Kickass Couples Podcast

Marry for Values Not for Love Ep. 46 RECAP Colin and Dawn Provine

By April 13, 2022April 15th, 2022No Comments

TRANSCRIPT

Matthew Hoffman 00:02
Welcome to the kick ass couples podcast. This is the place where we help committed couples
who want to level up their marriage experience newfound clarity, hope and confidence. We’re
Matthew and Ken, co hosts and husband and wife

Kimberly Hoffman 00:16
in 26 years together, we’ve seen a lot and never thought it could be as good as it is right now. We’re here to help you successfully navigate the messy, dirty and wonderful world of marriage.

Matthew Hoffman 00:28
We believe all couples deserve and are capable of experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling
marriage. And each week we’re bringing you life lessons from real life successful couples to
help you grow and strengthen your relationship.

Kimberly Hoffman 00:43
We’ll get started right after this message. If you want to learn how to experience the best, most
fulfilling year of your marriage, we invite you to order Matthew CUPA kick ass husband winning
at life Derek and says you can get it@amazon.com or visit Matthew’s website. www dot Mathew
p hoffman.com. Again, that’s amazon.com or www dot Matthew P hoffman.com. And now back
to the show.

Matthew Hoffman 01:18

Welcome back to the kick ass couples podcast I am so excited to see you to be with you but
most excited to be sitting next to this lovely mama Jamba My Bride and life partner for more
than 27 years.

Kimberly Hoffman 01:33
A Momba Jamba?

Matthew Hoffman 01:34
A Mamba Jamba okay, if I mean if a guy’s a mack daddy, what’s a woman? Mama Jamba, Head
Honcho, Mi Jefa? I don’t know, whatever expletive superlatives, I can think of to put you in the
highest stead get. I love doing this with you and sharing. And this is a great couple that we are
talking a recap episode for both Dawn and Colin Provine, somebody that we’ve known for a
while been married. And so I’m gonna let you jump in and share what was one of the
takeaways that you had with this most kick ass couple.

Kimberly Hoffman 02:11
So I think the right off the bat, the first thing that Colin noted was that they were friends first
they met in college freshman year, I think there were they were even on the same dorm Hall
and met each other that way and would hang out, hang out in groups. And then I think they
kind of it sounded like they broke off from that group and then just started hanging out
together. And what that really said to me was that they were friends first and the foundation of
the relationship started on a great friendship. And we talk in our podcasts a lot about the
friendship system, and how important that is to have as a foundation in your relationship.

Matthew Hoffman 02:11
I agree. And I think that’s a great point to talk about. Because friendship really is the foundation
of a relationship. It’s not love than friendship. And you know, love is an emotion, right. And it
comes and goes and fleet’s and ebbs and flows. But you got to like the person you’re with
before you can really love them. And it’s the things of friendship that keep you tied together
and you want someone, your spouse, obviously, I hope that everybody out there listening feels
that their spouse is their best friend, somebody you want to turn to first and establishing that
friendship system is critical, because I think that really gave them that strong foundation. I
totally agree with that, Kim and I think that you and I became friends first you were there for
me as a friend. Before we were really romantic. And we’ve talked about this before, but Kim
was the one friend that responded and showed up when my mom passed away and I was alone
in this house with her where she was and no one could be there for a few days. No family
members, I had no friends in that area. And Kim came up and we really established our
friendship that weekend pretty deeply. And that was a foundation. And I think too is they not
only did they establish it in college, and I think that’s what has allowed them to make it for the
long haul. But they continue to, to develop it and invest in it. And they know it has to be there
to keep them going strong.

Kimberly Hoffman 04:25
Yeah, absolutely. What about another takeaway that you had from the interview?

Matthew Hoffman 04:32
Yeah, something he call in shared a quote from one of his professors, which I thought was kind
of telling he said, this is his professors advice to him. He said marry for values, not for love.
Because what you have in common is the key to the relationship over time and those values
and it doesn’t mean and you might take that the wrong way when you hear it but it doesn’t
mean you don’t have love or love is not important, right? It is but if your values are in
alignment meaning, what your priorities are and what your outlook of life is, and how you think
you need to approach the relationship and family, those values have to tie you together. And
we have in our 14 pillars, you know, these are values, these are values that have to be present
in every successful relationship. And if those values aren’t strong, and they’re not tied together,
then it’s going to be meaningless. Over time,

Kimberly Hoffman 05:25
I think alignment of values is huge. You know, you may be someone that family is really super
important to you, and you like to entertain family and have family over, and maybe you come
from a really large family. But what if your partner, the person that you’re dating, doesn’t, isn’t
used to having a lot of family around doesn’t necessarily like to entertain a bunch of family. I
think later that that could be an issue that could cause some conflict in your relationships. So
there’s just a small example of, you know, not having the same, maybe values or interests
could potentially be an issue,

Matthew Hoffman 06:11
right. And I think that those are kind of the things you want to discuss in advance, right, or
before you make a commitment, because you want to discover and understand that this person
that you’re spending your life with, that you’re never going to leave and always be there for is
in alignment with you otherwise, it can really make for some difficult conversations and
situations later. So I appreciate that idea. And I think that it wasn’t just something that the
professor said it was something that they both agreed, and they weren’t alignment, they
developed that friendship system, they thought they had a little different background growing
up. And obviously, we’re all not carbon copies of each other. But I think that they really aligned
in what they felt was most important in their relationship in their family, in their careers, and
that led to has led to a wonderful relationship that’s been successful now.

Kimberly Hoffman 07:02
Absolutely. And I think another thing that stood out to me personally was they had they built
the relation ship on this friendship system. And then from there, the commitment to each other
came. And I think that that proved to be really important later on in their relationship, because

they both had trajectories of a lot of education, right, coming up under them. And then
continued education, with being a doctor. And then colon being in a corporate world where he
travelled globally, a lot. And so I think that that friendship system then rolled into it a very big
commitment with each other. Because when you have two people who are in that type of
trajectory, it gets a little hectic, and then you invite kids, you get married, and you invite kids
into that. And, you know, you’ve got one person in med school who’s working just literally hours
and hours every single day, probably is barely around. And so that commitment really shine
through their relationship, because they were able to navigate that difficult time with the
commitment that they had with each other.

Matthew Hoffman 08:30
And there’s going to be seasons in your relationship right in your lives where the spotlight may
go from one spouse to the other, whether it’s work or with kids, or maybe a family situation,
taking care of a loved one. So there’s always going to be those ups and downs. And I love that
idea, too, is that they talked about the concept of filling in the gaps and they each took it upon
themselves to fill in the gaps for the other person, whatever it might need to be and you know,
what doing the dishes right? Is it cooking? Is it cleaning the house? You know, Colin talks about
his one of his specialties is back rubs and foot rubs. And does she needed her she had a really
tough time, you know, one of those 24-36 hour shifts that she would pull as a physician, and
did she need that? And, you know, he said it didn’t feel obligatory ever, because they were both
each looking out and looking for the opportunities right to fill the tank for the other one or ease
the burden. And that was something that they learned through her med school process. You
know, he said, Gosh, I feel like I went through med school and I learned that terms and people
would say so what are you a doctor of because he knew the lingo and then with his travel and
his business demands, being pulled out of the house a lot all the time. You know, they weren’t
overburdened by those things or put out but really thought hey, here’s my time to shine
because they knew they were each there for to each other wasn’t quid pro quo. And it was
really about teamwork, right, and that long term commitment that they had to do for each
other. So it’s learning and they had to learn how to do things together. And at the same time I
like they said, they said, we grew together. Because, you know, Dawn said, when he learned
something new, or he would go have an experience, or through one of his board work or some
of the community service, he would come back and share with her what he learned. So she felt
like, wow, I got double, because he got it, I get it. And then when she would learn something, or
have an experience professionally, in her service in her career, she would make sure that she
took him through it. So that teamwork allowed them to both enrich each other through their
own experiences. It wasn’t just something that one of them experienced, and not the other. But
they brought that back to the relationship, which I thought was pretty cool.

Kimberly Hoffman 10:56
Yeah, I think one of my biggest takeaways from Don and Colin were that they’re very in tune to
each other and have been over all of these years. And it has made them very successful as a
couple because they’re paying attention to what the needs of their spouse is. And they’re
stepping in and filling like you said that gap, or doing whatever is necessary to really keep each
other in a joyful state. Yeah, that was filled state. Yeah. Imagine med school with a baby. You
M

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know, you’re fatigued, mentally, and physically. And then Colin again, traveling globally, there
had to be some moments that were really challenging for them. But I feel like they really rose
to the top because they were there for each other and really in tune with each other.

Matthew Hoffman 11:56
When it comes to creating a kick ass marriage. Do you ever wonder what you could be doing
better? Have you ever thought how helpful would be to be a part of a like minded community of
other imperfect couples who want to level up and their number one relationship? Come visit
kick ass couples nation, where you can talk with people just like you are looking for ways to
invest in and increase their joy, commitment, and fulfillment and their most important human
relationship. You’ll have access to a team of licensed marriage therapists, coaches, articles,
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about a community that’s ready to help you level up. That’s Matthew P hoffman.com. So you
can become of the growing kick ass couples nation right now. They weren’t and you know, it
doesn’t mean that they were the same person. I think that I want to make sure everybody
understands if you haven’t heard this episode, go back and listen to it. Because it’s a beautiful
example of taking the differences and melding them together. You know, she said, Hey, I’m
from Brooklyn, and I’m a doctor, I speak my mind, right, I’m gonna, I’m gonna call it like it is.
And we’re gonna get out in front and Colin said, “You know, I’m a lot more reserved. I’m
Southern, you know, Genteel.” And that’s okay. Because they took those two styles, and they
develop their own language, you know, and they figured out, they said, you know, we want, we
want to go back and say that they coined the term OMG, you know, because they were using it
30 years ago before was hipping hot, or now maybe a little tired after being so much used, but
they have a lot of nonverbal communication, inside jokes, nicknames. She said, we could be
working in a party. And I could just by a glance, say, Hey, he’s really into that conversation.
He’s joining themselves, or giving each other the eyebrows like, Okay, it’s time to go, let’s wrap
things up, or, Hey, I need some rescue over here, this, you know, get me out of this
conversation. I’m not having so much fun. So they really learned to look at those verbal and
nonverbal cues and take advantage of that communication with one another.

Kimberly Hoffman 14:01
Yeah, I thought that that was a very cute expression of their relationship, that they don’t even
have to speak out loud to each other, that they can really just communicate with a lot of
nonverbal facial expressions, you know, maybe moving their head a certain way. I thought that
was really cute.

Matthew Hoffman 14:19
And what was neat is that he said, you know, we developed our communication style before we
were romantic

Kimberly Hoffman 14:24
Yeah in college that started

Matthew Hoffman 14:26
so and they were able to keep that effective. So they had deep, meaningful communication
that wasn’t clouded by the sexual intimacy, and they had really learned how to communicate
and be effective first. So it wasn’t something that you know, they had to add or inject later in
their relationship.

Kimberly Hoffman 14:43
Sure, sure. One of the other things that I wanted to point out is that, you know, when you think
of a couple that are highly motivated and are both really just kind of during the day, they’re in
their own vortexes, right, and then coming back together later in the day, or maybe maybe
even later in the evening, they’re not coming back together because they have social functions
or things that they need to do separately. You know, how do they come together? How do they
find time to communicate? How do they stay connected, and I loved hearing them say that, you
know, they text they, they might be pulling out of the driveway and just intentionally pick up
the phone and call each other, they leave sticky notes for each other. And they love spending
time together and having fun together. So I loved hearing how, even though they’re both so
busy and kind of sucked into their own worlds, they are finding time to communicate and
finding time to have fun together.

Matthew Hoffman 15:52
Yeah, you got to play together and have fun. And she said that. I mean, she talked about later.
And one of her favorite pillars outside of the three C’s, she said was fun and humor. She goes
anything that tickles my brain, just I love and comedy. And, you know, she said, my kids think
I’m crazy. Because I have a wacky approach to life sometimes. But Colin knows that, and is able
to, you know, try to get her to make her laugh and do things and they watch funny movies
together. And they do things that are going to feed them and allow them to have that time
together, whether it’s watching a movie or having a great conversation, and they really make
sure you know, going to the beach, he said like, golly, one of the gifts we gave ourselves during
COVID was going to the beach. And you know, like every weekend, he was always a thing we
could do together. Kids didn’t mind it, it was their chance to bond and have fun. So really taking
the time to seek those opportunities to create the connections and have the time together and
doing and doing things together. I thought that was I thought that was great. Sure, sure. And
one of the things, you know, we always talk about conflict resolution, Kim is kind of one of the
third pillars. And I think that I love their approach, Collins said you know that we don’t have a
lot of conflict, when we do it’s about little stuff is pretty unimportant. It’s usually about letting
each other vent and get something off their chest. But he said the key for them is to manage
the expectations. And I think that, you know, if you have unrealistic unrealistic expectations for
your spouse on what they’re gonna do or not do for you, or how they’re gonna handle or not
handle things as they come up. I think that’s a real rub. And I think talking about that with each
other, if that’s something you haven’t done in your relationship is making sure that you
understand what your spouse’s expectations are for you in any given situation, that can be a
social engagement that’s coming up. That could be something that’s going on in your family, or
how you’re going to navigate something together. You know, even taking a vacation together,
right? You know, what are your expectations for me on how much time I’m going to spend with

the family or what how much time I need to work, something I did with Kim, you know, we’ve
got spring break coming up with our kids. And I said, Listen, I’m going to be present and be in
the moment, but there’s some critical things I’ve got to take care of, and I’ve got to work. And
she said, that’s great. Can you make sure it’s heavy loaded in the front side of the vacation. So
on the backside, when families around, we can really take advantage of and enjoy that time
together. So it’s, it’s creating those expectations and making sure that everybody’s on board
with him? And he said, you know, you’ve got to make sure to that, you know, he talked about
that the destination of where they’re going is not as important, but more about what’s the
journey like for us together. So it’s not about where we’re going to arrive and where we’re
going and what we’re going to achieve. But are they working together and on the same page in
the process, right. And when the conflict arises, if they set those expectations, and they’re
really partnering on that journey together, he said, you know, they can be honest and frank
with each other and address the issues, and not let them fester. And we’ve heard that before.
And I think in issues, conflicts are gonna arise. And I think that most people don’t love conflict,
you know, getting in there and getting messy and getting dirty. And I know that we in our
relationship, don’t necessarily love it. But I think when we’re able to openly and honestly,
frankly, address those issues and handle them in the moment, we can take care of them and
put them to bed before they become major issues.

Kimberly Hoffman 19:25
Sure. I think that also it’s important to note that they, they arrived at that later on in their
relationship and being able to do that. I think in the beginning. You know, Dawn has the
personality of I’m going to diagnose it I’m gonna hammer away at it and I’m gonna find out you
know, we’re gonna resolve this we’re going to fix it. We’re gonna get in there andand I think
over time that Colin has sort of softened her a little bit and has made it a little bit easier for her
to just sort of blow hot really fast for 10 minutes, right? Let her get it out, let her say what she’s
gonna say. And then And then she’s good at just okay. I’ve said it, I’m good. I’ll call, you know,
we don’t really have to fix it right now, we’re able to just sort of talk about it and work through
it. And I think that, you know, that’s something that they learned over time to do.

Matthew Hoffman 20:30
Yeah, I think, you know, all kick ass couples have learned how to address issues as they arise
and knock them out while they’re small. I mean, if and sometimes, and, you know, we’ve
always talked about, it’s not about whose opinion wins the day, whether it’s yours or mine. But
really understanding why that’s important, or why it’s frustrating or why it drives them crazy.
And if you seek understanding, then that allows you to know how to handle the situation or
treat them the way they need to be treated when those moments arise. And I think that, you
know, all kick ass couples do this, everybody that we have talked to interviewed thus far in our
podcast, and we’re coming up, you know, we’re in the 40s. Now guys, we’re We’re almost up to
our 50th episode here soon, we’ll be celebrating that with kick ass couples nation, but it’s, you
know, everybody that’s successful in their relationship, knows how to do the dance of handling
things, and putting them to bed before they

Kimberly Hoffman 21:37
they blow up or they blow up. And so I think those are I think that really this podcast, or this

they blow up or they blow up. And so I think those are I think that really this podcast, or this
interview really, for me, my biggest takeaways were manage expectations, right? I loved what
you said about that, because it is so true. And it’s so vital in a relationship, to have those
discussions, but also again, you know, making sure that when something arises, let’s just let’s
get it out in the open and let’s talk about it before it really does become a huge challenge for
us.

Matthew Hoffman 22:10
Yeah. And I think that Dawn’s willingness, she said, You know what, we’re gonna figure out how
to go over it, through it, around it, underneath it, if I gotta get a ladder to climb, we’re gonna
get there. And I think that, you know, that willingness to figure out and like I said, it’s not the
willingness, we’re gonna solve it, we’re gonna solve it, we’re gonna solve it, but we’re gonna
understand each other’s viewpoints on it, and give respect, you know, to the feelings that
somebody may have on that issue. And, man, when you identify a landmine you go, Okay, I
need to I need to not go there then because it’s going to recreate it’s a trigger it’s going to
create trauma is going to create Carnage is gonna bring a bad emotions, bad juju, bad feelings,
days of unrest. And when you want to have the love and respect for your partner, your spouse
in that relationship, you gotta be willing to give them what they need.

Kimberly Hoffman 23:04
Yeah, I agree. It was a great interview. If you have not seen this interview in its entirety. I hope
you’ll go back and listen kickass couples podcast,

Matthew Hoffman 23:15
yeah, check them out and see what they have to say. It was a wonderful interview, a great
viewpoint two people in deep professional careers that are still working, not quite empty
nesters, they have kids in the mix tough, demanding jobs. But they found a way to develop the
systems to get agreement on the values and to figure out how they can have a fun and spirited
and lively dance with each other that keeps them happy and moving on in life.

Kimberly Hoffman 23:42
And they even find time to give back in a big way to their community, to schools, and to other
professional organizations. So kudos to you.

Matthew Hoffman 23:53
We’re glad to have had the time with them. And if you found value in this recap or any other
episode, please drop us a line. Give us a review. If there’s something that you wish we would
ask if you’ve got questions that you want to know the answers to, we can ask other couples and
say how they did it and how do they respond? We’ll share our viewpoints on those. So please
drop us a line. You can send us an email at podcast at kickass couples podcast.com. Let us

know the burning questions you’d like to get answered and we will do our best to get those for
you. So thanks for tuning in today. like us, share us, rate us review us and come back and keep
on listening. And remember that happily ever after does not just happen. We’ll see y’all soon.

Kimberly Hoffman 24:38
That’s all we’ve got for this episode of the kick ass couples podcast. If you liked the content of
the show, the love Matthews newly released book, kick ass husband winning at life marriage
insects. To receive a digital mini book of quotes and images from the book. All you have to do is
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it over to you right away. Until next time, remember happily ever after doesn’t just happen, It’s on purpose.