and Trish talked about that and
Kim: (11:33)
Had to deal with that. Yeah. I think that, you know, um, in their case they were really young, may married couple and Vinny was trying to establish a fishing charter business and uh, lobstering. And he had a really demanding job and, and an effort to do that. It meant that he had to spend most early mornings daytime and in a lot of cases, evenings away from the family. And so their time together was just snippets of time, uh, maybe throughout the day in between charters. Um, and, and I feel like they really said to each other, okay, uh, the kids need to be able to see their dad. We need to be able to have some opportunities for them to remember what he looks like. And I know she was just joking, but when they are young and you’re away all day in a lot of the evening, it’s really important that you have that connectivity with your children.
Kim: (12:37)
And one of the things that they did is they said, in order for us to communicate, we actually spend time together in the carpool line. Vinny would come home from work and run in, get in the carpool line with her and sit. And that is time where they could talk to each other and communicate with each other. Then they, of course the kids would get in the car and he would be able to spend time with them, uh, during the drive home and maybe at home for a little while before he would go back out again. Another thing that they did is she would bring them to the docs and while he would be coming in with one charter and before going out on another, the kids would have a little bit time to see ’em then maybe before, um, they had their afternoon activities after school, they would get a little bit of that time in with dad. So they really carved out opportunities and time to spend with each other and time to spend with the kids.
Matthew: (13:30)
And they modeled that what’s so cool. And they talked about we’ll get to this in, in a, another topic later, but their choices for their family and their relationships were visible and obvious to his clients, to their business and to their friends. And that was a good thing because it spoke to what kind of people they are by the steps they were taking for the strength in their relationship. And, um, and one of the things I think that led so strong in their communication showed their commitment is Vinny was incredibly sensitive to Trisha’s needs. And her reality, right? You gotta be aware of your spouse’s reality. And he knew that she grew up in a volatile, hostile, uh, not so positive environment with a lot of yelling and dreaming and maybe some words that weren’t quite loving and kind. So he knows that she can’t handle that and that he doesn’t want her to have to experience it.
Matthew: (14:27)
He’s sensitive to her trigger from her childhood and her growing up. And so he’s aware of her reality and she’s aware of his in work and they lovingly navigate that to give the other person what they need and respond in a way that’s gonna support and encourage. And, you know, ATRI said that you gotta allow your spouse to have their emotional time. We’re all gonna have great days and blue days and maybe be fuming or upset or just need to vent whatever it is you need to allow your spouse that time and understand that it’s not something you have or have not done, but it’s your task to figure out how can you be most supportive? You need to away, you need to pull up alongside them, put your arm around them, right. And learn that dance. And, uh, I think that’s something that they’ve done beautifully that has really, uh, allowed for the strengthening of their relationship over 37 years.
Kim: (15:24)
I agree. And Trish said that, you know, it’s important to you understand that there’s two point points of views, right? I, she believes that in general, women have a different set of emotional needs than men do. And that she was surrounded by her whole life growing up a lot of brothers. And then now she has a husband and she herself had three boy. So she has a lot of males around her and she knows and feels that she has different emotional needs as a woman. And that is important that you’re right. There are two realities. There, there are two viewpoints going on there. And, um, you know, she, she needed to have a little bit of a different approach. She needed to, um, say, be able to say maybe before bedtime, she said, when they have quiet time, you know, you hurt my feelings and this is what happened today. And this is why I I’m feeling this way. And know they really use that time to have that really good open communication with each other and allowing her to express herself and her needs.
Matthew: (16:42)
Right. And she talked a little further about her needs when she’s looking at our pillars and said her favorite pillar of the one that she feels is most important is intimacy, uh, touching, being close. She said, we don’t go to bed any night where my foot’s not on him. His foot’s not on, there’s an arm. There’s always some kind of physical contact because it gives her security and she feels close to him when they’re able to do that. And guys we’ve talked about this, but before intimacy can mean means sex or sexual relations. Right. But it’s one of many things. And, and, uh, that may be a natural outpouring of what happens. But to Trish, her intimacy was physical closeness, comfort and security that came from being close. It was the REA reassurance that she got from Vinny.
Kim: (17:27)
Yeah. Sounds like a love language to me. Yeah. Mo
Matthew: (17:30)
Mosted, Shirley.
Kim: (17:32)
And then when we asked Vinny the same question, he said, uh, his pillar would be selflessness. And one of the things that he used was Trish as his example, he said that she puts everyone else first, uh, family, friends, her community, and that she is a real servant leader. And that, that has motivated him. And that he has learned a lot from watching her serve others. And that, that has really stood out to him as an important pillar in his life. Uh,
Matthew: (18:11)
You, you, you, you have it dead on. And I think that what’s important. And what I love to learned from Vinny when he, he talked about guys, you know, a lot of men, I think, um, erroneously feel that, Hey, I work. I’m the breadwinner. Therefore that’s my contribution to the family. And it is a contribution. And it’s an important one, but don’t forget your spouse works as well. Whether they work in the home or outside the home, they have trials, tribulations, challenges, stresses just like you and Vinny recognized. He said, you know what? I’ve had a hard day physically. He works in the sun with his hands and he’s come, comes home, but he knows he’s gotta contribute. And he comes home. And whether it’s cooking dinner, uh, doing something for Trish or supporting each other, he knows that his job doesn’t stop when his work day for his career is over.
Matthew: (19:04)
But there’s a lot of ways he can contribute and he steps up and he owns it. So guys, if you’re thinking he, Hey, I’m the breadwinner. Or maybe I spend the most time in a job outside the home. That’s important and that’s a contribution, but that doesn’t fulfill all the buckets of the relationship and the support that your spouse may need to feel. And that can be a dangerous thing that men can. I I’ve maybe slid into that in the past. You you’re, you’re fried, you come home and I’m done really, you’re done with the work that happened outside the home. But if you have, uh, children, your spouse and all those other needs are there and they need your care and feeding and love and attention. And he recognizes that. And I think what’s great is because his nutritious relationship is so strong. It spills over to his customers. You know, know when his kid wife would come with the kids to the dock to see him between charters, his clients would go, oh my gosh, what a sweet family, you guys are getting time together. And you’re important. It’s a priority. So even though that he’s working hard and there for his clients, his clients are benefiting from the strength and the love that’s in his relationship with his spouse. I
Kim: (20:10)
Love that. I say, I know he said, you know, the, that, or I believe it was Trish said that, you know, the customers they’re interested in his family, they wanna know what he’s doing, what the boys were up to, how’s Trish doing. And that’s, that’s a really big Testament to them. I think that speaks to them and the success of their marriage. I also believe that, um, when we’re talking about spillover that for Trish, so much of her spills over into her relationship with her friends, with her family, uh, she works at the local high school and that spills over into her students and into the faculty. I have seen that firsthand and I have experienced that blessing of her friendship and the attentiveness that she gives to all of the people that are important in, in her life. I have also seen what she has done in the keys in terms of committing to her community and really helping kids and families who are in need. She just has the biggest heart and she truly is selfless. And I’ve just seen that in so many different over the years. So her spillover is definitely, um, pouring out onto others and, um, making a huge impact in their lives as well.
Matthew: (21:38)
Yeah. That relationship gives her the fuel to be more effective and loving in her other personal relationship. So it is the center, it’s the core and we see it time and time again. And, you know, Vinny’s kind of parting advice I think to us was you have to have love and it has to be real love and you gotta be secure in it. You have to feel it and you have to demonstrate it. It’s an active verb. And they had so many great examples, uh, in, in our time with them about how they do that with one another, there
Kim: (22:07)
Are really stuff. Couple, they again, been married 37 years, married at a super young age, had a child right away. And, um, just, just dealing with all of those things as someone that is in, uh, or just coming out of high school, I think that alone has just, uh, show their commitment and all the other pillars that we talk about just the way that they have been able to live up to those and express those in their relationship. If you have enjoyed this recap of Trisha Veni, I hope that you’ll go back and listen to episode 11 in its entire. It’s one that you don’t wanna miss. If you wanna go back and listen to this, go to kick couples podcast, where you can listen on iTunes, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you turn tune to listen to your podcasts. Again, that’s kick couples podcast.
Matthew: (23:08)
Thanks for your joining us today. And remember that happily ever after does not just happen. We’ll see you back here soon.
Kim: (23:18)
That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the kick couples podcast. If you like the content of this show, you’ll love Matthew’s upcoming book, kick husband, winning at life marriage insects to receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate this show and leave a review in apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune in to listen. Then email us a screenshot of your review at podcast kick as couples, podcast.com. And we’ll get it over to you right away
Matthew: (23:53)
Until next time. Remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.