TRANSCRIPT
Matthew: (00:02)
Welcome to the kick-ass couples podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples who want to level up their marriage experience, newfound, clarity, hope, and confidence. We’re Matthew and Kim cohos and husband and wife
Kim: (00:16)
In 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty, and wonderful world of marriage.
Matthew: (00:28)
We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to help you grow and strengthen your,
Kim: (00:43)
And now let’s dive in to today’s episode.
Matthew: (00:47)
Did she talk about in the magnifying your differences, but the fact that you all take joy in the differences you have is an indicator really of a healthy relationship.
Chelsea: (00:57)
We have so much fun together and we compliment each other. And then we also push each other, which I think, um, you know, as
Nick: (01:04)
Both of us separately, you know, we were great on our own, you know, we were bolt successful. We had great friends, we had free lives, but together we’re way better. Anything that we do that we’re going to do together, we should pull,
Chelsea: (01:20)
You know, we went from long distance communicating to men being, you know, face-to-face almost everyday
Kim: (01:25)
We’ll get started right after this message. If you want to learn how to experience the best, most fulfilling year of your marriage, invite you to pre-order Matthew’s new book, kick husband, winning at life, marriage, and sex. You can get it@matthewehoffman.com again, that’s AQI offman.com. And now back to the show,
Matthew: (01:51)
I know that you’re both, uh, I know Chelsea you’re a social media Maven and Nick is horrible in public. He’s not used to taking tough questions about his candidate or let alone his mom. The question we always start off with today and in all of our interviews is we want to hear from each of you and, um, Chelsea, we’ll start with you as what make you and Nick a kick couple.
Chelsea: (02:18)
Well, so Nick and I have been friends for about, I keep saying eight years, but I think we’re going on almost nine, maybe 10 years, like we’ve known each other for a while. And we started, uh, you know, we developed kind of a great friendship and we’re kind of just always in each other’s lives. And we’re very fortunate, you know, during this time to kind of have a situation that really brought us back together. And, you know, I think starting with that friendship and really knowing everything about each other, from all the good to all the bad and kind of developing a relationship in that, um, you know, I I’d been in a bunch of, or, you know, a number of serious relationships. And from that I learned what I wanted in a relationship and how I wouldn’t. And one of my favorite parts about Nick is that he knows everything about me from all the good to all the bad, and he completely loves that.
Chelsea: (03:08)
And I think he almost loves my flaws and almost, you know, making me laugh about them. And he’s kind of just this perfect compliment to what I do. He also supports everything that I do and also helps me with a lot of my goals. And so I think together, we just kind of become this, this couple, and I feel confident in saying that and not, you know, bragging or, you know, I’m very humble in that, but I, we have so much fun together and we compliment each other and then we also push each other, which I think, um, you know, is really important and I’ve, I’ve loved growing with him and I’ve just loved developing this relationship. And even though it is a little newer, I think, as a relationship, um, you know, we feel really in the depths of it. So we’re very
Nick: (03:50)
Happy.
Matthew: (03:51)
That’s great. Well, I love, love hearing kind of the dimensions of, of, of how you define that. That’s wonderful. Thank you.
Kim: (03:57)
So I’m going to, I’m going to ask Nick the same exact question. I want to hear his side of what he thinks makes your relationship kick.
Nick: (04:08)
So one of the things that I feel like people are always saying is your partner is your best friend, but I think a lot of couples up into that, um, whereas we started the opposite. We already were really great friends and, you know, there was always some connection there, but, you know, life just had not brought us to that point yet. I mean, I was in DC working. She was traveling around the world, playing golf know. So, and then, and you know, I mean, obviously the pandemic was not a great, you know, year for humanity, so to speak. Um, but we always joke and say, you know, 2020 was an incredible year for us. And it was, I mean, we both came home, um, you know, it, it brought us together and that was really a highlight of the year. And it’s one of the best years, frankly, that I’ve ever had in that sounds, you know, kind of tough to say with everything that’s going on, but, you know, I can be a little selfish and saying that, you know, it was something that was really a highlight for us.
Nick: (05:15)
And, uh, you know, things just happen in such a way that everything always works out as it should, you know, there’s a plan and that just brought us together. Um, and one of the things that I think makes us so kick-ass is because our, our personalities, the things that we’d like to do, um, they’re similar and where they’re different, they’re complimentary to each other. And that’s something that, uh, I think, you know, this is really a strength for us. You know, we have so much fun together, our friends joke around and say, we’re the most fun couple that they know. Um, and, and we could have fun doing anything. And our life goals are the same, the things that we like and the things that we want to do that are new, uh, you know, sample of
Chelsea: (06:09)
Fun. I want to hear something, just give me
Nick: (06:11)
One. Well, I mean, we recently decided to go to Mexico for three weeks, so we just got back, um, and you know, and typical, you know, fashion, uh, Chelsea, Nick, or, you know, playing golf, uh, in these beautiful courses. And, you know, we’re eating at these great restaurants, but we’re also just relaxing and doing nothing, you know, on a Saturday and just sitting at the beach and we can be doing that anywhere. Uh, and it would be fun. Um, and, and we really have fun everywhere. You know, we could go to Mexico and have an amazing time and we could just drive, you know, 10 minutes and go walk across the Sarasota bridge, which we like to do every morning, you know, when, when we’re able, and that’s a great time for us, you know, we had this little breakfast spot that we’d go eat at, and that’s an incredible morning. I mean, we have a great time. It’s fun just cause we’re together. So It’s a great start to the day the blood’s flowing, you know, we’re talking, um,
Matthew: (07:13)
I love to hear that one. I want to go back a little bit because one of the things that you brought up, I think both of you brought it up in, in talking about why you think you’re kick, as you talked about magnifying, your differences, and a lot of people, when they think about differences, they think that’s an, either a negative, or we’re not going to talk about the things that make us different because, you know, we’re w that that’s not the commonality, but the fact that you all take joy in the differences you have is an indicator really of a healthy relationship. And so I just, you know, that’s, I didn’t want that to go by without you guys knowing I, I think, you know, because you, you, you both highlighted it by love to hear that, that you can magnify the differences, because that means you’re each looking for the good in each other and saying, wow, isn’t that neat that she looks at it this way, or he feels that way. I may not be what I see or feel or think, but, but that’s a, that’s a really an indicator of a great relationship. So I just wanted to bring that out.
Chelsea: (08:07)
And I think we, we are so similar in so many ways, but then our differences are so great. And I think it’s really funny because we compliment those. I mean, we always joke when people ask me, what’s my favorite thing about Nick, or, you know, it’s, I jokingly, I call him my human Xanax and because I am very stressed, like I have very high stress. I’m constantly on the go and Nick, I don’t think there’s anything that could stress him out. He’s just the most calm, collected person. And he’s fully accepted me for that and accepted taking on that challenge to help me see his ways or to help me feel better, like, you know, stable in those situations. And I’m so overly appreciative for that. And I think, you know, it, we just learn, learn so quick having been friends and knowing that about each other, that in the relationship, we were able to kind of take those, those things that maybe I don’t like about myself, or he doesn’t like about himself and kind of combine our strengths and make them strengths together.
Kim: (08:59)
Oh, I, I totally get that because I feel like I have the same in math. He’s just this constant, right? Like this the whole time. And I want to, um, talk to you both just a little bit about, um, sort of backing up and talking more about our family of origin. Cause I really believe that we all, um, have this history and we come from, um, different backgrounds and different, again, families of origin. And I think we bring that to our relationship, um, and whatever that might look like for some people, um, sometimes it’s blissful and great, and sometimes it’s been a challenge or, um, a very difficult childhood. Maybe there’s been trauma, um, all different things kind of come into play when you meet someone and then you start in your relationship with that person. You bring some of that with you. So, um, I like to always back up and just sort of ask you, um, Chelsea, what did love look like in your family of origin? What did we talk a lot about, um, the three CS and because you’ve done the assessment probably understand that, but our focus on this podcast, a lot of it is on commitment, communication and conflict resolution. So I’ll start with commitment. What did, what was modeled for you when you were younger? Um, and then maybe when you’re growing up in your more in your teams, um, from your family.
Chelsea: (10:40)
Yeah. I mean, I come from one family of complete love. I mean, I’m very, very blessed in that situation. Um, I do come from a family where my parents were divorced. Um, but at that young age, um, I had a stepdad come into my life and the coolest part about that was that my stepdad and my dad developed a great relationship for me. So they had great communication. And through that, it was just commitment of them, making sure that I was, I felt the love and that I never felt a split. And in dynamic or family, my mom was, you know, for a while was a single mom, but I felt like I had the support of every single person around me. And I think just always kind of having both, I call it, you know, my girl, dad, I’ve got, you know, in both my stepdad and in my real dad, um, I was always supported.
Chelsea: (11:27)
I always felt, you know, a commitment to whatever my goals were. And I definitely feel that with Nick. I feel, you know, even sometimes when I don’t think I can achieve my goals, he’s in my ear constantly pushing me further. And that did start with my background from both my mom and my dad. Um, I’m overly, I feel very blessed to have the background that I did, especially coming from, um, you know, a divorced family where sometimes those situations, you know, don’t go as smoothly as my did. They constantly put their differences aside for me, which I, you know, it’s hard to say how thankful and grateful I am for that. And I think, you know, that really helped me be okay with, you know, not settling in a relationship and understanding what I wanted. And I think people sometimes look at, you know, the divorce situation, it’s, it is something that you have to learn from and you have to grow from and watching both my parents grow and, and also, you know, my parents really growing in their Christian faith after, you know, they kind of split, you know, my mom didn’t know Christ at a younger age.
Chelsea: (12:25)
And so kind of growing into this, in her new relationship with my stepdad when they moved to the south, really developing in that and watching their relationship grow. So, you know, that’s been, that’s been a cool thing for me to watch their faith grow and their kind of understanding of that grow. And so, um, for me, that’s where I kind of learned that. And that’s my background there, what great role models they will. Yes,
Matthew: (12:49)
That’s great. So, Nick, how would you, I mean, I know a little bit about your family, but I’m not going to give anybody that click notes here. This is going to come from you buddy. So tell me what, you know, growing up in the household that you grew up in, what did love look like? How was love expressed in your family growing up?
Nick: (13:04)
Well, I mean, I could say, you know, I start with my mom, she’s a super mom, you know, working, um, you know, every day, tough job and still, you know, it was always there for everything that we wanted to do, which of course, when I was younger, uh, was baseball every day, all day driving, you know, four or five hours to go play all across the state. Um, you know, and she was always there, uh, you know, supporting us. Um, obviously my brother’s eight years younger, so it really, it was me in the beginning and you know, my dad, if you’ve met my dad, everybody says, you know, he just has a heart of gold. I mean, he would give his shirt off of his back to somebody else had needed it. Um, you know, and I really got to see that outside of our house and, you know, sort of, uh, everyday life when I would go see him at the restaurant.
Nick: (13:56)
Um, you know, you guys know he owned restaurants when I was growing up and, you know, he’s a little more retired now, which you can tell he’s bored, but just the people that he had working there obviously were from all walks of life. You know, some of them needed help in times when they were, you know, maybe it had to hit a rough patch and he was there to help them. Uh, you know, it wasn’t necessarily, he was the owner of the business and they were in the employees, but they were people that he cared about, you know, that he would help. And then at home, you know, the two of them, uh, they were always so supportive of us, uh, and whatever we wanted to do. And, you know, you can tell the kind of relationship that they have, even, even if they have a, you know, a fight or something like that, you know, just it’s over and their back being, you know, in love with each other. Um, you know, they have so much fun together and they taught us, I think my brother and I, you know, what it means to have a good family, good family values. Um, and we got that growing up and in school, but we really got it at home, uh, which was important. Um, so sure. And I think part of that comes from the Italian, you know, big family.
Kim: (15:14)
How did they communicate Nick, tell me a little bit about when they were, um, you know, communicating with each other and what was their, what was their dialogue? Like, how did they, if they did have a rough patch, like you say, or they were having a little bit of conflict, what did that look like?
Nick: (15:31)
Well, you know, I think, uh, and the, the Italian blood boils hot and then it cools back down. So, you know, I mean, it’s, I think what we saw from my parents is that, you know, no matter what, you have two people that love each other so much. And, uh, even if, you know, you have a fight about something, you know, the important thing is the family. Um, and, and that’s something that we always got with them. You know, that family comes first and not just that, but we also, we learned a lot of lessons about life from them, too. Um, you know, not just about, you know, what it means to have a partner in life, but what, what are your goals as a partner, as a family, you know, as a kid, you learn a lot from that kind of stuff.
Matthew: (16:20)
Sounds good. So you got to see, so it sounds like Nick, that you saw those conflicts resolved, right? And what’d you say, Hey, they had issues, but they worked through it and got back to center as low as you did.
Nick: (16:34)
So there wasn’t, we had way more fun. You know, there was way more good times than, you know, I mean, there, you know, that my parents are awesome. I mean, I think they have the most fun, you know, if we go to a wedding they’re always dancing, you know, my mom wants to go out and have fun. My dad of course loves to have fun. Um, we’re always cooking, you know, dinner time was a really big time for us because during the day everyone’s at school, they’re working, you know, whether I have baseball practice, but the, the time at the dinner table, from when I was young, till when I left for college, that was the time when the family was together and we weren’t distracted by phones or TV, you know, that was our time to sit around and enjoy each other’s company. Um, and, and that’s something that was really important, uh, especially to my dad, because he grew up and dinner time was the time where they all were at the table and my nanny had made something. My grandpa was sitting there, all the kids. And that was an important time. And, you know, we got that too, which was really seeing how special,
Kim: (17:41)
The privilege of sitting around that very table with your family. And I have to say, there really is nothing like it and of being able to be there. First of all, the food is incredible, but that always, what struck me the most was that I knew, and I felt so welcome and so much a part of your family. And I, and I knew that this was not just a one night thing, that this is a reoccurring theme in your household. And that, that was the time that you all really came together and shared and communicated and loved. So,
Matthew: (18:20)
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. A real gift to be part of that. And it’s something that I think one of the reasons we love you and your family so much is because we share that commonality of the meal and the fellowship, and it’s a gift, right? I mean, everybody has to eat, but when you make it, uh, an expression of love and sharing, uh, it just makes it so much more, so much. Absolutely so much more rich.
Nick: (18:42)
And so we joke all the time too, just about my dad, but what makes my dad the happiest, he shows love through food and through sharing that with other people. And I tell people, if you really want to make my dad happy, just come to my house, eat and drink and tell him how good it was. And it will be good. Of course we know he needs to hear it. And that’s, that’s, he loves that.
Matthew: (19:08)
Yeah. So Chelsea, tell me, I want to ask you, and then Nick will ask you the same question in a second. What are some of the things from your childhood, your growing up that you’re going to either you’re going to bring, or you’ve brought to the relationship you’re in now? Like what, what did you bring forward and do you see active in your relationship with Nick that was important to her, a part of when you were growing up?
Chelsea: (19:30)
I think two things to me that were always there was that one, I always felt supported no matter whether it was just having a bad day, I needed someone to talk to, or it was, you know, trying to achieve something and not understanding maybe the steps to get there. I always felt that I had somewhere to turn from, from above my parents, from my outer family to everything like that. Um, and I always had somewhere to turn and always felt supported. And I think to me that is something that I not only want to bring in to this relationship, but as into my family. And I think we both have the backgrounds that we have such a support system, and I think kind of going forward and bringing that into our family. It’s something that’s always going to be there and something that is very important to me.
Chelsea: (20:09)
I also think, you know, the communication in my family was always there. Um, you know, we had such a great relationships in terms of what, what was going on, the family dynamic, what was needed from everybody, what, what was wanted from everybody. I think that was something that was always there. My mom, she’s very loud and, and just very, very communicated with what she wants and what she expects. And that was something that I always loved and appreciated. So I think, you know, communication and also support are two things that I really want, and that are very important to me. Um, you know, in a relationship and, and a family.
Kim: (20:42)
How do you communicate, tell me a little, tell me just a little bit about how, how do you and Nick throughout the day, and maybe there, maybe there has been some conflict that has arisen. How would you handle that as well? Yeah,
Chelsea: (20:55)
I think, you know, for us, it was a little bit of a different situation of where we were, you know, we S our relationship when we first kind of started talking and we were still kind of in separate places. And then obviously with the pandemic, bringing us back, you know, we went from long distance communicating to then being, you know, face-to-face almost every day and then to, you know, really being spending almost every day together. And I think, you know, for us to have that in-person communication to go have those walks in the morning where we’re separate from technology and things, where are both of our jobs are both very technology-based. So to have that in-person communication, that face-to-face time where it’s just us and I suppose, kind of learning to be better listeners. We were both single and alone for so long in terms of, you know, with our work and very focused on that. So to be able to take that time, to just be together and have that no noise, I guess, and no technology is something that’s really important to me. And I know with Nick, you know, we both take that time. So I think really having, you know, taking those key moments of time without technology and all that to kind of put aside to have that as something that’s, um, important to us as part of communication,
Kim: (22:00)
I’m hearing that you guys like to take a walk in the morning, and to me, I think that’s just such an incredible time to connect finding times throughout the day where you can really truly, like you said, be one-on-one and connect with each other. Right. So now what about conflict? Tell me a little bit about how that when something comes up and, um, you were irritated or, you know, you’re just getting a little bit annoyed with something. Cause you know, we know that, all right,
Chelsea: (22:32)
I think I’m the one to handle it. Well, I think, you know, Nick has really become such a fantastic listener cause I’d probably get a little more aggravated easilier than he does. And I think he’s been so great about, you know, maybe being defensive at first, but he’s really come to understand exactly where I’m coming from. And maybe he doesn’t necessarily agree with what I’m saying, but he understands the point of where I’m coming from and we’ve become really good at kind of understanding both viewpoints and then kind of compromising on, you know, an agreement or something, you know, most of the time I feel like Nick is always compromising to me, but I’m trying to become a little bit more aware of that too. And I think, um, you know, that’s one of the reasons like Nick, he’s always constantly trying to make sure I’m not stressed or, you know, I’m relaxed and things like that. And I think he’s just so good at really understanding where I’m coming from and then helping me maybe get there a different way or helping to see where he’s coming from and then meeting in the middle on that point.
Kim: (23:25)
I love that I’ve Tom really mature for, I think, um, a young relationship. Um, I love to hear when you’re able to really just lay it out there and say, this is how I’m feeling. This is what is happening right now with me. And, um, you can just kind of go back and forth and really work through it rather than yelling and shouting and then, you know, turning away from each other and not speaking to each other. So yeah,
Matthew: (23:52)
Kim talked about, and Chelsea mentioned to compromise Nick and tell me, how do you see compromise in your relationship between you, between the two of you or you as an individual? Like how does, how does that play out in your relationship?
Nick: (24:06)
Well, I think the, the first thing to remember that’s most important is that anything that we do that we’re going to do together, we should both be happy. And so, you know, if, if we differ about something, then I always come at it as you know, well, do I really care about this one? You know, and, and how important is it, you know, to me, if we do it the way that Chelsea wants to do, or we go somewhere or, you know, I mean, we were talking the other day about, um, tuxes for weddings. And I mean, this is just a funny example and she’s, you know, she’s telling me, you know, I’ve always pictured in my head, you know, why wedding dress and urine a black tux? And I said, well, what if I want to wear like, you know, midnight Navy blue tux, because I love that. And she said, well, no. And I thought to myself, you know, is that really a big deal to me? Like I could wear it for another wedding, you know? And I kind of like inside, I said, I like black tux. I looked good in it. It’s okay. Um, you know, and so it really just depends,
Chelsea: (25:12)
But can I have my shoes? And I said, you can wear whatever shoes
Matthew: (25:14)
[inaudible].
Nick: (25:21)
So I think it just really depends on how many, you have to remember the most important thing, which is that I tell her all the time, you know, it’s me and you that’s what matters the most. And so what are we going to do? Are we going to be happy? And if the answer is yes, then we can do it. Um, and we haven’t really had any big fights where it’s been like, you know, we needed a big compromise. I mean, I feel like most of it is pretty small stuff. Right. Um, and honestly that’s because a lot of times we were on the same page about almost everything. I mean, we finish each other sentence, like a couple of times a day, which is a little scary, but I mean, literally that it happens. Um, and, and, you know, there’s not too much that our, our viewpoints on the world that are really, you know, starkly different. And I think that is a lot because of our personality and also because the way we were raised and grew up things that we like to do for fun. So
Kim: (26:19)
I think that was a great example. I, I, I really appreciated you saying that you paused, you paused and thought, is this really worth the, you know, putting my foot down and saying, no, I’m wearing blue. You know, I’m going to wear blue. I’m not wearing black. And I think that so many times we don’t do that. We just, oh, no, no, no. I, you know, I have to have it my way. And, um, again, I, I love that, that lesson of just taking a breath, pause, asking yourself that question, and then, you know, you will find, I think when you do pause and you do ask yourself that question, you will sort of look at yourself and go, well, I don’t really, I care about it, but I don’t really care about it that much.
Matthew: (27:06)
Yeah. And it’s, it’s, it’s funny because we, we, a lot of the things you’re talking about and Nick, you, you, you said you ha you had to think about that issue and how important is it to you and how important is the relationship? You know, when there’s, there’s before you’re in a committed relationship, there’s you, there’s I, you and us. Right. And you kind of think about those three things. Well, what do I want, what does she want? But as the longer you’re in a committed relationship, the I and the, you kind of go away and it becomes about what’s best for us, right? The activity, the decision, our time, what we’re doing is this a win for us. And so what I heard you say about the whole, the whole tux thing is like, okay, how important is this for us, right? Or it’s not important to win.
Matthew: (27:53)
Cause there’s, if it’s a win for us, it’s a win. And I think being willing to let go the wind for me, or the win for you, because if one person wins the opposite is while someone’s losing. Right. And when you’re in a committed relationship, it’s gotta be about the win for us. So what I heard from both of you that I just want to magnify a little bit is it sounds like to me, your answers, you’re both committed to the us. And that’s one of the golden keys, right? Have a great relationship, a kick relationship is what’s in it for us. And, and that, and that seems to win the day. So congratulations on learning that at an early stage. Some people don’t learn that for a long time. Some people never learn it. And then it causes the breakup of a relationship because people just, they can’t get overwhelmed. Aye, aye, aye. Right. Or they say, Hey, you it’s always about you and you so good. Kudos for both.
Nick: (28:50)
One of the things too, that we have talked about together and realizes both of us separately, you know, we were great on our own. You know, we were both successful. We had great friends, we had great lives, but together we’re way better. You know? And, and that’s because it’s, it’s the us it’s because it’s, you know, it’s, it’s Chelsea, Nick not, Chelsea is gray and Nick is great, you know, and together or separately, great it’s together as one or way better, you know, than we were apart.
Matthew: (29:24)
So when it comes to creating a kick marriage, do you ever wonder how you’re doing? We found that there are 13 key components that make up a thriving relationship, which is why we’ve created the kick-ass assessment in this powerful, free tool. You’ll learn what they are and how you and your spouse are ranking in each one. And you’ll get recommendations that will help you start moving today, get your results, simply visit Matthew hoff.com. Again, that’s Matthew hoffman.com. It’s time to start kicking. Let’s go a lot of time talking about the three CS, the commitment, communication, and conflict resolution. And we want to kind of step outside of that. And I think that we shared with you and you guys talked about the kick-ass assessment. You took that, which is interesting. Maybe we’ll dive into that more later, but, uh, so we have those, that assessment is made up of 13 pillars, and those are the 13 pillars that Kim and I think are really critical to any quality relationships. So, as we’ve talked about the three CS, the first three, but as you look over that list or think about some of those other qualities and I can review them if you’d like me to, but I’m curious, what are the qualities are most important to you? Like if you say I’m looking at trust or patients or intimacy or lasting love or faith, what besides those three CS and Chelsea, if you, if you’d start with, what, what sticks out to you, like what’s most important in your relationship as you think about those pillars?
Chelsea: (31:00)
Right. I think, you know, number four, trust and honesty for me, um, I’ve voiced this to Nick w you know, when we first started dating that, that for me, um, you know, something that’s very important, you know, growing up, going to IMG and watching, you know, being surrounded in so many different areas of my work and seeing relationships, you know, kind of dissolve and fall apart, um, all because of trust and honesty, those bonds were broken. That is something to me that I made very clear kind of in the beginning of our relationship, um, was really important to me and, and Nick, you know, really understood that. And I’ve always felt very secure in that. And I also think patients, um, I voiced it a couple of times today, um, of how, you know, I’m kind of all over the place and just because of my work and things like that, I’m very, you know, kind of on the go and having someone that completely and fully understands that about me and is able to kind of accept that and work with me on maybe some of those things that, like I said, I don’t love about myself or wish, you know, could, you know, work on calming down or things like that.
Chelsea: (31:59)
And him totally being able to see that and work with me and help me get to a better place in that is something that, you know, maybe I didn’t even know was really important to me until Nick kind of came into my life and I saw those things. And, um, you know, one of my best friends said, she goes, I knew that Nick was your person because he fully accepted not just you, but your work and what you’re doing. And you can see him like kind of hungry to help with that and make you almost better in some of those areas or, you know, help with some of that stuff. And she was like, it was just so cool to see that he loved that where, you know, in some of the other relationships that you’ve been in, you know, seeing it almost as an annoyance or, you know, a problem or something that, you know, would, would be a problem, the relationship. So I think patients was something I really didn’t think was going to be important. And then as our relationship developed really became important to me. So I know those are the ones right under, but I think, um, you know, like I said, trust and honesty was something that was important for me from day one. And then patients was something I didn’t ever really think would be important, but really has shown up, I think, in this relationship and become so strong to me.
Kim: (33:00)
So Nick, before I ask you the same question, I’m just curious, what things do you do to help her make you, um, or make, make her feel the trust and that the honesty is there? What, what are there little things, are there big things, just give us an example of something that you might do to help her feel more comfortable in that area?
Nick: (33:23)
Well, I mean, it’s a little stuff just reminding her every day that, you know, she’s the most important person. Um, and then, you know, I wanna make her feel like I put her first, um, and I put us first and the patient’s thing, you know, I mean, it could be as, uh, as simple as, you know, she may be stressed about a project and I just walk her through and say, everything is going to be okay. You know, this is what, you know, we can do and talk through it and have ideas and try to put it in perspective that, you know, yes, this is a big project and you need to perform well, but it’s going to be great. And there’s not, you shouldn’t be stressed about you should be excited about it. Um, and just coming at it from a different angle and, you know, telling her I’m always there to help, you know, thankfully my job actually, you know, is complimentary to what she does. Uh, you know, I’m much more a behind the scenes, you know, orchestrating, uh, the magic where she is, the one you who’s part of the magic and making it happen. Uh, but you know, that’s, that’s something that’s been really great, you know, my skill set, I can help her, um, and I can make it better. And just letting her know that that’s, I’ll always be there to do that, you know, no matter what. Um, so I think that’s been important.
Chelsea: (34:46)
And I also think you asked me a lot of the time, my opinion on things, and you always kind of bring me into, you know, whether it’s plans or it’s opinions, he’s very open with what’s going on. And then always kind of asked for my input. And I think just kind of being kind of in that position to where I know that my opinion is valued and that I am respected, I think really does mean a lot to me there as well.
Kim: (35:09)
Nick, what about, what about you? I would love to hear from you of the 13 pillars, which, uh, which pillar stands out to you as being most important or the one that you really resonate with.
Nick: (35:25)
So I th there’s, there’s two, I think, you know, actually all the way down to number 11, really, in terms of the faith, um, you know, that one, the things I love about Chelsea the most and she’s way better at it than I am, uh, is having this faith, you know, the faith and the relationship, you know, that it’s gonna work out. Um, and then also too, you know, number seven, the last in love, I mean, that’s so important. There’s, I’ve had plenty of buddies and they, you know, think somebody is the one that’s a real fighter in the beginning and they find out they’re so wrong for each other. Um, and you know, I’ve seen that, you know, through good friends and, you know, obviously I’m sure, you know, Chelsea has experienced herself just as I have, but when we really started to, you know, be a couple of weeks, we realized quickly that this was something obviously very fiery for us, but also, uh, had, can have serious longevity.
Nick: (36:27)
Uh, and that’s something that I think we were both looking for and not necessarily expecting to find, you know, in a pandemic, but, but once we found it, it kinda hit us in the face and said, wow, this has been here this whole time. And I kind of always knew a little bit. And I tell her this, this story about, you know, a really, really good friend of mine, um, that we’ve been friends since we were five years old. And I had met Chelsea while I was in college. And, you know, there was always like this little spark, but we were apart and I actually met her parents before I even met her. And I was really close with their parents, you know, and respected them. And we had a great relationship, um, which, you know, obviously is one of the best things about our relationship today too.
Nick: (37:13)
But he, you know, she was, we were all going out one night and she was, you know, spending the night and he told me, he said, are you basically, are you going to make a move on this girl? And I said, I don’t know. So I’m really, you know, struggling with it. You know, she lives at Michigan, you know, I’m going to DC. I don’t know where she’s going to go. And he said, well, do you really care about her? And could you ever see something happen? I said, yeah. And he said, then don’t do anything. You’ll regret it. If you do anything now. And sure enough, you know, he reminded me of that last year when we were starting to hang out again and he asked me, he said, what are you doing? I said, what do you mean? He goes, you and Chels, you’re a thing.
Nick: (37:52)
Everyone can see it. What are you doing? You know, why isn’t she your girlfriend yet? And we had only really been seeing each other at that point for maybe a month about, you know, we had been back for about six weeks and we had been seeing each other for a month. And, uh, I just said, yeah, you’re right. What am I doing? You know, and the next day I said, you know, so are you my girlfriend? And, you know, she said, yeah, you go with me. So that’s, you know, kinda it. But, uh, yeah, I mean, the, you know, this is somebody that’s known me longer than my brother who, you know, is a very good friend of mine and he knew right away. Um, and he was spot on.
Matthew: (38:35)
Good advice. I love to hear that so, well, I appreciate you sharing that. And so one of the things that, um, you know, you guys said you known each other for a long time and then, you know, kind of came back together. So as you look back over your relationship where you are now and what it was like when you first met. And so, uh, Nick, I’ll ask you this first is if you could give your self yourself before knowing, and being with Chelsea one piece of advice, what would that be? Okay.
Nick: (39:08)
Let’s think about that. That’s a tough question. Um, well, I think, I think I know what it is. So when I first met Chelsea, I think immediately what we recognized in each other is two people who really love all that life has to offer in terms of embracing, being in the moment and having a great time and enjoying it with people that you care about. And to this day, that’s something that we really enjoy and it could be doing anything. And so I would tell myself, you know, never lose that. And I don’t know if I ever lost it, but,
Matthew: (39:47)
Um, so staying in the moment and enjoining everything you can, where you are.
Nick: (39:51)
And yeah, and, and it’s, you know, I think like staying in the moment almost sounds like such a cheap phrase almost. Um, but it’s more of, you know, whatever that you have going on. Don’t worry so much about what other people are doing. You know, there’s things in front of you that are happening in your life that are great. And there’s people that you have that are great, that you can enjoy those things with, and you should be appreciative of that and be there at that time and devote your attention, energy to that moment. Instead of thinking about all these things that are outside of your control, um, show up and be present.
Nick: (40:33)
And that’s something that I think we do today too. And we’re always trying to remind each other of, you know, there may be something happening that, I mean, you know, could we be doing that or that’s a great idea. And we have to bring ourselves back and say, you know, w we have a great life and we have a great friends, very family, we have a lot to be thankful for things happen. You know, everything happens as it should. There’s a plan for the way that things are supposed to happen. And it may not make sense at some points, you know, and you may be questioning it. I mean, that happened to me more than once in my life. Um, if you would have talked to me when I was 18 years old, I would’ve told you I never would have worked in decent politics. I was, you know, gonna get drafted and get playing in the minor leagues. And I was going to try to play, you know, in the MLB, you know, and, and, uh, obviously I got hurt.
Matthew: (41:24)
Yeah. We knew that boy.
Nick: (41:27)
And you know, that, that, you know, I’m very, you know, different than I then that point in time there, um, you know, I never would have expected my life to turn out like this, but it did. And it’s, and I’ve loved how it’s turned out, you know, there are so, so that’s what I mean when you say, you know, there’s a plan for everything, you know, you may not be able to see it, but just enjoy what’s happening and be appreciative for
Kim: (41:50)
What about you, Chelsea, if you had to give yourself that piece of advice as well, what would it be?
Chelsea: (41:55)
I think mine’s very similar, but maybe even more relationship-based. Um, I think, you know, at that time in my life being so young, I was constantly looking for relationship, um, and not really understanding what exactly I wanted. I think everything in my life up to this point kind of faced me for that. And I think it’s just so important. Um, you know, I talked to my friends a lot about, you know, now being in a relationship I’m like, I’m no relationship guru, but I can totally see that every relationship I was in up to that point led me to know exactly what I wanted and be even more appreciative for Nick and what we have. I think, I don’t know if I would really be as thankful for this relationship. I hadn’t gone through everything that I went through in relationships to this point. You know, I, you know, I’m so thin.
Chelsea: (42:41)
I know at times I’m like, God, why, why are you having me go through this relationship heartbreak and you know, all this stuff. And then, you know, now looking back, being like, wow, I had to go through that pain to now see like all the joy in this relationship and understand that you know who I am. And I think as a female, sometimes we kind of internalize it like, oh, this, this is happening to me because of me or it’s my fault. And I think not, you know, I would tell myself that it’s not your fault. You have to go through these things. You have to experience these things to now be who you are, and also the person you are in a relationship and to experience this joy. So it’s a little bit similar, but more, I think, relationship based.
Kim: (43:19)
I love that. Yeah. We grow a lot through those challenges. And then when we come together with that person that we just know we’re supposed to be with, I feel like, um, we’re ready at that point. Right. Because we’ve grown and we’ve been through the challenges and, um, it’s just, it feels right. And it feels easier. Um, and, and you’re ready.
Chelsea: (43:42)
Yes. I totally agree with that.
Matthew: (43:45)
Well, we have, uh, one question then we’re going to transition to something kind of fun called behind the scenes, but before we get there, so one of the, one of the things that Kim and I talk a lot about, and I don’t have you ever heard this? It’s not something I created necessarily, but there’s a concept called spillover thinking, right. And so in our relationship, uh, Kim and I pour into each other so much and we have so much good in our lives. Uh, and my goal is to pour into Kim as much as I can so that she can keep all that good, because if that good spills over right. Other people are going to benefit from that. So I’m curious, I’d love for you guys each to think of a way, how does the good in your relationship spill over into other areas of your life? How, how have you each seen that, think about how does that good in your relationship spill into other areas of your life outside of that relationship and maybe share that, share that thought with us?
Nick: (44:39)
Well, one thing that comes to mind quickly, I think is, uh, we have such great friend groups and we’ve actually been able to bring some of them together. Um, and you know, we have a couple that we’re going to see in a few days that actually met because of, you know, started dating because of us. And, you know, they’ve been dating almost as homeless, as long as it’s now. Um, but you know, they have a great relationship. Uh, uh, the other thing that we’ve been able to do, I think, which is really related to Chelsea’s golf, but, you know, she’s been able to help a lot of people, um, you know, on the course and connect with a lot of people who are fans of golf or who play golf and maybe they do something for charity. Uh, there actually was a lady that we met at a tournament in Florida, you know, a few weeks ago. And I recognized the charity because, and when I was working for, um, you know, Marco, we had done stuff with them and I recognized it right away. And you know, her being able to help people through her work is really cool. And, you know, that’s something I’ve been able to see,
Chelsea: (45:52)
You know, in our relationship, there’s a lot of love and there’s a lot of fun. And I think Nick and I have been so fortunate to be able to travel to a lot of places and, you know, experience a lot of fun things. And I think we we’ve been able to kind of share that with others. Um, I always joke, but, you know, I, like I said, I, I like to share my talent of golf and, you know, I do have a gift in that and I am thankful, and to be able to share that with other women or other men, by giving golf tips or, you know, taking them on golf courses that maybe they wouldn’t be able to, you know, experience otherwise. And then, you know, Nick has this incredible gift of cooking, you know, that was started with his family. And, and, and it’s so cool because a lot of people don’t ever get a home cooked meal by someone.
Chelsea: (46:31)
I mean, I call him Nick a chef. He’s like, I’m not a chef, but they never get that. And I think, you know, to be able to share a love and a very unique way, you know, whether it’s on the golf course or in the kitchen, that’s something we love to do. And we love to host and to allow people to just kind of experience, you know, life in a different way. And I think, you know, we’ve been able to do it so much in any time we kind of open those doors and allow other people in, I think is something that’s really cool and, and a little bit different. So
Kim: (46:56)
We can really resonate with that. Cause I feel like we were very similar in that way. Um, but what I also think happens is you are definitely spilling all of that, that love that you have for each other and that joy over into your relationships with other people, with your friendships. Um, and then I truly believe that while you’re hosting and while you’re having all these people in your home or wherever it may be or whatever you’re doing, it that’s blessing you as well. So it’s a two way. Um, and I think you guys are amazing. You’re young, you’re dynamic. You guys get it.
Matthew: (47:35)
Yeah. You’re, you’re much further along in your relationship. People, people who’ve been married 10 and 15 years. Right. You know, you’re, you’re, you’re, you’re starting with a great winning,
Nick: (47:47)
No doubt. This is a house of winners here. That’s right. I always joke with her kids are going to come home and they’re going to come up with a second place trophy and said, dad, you know, I’m putting this in the garbage,
Matthew: (48:05)
Oh golly. Yeah. Second place is first loser right now. That’s right.
Nick: (48:10)
Okay. Okay. Well, competitive over here. So we both have that. We’re both very,
Matthew: (48:15)
Oh, well, gosh, we have just absolutely loved spending some time with you today. If you’d like, we got to know you a little bit better, we appreciate your openness and your honesty and you know, we could talk forever, but we want to be respectful of your time. So thank you for the gift of your time and also kind of bearing your souls a little bit with us today. And we look forward to sharing your stories and what, what you’ve given us an opportunity to kind of a peek behind the curtain, into what makes your relationship. So kick.
Kim: (48:44)
Yeah. Like I said, young, and just a huge encouragement for other people, um, who are like you in relationships that are new and growing and are unfolding. So thank you for letting us have a little peak into yours. We’re really grateful.
Chelsea: (49:03)
It’s an honor
Nick: (49:03)
To be on here. I mean, we get to do
Chelsea: (49:06)
A lot of these, I think individually or I do, and Nick’s more, you know, scripting most of these. So it’s really cool that we got the opportunity to do it together. And this was the first for us and I love experiencing those. So thank you
Kim: (49:17)
Guys behind the scenes for Nick today, right? Yeah.
Nick: (49:20)
Yeah. I’m in the front. Yep.
Matthew: (49:25)
Yeah. He’s got that. Yeah. He’s got the nice pancake base there. Nick. You’re elegant looking sharp on HD baby. Love it. Love it. Yeah. Well thank you guys so much.
Nick: (49:38)
Yeah, we will.
Kim: (49:40)
That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the kick-ass couples podcast. If you like the content of the show, you’ll love Matthew’s upcoming book, kick husband, winning at life marriage insects to receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is rate this show and leave a review in apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune in to listen. Then email us a screenshot of your review at podcast at kick-ass couples, podcast.com and we’ll get it over to you right away
Matthew: (50:15)
Until next time. Remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.