TRANSCRIPT
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
relationship, men, rabbi yosef, partner, women, talk, kim, physical intimacy, conversation, fierce conversations, vulnerable, commit, takeaway, connect, happen, communication, question, love, heard, asked
SPEAKERS
Matthew Hoffman, Kimberly Hoffman
Matthew Hoffman 00:12
Welcome back, everybody to the Kickass Couples Podcast. I am here with my most favorite person in the world. My highest priority. My sweetest woman, Kimberly Diane Swain Payne Hoffman. I put all those names together when she knows that I want to make her laugh. Her name is my name’s as if
Kimberly Hoffman 02:58
Lots of names
Matthew Hoffman 02:59
A lot of names. She’s number one the priority. But we’re here to talk about what a guy can do what a man can do to build his best relationship. We had a great time with Jerremy Newsome, who’s an alumni of our program got to interview his beautiful wife Svetlana and, and he not too long ago and asked him back because he had such a great take. And then Rabbi Yosef Lynn all the way from Israel, who came in and he’s a coach and works with people and helps them become better and stronger. And we had a great discussion. Kim didn’t we?
Kimberly Hoffman 03:35
We sure did.
Matthew Hoffman 03:36
we talked about what women can do? And another episode and everyone said, How come you don’t talk about what the guy’s got?
Kimberly Hoffman 03:41
I know, well, I love that episode. And I thought, gosh, we did it for women. So we definitely have to turn the tables and do it for men as well. And we couldn’t have had two better, more professional people who really work day in and day out on relationships, right? This is what they do. This is what they’re good at. Well, yeah. This is what their profession is.
Matthew Hoffman 04:03
Yeah, I mean, Jerremy does it more on the financial side, but really, everything is people. I think he would say that and how you make relationships. And he definitely believes in that concept of spillover that what’s happening in the big part of his life, his relationship, his marriage with his wife, in forms and relates to everything else that he does. And we want to we’re gonna dispel some rumors today and share some new ideas and just make guys and ladies aware of what has to happen have a solid relationship. And you know, the first question I asked, come out of the chute, my first big takeaway was, in their own experience, what do they find that you have to do to have a killer relationship and I really loved Yosef’s first response we talked about, I’m going to read this because this is fantastic advice is my best takeaway is, he said, When I proactively invest in my marriage, that is what creates the most growth, the most connection, the most intimacy, he goes, you name it. And a lot of people think that he said, if you find the right person, it’s just automatic.
Matthew Hoffman 05:14
Yeah.
Matthew Hoffman 05:15
It just happens.
Kimberly Hoffman 05:15
There’s an idea out there that, oh, I’ve got my life, mate, I’ve got my soulmate, and everything is we’re gonna get married, and everything is just going to be fine and dandy. And that just isn’t so. And I think that most of our listeners will agree with us after you get one year or two years in, it gets difficult. It gets challenging.
Matthew Hoffman 05:34
Yeah.
Kimberly Hoffman 05:34
And, you know, life’s gonna throw us curveballs. And so we have to be prepared for those challenges by having a healthy growing relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 05:44
Yeah, and he said the word proactive guys, which means you don’t wait for it to blow up,
Kimberly Hoffman 06:19
That’s right.
Matthew Hoffman 06:33
you know, you don’t wait for your the tires to fall off your car, to get new ones or the alignment, you know, you do things before they’re needed. So you don’t get derailed. And that’s kind of the essence of what I took away with him.
Kimberly Hoffman 06:58
Yeah. And I would say that Jerremy also said, you know, similarly, great marriages don’t happen, they’re built. And so you know, building those really having that stable foundation that you build, and then those walls that you also work for rebuilding really do make for a sound relationship house. And so, you know, we have to be able to learn how to understand each other, how to commit to each other, how to communicate with each other, and how to resolve conflict, all part of the building blocks.
Matthew Hoffman 07:36
Yeah, you know, a lot of men don’t know, struggle with communicating that they might feel it and understand it themselves. But taking it from the heart to the mouth and having it come out. And that’s really just practice. There’s no magic way. Kim, I don’t think you know, I mean, gosh, having a tough conversation is having a tough conversation. There’s even a book that I read, and you read called fierce conversations, and it talks about having the conversations that you need to have. So you get stuff on the table so it can be resolved. And I think that you know that Jerremy really hit that key idea that you’re referring to about being able to communicate what you’re feeling to your partner.
Matthew Hoffman 08:21
That’s huge.
Kimberly Hoffman 08:21
Exactly
Kimberly Hoffman 08:23
Did you have any other takeaways?
Matthew Hoffman 08:24
I did. You know, I think we kind of went into you asked a question about men and stereotypes. And how men are stereotyped, that and you know, what are they and what stereotypes or issues do men in general, have to overcome? And Jerremy said, Alright, let’s dispel this is my next takeaway. He said, here’s three stereotypes. One, men only want sex. Two, men only want younger women who are hotter, and three, men are terrified of commitment. And he said, there might be some people that those things do apply to, but they’re stereotypes for a reason. And they certainly don’t apply to all men. And he said, they certainly don’t apply to me. And here’s why. He said, You know, every single human being enjoys sex, or he said, maybe there’s some for some reason, don’t. But he said, That’s kind of like the best part of a relationship. And, you know, guys want to hear the woman say, I respect you.
Kimberly Hoffman 09:24
Yeah. And, you know, we talked a little bit with him about communication, as I’m sorry, about commitment as well. And Jerremy spoke about, you know, commitment. That was another thing that he brought up, and I loved how he said, you know, men aren’t afraid of commitment. Men commit to things all the time and then commit to furthering and education, they commit to a football team that they love, they commit to whatever work they may be doing and progressing in that work. So it’s not really a fear of a commitment, or of him committing to you because men commit all the time. I love how he made that reference.
Matthew Hoffman 10:03
And he went a little deeper. Kim, you said that men just may not want to commit to you. So if your man isn’t committing to you guys, if you’re not committing to you’re woman, that’s a statement, it might be unintentional. Might be unintentional, but it might also be intentional. So men aren’t afraid of it, they just may not want to commit to you for some reason about something. And that’s where that communication and those fierce conversations, I think, come in. And, you know, and then Rabbi Yosef said, you know, there’s an assumption that women make I think sometimes, and this is another takeaway from me, Kim. He says, a lot of women assume that their man, their husband, their life partner knows how much they appreciate him for his value, right?
Kimberly Hoffman 10:49
Yeah.
Matthew Hoffman 10:50
And that’s a dangerous assumption, because men, like women want to know that their partners appreciate them, that they respect them. And they need to hear it maybe more often than than women do I think.
Kimberly Hoffman 11:05
Absolutely. He also brought up a great point about vulnerability. You said that, you know, men, there’s that belief out there that men can’t be vulnerable. And he said, I disagree with that totally. And he said, I think men crave vulnerability, they crave to be able to be vulnerable with their spouse and to be able to be open and they yearn for that. And it’s something that brings them closer together. And we talk about that a lot at Kickass Couples Nation, how important vulnerability is on both sides, and just as important for men to be open and honest about how they feel.
Matthew Hoffman 11:42
So guys, if you’re not comfortable, everyone that’s listening. And women too, if your man is not comfortable, being vulnerable, or what you might say, speaking from the heart, it could be that he’s not practiced and do it or it could be there’s fear. I was talking to a client today in my coaching program. And they said, I want to be vulnerable, I want to put it out there. But I’m afraid because if I do, and they trample it, or they don’t take it into competence, or they reveal me, as being less than, I’m scared of that. So if you’re not having those conversations with your female partner, or ladies, if that guy doesn’t seem like he’s having the conversations with you about vulnerability, it means they may not feel safe or secure.
Kimberly Hoffman 12:26
Exactly right.
Matthew Hoffman 12:26
And you can ask the right questions to create the safe space, and let them know you want to know. And guys, let your partner know you want to share but you need to know you’re safe, and that they’re going to protect those things you’re going to share.
Kimberly Hoffman 12:40
Yeah. And I believe that the intimacy that comes from that is absolutely incredible. It really does bring us closer together. And it really does make us feel like we’re unified and connected.
Matthew Hoffman 12:54
Yeah, because you’re learning more about somebody on a deeper level. It’s not surfacey, it’s their emotions, it’s their hopes, their fears, their dreams, those things that are on the inside, they don’t necessarily were on the outside. When you know more about Gottman talks about mapping, love mapping, that’s inner world stuff, what you think on the inside all the stuff that only someone who knows you or you let in is going to have a chance to understand.
Kimberly Hoffman 13:20
Yeah, well, my next big takeaway was you ask the question about the role of physical intimacy, sexual intimacy with your partner in, you know, with their wives. And, you know, Rabbi Yosef said, that’s the meat and potatoes. Right? That is the best part about being a couple. That physical intimacy that we have, it gives energy to every other part of the relationship, when your physical intimacy is healthy, and alive. And so it’s something we can’t ignore in our relationship. It’s something we have to give a lot of attention to. And that’s another space where we need to be open and vulnerable about what we need from each other.
Matthew Hoffman 14:05
Yeah. And when there’s frustration that happens around intimacy, a man may feel it’s not enough physical sexual intimacy are often or the quality isn’t good. Or the woman’s thinking man, if he would just be interested in what I have to say, when I’m feeling what I’m thinking. There’s frustration on either side. That is a problem. And if there’s frustration, it’s going to lead to dissatisfaction and resentment and it’s not going to support that real increase. You know. And I think what’s so funny, Jerremy responded as Kim, this was my next takeaway, He said, you know, 99% of the time, if a woman is not having physical intimacy, sex with her partner, is because she doesn’t trust him.
Kimberly Hoffman 15:55
Yeah.
Matthew Hoffman 15:56
It has nothing to do with lack of desire, because women are have needs like us too. But if a woman is holding back, or she’s resents it, or she’s just distant or doesn’t want to be involved with it, there’s a trust issue. And usually, the Trust has nothing to do with sex. It has something to do with the emotional, the intellectual, the spiritual, or the experiential connection, that is not firing in the relationship.
Matthew Hoffman 16:22
Yeah, I also love what you said. Jerremy said, use that sexual energy or frustration or whatever it might be, too. rebuild your trust. So actually take that frustrated, because you said it is energy and put it into actions. Put your words into action, start doing things to build that trust, start being helpful if you say you’re going to be helpful, you know, if you’ve made a promise or commitment to do something, follow through with it. So I loved how he said take that that energy that you have from whatever lack of sex you might be having put it into something production that can create the intimacy.
Matthew Hoffman 17:02
Yeah, and trust is huge. Trust is huge in a relationship. And it’s we’ve talked about this a lot. In fact, we just recorded another episode that you all be hearing coming up about how to divorce prove your relationship, and where there is no trust, right? When trust is violated, there really is no relationship and if that trust is violated by a broken promise, or infidelity or addiction, or whatever it may be, that account gets wiped clean.
Kimberly Hoffman 17:29
Yeah.
Matthew Hoffman 17:29
So, one thing can ruin the trust account. And it takes many deposits and a lot of repeated efforts to get it back up again.
Kimberly Hoffman 17:37
Yeah. We asked the question, How can a man become a woman’s hero? Right? And how can he really speak to her emotional needs? And you have an acronym that you use HUVA, right?
Matthew Hoffman 17:53
HUVA. Well, like a Bostonian accent saying, say in a vacuum cleaner they say the Hoover. Well, it was funny, because, you know, Jerremy said, He made some comments came in, he said, You know, I asked my wife a couple of questions all the time. The first one, he says, Will you marry me? And if she doesn’t say, Absolutely, without a doubt, she says, I gotta think about I’m not sure he’s like, alright, baby.
Kimberly Hoffman 18:17
We got to talk.
Matthew Hoffman 18:18
We got to have a talk. Because if you’re not going to say, yes, you’d marry me again, in a heartbeat. There’s issues all the time. And he asked me all the time. And and then can the other questions he said is Do you feel understood? Do you feel heard? And do you feel seen so guys listening? Once the last time you asked your partner those three questions, and Kim was talking about HUVA. H U V A. It’s an acronym obviously, H means heard. Everybody, including your wife, and guys, too. They want to be heard.
Kimberly Hoffman 18:47
We all want to be heard.
Matthew Hoffman 18:48
Are you listening to me? Not just listening, and I’m talking about you is their understanding. Do you understand me, right? U is understand? So it’s not just listening? You hear me? Yes. Do you understand me? You know where I’m coming from? Do you know why I’m feeling this way? Do you sympathize with it? And do you validate my feelings, right? V. Heard understood value, do you value me? And that doesn’t mean that means appreciate. That means, Do you put me in a spot where you say, Man, the things you do, what you bring to this relationship, bring great value to me. And here’s how and then the last is appreciated.
Kimberly Hoffman 19:27
Yeah.
Matthew Hoffman 19:27
I’ve never worked Kim and all the speeches I’ve given her clients I’ve coached no one has ever told me I feel too appreciated for what I bring or what I do in this relationship. So H U V A. Heard, understood, valued and appreciated.
Kimberly Hoffman 19:43
And Rabbi Yosef said check ins check ins are crucial. So making sure we have that connectivity throughout the day throughout the week. How are you doing? What are you feeling? What’s happening? Really make In an effort to connect with our spouse to see how they’re doing.
Matthew Hoffman 20:05
Yeah. And I think that, you know, Kim, you and I learned this early on in our relationship, whether I came home from work because I didn’t used to work outside the home, and you were working as well, whatever that connection point was making sure that you’re focused on what’s critical, not what’s urgent. And there’s a difference in urgent means it’s calling for your attention. The phone is ringing, someone emailed you, somebody texted, the dog is barking, and the kid is crying, right? All these things that want to rip your attention. They’re urgent, but they’re not critical. And when you have that connection, time, that connection point with your partner, and Yosef said, You know what, he held up that phone, he goes this thing, let me turn this guy off. Because I could ignore the crying kids are running out and begging for my or mom’s attention. But he goes in that moment, your partner needs to know that they’re number one, and you have the exchange and you re tether, you reconnect, and that should be happening at least
Kimberly Hoffman 21:01
Choice right? And now, you have a choice. So you can decide, I’m going to look over here at my phone and see who texted me, or I’m going to be in in this moment. And I’m going to show up for myself, and I’m going to show that I am involved in this conversation. I’m interested in this conversation.
Matthew Hoffman 21:19
I mean, you should be having a grounding conversation, like a major one
Kimberly Hoffman 21:23
Every day.
Matthew Hoffman 21:23
At least once a day for 10 to 15, 20 minutes. And there’s gonna be a lot of little ones, Kim and I talk all the time about quality communication. Every time you connect, every time you communicate, every time you share, love, adoration, respect, appreciation, gratitude, those are all things that get another string and connect it between you and your partner. So yeah, that one major time, at some point throughout the day over dinner on a walk glass of wine on the couch, in each other’s arms, naked in bed. Right? Whatever it may be, that major connection needs to happen at least once a day with a huge supporting cast of other opportunities to connect and re tether to each other.
Kimberly Hoffman 22:07
So, what are some golden rules? Rabbi use have said there’s a couple of golden rules surrounding that communication, that connection.
Matthew Hoffman 22:15
Yeah.
Kimberly Hoffman 22:15
Do you want to share those with us?
Matthew Hoffman 22:17
Sure. One, he said is timing. All around communication, he said timing, you may want to say it and spit it out and get into it with your partner. But before you do, you got to really say is this the best time and it goes back to that urgent and critical doesn’t mean not addressing it. But if your partner is emotional, or something just happened and you’re emotional man, and you’re flooded, and you’re low front lobe is so big, that is not the right time to have a conversation. And the second thing he,
Kimberly Hoffman 22:47
You’re tired.
Matthew Hoffman 22:48
Yeah, you’re tired.
Kimberly Hoffman 22:49
Hungry. We talked about the things the timing is really important.
Matthew Hoffman 22:52
All your physiological needs aren’t being met yet unmet. So there’s nothing that’s clouding and the second thing he said, Kim, is, you want to make sure you’re delivering, right? And it’s not just the words, you say the words you say are important. Your communication, but it’s your body language, your voice, he goes my eyebrows. Are my arms crossed or open? Where am I in relation to her all the setting of the conversation and your intent in your heart is going to come out. And so he said, he said he find when he’s communicating and that he’s loving, one connecting again, then he can show up in the conversation. And he knows the timing is right. And his delivery and approach is right. It will be received in that way with his wife.
Kimberly Hoffman 23:44
Well, these are just the highlights that we sort of came up with after we were listening to this. And I can’t encourage our listeners enough to go back and listen to the entire episode because there’s a lot of great information that they both shared about how we can really have our best relationship as a man
Matthew Hoffman 24:05
Yeah, and show up. And so what am I going to do? And women what are the things that your man is trying to do that you can meet him halfway, or give him what he needs to show up the best for you. So great episode with Jerremy Newsome, and Rabbi Yosef, and just so much good stuff there. I hope you go back and listen to it. If you liked this episode, give us a thumbs up, throw us a rating. If there’s something that we’re not talking about the ego man, this needs to be addressed. We want to hear from you guys on this. Let us know we do special episodes like this all the time, in addition to interviewing kick ass couples who are masters of relationship and really hitting it and we’d love to hear from you.
Kimberly Hoffman 24:46
Thanks for listening in everybody. And remember that happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It’s on purpose.